Originally Posted by
prayforprincess
Beckey -- have you looked at my sig?
I felt the same way as you when i found out my 3rd was a boy. I cried and cried at the u/s and made my dh take me to the fertility office the next town over to assure me that they would do pgd for my next baby.
I went into Dylan (my 3rd ds) believing for sure he was my last boy. I even gave away so much boy baby cloth's because for my 4th I was having a girl -- I was doing pgd so why wouldn't I? I thought it was a slam dunk. I was fertile, healthy and when I started pgd only 28 years old.
I'm now almost 31 and having done 4 IVF/PGD cycles and 1 frozen transfer cycle I still don't have my daughter and we are out over $60,000 because of it all. Not that the money is everything, but had I known it would not be successful -- there is a hell of a lot I would rather do with $60k; yet on the flip side if I had my dd, it would have been worth every penny.
I am now back at start. I know I want another baby but we just cannot move forward doing another pgd when there is no guarantee. How much money are we going to waste? At what point does one have to draw the line and say "I've tried everything I could do, if there is a God out there, he knows how badly I've tried and cried and the heartbreak I've gone through to have a daughter" --- all I have left now is to rely on faith.
There are times I still cry. There are women who have 1 cycle and are successful and I ask "why couldn't that be me?" And yet I get pregnant so easily on my own. Its just not fair.
I wanted my kids close. Like I tried my 1st ivf so that my 3rd and 4th would be 2 1/2 years apart. Now after all this trying -- if I get pregnant like this month, my 3rd and 4th will be more than 5 years apart. Its like an only child. But I tell myself if its a girl she'll be into her own things anyway.
Sometimes I tell myself that my 4th has to be a girl. After all I've been through the universe would just be cruel not to give me a dd.
My SIL just went through an IVF process (they have complications) and is pg with 1. Of course did not do pgd b/c they were not going for gender at all. But I just know it will be a girl. Like they did it once, did not even try for gender and its a girl. I did it 4/5 times!!! Its just not fair.
I guess I'm telling you all this because I don't want you to go in thinking ivf/pgd is a sure thing. Its not. Its amazing if it works but there is no guarantee it will. If your RE does not stim you right the 1st time, you won't get good enough or enough eggs -- and most RE's are conservative the 1st time because they don't know how your body will react to stims. You have to get good eggs, then hope a lot fertilize, then hope the ones that do are normal girls, and then hope those normal girls actually implant in your uterus and then hope you don't miscarry it for some unknown reason like I did. Even though all 24 chromosomes can come back normal, that doesn't mean that all the 100's of thousands of genes are perfect. That why not all "normal" embryos implant. So like: if you get 12 eggs, 8 fertilize, only 6 may live to day 5 and of 6 only 2 are normal embryos (about a 1/4 they say). They could both be boys, there could be a girl but it doesn't implant.
I'm not trying to be a pessimist. I am just trying to show you there is no "sure thing for next time" and I don't want you to get false hope like I had for next time.
I know I want another and I have to try again naturally now. I have no choice other than to rely on faith that after everything I will get my dd. And to be honest, while I will love a son more than life itself - a part of my soul and faith will be shaken..I'm not sure I'll believe in much anymore if the universe would do that to me. And that's not the little selfish girl in me whose throwing a tantrum not getting what she wants in the end, that's the part of me that knows there is only so much a person can go through and so much disappointment and heartache a person can take.
It took me 10 months to conceive after my ivf's and I couldn't have been more thrilled. I had even stopped trying and I just felt in my heart it was my daughter. Only to have just found out in May that the baby implanted in my c-section scar and was growing in my cervix. They had to bring me in for emergency surgery and cut out a part of my uterus to get the baby out or I would have died. It was devastating. They told me I could need a hysterectomy depending on how things went, which thank god I did not. And what killed was that the pathology reports came back and said the baby was totally fine and healthy -- it just implanted in the wrong place. Only 5 cases of such a thing documented in the whole country. Really?
Talk about luck. But those kind of things DO make you realize how lucky you are to have a healthy pregnancy and it Does put things into perspective. I'm just thankful I can still have another baby.
I wish you so much luck Beckey and I know you will love your little bugger - and I hope that with whatever you decide for a 4th that someday you'll either meet your dd or come to peace with the beautiful family you have. That's all we can hope for - peace in our hearts with the life we've been given...clearly, I'm still struggling with that myself.
