Friend who "forgot" gender desire...

I think it is sad when our friends and families devalue our family make up because it is not what they themselves would want. I can understand that three boys may not be everybody's idea of an ideal family make up, but I love my family and I think it is almost perfect (with the addition of our little princess, it will be perfect). Your friend is being a tad insensitive. It is like she got what she wanted and now she has forgotten all about how hard it was before she got that magnificent gift. I know it is easy to say now, before we have a DD, but if I am lucky enough to get her I will never take that for granted. It is like some people cross over to the "other side" when they get their desired gender....

I know exactly what you are talking about. A friend of mine also did exactly the same thing. We both wanted a girl, and often spoke of what we would do if we had a girl, how our relationship with our daughter would be, how we would go shopping with our daughters and a lot of other stuff. Both me and her sometimes discussed our own childhood which was not exactly how we wished it. We both wanted a better relationship with our mothers and so always wanted a daughter to sort of have a better relationship with our daughter. Then I had my wonderful son and she had her so desired daughter. After that, every time I mentioned that I would have loved to have a child and hopefully a daughter, all of a sudden she began to say that gender does not matter and the important thing is that the baby is healthy. Actually I too believe that that is the most important thing, that the baby is healthy, but I just couldn't stand her saying that. After all she had what she always wanted, a daughter. And I am probably never going to experience what it would be like to have a duaghter. Don't get me wrong, I was happy she had her daughter, it's just her comments that bother me. We are still good friends, and I love her a lot, but I never get to talk about this with her anymore. I did not tell her that I'm ttc let alone tell her that I'm trying to sway. I really wish I could tell her because she is one of the most persons I like to talk about everything with, and I'm sorry that I can't tell her. It's just that I know what her reaction would be. Sorry girls I have written so long....I just had to get this out. I really wish I could tell her without being judged.

I'm reading some of your replies girls, and well I have to say that some of you have said that perhaps our friends who have got their desired gender react this way only because they don't want to hurt us by telling us how lovely it is to have a girl...and well I must say that I never looked at it from that perspective. And perhaps it is also true that they do tell us that it is not important what gender the baby is because they don't want to hurt us any more than we already do suffer. Now that I'm thinking, I don't know what my reaction would have been if I had a girl and she had a boy...what would I have told her? would I have told her...'try again perhaps you'll have a lovely girl now!' or else I would too have told her that 'the important thing is that the baby is healthy!' I really don't know at this point.

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Originally Posted by dreamingpink77

perhaps our friends who have got their desired gender react this way only because they don't want to hurt us by telling us how lovely it is to have a girl...and well I must say that I never looked at it from that perspective.

Now that I'm thinking, I don't know what my reaction would have been if I had a girl and she had a boy...what would I have told her? would I have told her...'try again perhaps you'll have a lovely girl now!' or else I would too have told her that 'the important thing is that the baby is healthy!'

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That is an excellent point. I never thought of that either. What would I say to my friend if I got my DD and she didn't? There really isn't any way she can come out of this without looking insensitive. It's a bit like asking a man "do these jeans make my butt look fat?"... If she non stop talked about how great it is to have a DD, we would criticise her for being insensistive and if she doesn't mention it at all, we criticise her for ignoring it and pretending it isn't important anymore... Maybe "some" of our friends and family are just trying to spare our feelings the best way they know how. Or maybe now that your friend has her DD, its not as super great as she thought it was going to be. She couldn't exactly tell you that though, could she? LOL

zibibbogirl....."do these jeans make my butt look fat?".... this is the best example you could have given! :)

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Originally Posted by *ruby*

My mum is the same except she had 3 girls, exactly what she wanted. She told me after she had number 2 she couldn't believe she was lucky enough to get 2 girls, then for number 3 preferred girl but would have been okay with a boy.

This annoy's me because she acts like girls are first prize and they are all princesses and boys just aren't as exciting in her eyes. So I tell her I'm thrilled to have boys and have no desire for a girl. But still she thinks if we have another it will be for only for a girl, she doesn't understand how anyone could be happy with only boys, I get soo angry about it sometimes. I can just imagine her reaction if we have boy number 3.

My sister has one of each and wants a third but her partner doesn't want anymore and my mum keeps saying to her why do you want another anyway you have the perfect family. So frustrating. I just find it upsetting, esp when she favours my sister's daughter over my boys.

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my mum is simular i'm an only but she only wanted a girl - what she got - if I get my DD I'm going to be so careful cause maybe the whole thing could be prevented and I could feel content with my 2 ds's if these ideas hadn't been planted in my head from a very early age. i think she just trying to make me feel special i guess she never considered the implications at the time....

i would have to say something - if you are going to be close and if you end up with DS3 i think it's essential, I think it maybe difficlut short term but better long term x

Fish - we're not that close, for a few other reasons though. I sometimes think its just that she doesn't know any better. She didn't have sons so she doesn't know how beautiful they can be, I wish she would try to find out through her grandsons though! and I definitely think her preference is why I feel such a strong desire for a daughter, it's all I ever heard growing up :worry:

Yeah, it's so easy to be so open minded and "politically correct" when you have one of each :mad:
Tell her that.

Now that I have my DG, like Atomic points out, she isn't very "girly", I don't love her any *more*, and she didn't solve all my problems- so in a way it does feel like it doesn't matter. That being said, I am ecstatically happy to have her, and she is a dream come true. I would tell her, the next time she makes a comment about it not mattering, tell her you would still really like to have a girl, and ask her how her feelings changed from it mattering to not mattering- she might have something interesting to say, and might be a little more sensitive to you!

Maybe as a friend she could say, "You know, it is nice having a DD, but it's different than I thought it would be. The baby's health really IS the most important thing. But I know how you're feeling and believe me, I remember it." At least that way it would sound more sympathetic and less smug.