Feeling really defeated :(

I've been reading everyone's replies to my posts and reading stats here and stats there on different websites and just feeling shitty today. Perhaps because I would've been 20 weeks today. It's raining and crappy outside and completely matches how I'm feeling on the inside. I feel angry, sad, defeated and hopeless as far as my quest for one last baby goes. I wish I'd conceived at 42 and done a sway then but I was sick wit gallstones and plucking up the courage to have surgery for that. I can't believe that some websites say at my age I have a 60% chance of having a miscarriage if I was to conceive again, yet others say 50% yet others say only 30 or 40%. How on earth does one know which statistic to go by? Anything over 50 just sounds frightening and defeating. My dream of one last child and a little girl just seem to be drifting further and further away from me. I used to be a big believer in the power of positive thinking and making your dreams happen but after this miscarriage I have been feeling really defeated. That was the only real dream that I had and goal I had set for myself and right now it seems completely unobtainable and out of reach. I feel like people may as well just tell me to give up now (not people here, don't get me wrong...I appreciate everyone's honesty - I do need to know what the odds are, it's just not easy to accept them that's all). It's hard for me especially because I neither look nor feel my age and I'm slim and fit and healthy - yet clearly that's no indicator of the condition my eggs are in. :( I feel like I'm not just mourning a loss of a baby but also the loss of my entire fertility. And there's not a damn thing I can do to change it. I had my mind set to try and give my daughter a sister and I feel like I've failed. Part of me wants to say "to hell with all the statistics" and just give it one last best shot, but then I'm scared stiff of another miscarriage occurring or a worst-case scenario. Right now, I envy my pregnant friends in there 30s with plenty of time ahead for them and I envy other friends of mine who were content with 2 and had their tubes tied. :(

I'm sorry you're going thru this. But let me tell you that your family make is the Dream for a lot of people. As for your daughter I see it this way you are her BBF mother daughter bond gets stronger while if she has a sister maybe she can never be that close with you. I know all those stats and numbers are scary but also freaking real . Ive tied my tubes im 36 I wish I haven't but happy and content with my family make up I've moved on. Life goes on ! Take care hugs :-)

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If you really want a 4th, I wouldn't even think about swaying - you are lucky that you have both genders and I'd just go all out to get a 4th and fx it will work. As I've said I actually know an increasing amount of Mother's that are a similar age to me and have had successful pregnancies in their 40's..... I know it's a hard thing to accept about fertility, especially if you don't look or feel your age - I found it SOOOO depressing to do a tandem cycle at 45...I'd spent my 20's, 30's not wanting children and then unexpectedly got pg at 38, and then had no probs conceiving 2 and 3 in my 40's and therefore believed that PDG would work, why wouldn't it.... I then started googling.......glad I didn't before I cycled, but after my MC read soo much depressing stuff BUT I still managed to produce a healthy XX at 45, and she may or may not be gorgeous DD. Of course you haven't failed by not giving your DD a sister, she has two brothers that will dote on her - she's a lucky girl and also has a mother that obvisouly adores her. Try not to beat yourself up but get on and live your life and enjoy the three you have as time goes very quickly and you can't get it back. FX number 4 will appear. x

Thanks ladies. Great advice. And yes if we do go for number four, will def concentrate less on swaying and more on just a healthy preg and see what happens. What will be will be......:) xxoo