My husband judges me...

I'll start off by saying I have 1 son who I adore and we plan to start TTC in a few months. I had GD for sure when I learned of the gender the first pregnancy and we only plan to have 2 children and I'm very anxious about how I'll feel if the next is also a boy. I grew up with several sisters and I have dreamed of my daughter my entire life. I know I'm very blessed to have a healthy, adorable son, but nothing changes the void I feel of not having a daughter.

I've told my DH about some of these feelings, but not the full extent of emotional loss I experienced early on in my first pregnancy or the desperation I feel for the next to be my long desired daughter. Mostly because of the fear of judgment. Recently I had the courage to try and bring up the topic of gender swaying and even thinking of IVF with PGD, the conversation didn't go as I hoped. Before I even got most of the sentence out my DH began spouting off cliches of "you should be happy with whatever you get" and even more hurtful were his comments "you don't have children so they can be your entertainment pieces to dress up and do the things YOU want to do with.." You get the idea.

I was crushed. My eyes filled with tears and I just left the room. It was a very vulnerable place for me to speak from as I already have mounds of guilt and shame for even having such GD to begin with, and for the intense feelings I have for a daughter. Just speaking out loud about having a daughter makes me tear up. It felt like being kicked when you are down. He apologized later that night at least and said he understands that I have that desire and thats ok, but the damage is done. I do not feel comfortable discussing this issue with him again and I'm angry that I can't even discuss something like this with my partner. It is something that goes through my mind every day and if you can discuss these sorts of emotions with you DH than who?
My other concern is when we start TTC sometime this summer I don't know how we can seriously sway if I can't even discuss this with him.
Just feeling sad and worse then I did before the conversation. Thanks for listening.

I think for many men they do not have so many visions or fantasies about their family, or spend so much time envisaging their future children. My husband wanted two girls, that was his 'ideal' family before we had kids. Now he has four boys and couldn't be happier. No desire whatsoever for a daughter. Happy to be done at 2,3,4 boys.

But he knows this means a lot to me. For me, I explained it like if he had a dream for something that he couldn't go out and just get or have any control over making it come true. I said if there was something that he really wanted I would support him no matter what. Do whatever I could to make it a reality.

He doesn't feel like that about anything but he knows the offer is there. For me, having already failed swaying, it's too much to gamble anymore and we are going high tech. I said I would pay for this solely myself and this was the only way to get him on board, though he is being supportive and helping me as best as he can. I would explain to your husband how vulnerable you felt sharing your feelings, you can't control this desire and it is not a reflection on your son (I love my boys to pieces and would have fifty more if I could have one girl). Maybe write it down in a letter so he can take the time to digest it. If your limit is two i would consider guaranteeing your girl through IVF. Swaying is a great nudge in the right direction if you are ok with an opposite. I have reached the point where it needs to be a girl.

A letter is a great idea. I certainly don't think I will have the courage to face that sort of rejection again in a conversation. He is usually a sensitive person, I think he truly just doesn't know how much this means to me. I guess how could he if I never have really told him. He really wants a daughter as well, but clearly has much less invested in it.
I would love to do IVF and know for sure, and we could afford it if needed. I'm mainly just concerned with taking hormones that I personally feel for myself the risks longterm of these medications are not warranted if true infertility is not present. Not to mention from what I understand the rate of pregnancy is around 20% per try? So one could easily spend $20-50K on a pregnancy?
Not sure I could convince him to try this when I can barely bring up swaying at this point.

Your odds of getting pregnant at one of the American clinics are much higher than that, 80% dependent on age. We can't afford America and are going in Europe but still I think we have a better chance than that. Of course your husband may not be comfortable with that, but it's worth looking at. A few years ago I never would have thought I'd even consider high tech.

Try the letter. If you want to sway you will want him to be supportive and do his bit, or I think you risk resentment. I hope you can help him to understand.

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Originally Posted by Babygirlquest

Your odds of getting pregnant at one of the American clinics are much higher than that, 80% dependent on age. We can't afford America and are going in Europe but still I think we have a better chance than that. Of course your husband may not be comfortable with that, but it's worth looking at. A few years ago I never would have thought I'd even consider high tech.

Try the letter. If you want to sway you will want him to be supportive and do his bit, or I think you risk resentment. I hope you can help him to understand.

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Really? I haven't done much research about IVF for several reasons. Mainly my husband being on board, the difficulty, plus everything I read made me think the trouble it takes was more suited if you had no other choice in how to conceive....
(I am 30 years old)

If you are 30 (I'm 29) your odds of success in a good American clinic first time would be very high. Just something to think of, only you know how much you need to have a girl. I will say go into swaying with your eyes open. I certainly felt it was some kind of guarantee and it didn't work for me. I wasn't realistic in how I would feel if I wasn't successful. My friend has also failed swaying twice so I think it's just to be aware that even the best sway isn't a guarantee.

And we are talking about IVF with gender selection, right?

IVF with PGD tests for gender yes.

I know exactly how you feel, I've been there, there were the words my husband told me as well, but I told my husband that I can't change how I feel and if I can't be honest with him which means I have to hide my feeling from the whole world!

If you want to sway for your next, here you have a strong supportive system and lots of great ladies here, unfortunately I failed my sway too and I'm expecting a second boy, i also had GD, but not as bad since my husband promised me to go for HT for the third, so I take it as a bonus that I'll have 3 kids(my husband always wanted 2)

I think sooner or later when your husband realised how you really feel, he will eventually change his point of view.

So don't feel bad or sad, lots of us been through the same thing


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