Originally Posted by
Throwaway_panther
I haven't read the other responses yet, but my reasons are sort of heavy and complex, haha, but I've alluded to them elsewhere on here.
First and foremost, I wanted a boy because I feared bringing a girl into the world. I have a long, tired road of sexual abuse in my past, including as a child, and I had a lot of anxieties stemming from that -- "I couldn't protect myself, so how I could protect a daughter?" sort of thoughts. I know firsthand what it's like to be paid less, have the law apply to me less, to have my mind and person valued less, to be treated as less than; to be objectified. Now, not wanting a daughter played into my feelings there -- am I hypocrite to so desperately not want a girl, therefore valuing a girl less? But I worked through a lot of those issues in therapy, and that's partially why I was anxious in the first place: having a girl forced me to process a lot of things I hadn't processed yet, including the root of my PTSD.
Coupled with that came the flip side: I want to bring a boy into the world and raise him to be a power for good. Allies are important -- having a man grow up to value women as people, to view them as equal, to stand up against other men when they do the things they've done for millennia? Even on a micro level to just be a good person to any future partner (female or male)? That's heady, and that's something I feel a deep purpose to do.
So those were the big ones: an interplay of anxiety, fear and power and all the sides that come with that. On a baser level, I wanted a boy for myself -- having had all those issues, and even the pain that's come from moments with my husband, I wanted a male that wouldn't hurt me like this. And I know a son can hurt me -- from the physical parts of labor to the reality of children hurting their parents with words or tantrums, I know it. But not sexually, not in a power move stemming from patriarchal superiority; I'd have a boy, and then a man (and ideally more than one) love me without also hurting me in those ways.
And intertwined with that? I'm a ****** boy mom. Boys love me. Little boys have been glomping on to me since I was a 13 year old babysitter. I just have a way with boys (and granted, I do have a way with all children -- I taught for many years because of it). I always yearned for children because of this affinity for kids, but it was always missing the last bit of BEING an actual parent. I've had part of that fulfilled with my daughter, but my son would be the last piece.
There's even more to all of it than this -- and sometimes, at my weakest, just the competitive/ambitious nature where I HAVE to have it all, and I won't rest until I'm satisfied (which is often never) -- but those were the ones definitely taking over my life during my pregnancy.
ETA: I read Buro & atomic's responses, and I did have that element, too (so as you can see, I had a heavily stacked preference for a boy -- or all boys, honestly; I even thought, prior to my first pregnancy, that I'd be okay with a girl eventually, but if I had a boy first I would feel like I could relax and not care with whatever came next. Now, no pregnancy until I have my boy will ever be without anxiety). I felt really, really unlikable as a kid -- part of that stemmed from the abuse from my own family. I had lots of friends that were boys, too, though I've always had some form of female companionship and have really learned that the "girls are harder" or "I don't like girls" is much more an internalized misogyny than an actual issue with women; hell, having a kid period has made me feel much more pro-woman than ever before, haha.
But anyway, outside of those digressions -- because I felt like a very ugly, unlikeable kid and had for a long time thought that's why I was abused for so long, I feared the same happening to my DD. I feared she'd be like me, and in turn have the same things happen to her. It's quite a twist of fate that she ended up being completely opposite of me -- this blue eyed beautiful baby who literally stops foot traffic and who looks nothing like me, haha. She's everything I'm not, and I feel like that was extra helpful in me getting over any GD that might have applied to her.
If I get a son like me, I'd feel differently. Alot of my qualities are also not typically "feminine," outside of my body -- which is where I've gotten a lot of issues too. The women in my husband's family are more athletic, less traditionally feminine bodies, and I'm hoping my daughter doesn't have the same issues with larger breasts and an hourglass figure being a beacon to men as it has been for me. But my ambition, loudness, anger, intelligence -- even my sense of humor -- would all have been more successful in a man, I feel.
