Slate Article: "How to Buy a Daughter"

This Slate article's being discussed on IG right now, and I wasn't able to find a thread about it here (sorry if there already is and I missed it). A former GD member pointed out to me it was written by the person who was sniffing around here a while back claiming to be a grad student and trying to contact individual members. Just thought everyone would like to see it, and it's a great reminder to be cautious with our personal information on this site.

Sex selection in babies through PGD: Americans are paying to have daughters rather than sons. - Slate Magazine

Pretty negative take on the whole thing.... I don't know why people care how others chose to balance their families. The author of that article obviously doesn't have GD!

Holy negative comments at the bottom of the article. Some people just don't get it. They don't understand gender disappointment at all. They think we don't love our "wrong" sexed children. Not true at all ,at least not for me. I feel loads of love for my boys and I would love another boy to death as well however there is a spot in my heart that is empty and broken and that longs for a girl so desperately and yes if I had the money I would pay for reassurance..for my girl.

If the baby in my womb is another boy I too will cry, probably for weeks and be depressed about it for a while, but I will move on and I will love that child no matter what. Since when is it a mental illness to mourn over not getting something? The feelings are natural...I think maybe that's why some argue and fight against it, because they feel shame and being against GD somehow safeguards them.

I've never understood why the majority of people always think it is *better* to have things decided FOR them in their life, instead of making their own choices. They don't trust their own judgement to make the best decisions for themselves and they get upset when someone else has the self awareness and confidence to make things happen for themselves. They resent and even hate people who have the guts to go after what they want. Look at the venom of those comments! What is it to them that some woman paid $40,000 to select the gender she wanted? Really?

"Nature" ie "random chance" should decided the gender of your children or you're evil and ungrateful. The government should decide how you spend your money (high taxes) etc, etc. They refuse to take any personal responsibility for their life and their happiness. The message throughout the comments of "you get what you get and you don't get upset" says it all. I guess by letting someone/something else (including random chance) decide for you, you also get to dodge any responsibility for failure. It's not *your fault* if you don't have what you want and are unhappy.

It's sad and bizarre to me.

Thanks mocha for posting that. I remember the message that I got in my inbox from the "grad" student. I thought at the time it was a troll!

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Originally Posted by Mochagirl

This Slate article's being discussed on IG right now, and I wasn't able to find a thread about it here (sorry if there already is and I missed it). A former GD member pointed out to me it was written by the person who was sniffing around here a while back claiming to be a grad student and trying to contact individual members. Just thought everyone would like to see it, and it's a great reminder to be cautious with our personal information on this site.

Sex selection in babies through PGD: Americans are paying to have daughters rather than sons. - Slate Magazine

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IT was written by the "grad student" I just checked my inbox I never erased it!

Thanks so much for posting this. I just got my BFN after our cycle with Dr Potter at HRC. This woman helps me keep the faith that it will all work out for us, hopefully next cycle. I want my baby girl more than a new car or kitchen Reno too.

Love how Atomic is all over them with her comments right now! LOL

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Originally Posted by RedCanoe

I've never understood why the majority of people always think it is *better* to have things decided FOR them in their life, instead of making their own choices. They don't trust their own judgement to make the best decisions for themselves and they get upset when someone else has the self awareness and confidence to make things happen for themselves. They resent and even hate people who have the guts to go after what they want. Look at the venom of those comments! What is it to them that some woman paid $40,000 to select the gender she wanted? Really?

"Nature" ie "random chance" should decided the gender of your children or you're evil and ungrateful. The government should decide how you spend your money (high taxes) etc, etc. They refuse to take any personal responsibility for their life and their happiness. The message throughout the comments of "you get what you get and you don't get upset" says it all. I guess by letting someone/something else (including random chance) decide for you, you also get to dodge any responsibility for failure. It's not *your fault* if you don't have what you want and are unhappy.

It's sad and bizarre to me.

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Yes, I don't understand the logic. I believe that I am the only one responsible for my personal happiness. I don't want to wait to see if life gives me what I am hoping for, I'd rather actively seek it out myself. (and this applies to other situations too, not just trying to have a baby of a particular gendeR)

I couldn't agree more with RedCanoe's comments below.

The article was a very one-sided, negative attack on people choosing to select the gender of their children. But the comments on the article, the vitriol directed at *Megan* was unbelievable. How do these people conclude that it is any of their business what other people (total strangers) do with their own eggs, sperm and money? If I want to sway or do HT, how does that affect their lives? It is like some of these commentators want a medal for standing up on behalf of the values or morals they think society should have. I think they all need to go away and get a life of their own. If they don't care for it, they don't have to do it. Personally, I am tired of other people dictating what I should do.

I thought the USA was much more open-minded. I thought only Australians were the mind-your-business-for-you types. The government knows best attitude is rife here in Australia. Whenever gender selection is mentioned here, ill informed people talk about designer babies and the dangers of becoming like China with regard to gender imbalance. I am more concerned that we will become like China where the government tells us what we can and cannot do. Here in Australia our medical ethics council think that aborting a baby at 20 weeks on the basis of gender is much preferable to selecting one embryo from another prior to implantation.

So many people criticized *Megan* assuming she did not love her sons. It is not about not wanting your sons, it is about wanting a daughter too. My sons desperately want a sister. And as for the playing with God argument, what about curing cancer, IVF for infertility generally or organ transplants? If that isn't the use of science for the betterment of life and overall improvement in happiness, what is? I don't see gender selection as any different to that.

So how long will it be before gender selection is banned in the USA too?

Did any of you ladies ever see the Elle Magazine article?? That will boil your blood!! I'd like a few minutes alone with the author of that one.

The thing I don't get is that Slate Magazine is extremely pro-choice and not long ago published articles saying that men should be able to force girlfriends to have abortions of unwanted babies and even an article discussing "after birth abortion" where babies born with major health conditions should be euthanized...and yet HT gender selection is SOO horrible?!? I dont' get the logical consistency there at all.

I took Atomic's advice and didn't even read the comments! I would think of nothing else for days if I did!

This is the PM she sent me back in January when she was soliciting interviews:

"Hi Jacqueline,
My name is Jasmeet Sidhu, and I’m a student at Columbia University here in New York, and I'm currently working towards my Masters degree in digital media and writing.

As part of our course here, we're required to work on a thesis on any topic of our choice - I knew that I wanted to write about gender selection, comparing the traditional methods that humanity has used in the past, with new high-tech technology in our 21st century world. As well, I was really curious about the experiences of women all over the world seeking gender selection for a variety of reasons, and becoming united and bonded over shared desires for a boy or girl, such as on the gender dreaming forums. I thought since you were one of the moderators, you might be appropriate to reach out to.

I was wondering if you'd be interested in speaking to me about your experience - I was hoping to gain insight into how the world of high-tech gender selection works - what factors went into your decision-making to pursue gender selection, how you found the clinics etc. I think this is such an important topic as gender selection technology becomes more readily available, and to not view it from a ledge up above, but really get in the mindsets, emotions and experiences of the thousands of women and couples that go through this every year.

If you're able to help out, please let me know.
Hope to speak to you soon,
Jasmeet"

Despite the nice tone of that PM, I was skeptical of her, and of course ignored her - and since she sent her request the day after I found out I was having a miscarriage, I figured either she hadn't read my posts or was just completely insensitive. If she was truly interested in our emotions, she certainly would have handled that differently.

She did not misrepresent herself in terms of being a grad student - the footnote on the article says it was supported by Columbia University, and it says on her Twitter page that the report was in fact her masters thesis. However she made no effort to "really get into our mindsets and emotions." She clearly decided to just pick and choose her interview quotes as such to portray gender selection in a negative light.

As for her "masters thesis", there is no new groundbreaking research there. It looks like countless other articles (such as the Elle piece) that offer a one-sided view. She did post a separate blog article here that was a bit less one-sided, and even included a couple of paragraphs attempting to offer insight into the emotions of GD, although a shallow attempt at that.
Jasmeet Sidhu: Should Sex Selection of Embryos Be Regulated in the United States?
It's too bad she couldn't have explored it further and written a much more meaningful article that truly fulfilled the intentions she expressed in her PM.

I have a masters degree and at times have thought maybe my thesis work was a bit weak... but after reading hers, I know that I truly deserved my degree! LOL.

She PM'd me too and I ignored her. What a s**t unbalanced , narrow minded article.
One part of the 'argument' that really pisses me off is the argument that 'real' IVF patients would give anything for any baby and why that somehow makes us selfish in a desire for a particular gender. Of course we are sensitive to fertility patients and I don't know of any of us who don't adore the babies we already have and feel so grateful for them, we just so desperately want the other too. Why is it not frowned upon to keep having babies till you get the desired gender or to keep swaying rather than go HT. I dont see the difference. Noone is getting hurt, no unwanted babies are brought into the world. A lot of the negativity seems to be because we use the same technology as IVF for infertility patients and ignorant lay people cannot disassociate the two but really, why does that really matter???

Ugh ignorant narrow minded people make my blood boil, why cant they go and get on their high horse about real issues where innocent are being hurt or abused rather than loving parents who want to balance their families?

Sorry for the rant but that article and all the idiots who wrote ridiculous comments , especially about us not being human (wtf), really pissed me off.

Stargazer, the way I have explained it to people before and seemed to get some level of understanding, is if you hit your thumb with a hammer, it will hurt like a son of a gun and everyone knows that. No one would say, "you're lucky to have thumbs" or "what about the man who has no arms, you're better off than them" etc. But it STILL HURTS. It's natural that it hurts, it's part of the human condition that we feel pain when injured or denied something we really want. People instinctively understand that if you have a dream your whole life and that dream is not to be, that there will be mourning involved - when an athlete doesn't get a gold medal, when an actress doesn't win an Academy Award, when a moutnain climber can't reach the peak of Everest - no one is popping up to say, "you're just lucky mountains even EXIST".

The thing that pisses me off about people who claim not to understand GD is that the first question anyone asks is "was it a boy or a girl" and even monkeys and apes check a baby's gender. People are excited for you when they hear you're getting your DG. Everyone understands the feeling and I think anyone who claims not to, are world-class liars and have some political/philosophical agenda they are pushing (whether it's the "both sexes have to be exactly the same or this negates my feminism" types or the "women are emasculating harpies and so they don't want sons" types). That doesn't make ME or you or any one of us bad mothers or monsters for wanting a child of a particular gender. In fact it's completely logically inconsistent because both those arguments are based on total stereotypes of gender differences!

Agreed! Well said atomic x

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

not long ago published articles saying that men should be able to force girlfriends to have abortions of unwanted babies and even an article discussing "after birth abortion" where babies born with major health conditions should be euthanized....

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Well that there says it all, right there!! I have never heard anything so abhorrent in my life. The magazine is clearly bottom of the rung, gutter journalism. Some of the commentators on the gender selection article said we were mentally disturbed, who are they kidding?

I think I hate that article. Never read anything more asinine in my life! This was on IG too, on the GDisappointment board. I was sad to see some of the posters on IG agreeing and even 'bashing' the woman who choose to get a girl through HT rather then defending her. Yep, that site is definitely gone down the shithole.

On the other hand, I'm also glad and thankful to see so many wonderful ladies who are NOT doing the same on Gender dreaming :o You all restore my faith in humanity lol

I was considering going HT before I had DD, but by the time I was starting to research about it in early 2010 I had a surprise BFP and was already 4 weeks along. But I think if you want your dream, why sit there wondering when you can achieve the gender you dreamed of! If you can afford it, go for it. It's nobody else's business what you choose to do with your money.

Plus I hate the fact that some people seem to that wanting one gender means you don't love or 'want' what you already have. Sure, I originally didn't want what I had, but I do now and I adore my boys. Just like those who do HT adore the sons/daughters they already have.

You are so right Atomic!! There's this woman I know who used to keep bugging me on when I'd 'get the girl' and then in the next breath she'd say 'but you should be grateful for whatever you get!' and act all shocked when I'd say I wanted a girl - even though she was the one who'd start up the whole gender crap in the first place. :mad:

I'm almost scared to read the comments :worry: I agree with you Zanacal and Atomic, if I read it my blood will boiling for days!