"4th time lucky, hey?"

Uuugh.

I have been surprised actually at how few totally insensitive comments I have had when announcing this pregnancy... there have been a few and definitely lots of "hoping for a girl" comments, but generally it has been more tolerable than I thought it might be. I had one person though who I was absolutely dreading telling as she has a history of making really insenstive comments to me about my kids (such as "Oh well, you can try again" as her first and only comment about me having a miscarriage and "Oh NO! Not another boy!!!" when she first saw DS3). She also acted like I had just grown 6 heads when I told her we were having a third child. She is an all girl mum who doesn't understand boys at all and is always making comments that make me think she thinks my boys are brats when they are just being energetic kids.

Today she was eyeing my stomach and I knew I couldn't hold the news any longer... and as predicted she came straight back at me with stuff that made my blood boil. "We are having another baby" "Oh REALLY? UUUUGGGGHHHH.... wow.... was that planned?" Lots of reassurance about how we are happy and excited, and yes it was planned. She makes a disgusted face towards my boys to indicate that she thinks they are brats and replies "wow.... you are certainly going to have your hands full then. I guess you must hoping for 4th time lucky" She said this in front of my 6.5 year old. 4th time lucky!?! Because the other 3 are just simply bad luck? I have NEVER alluded to any gender desire to her whatsoever. I bristled and told her that we always wanted a big family and were happy with whatever we got, to which she replies (with a laugh) "yeah, sure you are... that's what they all say. Well, good luck with that then".

Agggh! Some people!

She sounds delightful...not. She needs to learn some social skills! Sorry you had to deal with her comments.

I didn't announce this pregnancy till I was 17 weeks (even to family) cause I just didn't want to hear it. I can not believe how many people have said to me, you must want a girl, or going for the girl, or mentioning gender way before anything like congratulations. One asked me if I was going to get depressed if it was a boy... makes me sad people think I value my boys so little :(

Yeah it seems that this is one area where people really dont see a need for boundaries ... which is bizzare. If they could refrain from the comments in front of my sons at least I would be happier. My 6 year old is a very big thinker, he ponders over everything he hears and internalises it all. Each time we mention the baby he says "and it really has to be a girl this time, because you (me) really want a girl and you have for a long time". I honestly dont think I have ever said anything to him about me wanting a girl, and I am careful he doesn't overhear me saying anything either. I think it is because he has heard soooo many "you must really want a girl / 4th time lucky" type comments in his little life he has internalised it. Sad.

Big hugs, people are so insensitive. I think that was one of the things that made my gd so bad this time, the "oh no, another boy?!" comments just got too much. You feel like such a failure, or like you're doing something wrong when in reality what is more wonderful than welcoming another little person into the world.

It is actually a big thing that puts me off having a 4th after this one, even though my dh has always wanted 4. Try and ignore them hun, I know it is easier said then done but you know in your heart that all of your children are truly wanted and loved regardless of gender. xxxx

God it really amazes me the rude things people say and lets not dress it up by saying they are not thinking, it is just rude to say things like that. I am raging for you.

I guess I must be luck that living in Ireland my parents and inlaws came from families of 8 children and this was not unusual for their generation so even though people are now having less children 3 would not be seen as that many here and we had never imagined having less than three so the comments didn't fly around as much. I did have a few about wanting a girl on ds2 but dh and I really wanted another boy as we never planned to have only 2 and prayed we'd have two boys close together so it rolled off me. If I had really wanted a girl though I think it may have really stung.

People seem to need to have an opinion on others private lives. Why is that? What is wrong with a simple "congratulations I am thrilled for you" and leave it at that.

I don't know why everyone feels that other people's families are up for public scrutiny. I really think most people say the first thing that pops into their head without thinking or they innocently just say anything to fill the void without thinking of the insensitive nature of their comments, but this person sounds like a real nasty piece of work and unfortunately there are a few people like that out there too.

HWP, you need to think of some really good comments to say back to this rude woman. It does not sound as though she is the most reasonable person going around, but I would make it very clear that you think she is rude and she may not desist from making future comments but at least you might feel better. Perhaps something like "It is just as well I got the boys in the family and not you, you clearly have an issue with boys, seeing as you just inferred they were bad luck. It is a shame that you cannot be happy for us, given how genuinely happy and excited we are. I really don't care for your thoughts or your comments, but I would ask you refrain from making such inappropriate remarks in front of my beautiful sons, they don't deserve to be the target of your anti boy insecurities".

Truly, I don't think this woman deserves nice responses. I think you should lay it out for her black-and-white. She is not just "not thinking" or "talking to talk." She is making purposefully hurtful comments about your children and the fact that they are boys. I really despise parents like that, who think that their own children are the most fantastic things on earth and everyone else's are brats, especially when it is gender-related.

I would flat-out say "Actually we are really hoping to get lucky AGAIN this time, our boys have been such a blessing and we really would feel so grateful to have another just like them." That way, it's not lying about gender desire (you didn't overtly say you wanted a BOY like your boys, but a girl can be "just like them") but are making it very clear that you adore your family just how it is. With this new addition.

And her last comment...I don't even know how to take that. She either has a massive "girls are superior" complex...or some GD herself for not having a boy. Based on other comments, I am thinking the former, which makes me hate her for you. I would limit my contact with this woman period. She sounds nasty.

I can handle the "rude but harmless" comments pretty well. By people who don't really think before they speak. But intentional barbs like those....not handling it so well.

It sounds to me that this is her way of communicating - very confrontational and in this case just plain mean. I'm sure she's hurt quite a few people with her comments throughout the years! She must have some sort of problem with being empathetic towards other people. I'm sorry you have such a woman to deal with! :bighug:

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Originally Posted by hotdogz&boyz

I can handle the "rude but harmless" comments pretty well. By people who don't really think before they speak. But intentional barbs like those....not handling it so well.

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I agree and it is usually not hard to spot the difference between the "making conversation without thinking" remarks and the deliberately hurtful ones. This woman is clearly being deliberately hurtful.

I also think she may also have some GD issues of her own to deal with and may be putting down HWP and her boys as a coping mechanism for her own bitterness. I think she wants a boy herself but makes out like they are the worst thing in the world so she appears as though she got the perfect life/family she wanted and isn't missing out. If people want to go out of their way to be hurtful to me, that is one thing but saying it in front of the boys is simply disgusting. Maybe instead of saying how rude she is, HWP should just say "Hmmmm jealous much?"