Are you going to try for that boy?

I also have a similar thread on ig.

I just cannot take it any more. Today at the preschool a little girl said she wants a playdate with my dd so me the nice person that I am told the little girl I will talk to your Mommy.

So I had some small talk with the mother and I proudly said "I have 3 girls". Then she said 3 girls and I said "Yes". She had told me she also had an older son home and another older son. I did not comment to that. Then I said they are 8, 4 and 8 months. So then she said "are you done". I said "I do not know". Then she said "are you going to try for that boy"? So then I said "I am done". I said it very politely. I had my dd running around standing near the window and acting a bit wild being I was talking to somebody else.

Tomorrow when she goes on to try to push this playdate. I will not be so nice. I am going to say "I am sorry, but I am super busy with 3 small ones, but thanks so much". Why the heck should I care when they do not care when they say these things?

But anyway how do you answer these comments

Are you done? Are you going to try for that boy?

instead of saying

god bless you. You have 3 beautfiul health girls.

I would never, ever in a million years tell these people that I may try for pgd.

Even if I had a boy I would still take offense to these comments of having 3 of the same.

How can I take it just being out of curiousity. Are you going to try for that boy? How can you not get mad by that or irritated by it? How?

The thing is I get it all the time so are all these people just morons or is it me?

I honestly think people just don't know what to say, society thinks we should all have one boy and one girl and anything that varies from that draws attention.

You know I am a mom of 3 girls and was for 8 years. So, BTDT. Nothing I said to any parent, stranger, old lady, cashier, checkout clerk, etc ever made me feel any better. It was something that I figured out that I had to make peace with myself before I could move past someone's comments.

Having said that, if you want to get your point across, silence the offender and nip it, when someone says that to you, I would respond with something like "When you ask me if I am going to try for a boy, it sounds like you think there is something wrong with the 3 beautiful children that I have and they are not good enough. I can look you in your eyes and tell you that they are good enough for us and when you ask me that question, it is hurtful because you make an assumption that what we are is not okay."

That ought to have them backpeddling until they hit a wall.

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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

I honestly think people just don't know what to say, society thinks we should all have one boy and one girl and anything that varies from that draws attention.

You know I am a mom of 3 girls and was for 8 years. So, BTDT. Nothing I said to any parent, stranger, old lady, cashier, checkout clerk, etc ever made me feel any better. It was something that I figured out that I had to make peace with myself before I could move past someone's comments.

Having said that, if you want to get your point across, silence the offender and nip it, when someone says that to you, I would respond with something like "When you ask me if I am going to try for a boy, it sounds like you think there is something wrong with the 3 beautiful children that I have and they are not good enough. I can look you in your eyes and tell you that they are good enough for us and when you ask me that question, it is hurtful because you make an assumption that what we are is not okay."

That ought to have them backpeddling until they hit a wall.

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But should I say something like that at the preschool? Then does it make me look like I am the oversensitive person?

It is just like I disassociate myself with just so many mothers at the preschool because every time I say that I have 3 girls, I have to get something a--anin- said to me.

I even got "oh your husband will force you to try for that boy".

Like one grandmother I stay with just said "oh you have 1 boy" with an accent being her English is not good, but it was not so offensive like the other mothers said.

I am trying to now present it and say it proud like "I have 3 girls". And that is just not working. I find myself coming home being angry.

When you have say 3 or 4 of one gender then an opposite, does it shut people up, or do they still have dumb things to say?

Thanks so much.

They still make comments. It's just not the same sting because I have a boy too now. I could certainly let it bother me and I do not know if I would have been able to totally get to a point where it didn't bother me had I not had him but I don't think people that make comments are intentionally trying to hurt me. Most just can't relate, have never been in my shoes, and they say the first thing that comes to mind.

I think telling them that you hear that a lot and it's hard not to get your feelings hurt or that you don't really know how to respond to that question when people say that is totally fine to say. You can smile when you say it!

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense?? :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense?? :p

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That is very well put. Yes, I totally agree that each of my girls is different and I don't have expectations like I now DO for my DS. God help him. I have already mapped out his entire life:oops:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense?? :p

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Hi Atomic,

Yes it makes sense. You always post such wonderful things and are so helpful and nice. Really.

And I understand what you are saying about even if you say something snippy, it does not always make you feel better. I guess it has to come within. With me, it does not though. At least not now.

I usually say something honest back. Like "I wish it was that easy to just try again and end up with a boy, but with my luck I'd just have another girl." Because I really do want a boy, and I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with my 4 girls. I mean I am happy with them, but I still want a boy in our family. If they offended me I let them know, but not in a mean snippy way. Just like "yeah I wanted a boy all along, but this is what I've ended up with."

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Originally Posted by NYFamilyOfFiveRoses

Hi Atomic,

Yes it makes sense. You always post such wonderful things and are so helpful and nice. Really.

And I understand what you are saying about even if you say something snippy, it does not always make you feel better. I guess it has to come within. With me, it does not though. At least not now.

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There's nothing wrong with that, NY. I didn't start accepting things until after I had a cancelled cycle and then after my BFN. Not until then did I start to feel like, pkay, if this is it, I need to find something to do. I think part of my problem was all the focus I had put on my kids, how I had let them define me- I used to be someone before I had kids, believe it or not! I remember looking at my DH once when we were in the middle of an argument about my state of mind at some point and I said aloud- This is not ME. This is not who I am, who I was. This is what I am right now when nothing I do is ABOUT me. It's not forever, it is what it is, but that is what it was like for me at that point. Nothing in my life was about me- but that's what happens when you have kids and you pour everything in to them. It doesn't have to be though. I love my kids more than myself but I have to have something in my life that is about me too.

I started to realize all of this with the BFN of all things. I knew I did have the FET coming up and my perspective now is obviously different since I have my son, and I speak from that point of view which is biased, but I did start to find some peace going through the IVF process and finding it difficult to manage and forcing myself to look beyond what was right now and find something that I wanted to do.

It takes time though and you may never move past the feeling of longing, feeling that there has been a loss, even a death but it's not something that just happens overnight and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lilac♥

I usually say something honest back. Like "I wish it was that easy to just try again and end up with a boy, but with my luck I'd just have another girl." Because I really do want a boy, and I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with my 4 girls. I mean I am happy with them, but I still want a boy in our family. If they offended me I let them know, but not in a mean snippy way. Just like "yeah I wanted a boy all along, but this is what I've ended up with."

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But being honest, you do not feel that you are giving them the satisfaction that you are not happy? And do you feel comfortable telling people you do not really know that? See I am not. I never want to give them the satisfaction to tell them that I am not happy. Like I feel who are they to get into my inner feelings about myself. You are brave. I would only admit my true feeling here on the forums or to my people I consider very, very close.

After you tell them what you said above, do you feel worse or better?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NYFamilyOfFiveRoses

But being honest, you do not feel that you are giving them the satisfaction that you are not happy? And do you feel comfortable telling people you do not really know that? See I am not. I never want to give them the satisfaction to tell them that I am not happy. Like I feel who are they to get into my inner feelings about myself. You are brave. I would only admit my true feeling here on the forums or to my people I consider very, very close.

After you tell them what you said above, do you feel worse or better?

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Well that's just who I am, I'm honest. I know it's actually one thing people don't like about me, because I come across as a pessimist a lot. I'll admit I need to work more on showing when I'm happy just as much as when I'm not. But I don't hide or pretend anything unless it's necessary for good manners sake. I don't like when I know people are being fake. It bugs the crud out of me when people post fake feelings, like about being happy for someone when they aren't or telling someone how cute their ugly baby or kids are. I just choose not to reply.

I don't look at telling the truth as giving anyone satisfaction. Usually when I'm honest it makes people realize that maybe their comments were rude or too personal. Also it makes them realize that GD does exist and they need to be more thoughtful and sensitive. Never once has anyone told me that I'm a bad person for wanting a boy. They don't really feel sorry for me they just wish me luck if there's a next time, and thankfully don't make any more rude comments. They actually often change their tone and say something nice about my family or tell me about someone they know with all girls. I mean I'm not all depressed looking when I'm talking to them, they can see I'm happy and I love my kids and I take good care of them, but that it's just something missing in my life. Most everyone has something missing in their lives that they want that they don't hide. Why hide this from the world? I'm not embarrassed that I want a boy. Now I would never share with them that sometimes my Gender Desire leaks into the Gender Dissapointment realm when I'm pregnant. And that right now I'm worried that when this baby is born, if it's a girl, that I will still wish she was a boy.

Forgot to add- I usually feel kind of upset no matter what when someone brings up us having all girls and no boys with a rude comment. But I always feel better after when I say something honest and get a better reaction from them, than when I just walk away with the rude comment in my head bugging me and wishing I had said something. And it doesn't always have to be completely personal. Something simple like "Having a few of each probably would've been fun too, but this is what we were given. And the girls sure enjoy playing together."

I totally get it. I get that all the time. Honestly, why is it ok for someone to suggest there is something wrong with my family? It's like if I was obese and some random person asked me if I was going to lose weight. But, I have found on my own journey that when pregnant with DS3 and shortly after he was born I was most sensitive to it as I felt that my family was flawed. Now that I have found some peace within myself and I LOVE my 3 boys the comments don't bother me nearly as much. I still want a daughter to complete our family, but I wouldn't trade my 3 boys for the world and letting the comments roll off my shoulders has gotten easier. For the most part I don't think people mean anything when they say it. They are just making small talk and don't realize what a nerve it hits.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lilac♥

Well that's just who I am, I'm honest. I know it's actually one thing people don't like about me, because I come across as a pessimist a lot. I'll admit I need to work more on showing when I'm happy just as much as when I'm not. But I don't hide or pretend anything unless it's necessary for good manners sake. I don't like when I know people are being fake. It bugs the crud out of me when people post fake feelings, like about being happy for someone when they aren't or telling someone how cute their ugly baby or kids are. I just choose not to reply.

I don't look at telling the truth as giving anyone satisfaction. Usually when I'm honest it makes people realize that maybe their comments were rude or too personal. Also it makes them realize that GD does exist and they need to be more thoughtful and sensitive. Never once has anyone told me that I'm a bad person for wanting a boy. They don't really feel sorry for me they just wish me luck if there's a next time, and thankfully don't make any more rude comments. They actually often change their tone and say something nice about my family or tell me about someone they know with all girls. I mean I'm not all depressed looking when I'm talking to them, they can see I'm happy and I love my kids and I take good care of them, but that it's just something missing in my life. Most everyone has something missing in their lives that they want that they don't hide. Why hide this from the world? I'm not embarrassed that I want a boy. Now I would never share with them that sometimes my Gender Desire leaks into the Gender Dissapointment realm when I'm pregnant. And that right now I'm worried that when this baby is born, if it's a girl, that I will still wish she was a boy.

Forgot to add- I usually feel kind of upset no matter what when someone brings up us having all girls and no boys with a rude comment. But I always feel better after when I say something honest and get a better reaction from them, than when I just walk away with the rude comment in my head bugging me and wishing I had said something. And it doesn't always have to be completely personal. Something simple like "Having a few of each probably would've been fun too, but this is what we were given. And the girls sure enjoy playing together."

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I see whatyou are saying. Sometimes I come out and say the truth, but last time I did that I felt worse. I told my friend's sister in law after she said to me oh all girls. All the girls or something like that. Then she told me at her job she told a father that had all boys if there were any more and he told her yes one is at home.

So I told her "I said you know something when I was pregnant, I almost wanted to abort because this was another girl". Then she said "oh you have 3 beautiful girls" Then I said why do most want both. I played dumb. Then she said well usually 1 and 1 or 2 and 1. So I opened my huge big mouth and said that I wanted to try to save for pgd but it does not always work and many have exhausted all their funds on it. Then she said if you want to do it then do it. So after all that I was like "dam why did I tell her all that WHY". But I know her for a lot of years. I know her since my 1st which is 8 years old. So I had too much trouble trying to play it off to her. I was even so shocked that her of all people said that.

But I guess for me I just can never come out and say my true inner feelings to say people at the preschool, public school or in stores etc. So I usually say like last time "I am done". Or "we went into it knowing it can be a boy or a girl". "we are very happy". And this is the truth that I always say "my husband is fine with all girls". Really my husband would be happy with 5 girls. But I am telling you that I am the one with the GD because I wanted a boy from #1.

So like that episode at the school when the mom told me "Oh are you going to try for that girl". I really wanted to say f-c- you. Or what business is it of yours. I guess it is also the feeling I get of the person saying it. This particular mother I do not like. I saw her another time at the Thanksgiving show and she came across obnoxious.

Like for instance the grandmother that I hang out with that speaks little English said to me "Oh one boy for you". I just smiled at her and said "we are happy and I giggled".

When her daughter asked me at my daughter's party "oh will you try for a boy". With her I said I do not think so then I said to her "I may try for another when I am 40 years old". But with her I just got that feeling that she was asking in a curious way not a competitive or vicous sought of way. So it also depends who it is coming from and if I know them good or how the tone of voice is etc. I try to make my best judgement when I answer back.

I think next time I am going to try to just "not answer" and ignore. Like one person said silence is a killer.

Hope I did not ramble too much and I really enjoy talking with you and others on how you handle the situation. It makes me see things from different sought of perspectives.

Your girls much be beautiful. Are you pregnant now? Good luck to you.

These types of comments always grate on my nerves. DD is now 6 months old and I just had a stranger ask me, "so did you just get pg and have a 3rd only to get a girl ?". Um, you dumb ass, that is exactly what I did, I walked into the local walmart and placed my order for her so I would be certain she would in fact be a girl and then waited for her to come in the mail!! Yeah, I knew before hand she would be a girl so that is the only reason I got pg.....Some people are just so freaking stupid and ignorant!! These kinds of comments really strike a nerve in me, especially since it took 14 months to get pg naturally combined with the disastrous failure I was at high tech. Having a 3rd child period was the biggest blessing to me.

I also wanted to add that I think you have a lovely family and that people just don't stop and think before speaking.

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Originally Posted by prettyinpink18

These types of comments always grate on my nerves. DD is now 6 months old and I just had a stranger ask me, "so did you just get pg and have a 3rd only to get a girl ?". Um, you dumb ass, that is exactly what I did, I walked into the local walmart and placed my order for her so I would be certain she would in fact be a girl and then waited for her to come in the mail!! Yeah, I knew before hand she would be a girl so that is the only reason I got pg.....Some people are just so freaking stupid and ignorant!! These kinds of comments really strike a nerve in me, especially since it took 14 months to get pg naturally combined with the disastrous failure I was at high tech. Having a 3rd child period was the biggest blessing to me.

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Thanks so much. I love what you said about putting the order in in Walmart. I would definately use that one if I had a boy. A Mom at the school is expecting a son after 2 daughter's and she told me that her family said "Oh finally". I even heard another Mom comment to her and say "finally a boy". I mean WTF? This same Mom said to me "oh are you going to try for the boy". So I think it is how that person is and even without those comments I would realize that I do not like that person for other reasons either.

Like one lady said to me "God bless you". And I knew that she was genuinely just a nice person.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by prettyinpink18

I also wanted to add that I think you have a lovely family and that people just don't stop and think before speaking.

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Thanks so much. SWeet!!!!! You have a GrEaT FAmilY yourself!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm the same as you. My husband would be happy with 5 girls. But I have wanted a boy from my 1st.

I am pregnant right now, due in July. Will find out on Valentine's Day what I'm having.

My biggest pet peeve on my due date forum is people saying "I finally got my boy!" or "I hope I finally get my boy!" And I'm like "Finally huh, just how many girls do you have, oh only 1 or 2? You have no idea!" I just get jealous and feel like they don't deserve to have a boy when I've had more kids and have been waiting longer!

I agree totally that it is how they say it that matters. Some people are jerks and they mean to be jerks. Some people say stuff because they really DO want it for you and actually understand and are on your side. It's a very different feeling.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I agree totally that it is how they say it that matters. Some people are jerks and they mean to be jerks. Some people say stuff because they really DO want it for you and actually understand and are on your side. It's a very different feeling.

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Yes, definately. Today I went to my Dr. and saw my old babysitter and she knew that I had a 3rd daughter. She just said 3 girls and not in a mean way at all. So the tone definately matters.

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Originally Posted by Lilac♥

I'm the same as you. My husband would be happy with 5 girls. But I have wanted a boy from my 1st.

I am pregnant right now, due in July. Will find out on Valentine's Day what I'm having.

My biggest pet peeve on my due date forum is people saying "I finally got my boy!" or "I hope I finally get my boy!" And I'm like "Finally huh, just how many girls do you have, oh only 1 or 2? You have no idea!" I just get jealous and feel like they don't deserve to have a boy when I've had more kids and have been waiting longer!

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I think this comment was a little harsh, as you yourself said you wanted a boy from the 1st. I have 2 girls myself & would love a boy next & I would never say that some women dont deserve what they want regardless of 1,2,3,4 of the same gender.

It's so interesting to hear other people's experiences with comments, particularly those with all girls. It's strange to me because, while I wouldn't say something like that to anyone regarding gender, I ESPECIALLY wouldn't say it to a woman with all girls. Mainly becuase I'm jealous of that person! LOL

I teach preschool and I see 2 and 3 girl families and I'm completely envious! We have a set of adorable twin girls (3 years old) and they have a 2 year old sister. When I see those 3 sisters together I just can't help but envy the mom. How absolutely FUN to have 3 little girls!!!

But, who knows, maybe she feels that way about me and my 2 boys. I doubt it, but maybe. Haha ;)

But anyway, yes, i get comments too and I hate it. People also like to tell me that I won't ever have a girl and I'm destined for all boys. Pisses me off to no end. :/

Funny I took my daughter to the Lemon Tree to get her haircut and there are senior citizens that sit in there waiting for the main hairdressor to get a ride home.

I was so shocked that that is all they were talking about was grandchildren and boys and girls. They even have their comments.

One hairdressor told her customer that her daughter is having another baby and she gets another grandchild. She told the lady that it is a 3rd boy. Then someone else went on to say how she would love to have a girl they bet. Then she said "oh no she likes all boys and they grow up together". Or something like that. I was sidetracked because I had my daughter with me getting bored waiting.

But for me, I feel no matter where you go it is so hard to get away from the comments.

I had mentioned that I stopped going to a thrift store that I love because a lady in there is so chatty and I am not in the mood. It is a small store and it is too hard to not talk and I know she will tough the sensitive topic on me about trying again etc.

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Originally Posted by NYFamilyOfFiveRoses

When you have say 3 or 4 of one gender then an opposite, does it shut people up, or do they still have dumb things to say?

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people will always make rude comments i've come to realize:(

Edit: I just realized i already posted in this thread! Weird i totally forgot!!

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As a mom of boys, for some ignorant reason I never thought moms of all girls would have GD or even be upset! I guess that's because I always wanted girls. :) I wouldn't ask a mom of all girls if she was trying for a boy, I would more probably just be looking at her with alot of envy. LOL A friend of mine has three girls and always wanted a boy but I swear i have always been envious that she got three girls!

I guess it all depends on perspective. But I do think 3 boys is WAY more taboo than 3 girls! JMO. ;)

I'm gonna throw in another side to this...I really feel a lot of people make these comments because they have or have had gender desire/disappointment themselves.
I think, most of the time, they are not trying to imply that there is something wrong with YOUR family, I think it is reflecting how they feel about their idea of the perfect family...some of them may have their perfect family makeup already and they can come across as extremely arrogant (which I then chalk up to ignorance on their part and disregard).
Others I feel may have experienced some form of GD themselves at some point and are perhaps more understanding of the situation than you realise...maybe they just don't communicate it well, or they are trying to mask it.
Perhaps the reason you cannot escape the comments/discussions wherever you go is because you take them a little too personally...these discussions take place because a desire for a certain gender or family makeup is much more common than most people realise...more people feel like us (or have at some point) than you could even imagine.

Yes people can be ignorant, arrogant and some just downright rude and there is nothing wrong with putting them in their place, and we should...but there are many more of us who just wish we had X number of children with X gender and sometimes the comments are less about us personally and more about themselves.
Perhaps the mother you mentioned in the first place is jealous of YOU and your 3 beautiful girls...perhaps she never wanted any boys let alone 2 of them and just always dreaming of the daughter that she finally did have, or pehaps she could relate having 3 of the same gender to her fears of having a third boy and just projected that onto you with her comment??? Then again perhaps she's just rude.
I guess I'm just trying to say that she may not know the best way to discuss the topic because she could have been there herself.
Its a touchy topic and the way people approach the questions can definitely make a world of difference, but some people just don't have tact as one of their strong points anyway...don't let other people's comments make you feel inadequate, what someone else has said may have less to do with you than you realise.
You have 3 beautiful daughters and have every right to feel enormously proud of them regardless of the GD.