Will I have this desire for the rest of my life???

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Originally Posted by MummaBear

Do you think maybe the different perspectives were perhaps because it was a different gender? I know many women out there do long for a son, but is it a bit different to the longing for a daughter?
When it comes to my grandkids I will only ever be the MIL! that relationship makes it different straight up. :( sad but true. Some women get along great with their MILs don't get me wrong but majority of the time not so much. I have asked women when they get all upset about something their MIL said 'Would you be so upset if it was your mother who had said it' and their reply always is no because she is my mum.

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I'm not very close with my mom- we have a tumultuous relationship. She is very abusive to me and has a personality disorder. If it weren't for my MIL, I don't know what I'd do! She is like a mom to me in so many ways! People think we are actually mother and daughter because of how close we are. My MIL is an angel- I cannot fathom ever being mad at her or even being annoyed by her. Same goes for my FIL too. They are just genuinely nice/authentic people. I can completely and utterly trust them with my children without even batting an eye or thinking twice.

Oh and my DH and I have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years. To put my relationship with my MIL in context.



[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MummaBear

Do you think maybe the different perspectives were perhaps because it was a different gender? I know many women out there do long for a son, but is it a bit different to the longing for a daughter?
When it comes to my grandkids I will only ever be the MIL! that relationship makes it different straight up. :( sad but true. Some women get along great with their MILs don't get me wrong but majority of the time not so much. I have asked women when they get all upset about something their MIL said 'Would you be so upset if it was your mother who had said it' and their reply always is no because she is my mum.

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I wonder this too, mainly because when I opened up to my mum about my GD, she blithely said 'I always wanted a boy'. I am one of 3 girls. She brought us up on her own from when I was 11 and my sisters were 6 and she spent a lot of time telling us how amazing women are (and the men in our lives were pretty pathetic tbh). I wonder if she was all 'yeh girl power' because of her own GD and ironically this was a key factor in creating my GD!

Anyway, she got herself sterilised after having my sisters, and she was only 30 so she can't have wanted a boy that much. I brought the topic up with her again recently and she reminded me that she had wanted a boy, I said 'I don't want to be dismissive of your feelings but if you wanted a boy like I want a daughter, then you would not have got sterilised at 30 because I would keep trying and trying if I could, it runs much deeper here'. I think she finally got how upset I am, for the first time.

I also think it is kind of bizarre that she wanted a boy as she is super girly and even though she has now got 4 grandsons she does loads of girly things with them and doesn't enjoy it when they are boisterous at all. I think she liked the idea but actually she is much better suited to being a girl mum, I wonder how she would have been if we were all boys, would she have been like me?

Happylea firstly your boys are gorgeous!! I think it does get easier, I found that after my son was 1 and I had settled back into 'life' and out of the baby stage I really didn't think about the daughter-longing that much, I still wanted one, but didn't feel it was the focus for me. Now that I am pregnant again, that longing has returned and I guess it's the possibility of a daughter and the refocus on life with a baby that are bringing back the feelings. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
On the topic of mils, I don't have one and wish to god I did. I rely on my own mother so much for help with my son while I work, I feel like I really push the boundaries sometimes and he is already in childcare too! To have an extra set of hands would be amazing (if they wanted to of course!), even just for a few hours so hubby and I could have a meal out etc! I am very jealous of my friends with mils and not worried at all if that is all I ever get to be!!

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Originally Posted by MummaBear

Do you think maybe the different perspectives were perhaps because it was a different gender? I know many women out there do long for a son, but is it a bit different to the longing for a daughter?
When it comes to my grandkids I will only ever be the MIL! that relationship makes it different straight up. :( sad but true. Some women get along great with their MILs don't get me wrong but majority of the time not so much. I have asked women when they get all upset about something their MIL said 'Would you be so upset if it was your mother who had said it' and their reply always is no because she is my mum.

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I get along better with my MIL than with my mom. I wouldn't take parenting advice from nobody anyway tho - mom or MIL. ;)

I had a very strong gender desire for a boy with my first and I just happily got him. I was SO HAPPY to have a second son, too. I was just thinking of the moment I had him yesterday and how happy I was. There are many ladies on here who have very severe GD for a boy and I would have been right there with them if I had had only girls.

I think that for those of us who do want girls there is a little bit of a tendency to mystical-ize (that's a word, right??) mother daughter relationships but mother son relationships are just as precious in their own way. It's just that we have those already LOL so it doesn't seem as mystical. :)

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Originally Posted by bigbump

I wonder this too, mainly because when I opened up to my mum about my GD, she blithely said 'I always wanted a boy'. I am one of 3 girls. She brought us up on her own from when I was 11 and my sisters were 6 and she spent a lot of time telling us how amazing women are (and the men in our lives were pretty pathetic tbh). I wonder if she was all 'yeh girl power' because of her own GD and ironically this was a key factor in creating my GD!

Anyway, she got herself sterilised after having my sisters, and she was only 30 so she can't have wanted a boy that much. I brought the topic up with her again recently and she reminded me that she had wanted a boy, I said 'I don't want to be dismissive of your feelings but if you wanted a boy like I want a daughter, then you would not have got sterilised at 30 because I would keep trying and trying if I could, it runs much deeper here'. I think she finally got how upset I am, for the first time.

I also think it is kind of bizarre that she wanted a boy as she is super girly and even though she has now got 4 grandsons she does loads of girly things with them and doesn't enjoy it when they are boisterous at all. I think she liked the idea but actually she is much better suited to being a girl mum, I wonder how she would have been if we were all boys, would she have been like me?

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Ok. I understand that this has already been said but just to say something that catches my eye here, we don't know what happened in a person's mind and heart and it may have been devastatingly painful to have gone through that. The times were different then with pressures that we may not face as much now, and she very well may have thought she was doing what is best for you girls by having the operation done. We have many women on here who have their tubes tied after they reached a certain number of children, and really struggle with the decision for years after that. I understand you were not deliberately trying to hurt her feelings but maybe just don't assume it was easy or that her feelings are/were therefore less than yours because of that.

A lot of us who want girls (and I include myself here) may be "better suited" to boys. That certainly doesn't take that desire away and I really didn't like it when people would tell me "well, you're not girly anyway" or "you're so good with boys" as if that was somehow supposed to make me resigned to my fate more. It didn't.

I get that. But in fairness this was an in depth conversation with someone I know intimately, my mum, and it went on for a while and actually I was on the money because she told me she was happy with her decision and she hadn't realised how I was feeling. I wasn't being dismissive of her, and this wasn't the first conversation we'd had. I was actually trying to open up about me. When I tried to talk to her in the past she just said she wanted a boy and talked about herself exclusively (which she does) and I just shut up. I didn't hurt her feelings. Believe me she'd let me know. But if I hurt anyone else's I apologise.


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:agree: I totally get that but I am more thinking of the next person who may read this and then possibly say something similar to someone who they possibly do not know as well, and also the ladies on here who are facing a lot of pressure (or have already done so) to have a tubal.

I do not want to minimize anyone's feelings here and it is absolutely possible to have a tubal ligation that one may regret or have done because in good faith were doing the right thing and that doesn't mean that another person didn't want it as much as us. It is just not something that I would want to have any of us bandying about as a justification for our own gender disappointment, if that makes any sense. This may be the exception that proves the rule, but it's still a good rule.

It is a good rule.

Of course everything has a context. The context of this conversation was yet another talk with my mum where she didn't listen to me at all and just waited for a tiny gap so she could butt in and talk about herself instead of listening. I guess I was trying to tell her that what she was describing was similar to my feelings but that I was really struggling and I needed her to listen.

I appreciate that doesn't necessarily come over in the comment above.

Anyone that has made that move and then regretted it has my total empathy. I think it must be awful to feel your choices have been taken away, regardless of how that came about.

Anyway let's put it to bed now. If I offended or upset anyone, I apologise, it wasn't my intention at all.


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Happylea as I was reading this I got teary a little why? Because you are so me . I also have 5 boys my youngest is 21 months old and I feel exactly the same way you do and I have no one to talk about it, that's why I'm glad I've found this site. Everytime I go shopping I make sure I don't go by the baby girl sections because I will start crying or my heart would just start beating so fast. I just want you to hang in there and maybe your dh will agree to try again , I'm trying for a last time if it's a boy again I'll just be done. My mom is already bashing me for having so many kids but doesn't know all the heart ache that I have for not having a daughter . Your boys are so lovely . Be strong and think positive and also pray about it. Hopefully we get our girl one day.

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