Roll on christmas - am feeling so down
Sorry to be so self indulgent as to make my own post to have moan but i need to let my feelings out, please free to ignore me - i just need to vent.
I am feeling so down with this pregnancy and cross at everything especially myself for getting pregnant again as i knew i would be in this position. I want a daughter so badly its consuming me and i cannot bear the thought of going through life without one. I don't even know why we bothered swaying as i really don't think it will work for me and all the opposites some of the lovely ladies have had lately have just hammered this home. The sex of this baby is all i think about, its all i dream about (if i can sleep) and its taken such a hold of me since i've gotten pregnant (i was reasonably sane before all of it - at least as much as you can be with 3 kids and very happy with my family). I thought i was fine with another boy but i'm not i feel like throwing a tantrum as it so not fair, hundreds of women get little girls every day and there is nothing i can do about something that means so much to me (ht is not an option for us due to costs and the chances of it working are slim so even if we could afford one shot we might as well just throw the money away, adoption also isn't - believe me i have looked into it). I feel so stuck and so angry about that.
I really don't want my feelings to affect my beautiful boys, they are my world and i want them to be happy but my last pregnancy i suffered such bad gd when i heard boy i was almost verging on depressed for weeks and went through a short time period (albeit about an hour) where i felt angry towards my own gorgeous boys. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel if the worst happens as i love my littlest boy so much and we got through it but the sadness at not having a little doesn't fade (even though the disappointment at boy does). It makes it worse this time as none of our family want us to have a fourth and i know we will get horrible comments about a fourth boy (although they would love a girl so would forget the no fourth child thing).
Work is really hard at the moment to, i'm doing a new job on trial and its so hard with being pregnant to and its making my other long term illness flair up and me quite poorly. So all in all i feeling so miserable and sorry for myself and the thought of being in this limbo for weeks to come seems almost unbearable, my chances for a girl are slim to none so how do i accept this little boy and move on and get ready to fight for him to my family now, without spending months fighting gd to.
It felt like when we swaying the theories made sense and i had a good chance and i am normally quite a positive person so hoped it would work and i'd be one of the lucky ones. The minute i got my bfp it felt like my chance at a daughter had been taken away from me and its got worse since then. There is no-one i can talk to in real life, no-one knows i'm pregnant and i'm to embraced to admit it to anyone as i know we'll get the four kids comments and the boy comments and negative reactions off our family and i'm not strong enough to deal with that. Just once i would love to go i'm pregnant and have my mom be pleased (for one reason or another she hasn't wanted any of the kids although they are her world now) but i know all i will get is initial anger (we borrowed some money off her when we brought our house and although it was mean't to be a long term loan she'd get back at retirement age (as in another 5 to 10 years from now) she's got funny about it over the last few years and wants it now, which is not an option at the moment and she feels another baby would push this back by another couple of years, although on the other hand its not what we agreed and i can't put my life on hold either we have given her what we can back and times ticking for us to keep age gaps close with our kids)
I missed so much of my last pregnancy to gd and my sons first few months so sadness and worry (as we nearly lost our beautiful ds2 shortly after ds3 was born and it hit me so hard for months, i was so scared i would loose one of my boys i forgot to enjoy them). I really want to be over this as its my last pregnancy, i want to enjoy it. I have nothing positive at the moment except my beautiful boys (which i thank god for every day as they are my world and my reason for being), work is hard, i feel ill, dh doesn't understand and am trying so hard to be grateful for what i have but am struggling. And as stupid as it sounds i'm also worried on the off chance i get my hearts desire that something horrible would happen to one of kids as no-one should be that happy (i would rather go my whole life with a little sadness than risk anything happening to them). Oh gosh its official i am a crazy person - stupid pregnancy hormones
Anyway sorry for the moan if anyone is still reading my little sob fest and roll on christmas; its such a big thing in my family and i get as excited as the kids so am sure it will take my mind of whatever other stuff is going on!