Fail, fail, fail and FAIL again
I'm on day 2 of miscarrying this pregnancy. Yesterday was 6w4d.
I feel like my life has been split into two chapters. The first was fertile and blessed with no miscarriages or overwhelming infertility (we were subfertile but always knew we'd eventually catch the egg), successful pregnancies, and healthy births. Three sons with no issues. I always knew we were blessed and so lucky, but the point was never really driven home until the events of the past few years.
In Feb 2013, I had a very early loss. Pretty much a chemical. It broke my heart so completely and I was so devastated that I left the GD forums for almost a year. I think the reason why it was so devastating was it destroyed my illusion that we were immune from 'bad things' happening - that our streak of lucky fertility was done.
We failed to conceive on our own for the rest of 2013 and half of 2014. In the summer of 2014 we went for HT and GS at HRC. We failed spectacularly at that too - a poor (for me) protocol led to a poor retrieval, and eventually two FET attempts which also failed. So much time wasted! After all that HT and all those drugs I just basically didn't ovulate properly at all.
So we went back to my local clinic, where two rounds of Femara did the trick - we got our first BFP after 2.5 years of nothing. And then, only a few weeks later, I'm miscarrying.
The worst part is the timing. DH (military) is posted to a new job in a different city, about 2.5 hours drive away. (He will be home on weekends at least). And he left last night - on the first day of my miscarriage. It was already going to suck being a solo parent to my boys, one of whom has a dance camp in the next two weeks that requires me driving him in and out everyday (and 45 min each way, so 3 hours in the car per day for me). And why not, let's throw a freaking MISCARRIAGE on top of that burden!
I've had to talk to my oldest son about what to do in case I hemmorhage or pass out. The poor kid is only 11 and he looks so stressed out about maybe needing to save my life. It's just not f*cking fair to put that on his young shoulders. But I don't have a choice, he needs to know what to do in a worst-case scenario. Not only am I scared to death about my miscarriage going wrong, but I'm also worried what'll happen to my boys if it happens, and how traumatized they are going to be.
In the meantime I'm also resenting the HELL out of DH for not being here. I *know* it's not his choice, I *know* he hates it as much as I do, and I *know* he will constantly worry about me. I do have emergency help with my inlaws being very close. But it still leaves me to deal with all the emotional fallout by myself. And I hate DH for it. I hate that I can't put that on him, I refuse to burden him with it, I need him to do right by us and ace his new job - which he can't do if he's constantly worrying about me. A military career takes two to tango and I've spent the last 13 years supporting his career- I refuse to threaten that now after all that work! But that doesn't mean I don't resent the hell out of the situation his job has put me in. We might need counselling after all this.
It's just not fair. I'm so scared that my body is just too old to have another baby, that we can't make another healthy embryo, that we'll have to go through more losses to find that good embie. I don't know if my heart can take it but I can't quite just close the book on having another child. I honestly don't give a sh!t about gender anymore. I just want to have another baby and not feel so damned broken, and angry.
Also, I might break my tv if I see that f*cking Pampers commercial again!!!
