Do I dare try again...

I am extremely blessed to have the children I do, I am grateful that I was given the chance to have them at all. And I love all three of them so damn much it hurts. Which is why I am struggling with guilt at the feelings I have now. I assumed after having my daughter, that all my gender desire feelings would go away, and they did, but what I wasnt expecting to feel, was a new type of sadness. As I watched my 2 boys playing together, experiencing great bonding moments together, I looked over and noticed my daughter sitting alone, just watching from the sidelines… she doesnt have a sister to share tea parties with, or to play dollies or dress ups. I know I am there to do those things with her sometimes (and I deeply appreciate those special moments) but as a parent, I am not always there like a sibling is, and to see her sitting alone on the sidelines watching others bonding together, I felt so sad for her… It reminded me of the feelings I used to have when I was the one sitting alone, watching my husband and boys play together, feeling left out. I felt so sad knowing that she might have to grow up feeling what I did. And so here I am again, a place I never thought I’d have to return to, I have to make another choice. Do I try one more time, go through the anxiety and stress, hope and pray that I’d be lucky enough to get another girl, a sister for our daughter…. Or do I walk away from it all and just move forward with the amazing family I already have?

I personally would go again as id want to least try and give my daughter(if i had one) a sister. Ive grown up with sisters and my nieces have sisters and find the bond so amazing and important. You have to be prepared that it may not be a girl and how would u deal with that? Its a tough one but if i was in the same position id try again, esp if previous sway was a success
Best of luck

This is a tough one, and I think one of the less talked about sides of GD. Even I, who have literally said, "I'd rather die than have another girl," sometimes think, "But I am close to my sisters -- shouldn't I try and give her the same, especially when now it's looking like her getting any siblings is unlikely?" The "sitting from the sidelines" definitely resonated. But, there's also the question of how much of it is your own projection -- you said yourself it reminded you of your own experiences, so you might be viewing it from that lens. But maybe your DD is just watching because she enjoys watching them; maybe your DD not joining in is more because of the age than the gender, and as she gets older she will bond with her brothers more in a variety of ways.

So I don't know. You could get another son. But that son could also want to play those things with your DD. Your existing sons might grow to want to play with your DD as they mature; your DD might also grow up wanting to play the same sort of things with your DS as she watches them. There's so many factors involved that I don't know how much input any of us could ever have to influence your decision, since it's such a very big decision. But I do hope that some of our comments could give you some perspective -- dynamics are always changing and unpredictable. You could very well have a great bonded set of siblings as they grow and influence each other. You could have another daughter who never gets along with her sister, etc. So I think, to me, the decision maker wouldn't be "having a sister for her" so much as, "Are you just feeling the pull for another baby" maybe?

Reading your post makes me feel a little sad. If the idea and what would be your reality of 4 children sits well with you and your DH, regardless of gender, then I say it couldn’t hurt to try again and have another girl to give your daughter a sister. Only you and your DH know what’s right for you both and for your family.

I have had to make my peace with this concept myself (since I was 42 when my daughter was born and I conceived her in literally the last month I was going to try, there would be no sister, wasn't even a possibility) and I will share what I've realized along the way.

Growing up I was an only child and always wanted a sibling desperately (I have much younger half-brother and sisters that I adore but it wasn't really the same). I would have loved a big brother, but the idea of a sister is also really compelling, and so I really thought I would take it very hard about my daughter being sisterless but I'm pleased to report that I'm not.

Firstly because I feel like it's very special that she and I are the only girls in the house and it gives a specialness to our relationship - not saying that people with more than one girl don't have that special relationship, not at all, but just that it is something that ~I~ feel peace about. It really is just she and I on the 'makeup/jewelry/babies' team LOL and it's fun. I was able to share a LOT with my boys (my two oldest are adults so I had a lot of parenting under my belt already) but there are just some things they're not super into and it's nice that I have one little person who does want to share those things with me. I never have to worry about dividing my time or that everyone has their "fair share" of mommy time, it's always just she and I.

Secondly it's nice because I don't have to divide my time like I would if I had another little one. I mean another baby, even if it was a girl, would have taken precious time away from my daughter that I was able to spend with her. So there's that angle too. She doens't have to share anything, not her "baby" status or her toys or clothes and can basically be a giant spoiled brat (but in a good way, haha). I know a lot of us want a sister for our daughters because we fear they'll feel deprived without it but there are things we give them in terms of our time and other resources they'd have less of even if we did have another girl.

Right now, Missiz, your little girl is just a little peanut. As she gets older she will play more with the big boys. My daughter idolized her older brothers and plays with them all the time now (we have about the same age gap as your two littler kiddos). If anything, DD and DS 4 are closer than DS 3 and 4 are and DS 3 is often the odd man out in the group...but then DS 3 and DD both like playing outside and DS 4 doesn't so they spend tons of time togther outdoors while DS 4 is the odd man out. So I think you may be surprised later on as she gets older, who gravitates to whom and the connections that are forged that don't seem possible now. Plus, little girls always make best friends along the way and have those experiences with friends that they may not even have with sisters - dressing up, playing dolls, etc...I mean I def. did those things growing up even though I didn't have a sister!

So while obviously you should follow your heart, those are the things that make me feel totally at peace with just having one DD! Wishing you the best in your decision!

thanks so much for the amazing support and giving me a new perspective on what I was feeling. This site really is awesome in how it supports ladies, even when we are afraid that what we are feeling is wrong, there is no judgement and it allows us to sift through the feelings and helps us make the best choices for our families.

You have all given me a good amount to think on and it has both driven me to try again and also be content with what I have, all at the same time ahhahaha :giggle:

So I will have another chat with hubby and see what his thoughts are with my newfound perspective. thanks so much everyone :heart: