about atomic "tough love".
No one wants to be told things they don't want to hear.
Sometimes, people NEED to hear things they don't want to hear. It often falls to me to say those things, and I try very hard to do that as tactfully as I can (I don't always succeed at that, but I do try.) It's not because I'm a big fat meanie who is trying to rain on everyone's parade. It's not because I'm a jerkfaced know it all who wants to be right. It's because I've seen SO many people pursue courses of action and the outcomes of those courses of action that I can very very often (not always, but very very often) predict what is going to happen. I can say with a pretty high level of confidence when someone is setting themselves up for future unhappiness and I can do this because I've seen lots of other people with the same type of mindset doing the exact same thing and I've seen what happened when they did.
I am here to try and help you guys however I can to have the best outcome in a variety of different ways. If instead, I sat here silently and twiddled my thumbs while I watched people who I have a pretty good suspicion are setting themselves up for disappointment and misery, out of some misguided desire not to make people mad at me or whatever, then I would be a really, really, really awful person. I take time out of my day, voluntarily, away from my kids, my other clients, and the many other things I'd rather be pursuing (because I do not like Internet confrontations AT ALL) to tell you guys some things that you may not want to hear. I don't want to, but it is my job to.
This means:
If you're pursuing courses of action in IVF that are going to cut your chances of success significantly like taking the wrong, or too many supplements or going to clinics with low success rates, I'm going to tell you that.
If you're pursuing courses of action in swaying that are going to harm your sway, your health, your sanity, your marriage, and your chances of conception (too many things in this category to count) I am going to tell you that.
If you are counting on an ultrasound at the wrong gestation or relying on poor quality ultrasounds for gender confirmation I am going to tell you that.
If you are putting too much stock into symptoms and old wives' tales I'm going to tell you that. Even if you think "it's just for fun" trust me, you DON'T think it's just for fun.
If you are doing things I believe are going to aggravate future gender disappointment such as staying Team Green or giving up on swaying after one BFN because your head is playing tricks on you, I am going to tell you about that.
If you're wallowing in self-pity, or being eaten alive by anxiety over things that are out of your control, I'm going to tell you that if I think it can help you to snap out of it. And if what you're saying while you're in a dark place is actually hurting other people - people who are suffering more than you even realize and your words are causing them pain - then I have no choice in the matter - I have to speak up.
I tell you guys these things with my atomic tough love because I've seen all of the above cause a LOT of trouble, stress, heartbreak, despair and all of it very unnecessarily. I don't do it because I think it's fun to be a jerk - I don't. I don't think it's fun at all but I have an obligation that I've taken on to help you guys whenever I can, even when you don't think you want me to help you in some particular way. If I can prevent some small measure of unhappiness by saying something early and often (and I think that I can, in many cases) then I'm going to do that.
No one ever wants to hear that something they're doing or considering is a bad idea. Because it makes you doubt yourself and no one wants to go into these major life-altering decisions feeling anything less than fully convinced they'll succeed. But the facts are the facts and if I kept these facts from you (or even simply my educated opinion) I would be doing you guys a major disservice. You may think you don't want to hear me say stuff that you desperately need to hear, but it doesn't change the situation - you may very well be better off for hearing those things. Maybe it saves you from a course of action that would have been a disaster for you. Maybe it gives you some perspective and helps you move out of a dark place into the light. Maybe it's useless and I should have kept my mouth shut. No matter what I am trying to help. That's all. If I didn't want to help I'd say nothing because it would be a LOT easier on me that way.
And finally - a special message for those who see me do something like this and then take it upon themselves to play hero. I have done this for 10 years, probably millions of hours by now. I'm coming up on 100,000 posts on this site and had an additional 7000 posts on Ingender, not to mention encounters with numerous people who have contacted me on Facebook, through email, and other social media. I have reasons, many, for saying and suggesting the things that I do, based in years and many hours of observation and interaction with thousands of people. While I do not ever want you guys to hold back sharing your opinion on something, please stop and think before you decide to pick a fight with me in a thread where I'm obviously trying to save someone from making what I believe to be really bad decision. I very well have far more knowledge than you do about any given situation not because I'm smarter or better than anyone else here but simply because I've done this for so long and talked to so many people.
In this situation, the last thing I really need is to then have an argument with a third party. All it does is then add stress and tension to an already stressful and tense situation, making me less able to help the person in crisis. That person in crisis will always listen more to the person they perceive as being on their side, even if that person is wrong. And oftentimes I find that the "hero" is no hero, but instead is someone who wants to hear the same thing that the original poster does. For example, if someone wants to go to a terrible IVF clinic on Antarctica and I try to stop them, it's usually the one other person who wants to go to that same Antarctican IVF clinic who tries to defend them. Because they don't want to hear the things they don't want to hear, either.
If you really think I'm wrong in saying something, hey, great, let me have it - but if you're undermining my attempt to help someone simply because you don't want to face a hard truth about a course of action you're pursuing...well, that doesn't seem cool to me. It's not cool for the person I'm trying to help, and it's not cool for me to then have to take more time out of my day to argue with you. It is hard enough to have to convince someone that something they really want to do is a bad idea, let alone argue with other people whose motives may not be as snowy white as they think they are.
Thank you for listening.
