Rosequartz, Complex, pinkfairydust can I tune in please? I don't fit the profile pinkfairydust was reaching out to in her last post (I am only expecting my first child, it's a girl, and I plan to sway blue in the future, not pink), but I just feel like most of what you guys have been discussing is so applicable to me it's crazy!
I was nodding my head vigorously as I read what Complex had to say on this thread - that what we're experiencing is not uncommon but that it is an absolutely taboo subject. Since being aware of this subject and experiencing the emotions myself, I have been keeping my ears open and keep hearing hints of GD from other people in my entourage too - people let drop small phrases that make you feel it's just the tip of the iceberg - 'Is that what you wanted or is it the opposite of what you wanted to hear?' 'That family already have three of those, so hope it's the other one this time around' 'They're happy with whatever seeing as how it's the first one, but they'll want the other one second time around, trust me, seeing as how they can only have two', and so on, so on. It is a shame that the subject carries such a stigma since I think a lot of us have felt horrible at some moment because we believed we were some sort of monster for even feeling that way. Thanks be we can go over the subject and get support on here!
And something else that helped me personally (besides reading the forums on here and speaking with all the lovely forum members) - I hope it won't be too rough, but here goes. I'm the youngest of three daughters and so far the only one who is going to become a Mom - and it seems like it might very much stay that way. My eldest sister has been married for years and while I think that she would have loved a kid her husband is sort of dead set against. My second sister's love life is in a turmoil since the last ten years - could improve of course, but so far she's stuck at that stage. Imagine my parents' happiness at learning they'll finally become grandparents - especially as I am quite a bit younger than my sisters. Well, I think my parents have laid it on a bit thick, as the baby is all they've talked about since finding out. Result - my sisters with whom I've always been super close are acting.. weird. Middle one is carefully steering off the radar and always 'too busy to chat' while before we used to talk every other day, while the eldest does chat but heaven forbid we get on the subject of baby - the other week I listened for nearly an hour on her venting to me about how me and DH don't know the other thing about having a kid, how we're gonna mess this up, how she's sure we have no idea 'bout this and this and that thing... (yup, serious!) Consider this coming from a sister who has always (always!) been super positive and supportive!
Now, I can give as good as I get if someone starts having a fight with me but in this case I just didn't feel the urge to get into an argument with her at all. It's just that the more she was speaking the more I felt convinced that she was only speaking out of her own hurt and bitterness. I went to bed after we said bye and had this huge realization curled up in the sheets that my sister, given her age and circumstances now, will most definitely NEVER be a Mom. And never is a damn long time. And she's probably hurting masses and my having a kid is rubbing it in. I felt so horrified at this idea, and suddenly for the first time felt the whole thing that Complex is talking about - that I am lucky in a lot of things, that being pregnant has been great, that so many women (even those in my family) would give so much to have what I have. That I'm lucky even being able to conceive, that OK, my dream family does include both genders but hey, I am already getting ONE kid at least, I am becoming a Mom, DH is becoming a Dad - and my sister will never have that, I just kept running a loop around that thought. The only way I managed to calm down eventually is that I figured that since my sister had never been pregnant and never felt that connection at least she could not really 'know' what she was missing out on, so to speak. Still :(
So to sum it up - what Complex said, if I can rephrase it a bit - we need to not take for granted what we already have. I think that will help. We get one kid, say it comes with GD - ok, we end up in love with them eventually, but want to sway for the other one - we think, what happens if I don't get the 'desired' one this time around etc - how about focusing some of that energy on going over how it is a miracle that we can conceive at all, compared to some ladies who can't/have partners who don't want them to/etc and that ultimately some amount of GD is still so much better (I think) than no kid and no family ever. Yes, GD sucks - but no baby at all sucks more IMHO. I think that's what Complex was saying when she spoke about how she's been TTC for a while now and is starting to feel that she would just welcome pregnancy even if there is some GD down the line. Best of luck Complex, I hope you get a positive test result soon and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
