I dont want to feel this way...

Hi dear friends..i feel reallu sorry for feeling this way, but o dont really know what to do
As i have told im looking for my 5th and last child.
Im 43 years old and we have infertiloty issues. I had my 4th child after searching for one year and a half and taking medicine me and my husband. He has varicocele and because my age i have no good eggs or ovulation.
My boy is now 22 mo th old and we have not much time left to be able to give him a brother or sister.
My husband is taking medicine for only a month and we have been trying almost 5 cycles. This one is about to end and still no baby.
I have three other boys from my first marriage. My husband had some family and even his sister with problems and we fot our first and third child with austism. All boys. Wanted so much a baby girl and had three boys two with autism. Thats to hard really. Despite i love them i want so much pain and troubles. Still going through them. Third child also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder and attention-deficit and hyperactivity syndrome.
Time goes by. They are 16. 13 and 11 years old. I have a new marriage. A good husband. We tryied so hard fir our child. Is a miracle i love his so much but i got gender dissapointment in pregnancy when found was another boy. Now i love him so much.
So now.. still trying to get our last chance to have a baby if there is any left. Each month is a no.. and cant help thinking i would never be pregnant again and if by any miracle i got the chance after so many time and medication i wont have my dreamed little princess. That would be another boy. Im still thi king that may be i would never have any. No boy no girl and im too old and afraind have problems in pregnancy.i already having be through so much pain...
And then..there it is the worst feeling..the feeling that all around me have it simple. My frienda all have bith girls and boys. Almost all of them in the order the wished.
Then two best friends of my husband gor married and both women had previoud kids as myself. One had a bou and with new husband had firts her dreamed girl even when i was pregnant of my last boy wishing mine would be a girl too. But no. She got the girl. The had another one. Another girl.
Then the other friend of my husband her wife had also a boy from previous marriage. She got pregnant easily. Still when we were already searching. And got twins! I felt happy and also sad. Im so selfish. Obviously she wished a girl because had a boy. Her husband wanted a girl too. My husband wished he had a boy to play with mine. Well they have twins! And today they got their scann. They are havin one of each!
I felt so happy for them but know so sad for myself.
Please help me. I dont want to feel this way so selfish so depressed.
My cycke is almost at end and pain started. My tests lh ( trying to finding out an eatlier pregnancy) giving negative...i dont want to feel like that
Last cycle i got i chemical o got so clwar positive and 4 days passing my end of cycle day and then..my period started. Lost it again. Also lost other chemical of almost 5 weeks before my last child.
My doc says ita not help to get progesterona when searching beacuse i can keep a bad egg at my age and could be even worse.
Im sad i want to be happy with my husband becaise of his frind news but i cant..

So sorry you are going through this. Gd is such a complex emotion and adding trouble ttc on top of it much be so so hard. I struggle watching others getting daughters so easily as well and wonder what is wrong with me.
Feel free to vent here we all understand.
I hope you are feeling better today and the next cycle is successful xx big hugs xx

Hi kittendreams thank you for your words. As having no replies i thought that mu feeling were wrong. I felt you supported me. Thank you! I feel better. Im starting my 3 cycle with clomid and guess wont make it thus month either. I feel better when staring and is like hell at end of cycle. So my emotions goes up and down but still when new month start get new hopes. My feelings also change during month at this time o feel o would love a baby no matter its gender. And also think i would be great with another boy. Sometimes i feel different and i fet sad thinking i wont get pregnant and if i do i will never have a baby girl. I wish i could stay happy not so many swings in mu emotions. My hard fear is not to be able to have another baby and my second fear is not to continue feeling good and bad when get pregnant, im afraind once pregnant i would get only waiting for a girl and feel sad. I want to be happy no matter what. I know i will love my baby any gender..i always do..but foes not feel the same during pregnancy..dont want to feel upset during pregnancy if i found out finally i get pregnant that is not the desired gender. Just so afraid of that..