what would you do?

Hi there, I would really appreciate some advice on my current dilemma. We are due to ttc in April / may and I have already started my diet and will be starting my supps in the next week but very very sadly my sil has just suffered an early miscarriage :'( and now I don't know whether to put back our attempt month as I wouldn't want to cause her any additional heartache by falling pregnant so soon after her loss. I am well aware however that it's a slim chance I would get caught straight away and I would hope she would maybe be pregnant with a rainbow baby by the time we are pregnant. Unfortunately tho she does have trouble conceiving, she is nearly 39 and only has one child, whereas we have 4 children, are only 29 and don't have trouble conceiving. We want a smaller age gap between our 4th and 5th babies as our 4th was supposed to be our last but I want to try one more time to give my daughter her longed for sister and there is just no knowing when she would fall pregnant again. The last thing in the world I want to do it hurt her, I know she would be happy for us but she would also feel sad for herself, and I couldn't blame her. What would you do? Sorry for the essay. Thanks.

It says a lot about you that you would even consider her into the equation but it's your life- you can't hit the pause button every time something happens. It is always going to be hard for her so all you can do is what you are already doing- act with grace and empathy. You and she will be fine.

You have to do what is right for you.
My best friend has suffered from infertility, both trouble getting and staying pg.
She suffered another miscarriage over the summer, so I put our TTC on hold because I just couldn't do it to her right away, and then she got pg again this fall.
I waited until she passed the first trimester to TTC again, and now I wish I hadn't, because I've realized that things aren't right with my cycles and who knows how long this journey will take.
My youngest son will be 4 in March and I really didn't want such a large gap..
Anyway, I get where you're coming from because I literally just did the same thing. But for what it's worth, I do wish I hadn't because I would have loved being closely pg with her. That being said you never know how things will go.

I could have written that! I will be TTC in April/May and my SIL has been trying for a year for her 3rd.

I had no idea how to handle and I still really want her to get pregnant first. I don't want to her to be hurt by me getting pregnant.

So I decided the best thing to do was be completely honest. I messaged her and let her know we would be trying soon. Her message back was supportive and I really don't think there will be any hurts between us if I do get pregnant before her.


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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

It says a lot about you that you would even consider her into the equation but it's your life- you can't hit the pause button every time something happens. It is always going to be hard for her so all you can do is what you are already doing- act with grace and empathy. You and she will be fine.

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Thank you for your reply, I guess there are always going to be people around her who are having babies and it could well be another 6 months before I have to worry about breaking the news to her which gives her time to grieve and hopefully find some peace, I just feel guilty sometimes that I've been blessed with 4 beautiful babies (with no problems) and she has struggled to be a mum at all

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Originally Posted by mysweetboys

You have to do what is right for you.
My best friend has suffered from infertility, both trouble getting and staying pg.
She suffered another miscarriage over the summer, so I put our TTC on hold because I just couldn't do it to her right away, and then she got pg again this fall.
I waited until she passed the first trimester to TTC again, and now I wish I hadn't, because I've realized that things aren't right with my cycles and who knows how long this journey will take.
My youngest son will be 4 in March and I really didn't want such a large gap..
Anyway, I get where you're coming from because I literally just did the same thing. But for what it's worth, I do wish I hadn't because I would have loved being closely pg with her. That being said you never know how things will go.

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It's hard isn't it as at the end of the day you could hold off ttc forever if they continued to struggle, I guess it's about getting the balance right between thinking about their feelings and thinking about your own life. I don't want to add to her sadness. Having said that I'm not doing my first attempt until April/may so I'm hoping by the time it comes to telling her that we are pregnant that she will have some good news of her own.

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Originally Posted by mommymachine

I could have written that! I will be TTC in April/May and my SIL has been trying for a year for her 3rd.

I had no idea how to handle and I still really want her to get pregnant first. I don't want to her to be hurt by me getting pregnant.

So I decided the best thing to do was be completely honest. I messaged her and let her know we would be trying soon. Her message back was supportive and I really don't think there will be any hurts between us if I do get pregnant before her.


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I would LOVE to speak to her about it but my mil has told us not to have anymore (you wouldn't think we are grown ups with our own minds lol) and I don't think my fil will be too impressed about us having another so, to save aggro we will not be telling them about our plans to have another. I do feel however that my sil would be supportive, as yours has been. I thought about maybe not telling them when we find out we are pregnant and just tell them all when we have had a scan, giving my sil a little more time to "heal"

Whenever you decide to TTC you should tell your SIL before telling the rest of the family so that she has time to prepare privately before the rest of the family start celebrating. That's what I have heard from other women who have suffered losses or infertility
Xxxx

You are so thoughtful! But I agree that you can't put your life on hold. I would just plan to be thoughtful when telling her when u do fall pg. I assumed my SIL was having trouble so when we told the family, we made sure to call her the day before and let her know so she could process on her own time and not in a big group, when planning HT, there was a lot if "what ifs" and uncertainty around if it would work and for our desired gender, so if in that time (13 months of planning/waiting) she had fallen prego, I would have wanted her to at least give me the news in private, but I wouldn't of wanted her not to get pg.

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Originally Posted by Pebbles&BamBam

You are so thoughtful! But I agree that you can't put your life on hold. I would just plan to be thoughtful when telling her when u do fall pg. I assumed my SIL was having trouble so when we told the family, we made sure to call her the day before and let her know so she could process on her own time and not in a big group, when planning HT, there was a lot if "what ifs" and uncertainty around if it would work and for our desired gender, so if in that time (13 months of planning/waiting) she had fallen prego, I would have wanted her to at least give me the news in private, but I wouldn't of wanted her not to get pg.

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We would certainly tell her privately and tell her a little while before everyone else, we don't live by her and only see the in laws every couple of months so in that respect it won't be "in her face" all the time, so to speak. I just want to treat it all as sensitively as possible, I know she is bound to feel sad for herself regardless of when we tell her but I would certainly want her to be in a better place emotionally than she is right now. I have all my Fingers and toes crossed for her that she falls pregnant again without too much trouble.