UPDATE
You ladies gave me an awful lot to think about - Rose, you in particular. I loved your post and am so happy it worked out for you. I'm sure you would have handled any outcome (you seem like such a positive person) but I'm glad it's the outcome you wanted.
I went through a rough patch with GD, esp. with the thought of putting the IUD back in, like it was my *last* chance. I got really caught up in it all. I responded to what Rose said about if you don't try, you'll never know. So one night we had an 'unprotected' evening. I may have put my husband at a disadvantage since we didn't exactly discuss it beforehand. But he knew how I was feeling and knew what he was getting into. The next day I felt all full of possibility. Like I had let fate take its course, and maybe that's what I was missing in order to move on - whether or not it worked.
There was one more night also unprotected. But after that, I felt a little horrified, like 'what am I doing?!' And then I decided I was ready to put in the IUD and move on. I was actually just waiting for my period to start so I could book my appt. I took a pregnancy test just in case... and guess what! Yep, it's positive. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. At first I was super happy. As the day wore on, I've experienced a huge mixed bag of emotions. We have three children and with each I told my husband the minute I found out I was pregnant. Tonight I had a perfect opportunity to do so and didn't. I'm not sure why. It doesn't feel very real and it's possible that it will turn out to be a chemical pregnancy (it's that early).
I got rid of all my baby stuff! I turned 40! I told people we had tried and it didn't work out (not a lie, just not the whole truth). Then, just like my first three pregnancies, the instant we have unprotected sex we wind up pregnant! It's like these little lives are just determined and take their opportunity when they can! I'm grateful of course not to have fertility issues. And at the end of the day it is a good thing. I actually am mostly hoping for a healthy baby. Of course I would love to have a little girl but it's not consuming me as much as the 'it serves me right' feeling I'm having if this baby isn't healthy. It's insane. I would - and will - be okay with having a fourth boy. I think I just have to prepare myself that I will have another boy. And pray to God that this baby is healthy.
I don't think I'll have the opportunity to tell my husband for a few more days as our weekend is jam-packed, and I really want to tell him in an appropriate way. It's not like with the first three. Those were pretty deliberately planned. This one I feel like I snuck in there and while he was completely aware of the risks, I still feel pretty damn guilty.
I really can't believe this is happening. My family and friends will be completely shocked. I think I'm in a major state of shock too. I guess I didn't tell him tonight because I just need some time to process this. I hope he takes it well. As my one friend (mother of four) said, the best way to get off the fence about having another baby is to get pregnant! She got pregnant with an IUD, even! And another gem that I'm clinging to is, you never regret the children you have, only those you don't.
Sorry for the ramble. There is literally no person I can talk to about this. I can't believe we went down the IVF route, it was such an expensive failure, and now after all that, I took my chances... again! I guess I've come around full-circle now. At least the other children are getting older and so much easier (well, mostly! :) When this baby arrives, I won't have a toddler to chase. And who knows, maybe it will end of being a girl. And my boys are so kind around babies. It will be okay... Just praying for a healthy baby now!!
