Hi everyone, I'm back from my break and finally caught up with all the posts! So lovely/sad to see so many newbies here, welcome to you all although I wish you didn't have to be here, iykwim.
I'm having good and bad days. I really thought I was making good progress, starting to believe that this is for the best, but then I got back from hols and started reading up on the ttc pink long termers thread and there were new pink announcements and it all just came crashing down again. I think I'm going to stick to just this thread until I'm feeling better about it all. I couldn't believe how sad I felt just seeing other people's good news. It really makes me hate myself too for not simply being happy for them.
On wed I went back to work and then saw my friends for the first time in a couple of weeks, so there were lots of comments about the pregnancy and "you never know it might be a girl this time". To be fair nobody said anything upsetting and every time gender was mentioned I said "yeah a girl would be lovely but it looked like a boy at the scan" and they all jumped to say that boys are lovely, my two will love a brother etc. I'm so glad I didn't tell anyone bar one close friend IRL about swaying. I feel like everyone would pity me so much and think "poor cow, she wanted a girl so much she thought starving herself would get her one and then it didn't even work". I can't bear that thought.
So I felt by the end of the day that I'd done nothing but trot out my go-to lines about how fab three boys will be all day, and I just wasn't buying any of it.
Then I got an email from my aunt, who has two grown up boys herself. Her kids, especially the eldest, are one of the reasons I have such negative associations with having boys. They were badly behaved, insensitive, foul mouthed, selfish, money-obsessed little sh*its when they were young and my three younger sisters and I always beamed with pride at how lovely and perfect we were in comparison to them when the family would meet up as kids. I grew up with the idea that boys were just awful and my parents thought that too, which makes it really hard not to believe that they prefer my sister's daughter to my sons, even though I know it's not true. Anyway, my aunt said that when pregnant with her DS2, she prayed that if it had to be a boy, please let it be a totally different personality to DS1, and he was. He's actually lovely now. She then said, "so you never know, if this is another boy he might be quiet, well-behaved and lovely" or something to that effect!!! I haven't replied yet, but I'm so tempted to say "what are you implying about my boys?! They ARE lovely, they may be loud and wild but boys are meant to be aren't they? At least they don't know any swear words and have empathy, unlike your two horrors at that age!!!" but I don't have the nerve. Plus I know she means well. She also said my having a third boy makes her even more sure my sister will have a second girl in 6 weeks. I could just cry, I know that will happen but why does she think that would be a nice thing to say to me? I love my niece to bits but she's not my daughter, as much as I'd love a second niece, it will make me really sad, especially as my sister doesn't even have a gender preference.
Why does it have to be that people who don't care either way get both genders and we, who only want ONE of our DG, don't get any? I am really struggling with the whole "fairness" issue. I can't accept that this isn't a question of "fair" or "unfair", that no one has decided that I don't deserve a DD, it just happened that way. I really don't know how to get past that.
I'm so glad you all understand how I feel, I honestly agree with everything I read in this thread, I'm so grateful for it. Sorry for going on, felt like I had a lot to get out today.
I hope you're all doing ok and making progress.
X
