there no words to express how i feel............

we found out last Wednesday we are having our 4th girl. This is our 2nd failed sway. Our last sway was only a half arsed attempt and although we were gutted after a few days of shock we were find and we never looked back. This time however is totally different...

we swayed 110% did everything possible, complied with everything and yet it still hasn't worked. 4 girls, who has 4 girls. Initially I was sad but this has been replaced with anger and resentment. I don't want the baby, I have no feelings towards her at all. I wake up everyday wishing I was not pregnant. I have (despite not even burping during my previous 3 pregnancies) has the most horrendous time, sickness, nausea, severe migraines, sleeplessness, slavering. I resent everything I have been through, the stupid HE diet for nearly 6 months, drinking gelatine, lifting weights everything was all for nothing. I have put on over 30lb, I am now classed as obese, am in high risk category for everything, for nothing, I could have done nothing and probably got a girl. Im left wondering if id have been more likely to get a boy if I hadn't swayed, and id be in a lot better position. I hate myself, my husband and the baby. How can you hate a baby?? a sweet innocent baby?? I just don't want another girl, even though before we swayed I was fully aware this could happen, however I didn't realise my feeling would be so strong. I thought after a few days I would have "got over it" or at least feel better, every day is worse.

I hardly recognise myself, my feelings and thoughts. I knew at my 13w scan it was a girl as I got a reasonable view of nub/potty area but I clung on waiting for the blood test, which they told me about in a phone call. The horrible feeling started straight away. My husband has just become distant, he does not want another girl and this was our last shot at a boy. We don't have the finances with 3 kids, let alone 4, to ever persue the PGD route and we have nobody to ask for help and no family support. I have considered abortion, but regardless of my decision I will never have my son.......

I am finding it very hard on the forums, although I recongnise GD appears in various shapes and sizes, comments from people who have got one of each or are only on 2 of the same etc are really getting to me. I am chuffed for anyone who gets their dream gender and I wish for everyone to get what they want, but I am finding it hard to read people getting the DG after one child or getting their 2nd/3rd/4th DG crushing. As such I have stopped posting on my DD board which has just made me feel crap. I feel like such a bad person, but I cant be happy for anyone and I am left questioning why people are more deserving than me............upto now I have been a lovely person, however lately I'm not sure. I feel it is a punishment, but yet, ive never done anything bad to deserve any punishment, quite the opposite.

I have been to a councillor today and been diagnosed with antenatal depression, despite never having suffered any form of mental health problem or issue. Although I mentioned the gender they brushed it under the carpet and said it was most likely I would have got this even if id been having a boy, although I know this is untrue as my feeling are purely related to the gender. I also had a scan today, as my last scan was a disaster, and once again baby is behind and small for the dates. I looked at the screen but felt nothing....... I go back on Monday again but I don't want to go. She is a lovely councillor but I can feel she just doesn't understand and some of what she says I feel is derogatory and condescending. she said she has never dealt with gender disappointment in her 21 year career, she seemed almost shocked at my feelings and how deep they run. Maybe shes right, I mean its probably not normal.

It would be great to have any practical advice or experiences from people who have been in similar boats. Please don't judge me or think badly, despite knowing a lot of this post is shocking, I am actually a really nice person (normally) I will absolutely not tolerate any religious advice as if you had had my life, you wouldn't believe either.....xxxxx

I know I'm the exact person you don't want to hear from -- I only have one (though it was also not my desired gender, and I was so devastated that I contemplated killing myself and having an abortion literally up until she was born), BUT...

I get it. I get that I don't know your level of pain, because you've gone through this 4 times. I get that with just one, I might have a chance -- but I ALSO understand the feeling of "I won't be able to make a boy," based on a variety of factors ranging from familial to my lack of luck. Now I'm not saying I'm on the same level of you... but I also know the darkness. I know what it is to be sitting in a car outside of a Planned Parenthood because this pregnancy is miserable, because it's triggering all of the worst things you ever went through, because you know what you want -- and this is not it.

I had diagnosed antepartum depression, too (obviously, based on my last paragraph), and while I think the gender only contributed to it in my case, I agree with you: I DON'T think you would have gotten it if you'd had your desired gender. Situational factors + hormones is a recipe for depression normally (it's why my therapist and I constantly sit and think now, "Is this PPD? Or is this purely because I happened to be demoted at my job for having a baby?... again, a baby I didn't want, even though I do love her desperately), so for you to have the immense disappointment on top of changing hormones sure seems like it's rooted to the GD. I had extreme mood swings and everything SOLELY because of fears of having a girl. I'd see if you could find a different therapist or counselor, honestly. Someone doesn't need to have not seen it to be able to help guide you through it if they're good.

That said, I'm also going to be frank here, too: I'm with you. I say F*** the religious advice, because like you, I don't believe it. Regardless of the life I've had (which also has been rough -- since so much of my issues with having girls comes from the abusive upbringing I had in an all girl family from our dad). Swaying is rooted in scientific processes -- how can 'God have control' but people still think they're influencing anything then? It's a cognitive dissonance I can't understand.

Additionally, I'm pro-choice and have only become more pro-choice after having been pregnant myself. If you decided to abort, I'd have no judgment -- you have to think of you, and in your case, you have three other children to take care of who would want their mom in the best place. I know people will come on and say, "You'll love her when she's here! Bla bla these precious sway opposites." And yeah, that might be true. Yeah, I felt NO bond with my baby until she was born, and resented her and thought the most horrible things I've ever felt the entire time.

But pregnancy is also a long time. That's a very long time to be depressed in a way that can only be solved by an additional traumatizing event: labor. And you say "who can hate a baby?" I hated my baby until she was born. And technically? It's not a baby. It IS a fetus until it is out of you. You are still you. It is still your body. It is still your decision (not your husband's, not your other children's, not even the fetus you're gestating: yours).

I don't mean to foster further dark thoughts in you, but I wanted to give voice to what I don't see too often on here, particularly since it seems to be a more religious board:

You're a person. You are you. You have a right to every feeling, every emotion, and ultimately to what happens to your body.

If you decide to keep on, there's a strong chance you'll also love her with every fiber of your being, as will your husband. I mean, she'd be the baby -- and I don't know many families that don't ultimately favor the youngest of the family in the long run! Plus, you said "Who has four girls?" but I do happen to know several... hell, it's why I referenced 'Little Women' -- there's even a famous book about four girls because of its specialness.

But, I also know the feeling of, "I would have been happy with all boys," a family dynamic I won't have either. This "boy mom"/"girl mom" stuff is particularly annoying -- I agree with Buro's comment in the Expecting Thread. Some of us are born boy moms, and it's just not happening.

I think swaying seems so good, and so right, because of some studies, but if these studies were perfect and a sure thing, it wouldn't be just two warring forums of thought online trying it. It'd be much more main******. I think a big part of it is the control thing, too: because we DON'T. I don't think maternal condition is the end all, be all -- we can never make a Y chromosome. There's so much more that lies with a male too (which is ALSO supported by studies, but the mother ones seem to trump here because well, we're the mothers).

I could see someone saying, "Well, you gained 30 lbs, and being TOO heavy can sway for a girl too." But you did everything else perfectly according to HE. AND there are so many other women who are heavier constantly getting boys -- hell, when I think of boy moms in my own life, I can think off the top of my head of a woman who's been obese the whole time and got 3 boys under 3. And to her credit, she held my daughter for hours because she was SO desperate for a daughter, but her husband got a vasectomy after this third.

I don't think it's you. I think we're sometimes as bad as the people with cancer or autoimmune disorders (me being in the latter group) who read ONE study that says, "Such and such can help ___" or "such and such found this" and will latch onto it as a locus of control.

I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry for the novel, too. I'd want to read something long to take my mind off it, so I don't know if it'll help. But I also want you to know: I get your disdain, I get your ill feelings even towards me, and I am here for you to say the darkest of dark things, because sometimes we just need to say them to get them out of our mind.

Lovely lady, I have no ill feeling towards you at all or anyone for that matter, I may not have made myself clear. It's the people who pass sarcastic and condecending messages without even trying to understand I' have issues with. My gd is no stronger or more important than anyone elses and really we cannot compare even people in identical situations because someone getting their 4th girl might be upset but fine after the shock, i wish i had been like that, life would be easier. The fact you have taken such time and thought in this heartfelt reply means more to me than you can ever know. I will reply properly when I am home as struggling on my phone. But I'm the meantime please can I say thank you so much for sharing your experience, your kind words and taking the time to message it means alot to me and I'm very greatful. Although I'm crying, only because I feel your pain, and i want to take it all away for you, but I know I cant xxx

I debated not posting because I know what you're going through is a million times worse than what I am, but I can at least attempt to relate. It's such bullshit that everyone around you can get one of each without even trying, and after 4 you're still left without your boy. All of that work, time, dedication, and emotional stress all for nothing. I felt like I didn't have a chance in hell of getting my dream gender despite my swaying and I was right. Life is so unfair! I understand why even people complaining about 2 or 3 of the same gender are pissing you off. If I had to feel this pain I'm going through another 2 times, I seriously don't know if I'd make it. I hate the feeling of wondering what everyone is having and then feeling an instant rush of envy when they get to have one of each or a girl to start their family. I wanted for my sway to work so I could move on with my life and get past all this gender envy and disappointment. It sucks feeling stuck on something you can't change. I hope you can find a better counselor who is more understanding. I don't think you'd have antenatal depression if it wasn't gender related. I'd imagine the worst pregnancy would be 100% bearable when getting your DG. It's the feeling of having to go through this all so you get a child you don't even want that spirals you into these feelings


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On another note....
I tried to speak to my counsellor about GD and she looked at me like I was mad.
Do people just never talk about it?? Is admitting to GD really the most shameful thing that a counsellor who has been practising for 40 years and seen hundreds or thousands of patients have really never come across it before??


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Hi baby2016baby,

In short: I got pregnant with a baby girl (which I really wanted) but at the 24w ultrasound it was clear that something was wrong, but the best specialist of the country couldn't tell what. We had 6 horrible weeks of uncertainty because we knew it was very bad but we couldn't do anything about it. At the end we even considered stopping the pregnancy (the hospital agreed with it) because if we didn't decide anything we also made a decision (of having a severe handicaped child). We were thinking about it, but I just couldn't. I was devestated that I needed to make a decision. 'Fortunately' our little girl gave up herself a few days later and died in my womb. But I can tell you; this is sooooo hard. I hope this is the worst thing I will ever experience in my life. I don't wish this for anyone; you are actually losing a child and that's completely against nature. And with this outcome we didn't even make the decision ourselves. I can't imagine what this must have been when we decided to stop the pregnancy. So please talk to people who aborted their child before you do this, because I think this is something that can 'haunt' you for the rest of your life.

Also, I know you had little chance of having the 'wrong' gender with that super sway of yours, but you always have a chance ofcourse. Can you imagine having less than 1% chance of your child being stillborn? Well, me neither, but here we are.
I don't want to piss you off or judge you, but I hope you can find peace with having another girl rather than living with regrets of aborting your child.

I really don't know how you feel (I don't even have a living child unfortunately) but I read a post in another thread (of the dutch girls) from a girl who found an article about an extreme GD. I'll copy it here below and hope you'll fin this usefull:

I am not sure how this post will go over since many don't particularly like me and so will roll their eyes with ridicule but I feel the need to express my own extreme Gender disappointment since it has basically consumed my entire adult life.(which is sad) and hopefully someone won't allow it to be their*life.Just the fact that after all*these yrs and finally having the gender I wanted so bad and am still on these types of boards shows just how deep Extreme GD goes. How much I allowed it to consume my life.. and in affect those around me.I have wanted a daughter since I was 20yrs old after the birth of my son. For the next 10yrs I spent all my time dreaming of her and trying to make it happen. I got married because I wanted a daughter, I ttc for yrs because I wanted a daughter. Every choice I made was based on having another child... a girl, I did fertility treatments because I couldn't get pg and it worked! I was finally pg after 10yrs. The joy FINALLY, I was having my girl. Boy I deserved her.Problem was, she was a he.So began my first full blown experience with GD. Mortified that I was disappointed and shocked is an understatement. Shouldn’t I just be grateful to finally be pg after all these yrs?? I loved my son why wouldn’t I love this son??? But I didn’t do all this for another son. I didn’t go through all the yrs of trying to get “her” for another him…. I had a son. I loved him. He was my little man,*deserved to have a girl next. My life I always had to work hard to get what I wanted and I already DID work hard to get this baby.Didn’t matter he was a he and he was a he who had a kidney problem. One that for the next 8+yrs we would have to deal with Sick Kids hospital and surgeries and procedures. Faced time and time again with witnessing “Real” sick kids boys and girls who were dying in their parent’s arms… but hey my 3rd*HAD to be my girl! Had to be.*So we ttc ASAP. Used fertility drugs again. Got pg. Waited till birth to find out gender because this time of course she was coming. I couldn’t have any more kids after this, 3 kids was huge to us. LARGE and honestly I didn’t really want “kids” I wanted her…..

On birth day when they placed my extremely pale (they thought he was albino) baby boy on my still swollen belly I should have won the academy award for how well I played the happy mom. Little did I know this little stranger with a penis all hot and wet laying there looking up at me with his beautiful perfect face would not stir one ounce of emotion in me. None… He was cute yes… but I didn’t love him. I looked at him like I would a cute puppy. Yes adorable but a lot of work that I didn’t particularly want to deal with. And I still wanted her………

I beg pleaded and threatened my dh into ttc a 4th*child.**Back I went on fertility drugs that made me a monster. During this time I had 3 m/cs and tried to hide my indifference to my 3rd*son who was the best baby anyone could ask for. I cried in the shower mortified that I felt no love for an innocent child that was my own. Disgusted that I felt no emotion for him, I consider myself an intelligent woman and I wasn’t young at this point, I understood that the feelings I had were not right. Not healthy. Yet instead of seeking help I sought out people like minded and devoured gender boards where I felt justified in my longing and pursuit. My feelings of indifference towards my 3rd*son. I did grow to have feelings for him and it eventually turned to love but it is not the same I feel for my first two sons. I am haunted in dreams still nearly 8yrs later of him falling and landing on a glass roof where I look up at him broken and bleeding his eyes pleading down at me calling out “mommy” or dreams where he falls on his legs and he comes to me on crippled broken and disfigured begging me to help him and I DO in my dreams I scream in horror and fear of loosing him and I can never reach him. Never get to him and be what he wants and needs me for….I hate those dreams.

I should have thrown out my laptop and avoided gender boards like an alcoholic should avoid bars.

Instead I had another baby. Another son. My worse pg, my worse birth. And although I thought I had experienced GD before I had no idea how farther I could fall….

I did love this little guy right away, my broody negative little 4th*son. But I was in a dark place after he was born. I couldn’t get out of it. I wanted to be dead. (really was this because he was a boy or because I already needed help and had made my situation worse by adding more responsibility, more work, more anger to the mix??) who knows. I just know that I should have seeked some help but I was to far down in the dark place. I wanted to leave my family. Leave my boys, my husband. At this time my oldest was a teenager and doing what teens do and I wasn’t there as a healthy mother should be. I was to lost in my anger that I didn’t get what I worked so hard to achieve. I felt anger at life for not giving me what I deserved what I worked so hard to get. My relationship with my oldest son weakened to the point that I don’t know if I can get it back. My Little man. My first child. My grown son who doesn’t look at me the way he use to because of how depressed and angry I got with the world… not him. I wasn’t there emotionally the way I should*have been. Because I was too busy being angry I didn’t get what I wanted. That life was being unfair to me. So I was letting life pass me by.

Instead I hid out on Gender boards, stayed dark, and made new plans. I would adopt. That was the answer. This was the reason I didn’t have a bio dd of my own. I would save a little girl who needed a family and I would get the daughter I always dreamed about. This was the reason for everything. This was why I was here. I started to feel a little better although overwhelmed with 3 boys under 3 and a teen… and then it happened. I got pg on my own without fertility treatments without ttc in fact I was avoiding it. And of course it was another boy.

That pg I pretended it didn’t exist. I hated that baby. Hated him with a passion. Wanted him dead from the moment I found out I was pg. I am pro choice but terminating a pg isn’t something I could choose to do. I thought about it, I did. But I didn’t have the balls to go do it… plus I had a stupid tiny thread of hope that maybe just maybe… I did deserve a girl after all.

I know I was wrong to think this way. I knew it and didn’t care. I just stayed in my anger. Stayed in my dark place and when he was born was shocked how much this little personality rocked my world. (God I love that kid) I still wanted a daughter don’t get me wrong. I still felt it ridiculous that me, who only wanted ONE girl, was now the mother of 5 sons. But this little guy was a little glimmer of light for me. I didn’t look at him as a boy though… just my “Kai” my sweet little (big personality) strange bird. He didn’t thrive at birth and has always been behind kids his age and yes… he is very weird. But I adore him. My special little ocean.

So now I am trying to work out my thoughts. Deal with my emotions. Trying to move on from this all and (still adopt of course I had to save my girl) try to bond better with my 3rd*son, salvage my destroyed relationship with my almost grown 1st*son. Be a good mom to my other boys and try to be some sort of wife, friend, daughter. But I didn’t leave the boards. I was the recovering alcoholic. The one who wants to be the sponsor but yet still blames alcohol for all the choices I made in the past. Some call it over coming the odds, some call it pompous. I know call it fooling myself.

I did have a 6th*child and this time it was a girl. No winged angels came down from heaven playing trumpets and no fairy baby was born. A beautiful child who looked like her brothers was born, but she pooped and peed and puked (actually puked more since she was so severely colicky) she was the answer to my prayer but wait…. She is by far my most difficult child. How could this be??? 20yrs of waiting for her, all the things I did and all the people I affected with my desire and she is HARD!?!?! Beyond hard and now I am 41yrs old and while my other friends are moving on to new stages in their lives here I sit with 6 children. A grown son who is indifferent to me because of my discontent, 5 younger kids 6yrs apart in age. One I struggle with guilt with because I still don’t bond to him like the rest and it has been 8yrs!!! And he is by far one of the sweetest kindest people I have ever met. A huge fear that my 5th*son will be torn from me some way because I wished him dead. Things are always happening to threaten his life. I ran in front of a speeding car to push him out of harms way … and leaped over him and fell down a flight of wooden stairs because I didn’t see him sitting on the top step and it was either him or me down the stairs. I jumped and thought I broke leg (dented the bone permanently) I find myself constantly pleading that nothing “bad” happen to him.. to all of them really because I feel I don’t deserve them. Because they deserve better than me.

And my daughter. My girl. The one I have saddled with all my messed up emotions. My reason for doing the things I did. She will never live up to my expectations. How can she? She is just her, her own person. Not the image I have held tight for 20yrs. She is difficult, and ornery and full of piss and vinegar and why not?? She isn’t a doll after all. She is who she is. And it isn’t because she is a girl. Like my boys, she is what she is. And she SHOULD be. She shouldn’t have to “fix” me. That is my job.

I love my children but I often wonder what if I had stopped at 2? Or 3? Wonder if I seeked help and dealt with my GD? Wonder if I would have found out what was really at the root of my issues?? Maybe if I dealt with being molested at 5? Or raped at 15?? A mother who dealt with mental issues?? And pushed me like a pawn in a chess game towards a father who didn’t want me?

No, no more excuses. No more putting the blame on anyone or anything. It is me. I need to take responsibility for my own actions and behaviour.

This extremely long post is not seeking advice. Not seeking acceptance or encouragement. Pity or understanding. I guess it is me finally trying to map out the reality of where my extreme GD has lead me and dealing with the consequences. Gender boards (not just this one) have always been my hiding place. And I think it is here that I should finally start rising out of the dark.

If you have read this and are rolling your eyes. I am doing one more self indulgent thing and writing this so that I can move on and TRY to repair my relationships with those that matter to me (my sons and my daughter) I need to rise above all that I have done and take account for it. Extreme GD is more than wanting to abort a baby in utero. My sons are no longer babies. In fact neither really is my desired girl who didn’t’ make all the boo boos go away.

This just my verbal diareah. How I feel about all this. How it has consumed my life. How I allowed it to. How it has affected everyone around me.

No one has to agree or disagree. No one has to respond to it (probably can’t even finish reading it LOL) but I needed to get it off my chest and well I guess I am the drunk standing at the AA meeting and saying,

Hi my name is Deena and I am an alcoholic….

Maybe now I can move forward.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pinkfairydust

On another note....
I tried to speak to my counsellor about GD and she looked at me like I was mad.
Do people just never talk about it?? Is admitting to GD really the most shameful thing that a counsellor who has been practising for 40 years and seen hundreds or thousands of patients have really never come across it before??


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---

Hi pink where are you?? I am having the exact same problem in the UK. It's either never talked about, or it's something that they hear about but try to keep away from. My councillor had tried to blame several factors for my extreme gender dissapointment always skirting around the actual issue. Even though I have never had any mental health problems until this so no doubt to me the antagonist. I do think they hear of it but they beleive it's a small factor within a bigger picture. I'm sorry they are not being supportive. If ever you want to rant or get anything off your cheast feel free to pm me. I've found advice a support on here (from some people!) Much more valuable than my gp, councillor or anyone irl. I won't judge be it you 1st or 10th gd xxcx

Hi sig, can i first say I'm so sorry about your still birth. I have friends and family affected and I know its never gets easier, you never get better and quite often, people say the wrong thing. I see from your signature she was 30 weeks, i bet she was beautiful and the image of you and your partner. I love her name also. Life can sometimes deal you cards that are so cruel and inexplainable. You try so hard to find reason or explaination to ease your pain but nothing works. I have never had a still birth. But I work within a departmeny that does. I have however had 3 miscarriages (1 late, 2 early) although i cannot compare to having a 30w baby born asleep, I have known baby loss.

It breaks my heart and to be honest its people like yourself who, i know, would do anything to tak a child home, be that's a boy, girl, or alien, that make my feel guilty of my own feelings. I hope that in time you arms will hold a child that comes to stay and your pain will be eased.

I really don't feel very comfortable discussing with you given your situation, but all I can say, at this time, the though of ending the pregnancy seems more bareable that continuing it. Where as for you it was the opposite. I wish i could feel like that, but i cant lie about my feelings

Of course i was aware that there was a chance of an opposite, but after a previous failed sway and being on number 4 I allowed myself to beelive, and as they say the further you soar the harder you fall. My feelings are 100x worse than when i was expecting my 3rd dd. I had hoped (and assumed) i would come round just the same as I did last time but as time goes on, i am coming to the realisation that might not happen. the post from the lady does not help me because wheras she was able to go onto have another 2 children and ultimately her girl, that option is not open to me (for health and other reasons)

Wishing you all the love and luck in the world and i appreciate your input xxx

Sigrid I am sure you meant well but there is really no way in hell the other lady did. Baby specifically asked for religion to be left out so either the other lady disrespected her wishes and feelings because how she feels is more important than baby, or she didn't even care enough to read the whole post. Total lack of caring either way.

I am terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter and I understand you would do anything to have her in your arms and why you feel so strongly that we should be grateful for what we have. However I may shock you a bit further as I say that at this point I can surely speak for myself and maybe even baby when I say we would welcome that over how we are feeling right now. And add in there is a lot of fear to being a mother to a baby you do not want. We don't want to be the mother people read about who kill or abandon their baby. We want to love our 4th daughters. Really I do. Elieve I love mine and despite baby's strong feelings I think she loves hers too but love isn't always enough. Extreme Depression is so strong.

Yes there was the chance the sways would fail. But look at how often they work and odds should have been in our favor with overall gender odds that we should have at least 1 boy out of 4 kids... hell even one of us should have had a boy period. That's 8 girls between us which is just astounding given the 51/50 boy/girl ratio.

Pink fairy- it's a very taboo subject. Think of all the young mothers you hear committing suicide after their first. But no reason is ever known family can't even remember them being depressed.. how many of them were silent GD sufferers that saw no other way out and Really believed their families and children were better off without them?

Hi Baby

I think that counsellor is a twat for 'pushing it under the carpet'. Like all things in the world we should be able to talk about GD and if we didn't get the gender we desired, particularly if we put our bodies and hearts into a sway to get that desired gender. You see a counselor to discuss how you feel not to be judged or ridiculed or scrutinized about your morals or personality or how you feel.

I contemplated seeing a counselor when i found out i was having my 5th boy. I was adamant he was a she. Id seen a psychic, got a couple of confirmations. Id had this feeling that this was it. I went and shopped for some girl stuff had a wardrobe of clothing prepared both new and second hand. At my NT scan she thought boy because of the angle. I googled right up until my appmnt about angle theory being wrong. I paid for a gender u/s. Tech didn't even need to tell me, i was a pro by now..it sucked big time. I even googled 'can a boy turn into a girl on u/s' a gazillion times.

I felt pretty lost for a while. I tend to look at the bright side though and slowly talked myself out of the resentment i had and to be thankful blah blah blah. And hes the cutest sweetest lil dude.

Me and my dh work and i know i have to draw the limits in the number of children we do have somewhere. I really want to try one more time, dh is on the fence yet mutters about getting a vasectomy. PGd is def not on the cards too.

I think for me i always thought i would have a daughter yet here i am 5 boys in and realities sinking in that its probably not gonna happen. Its the finality to it that gets to me. Starts to choke me and i cant breathe. Its like i dont ask for much in life and of all the possibilities i thought for sure ill have boys and girls but nope. Yet people push out BBGG BGBG or classic PP everywhere 😠😠😠 at least when im here i know there's this weird side to reproduction that for some strange reason some families either have all boy or all girls....

I can't even stand looking at mothers and daughters when im out. Mixed families piss me off even more.

I see all daughter families though and i always think did she want a boy (cause i know i would). And i see all son families and wonder too if they wanted a girl.

People always tell me you can't choose..i feel like saying well if we legalise PGD in Australia for gender balancing well yeh we could

Anyway enough of my rambling. I hope you find comfort and peace in the future.


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