Question for people with large families and/or more kids than you thought you'd have

self-indulgent update to the thread...my son is 2 months old (and glorious!) and I'm adamant that this cannot be my last baby. I honestly thought I might end up feeling that way to have another daughter, but that's gone...I'm obsessed with my son lol.... I just need another baby/am not done. Totally acknowledging that 1. As far as I know (I'm not young) I *may* have the luxury of trying, which I don't take for granted and I know doesn't apply to everyone (also, I may not have that luxury, I have no idea)...though I certainly don't have ages. 2. I'm likely still very hormonal and in the honeymoon period and in a year might say what was I thinking I am DONE. I know it's not uncommon to feel this way after having a baby. But...what do you do if you're not done and your partner is? Or the other way? Mine said if I really needed it he'd go for it---or at least not prevent for a year--but I think deep down he's done. And our house is small (my argument is that, within reason, this can be changed while when the fertility window closes it CLOSES) and we are not wealthy and neither of us has the patience of a saint. What do you do if you don't agree? Who "wins"? Just opening that chat really for anyone who has experience or is in a similar boat/wants to chat about it as it feels very indulgent to bring up "in real life". Very much trying to live in the now and enjoy the baby/kids I have instead of worrying about the future, but can't let it go!

Me me me!
I had #5 5mths ago (Hey Atomic!) (& after we had #4 we were DONE then around 15mths old had changed of heart) but I shed a tear most days at the thought of ending my reproductive years. And I do still have a heart to give my DD a sister. My husband right now says he is totally done. But I do think it's different from his point of view. I love the excitement of a bfp, feeling the baby move, giving birth etc yes I love babies. But I also love seeing how they love each other as siblings and take heart in the fact that when I'm old or gone, they'll have each other.
I think I could've stopped at 3 if #3 had been a girl. I was desperate to experience raising a daughter (& we do love it), then having 4 I guess we were already classed as a large family so it didn't seem a stretch to add one more. I'm afraid to mention it in the real world because it does seem indulgent and almost everyone has assumed now we have 5 we are done. Atm I'm just asking my DH to keep an open mind & trying not to be set on convincing him yet when our baby is still a baby because things do change. I have a few regrets about last sway although my DH wanted another boy anyway he wasn't really behind a hard girl sway. But right now I'm asking myself, in 25yrs when my daughter gets married or has her first baby, am I going to regret not having another go at giving her a sister? I have 2 older sisters & 2 older brothers so that is my background I guess - I can't imagine not experiencing the bond of a sister... of course you need to account for your financial and emotional abilities. I'm also 39 now so not too much time left but I know alot of people who've had a baby in their 40s.

That's great news.

My thinking was simply that I have seen plenty of men tell their wives "we're done, we're done" and then a few years later, they decide they're done all together and then start a whole new family with a different woman. I have seen this happen literally into the thousands of times both on this site and IRL, and of course we've also seen gobs of celebrity men who do the same. Their wife is left with nothing but regrets because even if still fertile at that time the odds that she will meet someone with time to start a family (while raising her own, and likely working to support everyone) are not stellar.

Because women have a limited time to have a baby, because we are the ones who go through the process physically and do the bulk of the child care, and because even seemingly decent men pull this trick regularly, I think we have to have the biggest say in adding a child to the family.

Plus, most men may balk at the idea and then be very happy they agreed to have another child. Theoretical babies are much more appealing to women then they are to men - men tend to only see the downsides but once the child arrives they're very happy to have them. I know my husband was not at all sold on another baby, but he absolutely dotes on our daughter.

And there's also the factor where we as women are largely expected to be supportive of our husband's whims and life choices at our own expenses. Men are often switching careers in midlife, taking "bucket list" trips, spending money and time pursuing hobbies that we women don't. My husband took a year off work once after his dad died, spent all our savings during that time, has our family living way off in the country (like, WAY in the country), drinks alcohol in quantities that are more than I would prefer, and loves buying old cars. None of those things were my choice, but I support him in that because it was important to him. So why is it, exactly, that the things that he wants to do are in any way more inherently better or superior to the things I want to do? They aren't, yet society looks askance at a woman who wants a child like she's just this side of unhinged! I felt that for me, that last baby was simply non-negotiable, and this was one time I was going to put myself and what I wanted first.

I do want to point out that many of us have had a very strong baby desire that then wanes at about the 12-18 month mark. So it may be that soon you do feel at peace with it - but don't sell yourself and your wishes short! We go around but once, and sometimes it is ok to put yourself and your own needs at the top of the pecking order. :)

I think if he knew for sure that all would be well and healthy, my DH would go for it. He worries that something may be "wrong" (entering uncomfortable territory here, I know, as none of us has any idea what life will bring for us or any of our kids, even if things start of "perfect") and is inclined to count his blessings and "quit while we're ahead." I'm an only child so definitely have that massive desire to give my kids lots of people they can (at least in theory) count on as adults. I've certainly seen loads of siblings not get on or even speak, but it's my hope that my kids would at least have each other in some capacity, even if they're not best friends. Funny, my DD has no desire for a sister but would love another brother (Atomic, you were RIGHT when you told me all would be ok on that front). I think DH recognises that as the person with the closing fertility window I do get a big say but he's also disinclined to go down the trying route again as I was not easy to live with going through miscarriages or even in the pregnancy so I'd probably have to be a bit more practical about it all and go in with a "if it happens great, if not, I cannot get sucked into obsession and I will have to move on." Ha I bet desire does shut down after 18 months but we'd have to try well before that and not even give it a chance to shut down as I'm nearing 40. Thanks for answers, lots to think about!

To update this--we went for number 4. My house is a chaotic mess, as are my emotions, but I'm very glad we went for it. I was expecting a "great, now my family is complete" moment but honestly I'm just sad I'll never be pregnant again...only 3 weeks post-partum though so hoping the aha moment will come. I know 4 isn't a massive family compared to some but in London it's considered mad/only for the very rich (we are not). I have to say, though, I love writing cards and all the space our names take up. I even kinda like attempting to go out and how we take up an entire booth. It's messy and chaotic--and hard--and fun and so different from my only child childhood (not a comment on either being good or bad--just keep realising how very different it is). So, we did it!

Kiwimaz, did your desire wane? Did you act on it? I know some of it is nature tricking me into MAKING MORE PEOPLE and I also know that we are, for many reasons, DONE. But I'm wondering if it's just a sad feeling I have to live with or if it does go away.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PinkSabra101

Kiwimaz, did your desire wane? Did you act on it? I know some of it is nature tricking me into MAKING MORE PEOPLE and I also know that we are, for many reasons, DONE. But I'm wondering if it's just a sad feeling I have to live with or if it does go away.

---

Congrats!!! I’ve been off the site a while as didn’t let me log in…. I’ve got 5 (5th finally being my DG) and am done, selling/ donating everything as we go..feels good but bittersweet, especially as the big sisters are begging for another baby brother… I really would have loved to give him a bro, but too many ifs ( I’m 40 now, 5 kids is a lot, our families are all abroad 24h + plane trip away, no help here, both full time work…) but knowing I’ll never have that excitement of another pregnancy is rough. My last pregnancy was rough physically ( and the PP also) and I feel I didn’t enjoy it as was terrified of losing him ( especially with a MMC just before him) and labour wasn’t magical like my lady daughter’s… wish I could have a redo lol
It’s a hard page to turn but hopefully it’ll get easier…for you too, PinkSabra ;) you’ll still in the very early PP, too!! Xx