I am becoming depressed

I have been trying for 13 months, and I am pretty sure I am out this month. You would think that since it is taking me so long to conceive I would just want a baby, boy or girl, but the longer it takes the worse my gender desire is getting. I am becoming someone I am not proud of. Very jealous of all the other women I know having girls (and I know A LOT of them). Every time someone announces they are pregnant I know it will be girl. I just have this feeling my next will be a boy, and I have gone through all of this for nothing. Then of course there is this fear that I can't have another baby because it is taking so long to conceive.

After this cycle I have to begin to see an RE and I am sure they will want to do IUI's and I know they sway boy. It is not that I wouldn't love my son, because I KNOW for a fact that I would, I just want a daughter so badly.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

What have you tried to sway Kasey? Have you tried Vitex yet?

I have tried it all. Now I am on clomid, and it is my last cycle on clomid. After this I have to see the Reproductive doc since it is taking so long to conceive. I have been on the diet for 15 months.

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Originally Posted by kaseybaby

I have tried it all. Now I am on clomid, and it is my last cycle on clomid. After this I have to see the Reproductive doc since it is taking so long to conceive. I have been on the diet for 15 months.

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Wow, that is dedication I am sorry. :(

I think if I had conceived right away I wouldn't have cared as much if I had another DS, because I adore my DS, but since it is taking so long, it makes me feel like I deserve a healthy girl in some way.

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Originally Posted by kaseybaby

I think if I had conceived right away I wouldn't have cared as much if I had another DS, because I adore my DS, but since it is taking so long, it makes me feel like I deserve a healthy girl in some way.

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I totally don't blame you! Gosh, you've been through A LOT! Did you keep track of everything you did in each cycle? Maybe Atomic can help?

OH! Are you BFing???
NM I guess if you are on Clomid you aren't.

I know exactly your feeling......did 2 times HT both with severe fragmented embryos. So hard to get pregnant with them. The second time we decided that our son deserves a sibling so we put back 2xx and 2xy (we wanted a girl). We hoped that a girl would stick and if there was a boy too it was very okay. No I'm 13 weeks pregnant with probably a boy. It feels like I'm the only one who did HT and gets back with an opposite of what I really wanted (okay we knew it was a possibility but why do I have always bad luck?!?!) I'm so jealous of other HT women who gets what they want.....It feels for me the same that I deserve that girl after doing HT.....

I understand what you mean....you probably feel even more desperate for that little girl because now there a potential threat of not having anymore at all. Someone without GD wouldn't get that probably....but we probably all do!

Hugs for you lisva. I absolutely hate that fact I have gender desire. And the thing is, it is not that I don't want a boy, it is that I want a girl, if that makes any sense at all.

Kasey that's exact the same feeling I have so it does make very much sense!!! Hugs!

:hugs:

Kaseybaby, I can totally relate....we've been ttc since August 2010, and although I had a couple of miscarriages last year, it's been 13 months since the last one- probably a good 14 cycles or so- and I am (or I'd like to think "was" now) at the point of starting to get depressed. I know what you mean about feeling like if you do conceive, you deserve that girl since you had to go through the worst blood, sweat, and tears to get a baby in the first place. I've had that feeling many times. For some reason, I have now pretty much given up my gender desire and am trying to give up my BABY desire since I'm not thinking we will ever conceive on our own at all (my girls are from previous marriage). But, let me just suggest that you give yourself a good break- you never know what will come of it. Our giving up the dream of a baby doesn't mean we will use birth control or anything, just that I'm not going to obsess about it and instead, I'm trying to focus on the good things about not having another baby at this point (which is admittedly pulling the wool over my own eyes, but it beats just letting myself spiral into a depression) and also focus on my career and saving for traveling, etc. We can't afford IVF and IUI won't work for us since our problem lies with DH's sperm. But, I think taking a break and trying to focus on something else, like getting yourself really into working out, volunteering, whatever it is, is a good thing when you recognize that you don't feel like you are mentally healthy anymore. And hey, I am secretly hoping in the part of my mind where the wool isn't totally covering it all, that we will have an oops baby someday. Anyway, PM me if you want to vent more!