Not sure I belong here anymore...

So I've just been through my second miscarriage since January after maybe 13/14 cycles ttc, I've lost count. I also just turned 38 and found out after my first miscarriage that my fertility is shit *hope I can use that word here. I used clomid for one cycle then decided that was it and threw my repeat scripts etc in the bin and voila I fell pregnant the very next cycle without the clomid and without even trying (as in one attempt on old sperm - my dh hadn't released for weeks.) I thought it was my miracle pregnancy but it was taken from me and during my family renuion of all things while I am away from home plus my brother and his gf announced their pregnancy while the family were all here. The miscarriage didn't go well (of course) and I feel like I am rotten and cursed. I had found such peace with no more ttc but right now I just want to be pregnant again and I know I cant try for 3 months because of the medication. I am already planning im my head my next ttc and thinking of stopping all alcohol and caffiene in the 6 weeks prior to ttc. I cant help but think I caused this even though I stuck to one proper coffee a day and obviously never drank a drop of alcohol once I got my bfp at 9dpo (nothing after 6dpo that I can recall and maybe a couple of wines in the days before this I'm not sure, it could habe been more, I never thought in a million years I'd actually fall pregnant). I feel like my actions leading up to a successful fertilization has caused this second miscarriage. I understand I'm over 35 and the risk is higher but right now I just feel broken - both body and mind and I'm just not sure I can go through another loss but my longing is back in full force probably after seeing my little bean on the u/s. I'm not sure I should even be here because gender of baby is completely and utterly irrelevant now, I originally joined in because I bought a ttc girl plan and was excited to be around those wanting a particular gender too, now I would give everything I have just to have a healthy baby at this point but this is the only online interaction in forums that I've ever had. I have an appt with my own ob on Tuesday and just wondering if there is there anything I should ask as in another script for clomid or is there anything I can do to at least improve egg/sperm quality to try reduce the risk of a third miscarriage? I don't know which way I'll go yet, hopefully I'll give up again and save myself further heartache and now I'm just rambling so I'll shut up and try start building a bridge to get over it. This just sucks so so bad and I truly truly empathize with the many many ladies who have been where I am right now.

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Just wanted to say you have been through such a rough time, I cannot imagine how awful that would all be and feel! There are plenty of woman on here that have been through similar so it is a good place to come for support and also lots of ladies who are similar to yourself and just want a healthy baby, so please stay. I really don't think you caused the miscarriage due to your alcohol and caffeine ( I think that was what you were suggesting? If not, sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote) the baby would not have had a placenta at that stage so, other ladies correct me if am wrong, so this unlikely to be cause of the miscarriage.

Thank you girlieplease. I was about to edit my original post regarding the caffiene and alcohol. I had no problems with my boys pregnancies and I had no idea about caffiene restriction when I was pregnant with them. I guess I'm wondering with my age and bad fertility whether I should limit it further to just decaf I guess. The alcohol as well especially in the lead up to ttc. If I was younger with great fertility I wouldn't even question you know?

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So sorry for your loss Pbn. I was thinking of u just the other day and that I hadn't seen you around of late. Hope you find peace either way. The heart wants what the heart wants, so I know it such a tough decision to just give up.

I also just turned 38 and have been ttc since Oct 15, with absolutely nothing happening, not for the lack of trying. I have eased up on the diet a lot now although I still stick to the basic principles.

All the best x

Pbn, thank you for coming back, it must be really hard for you right now. I'm very sorry for your loss, I know how it feels to see that heartbeat and then miscarry after thinking things were 'safe'. It does get easier with time.

Sorry you also had a difficult miscarriage and it sounds like terrible timing with your brothers announcement. Can I ask what medication you were given? I was medically managed with my 2nd one so I was given misoprostol and there was no issue with trying again, I think it is only the medication given for etopics that is a problem.

Please don't blame yourself for this, you could have been avoiding all caffeine, eating an only organic super healthy diet and it could still happen. If it worries you then avoid these things if/when you attempt to ttc again. If it helps I have heard that 3 miscarriages in a row is a lot less common than 2 in a row, this is something that helps me remain optimistic.

Anyway, I am glad to see you back as I was wondering how you were going. You are still very much welcome here even if you aren't swaying. I would hardly call what I do much of a sway these days but I'm still hanging around :)

Take care xx

Thank you pinkpony. I truly hope you get your long awaited bfp soon.

Thank you also purple, I cried a little when I read your message as I miss seeing how you ladies are going and you are so right about the thinking you may be safe then finding out you're not. My family were a support (one sister in particular) and on a couple nights I actually got to stop thinking about what was happening for at least an hour. Now everyone has gone and we head home in the morning and I don't have to worry about trying tp be cheery or 'normal' so the walls have crashed down so to speak and I'm just so sad. I said before I feel broken and I can think of no other way to describe it. I also was given mistoprol? Not sure of the spelling but was told to wait 3 months. I know my ob will give me clomid again if I ask but I also know that it doesn't improve egg quality just quantity released so I'm kinda feeling if I force the issue and try too hard to get pregnant again that the universe will punish me again. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but I'm one of them weird karma type of people. But in saying that it buggers me what have I done karma wise to have to lose another pregnancy, so now I'm thinking karma is a load of crap amd it doesn't matter how good of a person I try to be, crappy things will come my way anyway. Sorry I never should have come back here so soon I obviously wasn't ready.

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Sorry Pbn :( Come back in a few days or a few weeks. Whenever you feel ready. It is normal how you are feeling and you don't need to think about trying again yet.

Oh Pbn3, I just want to give you a big hug! You most certainly still belong here! Please don't feel like you have to leave, unless you need to to help you heal.

This whole thing seems horribly unfair- from another miscarriage, to the timing of it happening. I am sending you lots of strength and healing!

I don't think it's unreasonable to switch to decaf coffee and stop alcohol. My RE told me that caffeine and alcohol in large amounts can affect fertility. It seems like an easy thing to change. Clomid or Femara may help. It's worth asking and looking into.

I'm hoping and praying that your much deserved and longed for rainbow baby comes to you soon! I will be looking out for your updates, if and when you are ready.

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[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

PB, I'm so sorry this is happening. Everyone is welcome here GD or no I think we have a group of wonderful supportive ladies here and good quality info.

It is totally normal to feel like you did something that caused your loss but it was not anything you did or didn't do.

When you say sh-- can you be more specific? It may not be as bad as it appears. Doctors like to make everything sound horrifically dire but there are people on this site with absolutely dreadful numbers who do end up with a baby at the end of their journey.

Femara would be a better option than Clomid so I'd def. ask about that.

I would have you doing atomic fertility diet if you're not already, up folic to 2000 (and folate is better) and taking Coq10 400-600 mg a day (ubiquinol is better). Since you've been on a sway diet off and on for so long I'd do prenatal 3x a week as well.

Wean off folic/folate at end of first tri, coq at bFP and resume daily prenatal at BFP.

re karma, I don't know if this helps at all but my take on karma is that when you do good things, good things happen for you, but not in mystical magical ways. Karma can't help you avoid things like miscarriages and stuff like that but it does mean that when you're very down and low your family is there for you and to support you until you can support yourself again. That is what karma really is. Not a supernatural thing but when you create joy and help others then others are there when you need help and to bring joy into your life.

Crappy things come all of our ways, anyway. Even the nicest person on the planet, like Mother Teresa or someone, I'm sure she had more than her fair share of terrible things she endured and witnessed. :heart: