Oh and btw Lace.. thank you for making this thread. Never been able to really talk about my own experiences without feeling judged and afraid!
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Oh and btw Lace.. thank you for making this thread. Never been able to really talk about my own experiences without feeling judged and afraid!
Gosh Tigger.... so heartbreaking. I've never hallucinated (yet), thank goodness. Yours would be from PTSD though, right? That's got to be different then hallucinating without a traumatic incident link somewhere.
I'm grateful that I haven't had anything happen like that so far but I'm always on the watch as I do have an uncle with schizo, so it's scary stuff. I worry about the paranoia escalating though. I do wonder about my mom sometimes, as she swears she 'sees signs from Angels' (yeeeeah ok mom) but who knows if that's more of her wishful thinking from her annoying evanglistic streak. Seriously, it's annoying. I like talking to her but I really hate how she's utterly predictable - in every conversation she just MUST get in a dig about finding peace in prayer. GAH!!!
Hope your dream is prophetic in a good way!
Well you can hope it is prophetic! Will just have to wait and see what the new year brings you.
I have a friend who is simillar to your mum. She's muslim and the loveliest woman ever - but whenever you speak to her she tells you to pray for answers, peace, saviour etc. And as much as I would like to believe prayer could help, I just don't. It's something inside me thats 'messed up' and prayer isn't going to undo the damage. I think its great if religion and angels can help people through their problems... But my problem isn't not having peace. I feel peaceful, I'm happy and contented with my life. In fact, I love my life! Except a few financial worries I have a bloody brilliant life! I know I'm blessed and i count my lucky stars on a daily basis - but something inside me is complete turmoil. Something inside me is so repressed that occasionally it just all burst out and takes over for a period of time and in that time, even though its short intervals now, its all-consuming and there is no peace in it. It's just raw, pure emotions that I can't deal with or control!
Yeah its from PTSD. The hallucination thing was the last symptom that occured before I received proper help for it. At first I was convinced I was haunted, then I was convinced I was schizo, so when the GP said PTSD I was actually relieved, until I found out it was a "life sentence".
Luckily, I've learned to 'live' and manage most of my symptoms. Hallucinations don't occur anymore - more outbursts of emotions (fear, rage, despair). It's very mild, but I think it helps that I distanced myself from a lot of trigger factors.
Tigger, exactly that! I hate being preached to because I AM content and grateful and happy in my life. It's like when you're ill and symptomatic it's invasion of the bodysnatchers, the alien eats your brain.
That is entirely why in the recent episodes I get suicidal intrusive thoughts yet I DO NOT want to die. The manifestation this month is far more intense than it was when I was 22.....when I was not content/happy/have faith in God. If I felt these intense horrible emotions/thoughts a decade ago I probably would've actually tried to act on them.
So I feel them, (the bad thoughts and emotions), and yet I don't really *feel* them. I don't identify with them which is a good thing. Doesn't make it any less painful to feel though.
And that is a dichotomy that someone who has never had a real MI just does not get. They have no idea what we're talking about, that separation of self and emotions/thoughts, because they've never experienced feeling emotions that weren't really theirs. And that is the difference.
I know my mom means well but she has no idea. And I wish she'd just SHUT UP because I don't need to hear it EVERY conversation, yk? Besides, she's quite the hypocrite considering she suffers from OCD hoarding and doesn't see it to be a problem at all. Yeesh.
Sometimes its easier to see and face other peoples demons than admit your got them yourself. Its easier to try to save other people than attempt saving yourself! I know I certainly do that - I'm all about great advice, but when it comes to myself I'm as lost as Alice in Wonderland.
I get what you mean - especially the intrusive thoughts. I had those and yet, I did not want to die. I didn't want to leave the world I have. I didn't want to leave my son! And yet, this urge kept gripping hold off me, telling me it would be easier just to let go. It isn't easy. Especially because sometimes you get caught in the whirlwind and can't get out of it.
I often felt like there were the two "Me's". The one who was in agony and the one who could reason. But most of the time it felt like I was standing beside myself screaming "Get up! Pull yourself together - you are stronger than this", but the 'Me' in agony couldn't listen and couldn't act. I know that might sound a bit crazy... but I always knew what I 'needed' to do, I just couldn't physically do it. It feels like... well... to be a bit cliche, it feels like being chained to the ground!
But, I do believe that there IS a way out. Maybe not a cure, but a way to live with the symptoms and not let the symptoms live you. But I know it can be hard to find the way that works for you - especially with symptoms like yours, because I won't for one second pretend that I have suffered as much as you. I do fully understand you though and for whatever its worth - you are not alone!
:hugs: Aww Tigger, it's not a contest. And conversely I feel the same about everything you've gone through, I can't imagine and I really admire your strength.
Yes, I talk to myself too, but the demons are louder, yk? Especially the OCD stuff. Obviously I know that it's NOT FREAKING SANE to lock and relock the same door for half an hour (yeeeaaaaah) but it's like I'm rooted and stuck to the ground. Even as my sane mind goes 'walk away, walk away, this is ridiculous' the OCD whispers 'it's not RIGHT yet, and what's the harm of checking just one more time?'
The worst though is ruminating obsessions for me. I HATE them. My mind will pick at a triggering incident in my past that no one else would think twice about and go 'what if?' .... 'What if there was contaminated stuff there, what if you touched it without knowing, what if you then caught that disease' etc etc etc. And the worst part is the stuff is in the past so you can't even go back and check. So then it's this horrible feeling of doom that I'm powerless to change because it's in the past, and of course it's ALWAYS worst case scenario. Argh. I've smacked myself in the head to try to get these ruminations to stop but hasn't worked yet.
I'm still trying to find a good source of CBT where I live, but it's hard logistically. I've read every book there is to read and it's all well and good to know the techniques, but playing your own therapist doesn't really work because when you're so deluded you can override common sense too easily. So it's not that I don't know what to do, but when the MI is taking over you can't see around it and it just doesn't work to be your own therapist or kick yourself in the butt when you need it, lol. It's definitely on my radar though, I need to get a therapist for the OCD side of things for sure.
Lexapro is my friend.:bigsmile:
I get it - completely. I mean, I haven't had OCD, but i can relate to knowing what you're doing or thinking isn't sane!
I did a major psychology assignment on MI last year and did a thorough assessment of CBT for OCD and as far as I remember it proved quite effective, as long as you stay away from flooding. Can't quite remember the statistics for it though... Isn't there any near you?
I wish I could drink wine, It gives me a headache no matter how much, or little I drink of it. I have found ways to soothe myself somedays it works and others forget it! Im thankful I've never had hallucination's I think if that were added to my list of symptoms Id be literally in a padded room. Sometimes I think that's where I belong, id feel safer being in a ward then out here in the real world. But Id miss my babies to much. I agree Tigger, theres no cure I SO wish there was! I just want to find something to balance me back out. Im sick of up and down! Like today my 2nd graders have a xmas play at school and idk how Im gonna leave the house to go :( I will force myself cuz I already missed their chorus/band concert last week. The thing is ik that fresh air is great but I cant get myself to leave the house for anything. If I do I panic! I cant even go xmas shopping or to any store for that matter like a normal person and enjoy it. Geez Im a woman Im supposed to LOVE shopping. My ex is a HUGE downer and he knows it and uses it against me. Sometimes I wish he'd move 10,000 miles away! I cant take his negativity and one of these days I'll have to give you the BG on him cuz he is the most manipulative,abusive mind controlling jerk I have ever known. After I left him It was such a HUGE relief and I felt so good for so long. We've been separated over 4 years now and he still cant let go and wont leave me alone. He'll get mad at me for not getting a loaf of bread for the boys when their there and then text my current SO and try to start stuff with him... :nono: My SO gets irritated and has told me in the past that he's not gonna keep dealing with his bs. I swear if ex comes between me and SO idk what ill do, but im sure ill lose it..
Yuzu, I wish I dared take Lexapro! Ride now I'm in a holding pattern though. My doc is befuddled why I'm having such an odd reaction to the Zoloft that I've taken off and on for many years, and at a very low dose too. I've also had a crazy reaction to Effexor so with the possibility of bipolar in there somewhere a lot of the proven meds for OCD/anxiety now isn't an option because it could trigger a scary manic episode. I just really hope it won't take much longer to get preggo because I just don't want to be 'holding on' forever.
Tigger, OCD suuuuuucks. Rumination OCD is the worst because you feel so powerless, yk? I know CBT is the best but the only OCD specific groups I've been able to find so far is 45 minutes drive each way. I wouldn't even mind paying for a therapist but I'd have to find the right one, there are so many quacks and snake oil salesmen out there. (Life coach anyone?) What's flooding, btw?
Really I just want to know why I can't get rid of this hyper vigilance. Why can't I just be content and not feel like something horrible is just around the corner? I have a great life and have never done anything to deserve bad karma, so I don't get why I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop all the time. Yeesh, where the heck did this existential pessimism come from?!?
Momofboys, I'm sorry your ex is being such a pain. I get you, when we're struggling to just function sort-of normally we just don't need any extra stress. Even a little bit is enough to make us explode! I feel you, I'm starting to become housebound too and I know it's not healthy at all. :( Life's too short to have poisonous people in our lives, yet it's such a PITA when they won't leave us alone. Hopefully your SO can takeover and tell your ex to get lost if he becomes a nuisance.
Ugh, sorry ladies, I just can't think this morning, still sick and very foggy. I did lose 2lbs overnight though, lol but puking one's guts up isn't a great way to do it!
Well... that's my good LE diet out the window.. urgh...
I'm such a comfort eater! I'm feeling really upset today as OHs dad and stepmum just used xmas as another way owing in a dig at me..!
- Not invited to the Xmas dinner. Then extended the invitation last minute because they knew it'd be too late for me to find a nanny for the boys
- Didn't include me in the xmas card
- Their xmas present to me was OHs stepsisters old, used make up bag. Gee... thx!
I know you should just be grateful for a gift - but I'm tired of them treating me like dirt... I don't want to invovle OH - it upsets him so much! Like when we got engaged they made a huge fuss, called me every name under the sun, tried to get OH to split and dump contact with DS1 (seriously) and OH cut contact with them until they learnt to accept his family.
They apologised and said they would! Ds2 is born and looks more like OHs brother than OH and immediately they are in there saying I'm a good for nothing W**** who's been sleeping with his brother! Which is a HORRIBLE accusation and thank GOD OH didn't believe it for a second! OH got very angry, had a very BIG talk with his dad who promised it would be better...
Well.. I guess being ignored is better than trashed.. still makes me upset though... never done anything other than love OH and have his kids. Didn't know that was a crime!
So here I am... ordered chinese and now scoffing ferrero rocher... Boo! >_< Hope its OK to have one major oTT cheat day xD
Ewww, no a used item is NOT a gift! No one can fault you for being insulted. That's awful. I still remember as a kid seeing my mom cry (and she doesn't EVER cry) when her toxic parents gave her a used vacuum cleaner as an Xmas gift. :(
It's worst than no gift at all, really. At least if you don't get a gift you can pretend that they forgot you. When they give you shitty used crap as a 'gift' it really drives home the insult. Family sucks sometimes.
:hugs: Sorry about the diet thing, but one day won't hurt anything. I OTOH have aced the diet lately, mostly because I'm too depressed and anxiety ridden to have an appetite at all. :( 4 days to Christmas and I can't find any cheer to save my life. I hate being such a terrible downer right now!!
Oh honey... I'm really sorry you're suffering so much lately! it really isn't fair... =(
I wish I could be more helpful, but atm I'm just fuming...! OH was suppose to be home sort of 11ish as I've got plans tomorrow morning, which he KNOWS! But alas its 00.32 and he still hasn't turned up. According to MiL she saw him at her house at 22.30 and said he was getting in a taxi... <_<
I'm also feeling nerve wrecked as last time he went out with his dad was the Christmas DS2 was out and his dad actually invited a girl as a BLIND DATE for my OH (oh yes, he did!). Now OH didn't do anything, nor would he. But it makes me feel like crap waiting here for him coming home knowing my FiL will do anything to split us up! (MiL and FiL are divorced)
Tigger, thanks. I feel like such an emo teenager lately! I'm doing better this evening. :) I think my brain found 'normal' around 8pm tonight, when I actually see things in perspective like any other normal person! Yay! Too bad it'll reset again in the morning. Boo.
I feel your frustration. Nothing peeves me off more than people being late. Grrrrrr. My hubby knows now never ever to ignore my calls EVER if he's so much as a minute running behind, it's a great way to sleep on the couch for a week.
Well I gave into a craving and having some smoked salmon on a bagel tonight. Screw it, I've last 2 lbs from puking the last few days so I figure the extra protein won't hurt, lol. My chart is such a mess this week being sick right around O time too. We did manage to BD between puking sessions, is that commitment or what? ;)
Oh dear me, I think Atomic would classify that as being obsessive lol! I do hope you get your bFP this month and tbh with what you're going throuhg I think you deserve a bit of smoked salmon ;)
Thanks, Tigger!
Well I got about an hour of 'normal' brain last evening. Unfortunately free-floating anxiety set in again around 9pm. Boo. I feel less unstable then last week but back to my previous levels of anxiety and depression, which isn't great but at least I'm not feeling as raw. I don't consider this a great maintenance level obviously but it's manageable until I get into see my pdoc next month.
I've found some therapy resources that sound like they're a good fit for my needs. It'll be pricey of course but if it's the right help it's worth it. I'll be calling on Monday to start getting more information. My insurance only pays for $1000/year with 20% copay, which isn't much when it comes to therapy....I imagine I might only get 5-6 sessions out of that limit. :( But if I stagger a therapy session with my pdoc appts I figure that'll work since I'll be seeing someone for mental health every two weeks and that should get me about 5-6 months worth of therapy then.
Also if we don't get our bfp this month next month I'm going to start adding in white meat proteins and fish. I think all this simple sugar eating has definitely not helped my mood stability for sure! It's not the only thing to blame though as I can look back and realize that it's been a slow steady slide into low grade depression over the last year or so. Stupid hormones.
But Lace - if you live in Canada can't you get therapy on your national health service?
Yes and no. OHIP in Ontario (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) is my provincial plan, and it covers anyone that's an MD. So I don't have to pay for my psychiatrist for example. But psych's only really do the med part, they don't have time or experience to do talk therapy. Most talk therapy and CBT is covered by psychologists and counsellors, and unfortunately those aren't covered by OHIP. :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiggerian
There are a special type I just recently learned of called psychotherapists who *are* MD's who do CBT and thus would be covered by OHIP, but I haven't found any in my city yet. So for now I'm just going to go with what I can find since something is better than nothing. Hopefully 6 months will be enough for me to either learn techniques to do it on my own or to find a psychotherapist.
But as I told hubby it doesn't matter how much it costs, if we can find the money it's worth it for a stable and sane mind!
Holding steady still. Worrying, but what else is new? LOL I'm not fluctuating all over the place like last week so at least I can work on applying the CBT mindfulness stuff I do know (which isn't that much!) Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, but hey that's not bad compared to the past month. :)
Wanted to link this debate thread on attitudes about MI: http://www.ravelry.com/discuss/big-i...e/2398679/1-25
Be warned, though, it IS a debate thread so there will be comments of all stripes and some are not sensitive or informed. So it might be triggery. The first post has a link to a blog that's absolutely heartbreaking about a mom trying to deal with her 13 yo son who has some very serious (and violent) issues.
There are no easy answers but I'm glad to see at least we're seeing a movement of awareness. It's a start.
Just a quick update.....so no one worries that I've gone off the rails! ;)
I'm doing great atm. :) Had a lovely quiet Christmas with the family, and turns out the Xbox with Kinect was the PERFECT gift for us. And me. Yes I've been obsessed with it (gee whiz there's a shocker, lol), and have spent WAAAY too much on games so far but it's been wonderful. And, cheaper than therapy still!
I'm a Dance Central fiend right now, lol, and it's been awesome. I don't play 'traditional' vid games but this system is a dream for anyone who likes fun of the family/cheesy variety and wants to stay active. Plus all the exercise and dancing has kept me off the couch and the exercise has been great for my state of mind. And it's been a riot playing with all the kids, doing interactive Sesame Street with DS3 (AWESOME stuff) and watching the older two dance Gangnam Style. So. Funny.
I've also dumped a big part of the low protein part of the LE diet, and I was right, it has really helped my state of mind. I know that it compromises the pink sway but I couldn't be in that horrid dark place I was last month. I will gladly take another baby boy anyday over crazy crap. Alas, my last cycle was a bust, but moving on.......and also added B6 this month and have totally weaned and hope my LP will get better.
Yay! So glad to see you back and even better to hear that you're doing well. Sorry you didn't get a bfp, perhaps this'll be our month?! :) x x
Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2
Hmm been awhile since I posted here!
So, just wanted to whine a bit. Been struggling with very bad paranoia and OCD since the m/c. :( I'm sure that the extreme OCD compulsions is probably related to my psyche trying to hypercontrol everything after feeling so OUT of control with the m/c.
The intrusive thoughts really suck. I know they're not rational but it's so EXHAUSTING trying to resist the temptation to compulse. And most of the time I eventually give in anyways even though I know I shouldn't just to SHUT THE URGE UP. I know it's the wrong thing to do but it buys me an hour or more of peace.
I'm very exhausted. Dealing with the m/c feelings was easier than dealing with this crappy horrid crap that's OCD. At least with the m/c it was a grief process and you go through it, cry, and it's going to heal. OCD never heals.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow and it should be interesting. One thing that I keep forgetting to bring up with him is an incident that I seriously wonder if it might be contributing to my paranoia troubles now. A few years ago I was in the Reserves, and was put in a compromising position by a superior officer. And yes, that means a sexually compromising position. Thank the good Lord nothing actually happened, but only by the Grace of God and because the guy didn't actually try anything in the end. But if he had I would've had no hope of escaping.
I didn't think that had any lasting trauma, but maybe it did? It didn't help that when I reported the incident my (female) superior told me that I should've not put myself in that vulnerable position in the first place. I never did get counselling or anything, and it's been so many years that I just kind of dismissed it I guess. I didn't have classic PTSD symptoms but I wonder.....
My psychiatrist says that a lot of my OCD issues stems from a complete lack of trust in myself. I'm beginning to think that that incident might be creating issues now.
I really really wish I could try other meds but with this ttc thing it complicates issues. One of the meds my psych wants to try is a tricyclic, but they're FDA Class C. :( I'm beginning to think maybe I need to find a therapist.
Bah.