Just need to write

Northern i have been thinking of you often are the horrible ordeal that you went through. Please don't think any of what happened is your fault, i hope as hard as it was to hear they managed to find what was wrong with Evelyn so that at least brought you some closure. Nothing you could have done would cause genetic abnormality, it is just awful luck.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are through and i hope you are finding some comfort in your gorgeous boys and wonderful husband who all sound like they have been a terrific support throughout this ideal.

I truly hope by this time next year you are holding a healthy little baby who helps to mend your heart a little (and i will keep my fingers crossed that it is pink).

Just wanted to say I have been following your story and I think you are so brave! You have taken care of Eveyln with such grace and I am positive she is so proud of you for being her sweet mommy. I am sure she sings your praises everyday in heaven! This is not karma it is a terrible tragedy to have lost a child. I know every mommy on here has your story in her heart and is proud to be a mom along with you! You will have a baby and you will fill your arms with a sweet perfect miracle again! Lots of prayers and hugs your way for you and your family.

Thank you all. I woke up feeling a bit more positive but it didn't last long, I just feel like I'm sinking further with each day. I'm an awful mum at the moment, shouting at the boys, I have no patience.

I also had an appointment booked for a smear (pap) test but the nurse refused to do it because its not been 3 years since my last, regardless of the fact I have polyps on my cervix, suffer from cysts and my mum has had her uterus removed because of cancerous fibroids and abnormal cells on her last smear test. I said we were TTC so if I got pregnant soon it'd be well over 3 years since my last and she still refused.

I've had a bad feeling about my next test for a while now and now I've got to wait yet another 10+ months.

OMG are you serious!!!!!! that is ridiculous!!!!! are they not aware of your family history?!

I've just been pulled aside by DS2's preschool teacher, saying she's concerned as he just seems really sad. I'm such an awful mum.

No you're really not, just a sad mom! I think your son suffers to under the loss but can'n express himself like a grown up. Maybe it's a nice idea to watch foto's of Evelyn together with him and to talk about it. Just give yourself and your family time to heal.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my son a year ago and your siggy say's it all it is a complete nightmare.. The last year has been a living hell. I don't even care that he was a boy, I just want my little boy back. I would have another 4 boys if it meant getting him back....

"Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?"

Some one is a complete idiot!! You are NOT selfish, YOU didn't cause this, YOU wanted your baby YOU didn't choose this!! YOU would have felt the same if you lost a little boy I am sure. It is tragic a life changing event, and know it will never stop hurting but it will get easier!! That someone is ignorant and dosn't deserve for you to hear their nasty words in my opinion! Karma well I know I didn't deserve to lose my baby no body dose. I think it is a part of grieving to feel guilty but NONE of this was yours or anybody else's doing.

Some things that have really helped me in the last year are, writing/drawing my emotions, joining a support group there are a lot on face book. I see a psycologist it took me a year to admit I wanted / needed to! I have really bad days I have really good days now as well but the bad days are getting less and the good more.. some times I feel guilty because I have had a really good day! :) It dosn't mean I don't love him, I think of him everyday but now I think of him in a more positive way even though the events were very negative. Thinking of him makes me feel love!

I, like everyone else who has read your blog, think you are an strong and awesome mom, even if you don't feel it. I think it is normal and actually healthy for your son (and whole family) to feel sadness at these times. It is a normal part of grieving and I would be worried if he wasn't feeling these emotions and was detached.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Northern_Shutterbug

Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?

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If you give us the name and address of that person I'll fly over the pond and kick that person in the shins!!
I'm not serious.....but I would consider it because that is the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said.
If that person is concerned about karma they should be concerned about what it will do to them when it comes back around because that is a horrible and completely uncalled for thing to say and they have some mean karma coming their way.

Northern, I don't know how I missed this post! I hope you are
having better days! You are a strong woman going through something most people cannot imagine or relate to. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you need to feel, but for sure try to address the sadness of your son in how you see fit, I'm sure he too is struggling to adjust to the loss of his sister and the sadness of his parents! I'm still so sorry for your loss! I'm hopeful for your ttc journey!