my GD story and goodbye post
Ok i wasn't sure where to post this but I wanted to say goodbye, but before leaving I wanted boy mums (and girl mums too) to know that GD is temporary and not forever. I wanted to share my story about how I coped having gender depression with my sons.
My GD stemmed from my father mostly. Growing up, he didn't care much for me or my two sisters. Even when one of my sisters died, he only felt 'relief' that he wouldn't have to worry about another girl. I truly lost any respect I had for him the day he said that.
My mother, though I loved her so much, didn't have the courage to leave her abusive relationship. Watching her become more and more battered as she lived under my father's thumb, I grew to mistrust males.
My two older brothers were no different from my father sadly. I haven't contacted them in 10 years, and will never plan on doing so.
In my family, boys are favoured hugely over girls. Money, gifts, attention, they had it all. My sisters and I barely had anything to wear let alone cash or attention. Out of my sisters I was always the most outspoken. I would demand the same as my brothers only to be pushed down and harshly discouraged by my dad. My own mum even told that boys getting the better end of the stick was normal and that was just the way life was. I have long forgiven her, but my heart broke when she said those words.
After a terrible childhood I grew up, moved out, did university, became a dentist, met DH. Life was good, much better than what I once had. DH and I got married, and in 2003, I discovered I was pregnant with child #1. Immediately, I knew she was a girl. I wasn't just against the idea of having a boy, the whole idea was unfathomable. I'd name her after my grandmother and give her the childhood I always dreamed of having. My sister's daughter who was born a year before ds1 could have a girl cousin to play with.
Finally, I could feel whole. My father left an empty hole in my heart, and to this I believe the father/daughter bond is one the most important bonds.
Needless to say, my dream baby girl turned to be a boy. I cried so hard the day I heard boy. I was depressed for weeks, and the unhappiness didn't go away until I saw him.
After he was born, I adjusted quickly and loved him. My first child, my beautiful baby boy was the sweetest baby I've ever had.
My mum told me he could be a way of 'healing' but I didn't really think about what she meant until much later, when I was pregnant with DS2.
Every time I think of DS2's pregnancy, I always feel a twinge of sadness that I wasn't happy once.
From day I found out I was pregnant, I would say to anyone who asked that this was definitely my girl, even though I had no idea what I was having.
Deep down, I knew he was a boy. I didn't admit this to anyone, not even myself, so instead I shouted to the rooftops how it was NOT a boy, as if I if I hoped hard enough, I'd get my wish. Maybe, just maybe it would be a girl.
Nope. Another son.
I felt worse than depressed. I hated that I was pregnant. I wanted to turn back the clock and 'try again' for a girl.
I hated that I couldn't be happy that I was just having a healthy baby, when many couldn't have any.
I freaked inside thinking that if I ever got to have a girl at some point, she end up stuck with two older brothers, just like me.
I felt jealous that my younger sister seemed to be popping out girls effortlessly, when I couldn't just have one.
When he was born, I didn't bond with him the way I did with my first son. I had PPD with him. My poor boy was a very fussy colicky baby, and for the first 7 months of his life I was miserable.
Then one day, when he 8 months old, I woke up and realised how much I adored him,despite any lingering gd feelings I had. Gd never went away at that time, but my second boy was still my true love.
Ds2 was the one who humbled me beyond belief. I never wanted him, and now I will have another child I will treasure more than him. (Though I love all my babies the same of course).
As my sons grew, my GD shifted. I went from being an apprehensive boy mum to a happy and proud.
You see, before I had my sons, I never thought of raising sons as just raising kids. I thought of them as miniature versions of my brothers.
Now, the idea of never having sons freaks me out! I was very narrow minded before these two dear boys came into my life. I never cared much boys and I thought that most of the male gender deep down were all like my father and brothers. It scares me thinking that I would've continued being that same person if I didn't have them.
My two boys, the light of my life, are now 11 and 8. They're virtually opposites. Forget night and day, these two are like ketchup and chocolate!
I will never be able to say I had a good pregnancy with them, but it doesn't matter to them. They will never know what I went through, only that I gave a great childhood (as best to my ability). I will make sure they will grow up to be good strong men, much better than my pathetic brothers, and my even more pathetic father. They were the ones who filled the whole in my heart - I finally have an irreplaciable bond with a male family member (other than the marriage bond with dh).
Already they show signs of being nothing like them. My baby boy still loves cuddles and is very gentle. My oldest went through a difficult phase as all kids do, but now he and I have become great confidants. They're both so sweet to their sisters (even when my dd1 is being naughty), their patience for the girls knows no bounds.
And you know, three years after he was born, I ended up with a girl anyway. :)
Another three years, and along came twin girls, so I now the exact same family make up as my mother did. It might sound silly, but I see it as a sign, a sign that I was meant to have my two beautiful boys before I had any daughters to realise how much potential I have to raise fantastic men.
Well, ladies, this is my goodbye post. I joined gender dreaming back in 2010, when nuthinbutpink started this site, just after dd1 was born. Before that I was on IG, but this was always my sanctuary.
I will never forget the lovely ladies I met on this site and all the great times I had reading posts, but there comes a time in ones life when one needs to move on.
Thank you so much for reading. Good luck with your journies ladies, and goodbye x
