Originally Posted by
ABC.2606
Kitten - Like Pbn I’ve been trying to think about how to respond to you as well and like Pbn, prepare for my novel… cuz as it turns out I do have lot of thoughts on this subject!
So, the "practical" side of me worries – what if she does have a 4th and it’s a boy… can she survive the GD again? Honestly – I was SO worried about you after you found out DS3 was a boy and disappeared from here for awhile. And believe me – I’m not judging you at all for staying away and I totally understand why you did!! You had to go through a process to work through the news - a quite beautiful process it sounded like, as you told us about the time you spent bonding and reconnecting with your boys. But I just want you to be OK and happy and hate to think about you having to go through GD again. But maybe that’s where going Team Green may be the best choice for you if you do have another, so that you can at least try to focus your energy on enjoying the pregnancy and if it is a boy, you wont know that until you’re holding him and already madly in love with his sweet little face!
Here’s where the “non-practical” side of my thinking comes from… Exactly 1 year ago at this time I was in the middle of a horribly depressing period of my life. I’d just had my 3rd miscarriage in less than a year – the “missed miscarriage”, the one that I had to have a D&C to remove. To this day I remain convinced that baby was a little girl. At that time I was sending PM’s on here to Pbn and Mommy2Apples (they were a HUGE support to me during that period and I remain forever grateful to them for it) about how depressed I was and how I couldn’t keep trying anymore. I’d pretty much lost hope that not only would I never have my DD, I would never even have another child period. I drank a lot of alcohol that month. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was very, very close to giving up TTC completely, and yet, I still didn’t know how on Earth I could give up on my dream of a daughter. To sum it up, March 2018 really, really sucked.
Exactly one year later and I’m here snuggling my beautiful daughter and my “bonus” DS3. Never in a thousand years would I have imagined last March that one year later I would have two perfect, healthy twins, and that one of them would be the little DD I was so obsessed with meeting. Nor did I know that I could love another DS as much as I love DS3. His big, beautiful almond eyes have me completely hooked!
So all that is to say… I don’t blame you, and I will encourage and cheer you on 100% if you decide to throw out what’s “practical” and hold steadfast to your dream of finding your DD. Because you have every right and every reason to believe that she is still out there and waiting, and that one day, soon hopefully, you’ll be holding her in your arms. In the midst of my darkest, most hopeless moments last March, somewhere deep inside there was still that tiny hope that I’d find her – my sweet Miss E �� If you still feel that tiny but powerful hope deep inside that she is there and waiting for you to find her, then don’t give up. Keep fighting to find her.
Ok that’s really sappy I know but it’s what I feel. Dreams are powerful and we have to fight for them with all we have. And if you do get another DS, ultimately, I know you will be ok because I’ve interacted with you enough to know that you are an amazing mother and that you really, really LOVE your kids. You will love another little boy if that is what happens (and how could you not? You guys make the most gorgeous little boys!!! Seriously!).
Now more to the practical again… As far as 4 kids, I’m 2 months into that (we had only planned on a MAX of 3!) and yea it’s HARD. Our house constantly feels like it’s in chaos. No, I wouldn’t change it, but it’s definitely a lot of work and I do feel guilty a lot because I don’t feel like I can meet each of my kids’ needs right now. Each of my kids (even the two babies) have specific issues and things I need to focus time on addressing and I just feel already like I’m struggling with doing that. DS1’s academic struggles, DS2’s temper/behavior issues, getting the babies on a healthy schedule, some very minor health-related things with DS3, etc. etc. We're still trying to get into a groove. I’m exhausted to the point of sometimes being angry and short-tempered. And the craziest thing is I’ve also struggled a lot since the twins were born with knowing that we are “done” now. We only wanted 3 and I thought when #3 AND #4 popped out I would feel done and yet I’ve really struggled knowing the reproductive stage of my life is over. Like Pbn said it’s like the more kids I have the more I want!! �� But given that I had life threatening complications with my last two deliveries (two post-partum hemorrhages requiring blood transfusions), it’s just too risky to have more…. In addition to all the other reasons I know we need to stop! So as crazy as 4 is, overall I do love having a lot of kids and would have more if I could!
And here’s one other thing that I just want to put out there too… while I love DD with every ounce of my being, her being here hasn’t made life “perfect”. I still struggle with things, I still cry, I still have REALLY hard days. While that probably seems obvious, I say it because I think I really did convince myself before I had her that if I could just get her everything would be perfect. And I know Atomic has warned on here that that doesn’t happen, and like always, she is right. My life IS better with her, but it’s still hard and certainly not perfect. I guess I just say all that as a warning because I think a lot of us on GD get into that trap of “if I could just get my desired gender everything will fall into place”, but, I think for the vast majority if not all of us, that just isn't the case!
As far as your sway… I agree with what others have said. My first thought in reading your post is that I think possibly one of the factors that worked against you is that you swayed for so long before and I know that atomic has said things on here that perhaps long sways are maybe not as effective because your body gets too used to all the changes and as you said the effects just wear off. I have often wondered if that’s why I still ended up with a boy twin after hard swaying for more than a year and with 3 miscarriages. I’d suggest doing a short sway, even starting to TTC after maybe 8-10 weeks, so that your body really is “in shock” from a change in nutrient levels, etc. Definitely 1 attempt rather than E4D if you can (I think you guys have a history of getting pregnant pretty fast, if I recall?). With our twins not only did we do only 1 unprotected BD that entire cycle, DH released like 24 hours before our attempt and I did J&D after like 5 minutes. We did a ton to try to limit how much sperm was in me and we STILL got two babies and one of them was a boy - LOL!! Clomid for sure… but be forewarned the twin risk is real!!! ��And you do have # of pregnancies and age to increase that risk!! Did you do the regular LE diet before? The PCOS version is great because I think cutting out sugar really does help improve your insulin response which is good for swaying pink. I lost weight SO easily doing the PCOS diet and I’m someone who has always struggled to lose weight! You'll be amazing if you do PCOS how easily the lbs melt off! I keep trying to convince myself now to go back on that diet just to lose all the baby weight I gained with the twins! Unfortunately my motivation is not as strong now as it was when I was trying to get my DD!!
OK... novel done :) Do what's in your heart, kitten - no regrets. We are as always going to be here to support you!! And the great thing is that while you're trying to figure all this out, you've got that sweet perfect little boy to snuggle with :) Baby snuggles are seriously one of the best things ever!
