I wish I could just stay happy...

Of course I am super happy with my daughter, but with every baby I do feel that I'm starting from scratch all over again, another 2-3 years before we can do fun things. In the mean while I feel that my oldest has had his entire childhood filled with us having babies, and I feel that he can never really start his proper childhood with fun trips and activities until he is actually a teenager. So I'm a bit sad about that. I really do sometimes wish I'd stopped at 2 or 3, life would be soooo much easier now. The thought of raising 4 kids is so daunting at the moment, I try not to think about it too much. It's such hard work and so much responsibility, and the smallest ones decide the pace and activity levels of the family. So I do look forward to being done with babies and get on with my life, and have a bit more freedom as a family.
I think all in all, I probably would have been equally happy with 3 boys, but now that I have a girl I at least won't have to wonder about what that's like anymore. But life is definitely hard work at the moment, and the girl is not the key to all happiness, my life is just much more hectic and I'm trying not to let the magnitude of it get me down.

I seriously LOLed at pinkglittersparklefest 24-7. Great band name! Or rave name, lol.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maidentomother

I seriously LOLed at pinkglittersparklefest 24-7. Great band name! Or rave name, lol.

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I did too! I agree- it would be a great rave name!!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], DS3[emoji170][emoji577][emoji843][emoji602][emoji170]

I just wanna pitch in.
I agree with a lot.
It's hard work. And i'm so happy the what if i had a daughter is gone. I do feel that I would be just as happy with my sons.
I do think sometimes i'm sorry my eldest Son has to deal with baby's.
I think every situation had its down sides.
But i love them all to peaces wouldn't wanna miss it in the world. I am so happy that i can enjoy this fase one more time (would have loved it again but i think iTS done)
My sons would have had a different life. On the other hand i don't think they turn out bad because of it. They don't miss anything. They learn and experience other things. Even more sharing and compassion. They learn to deal with girls.
And they are just amazing big brothers.

About age difference. There is no right way. Positives and negatives. I've got it all.
Just try to enjoy whatever you do whenever you can.

I

I feel the exact same way sometimes. I'm doing fine and thinking I'm ok with being an all boy mom, and then I see my husband interact with our niece and I fall apart inside. I do love that things are getting easier bit by bit but I've always had a wonderful relationship with my mom whereas my husband (as well as his brothers) has never been close to his mom. I know it means nothing but I worry sometimes that that will be my future. We always wanted 4 children so I feel like having one more won't make much of a difference but it's still a hard decision to make.
My sister-in-law is pregnant now and I find myself hoping that she'll have a boy because I don't want to deal with the jealousy I know I'll feel if she has a girl. I feel awful for admitting that because she's been trying for a year and only wants to make it through the entire pregnancy and get a healthy baby at the end.

I think this is perhaps the most poignant, and helpful, thread I've seen on this forum. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, ladies. I found this post even after having a dream last night of having a boy immediately after my daughter and feeling such immense satisfaction. I woke up almost instantly depressed at, "But that was just a dream -- that might not end up being my reality, but do I really feel this yearning so strongly that my mind has to try and

But, then I also realize, I had a trigger to some old trauma the day before which had been solely responsible for my anxieties over having a daughter (and why I wanted a son so bad), so maybe it was just coping.

I wonder if, at the core, our GDs really are rooted in some sort of coping -- if only we'd get that, we'd feel happy or "complete," but in reality, aren't we responsible for getting that on our own?

This is why I see a therapist :lol:

The question that I think it's valuable to ask is, if I HAD gotten what I wanted easily and without thinking about it (like so many people do - just get handed whatever kid combo they want or a PP without even thinking about it) what would have consumed me THEN? Because it WOULD BE something. I know people who have the kids and then immediately go back to school or start after some other goal (and not saying there is anything wrong with that at all) and then it's like the kids were just this box on their to-do list. I suspect that we would all be right there beside them if we had gotten what we wanted. It's only the "not having it" that makes it so poignant.

I know these people who were having 2 kids and that was that. They had a boy first, and then she was pregnant and they were like, "this baby's name is Jordan, girl or boy, and then we're done". The name Jordan was more important to them than if it was a boy or a girl. Their life plan was more important. I think that because this is a gender selection site we simply have this one thing in common but there are tons of other sites that are made up of as an example people who are failed writers and sad about that, people who are looking for a spouse, people who want to climb Mount Everest, or people who are trying to achieve some other goal of which there are a kazillion and at least some of them have a PP and it wasn't what turned their crank. They have that and still feel incomplete without (x,y,z) and are willing to turn their lives upsidedown to get it.

Now I strongly suspect that at least SOME of those people, if they were in our shoes, would feel the exact same way as we do. I do not think this desire is necessarily borne out of trauma but may be innate to some greater or lesser extent, and like all innate desires, some people "need" it and others are more like "eh". But because it's not talked about or understood really, we are led to believe it must be some kind of psychological thing that isn't normal, and then we go back to our lives and look for reasons. And the reasons are always there. They may flavor the desire, make it cut more deep perhaps, but they aren't the root of the desire. The desire is just THERE. The heart wants what it wants, and when the heart gets what it wants, a lot of the times, the heart then goes on to want something ELSE.

I saw Matt Damon interviewed on the Graham Norton show a few weeks ago and he was reminiscing about when he won his first Oscar (for Good Will Hunting) and he just sat there and looked at it and thought "This is no big deal at all, I'm so thankful I didn't screw anyone over to get this" and he claimed it was a very profound realization. He went on to mention that there are people in Hollywood who have stressed and obsessed and hoped and prayed their whole lives to get one and then he got it relatively easily, and it was just a stupid gold statue. He said that he was really thankful that he wasn't like 80 years old and finally getting one only to look at it and realize "OMG I just threw away my whole life chasing this." (and keep in the back of your mind, he has 4 daughters himself LOL and may himself have some GD going on by the sounds of it.) On the other hand I saw Angela Landsbury interviewed once and she seemed shockingly bitter to me over her lack of stupid gold statue and she felt like she'd missed out on all these parts that went to "sexier" actresses - but seriously she has had one of the most amazing careers in acting ever, won tons of other awards had a long and very happy marriage (and her husband was really good looking too) and a pigeon pair but she's still sitting there ungrateful over this one little thing. It was like she couldn't even SEE it because all she saw was the thing she didn't have. Don't be Angela Landsbury, ladies.

I'm not a huge Oprah fan but what you wrote reminds me of a helpful quote of hers: "If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." I find this to be very true.

I saw Angela Lansbury at a play in London and everyone in the audience was so excited to be there. She is an amazing actress and 'on paper', has it all. I think this is the heart of so many of us. My husband says I am only happy when I am planing something - whether that is holiday, a wedding, a house move, (a gendered child...)... the rest of the time my mind wanders and turns to depression... That is not great!!!

I totally agree about the longing for more. For me, I'm honest about the fact that a girl is my biggest dream right now. I'm about to go high tech after four boys so naturally it does consume me. But there are days where I'm more interested in having a hot bod and nice hair and pushing myself in my career and enjoying my baby getting a little bit more independent...

I'm honest in knowing that if I'm lucky enough to get a daughter, I will want something more. And I totally agree with atomic, with me it's a perfectionist and ambitious nature. I'm always pushing myself to get more and do more. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

Not everyone gets their desired gender. But you know what, happiness is a choice and I truly believe that anyone can be happy. My friend has three boys and if she has a hint of gd, it isn't apparent. Her life is freaking awesome!