there no words to express how i feel............

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Originally Posted by Complex Emotions

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.

At the same time, I also think it's true that my life would be "richer" in a really special way with a daughter, it would be a resonant, life changing thing that I would profoundly enjoy and grow from. So that's there too.

In short, there's a valid sense of a significant loss I'd experience in never having a daughter, but it's being exaggerated due to something in how my mind works. And I'm also not fully capable of appreciating how much a second boy might add to our family.

Those people who have a baby of the gender they're dreaming of, their GD is dead... but who knows what happens next in their lives? Maybe something else comes to take it's place.

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As always CE, you write so eloquently and so clearly to get the point across <3

And you're absolutely right -- I have been toying with that thought myself, since baby and Buro's sways have ignited my super intense GD again along with anxiety. Hell, anytime I see ANYONE pregnant now, I'm burning with the desire to "hurry up and get my boy."

But I've also thought that too: what happens if I get my boy? What comes next? Another boy? Maybe a boy and a girl for a perfect spread of 4 kids?

My whole life has been an obsessive drive. It went from the desire to control my life so much (when I was suffering with physical and sexual abuse as a child) to obsessive over getting my body to pretty much disappear with my eating disorder. My ED tendencies are so, so obsessive...

And I made the realization with my therapist the other day, that for the first time since I can remember, food/body issues aren't my driving force... it's literally been replaced with, "I need to have a boy. What can I do to have a boy."

And I say all this, too, after HOURS spent this morning spent researching weight percentiles because I was so concerned about my DD's weight at her 4 month appointment being low (when even my pediatrician was telling me to chill out, there was nothing to worry about; and her height percentile is high, so it's not that's she's not growing, either).

Look at me! My obsession with numbers and goals is already being transferred onto my daughter, since I'm now obsessed with her gaining more weight :( I'm obsessed with having a boy so much that I can't even bare to look around the pediatrician's waiting room because it's filled with BOYS. I'm going on nearly a year now of constantly asking people how close in age their kids are, ESPECIALLY if they had a boy coming after a girl, because I still need to have one... now!

I don't think that lifelong path of obsessive tendencies is going to disappear with my dream son. But, I've also already thought, "Well, after him I can go back to obsessing over my body..."

There might just be no winning for some of us. But at least our desired gender would help :/

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Originally Posted by Throwaway_panther

...There might just be no winning for some of us...

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Yes and no. :wink:

I mean, yes, over all these years there's usually something still driving my mind. But the good news is that the older we get the more we can recognize this pattern and can (at least on good days) understand that it's all some kind of an illusion. I mean, the things I obsessed over in my teens and twenties are pretty much dead to me now, so doesn't it make sense to believe that the things I'm stuck on now are going to die too, one way or another?

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Originally Posted by sigrid86

Oh Atomic, I'm sorry didn't knew about that. I saw that in another thread and thought it maybe was a good quote for baby; I hoped that this would make her see that she isn't the only one and that maybe this story would be an inspiration and would change her perspective.
But I'm very glad that she has a rich and full life :)

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No not at all, I just know that she would not want to only be thought of as the person who wrote that so many years ago. :) I know she would be very happy if it helped people in some way.

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Originally Posted by Complex Emotions

Yes and no. :wink:

I mean, yes, over all these years there's usually something still driving my mind. But the good news is that the older we get the more we can recognize this pattern and can (at least on good days) understand that it's all some kind of an illusion. I mean, the things I obsessed over in my teens and twenties are pretty much dead to me now, so doesn't it make sense to believe that the things I'm stuck on now are going to die too, one way or another?

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I promise you guys, you CAN overcome this over time. I know whereof I speak, my 20's were pretty much ruined by anxiety and "hamster wheel" thinking and then my 30's were better but not THAT much better, culminating in GD at the end of the decade, but it's just BETTER now. In fact, I will admit sometimes I MISS being that person, even though I know it's better for everyone involved, I just got so darn much more done back then. :)

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Originally Posted by Complex Emotions

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.

At the same time, I also think it's true that my life would be "richer" in a really special way with a daughter, it would be a resonant, life changing thing that I would profoundly enjoy and grow from. So that's there too.

In short, there's a valid sense of a significant loss I'd experience in never having a daughter, but it's being exaggerated due to something in how my mind works. And I'm also not fully capable of appreciating how much a second boy might add to our family.

Those people who have a baby of the gender they're dreaming of, their GD is dead... but who knows what happens next in their lives? Maybe something else comes to take it's place.

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Re GD being dead - yes, and no. For some people it does, others become then obsessed with having a sister or some other thing entirely just like you say. And at the same time I see other people who never got their DG, even some with unbelievably bad GD, just pick up at some point and be fine with these rich and full lives that honestly I get jealous of at times. I wonder sometimes (while I"d never trade them) if I had not had my 4th son and/or daughter, I'd be doing something other than listening to an intense swordfight in my ear right now. I'd have an 8 year old son or an 8 year old and 6 year old and things might be a lot easier. My husband and I qould be probably having a lot more fun with each other and my adult sons too. That wouldn't have been a horrible sad ending. I"m sure I would have found peace with that. Peace is something I do NOT have now, if that makes sense.

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Originally Posted by baby2016baby

Hi pink where are you?? I am having the exact same problem in the UK. It's either never talked about, or it's something that they hear about but try to keep away from. My councillor had tried to blame several factors for my extreme gender dissapointment always skirting around the actual issue. Even though I have never had any mental health problems until this so no doubt to me the antagonist. I do think they hear of it but they beleive it's a small factor within a bigger picture. I'm sorry they are not being supportive. If ever you want to rant or get anything off your cheast feel free to pm me. I've found advice a support on here (from some people!) Much more valuable than my gp, councillor or anyone irl. I won't judge be it you 1st or 10th gd xxcx

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Yes also in UK. Really frustrating! I KNOW lots of people suffer GD so why is my counsellor acting like it's totally alien? And yes, why do they act like our real problem must lie elsewhere, when no it doesn't!!

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Originally Posted by Complex Emotions

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.
.

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Totally agree with this. Have re-read it many times and it really resonates. I certainly suffer from repetitive thoughts and feelings ..that DO pass over time...only to be replaced with other obsessions.

"This too shall pass"


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