Want a girl really bad? How about adoption?

I'm not here trying by to be judgmental. I'm prego with baby #2, I have a 3 year old boy and I don't know the sex of my baby yet. Yes, secretly I'd love to have a little girl. But even if this one is another boy we'll be done having kids and we'll stick to our plan of having just 2 kids (which is what we can afford). I've read SO many comments of moms so desperately trying to have a girl that they keep on having babies (am I the only to think that's kinda crazy??), and with each new baby boy the deception grows bigger and bigger. That concerns me. Are you sure you won't reflect you resentment in any ways on your little boy(s)? This is what I think makes sense: instead of having tons of kids in an attempt to get a girl, why not consider gender selection or if you're not able to afford that what about adopting a little girl somewhere that'd love to have a home? I have an example in my family where they had 7 boys because my aunt wouldn't settle until she had a girl. Ok, after 7 boys she got her girl, but now their family is in all sorts of trouble, especially financially. I don't know, maybe I'm the crazy one here... ;)

Not to be rude, but maybe you should try not being so concerned with how other people build their families. Some people don't believe in the HT options, some don't qualify for adoption, some want lots of kids no matter what, some only want one. Unless their kids are being neglected or abused, who cares?

"Are you sure you won't reflect you resentment in any ways on your little boy(s)?"

For myself, yes I am sure because I don't feel one tiny ounce of resentment towards them. I wouldn't trade a single one of them for the most beautiful little girl of my dreams.

Anyone who suggests adoption to anyone as a viable alternative for most people, has never looked into adoption. It's prohibitively expensive and many of us are not qualified for it anyway due to factors that are entirely beyond our control such as age and minor medical conditions.

Not everyone can afford gender selection, gender selection doesn't always work anyway, and quite frankly I find your comment right up there with "let them eat cake"...you're basically saying rich people deserve their DG and poor people, suck it up and live with it.

People make an assumption that because you hope for a girl (or boy) that you don't have room in your heart for a child of a different gender or blame that child for his/her existence/gender. That is utterly baseless, and BTW I have seen PLENTY of parents who hoped for a smart kid, beauty queen, football star etc. Nothing to do with gender at all. Plenty of parents have to alter their expectations for what their family looks like.

This is meant as a support site for people who are undergoing GD. If you don't have GD, don't understand it, and don't see a need for this site, then you're LUCKY. Count your blessings rather than focusing on what others are going thru.

I have considered adoption but rightly or wrongly at least in the uk they would not allow you to have a gender preference.

It is my greastest hope and prayer that if you do have a second boy you will be able to walk away from your dream of a girl happy that your family is complete, tbh I wish I could but unfortuantly life is not so simple.

personally I couldn't do HT (but I totally support women who do) because we are in the Uk and becuase DH doesn't agree with what happens to the other embroys

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but your ignorance is showing. Do you have any idea of what the adoption process entails? I'm guessing no, because most people who do don't throw it out there as if it's as simple as adopting a dog from the shelter. I've watched one of my best friend's for years try to adopt a child. Years and years of going to ultrasounds with these women, holding their hands, holding up their legs in the delivery room, rocking these newborn babies only to be told at the very last second that the birth mother has had a change of heart. I'm not anti-adoption at all, and I would never discourage a family from it, but in my experience it seems that a lot of people don't have a realistic concept of it. Can it be rewarding? Absolutely, but like anything else there are no guarantees. I'm glad she finally was able to welcome a little boy into her family over this summer, but it was an extremely long and painful process that wasn't cheap.

And hey, some people simply don't want to adopt...and that's okay!

Personally, I am done at #4. I don't know the gender of this babe yet, but that doesn't matter. Never would I resent my sons and a lot of women wouldn't. Know why? Because we're not sad we have sons -- we're sad that we don't have a daughter. Big difference. None of these ladies would *ever* trade our boys for a girl because we love them unconditionally and are proud to be their mothers.

I'd just like to add that you are being judgmental as you aren't in anyone's position yet. You don't know what gender your 2nd child is so you couldn't possibly. I didn't til I found out my 2nd was in fact a boy. I hope you do get another boy and you are content, all of us wish we could feel this way. But maybe you just may end up with your foot in your mouth as you imagine your life without a girl. I am completely grateful for my boys. I am sad I can't experience both. They are two seperate matters.

Just because I wanted to have more kids than dh and I were hoping for - in order to try for a girl - it doesn't mean I don't appreciate my sons. I always dreamed of havings daughters, but it was my sons who changed me into a better person. My boys have opened my eyes and showed me that I needed them in my life before I could ever have a dd. I will be ttc again for another girl, but if I do end up having a 3rd boy - then yes, I'll probably feel GD and yes I will get over it - just as I did with both my sons.

I'm happy that you clearly have never experienced any GD but please, show some consideration for those who have. This is a GD forum after all. We are here not to judge others but to support each other. And as PPs have said, adoption is not always an option. And since when could everyone afford gender selection?

:sigh:

I am not sure why you felt the need to post this in a GD forum. Maybe just make it a general comment on the swaying forum. This is here for people who are going through a difficult time, not to hear from someone who has no idea what they are talking about to tell them to "get over it". I come from a family of adopted siblings, and a family who did foster care for 16 years. You obviously know absolutely nothing about adoption or the process. So perhaps you should do some research and reserve your judgment until you are fully educated on the topic.

As for PGD. Not only is it extremely expensive, but some people, like myself won't do it for moral reasons. I don't look down on others who choose to go that route, because you know what? It is none of my business. But it isn't for everyone. I am going through IF treatments, not by choice, because I can't get pregnant on my own. It is a huge undertaking, especially having another child to care for.

I hope you never experience GD, and from my experience you will probably have a girl, and then act extra smug towards others who have GD.

soo true she will end up a 'smog'.. you know what girls i smell a troll! Why go on gd website .....

Just because I'd like a daughter does not mean that I do not love my sons! I come from a large family of 10 children and for me a large family just comes naturally. Before I started having children I thought I'd only have two but I did always envision one or both of those children being girls. As I've had my children I have assessed the family situation and what makes sense for us and my love and bond for my children is so great that I find raising them the most joyful, rewarding and yes, sometimes challenging thing in my life. My husband and I both tear up when we see little girls and yes, in some ways I wish I could switch this desire for a daughter off but I can't. In saying that, I adore our boys and we will most likely stop after this next bub but so what if we don't? That's our decision to make!

Adoption is not an option for us. In fact, I'd love to adopt as I don't enjoy being pregnant. Would be great to have someone else go through that for me. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.

What you are saying is like giving advice on marriage when you've never been married yourself or telling a family how they should and shouldn't parent their teenage children when you have never been a parent to teenage children. It is a subject that you have no skills or knowledge in so you are hardly qualified to speak on the subject at all!

I could really see you finding that your own feelings change in the future as you gain some more life experience. Until then consider what you are saying.

Who do you think you are to question how many children people choose to have?

You know, it's important to know that this site isn't just about nub guesses. That's not it's primary focus at all. While I think all the members here are welcoming to everybody, I think we who sway expect that newer members will respect what this site is really about.

It is a site for people who have suffered from gender disappointment or gender desire. It is a safe place for us to express our feelings with those who empathize. While nub guess are fun, there are many sites that do that. While you are here, I would hope that you understand that there are ladies who consider this their Internet home and don't expect to be judged here.

How lucky are you that you are okay with two boys and never raising a daughter! Good for you!

The context of your post and tone suggests you are truly naive about many things including the cost of adoption. Adoption can be very costly. Tens of thousands of dollars and gender selection is not always an option.

The tone here should be one of encouragement not judgement as you have done. This may not be the place for you.

be nice to everyone you meet, as everyone has their own story.

perhaps after the responses you have recieved you may realise that we are not 'terrible' mothers who havent wanted our children how ridiculous! I actually feel lucky if we did have a girl I wouldnt have had four children, and all of these wonderful little souls to cherish in my life. sometimes things happen for a reason. you should leave judgment out of this forum, it is not warranted.

I do agree with all the comments posted in reply to the first post however, I do have a different perspective on what the original poster is trying to say.

I truly believe that all the moms here are loving, caring and trying to raise their kids as best as they can and, I think suggesting adoption as a quick n easy solution is completelyimmature. But the problem is that Internet forums comprise of people from all over the world and this brings different views, different culture n thoughts. Here in USA adoption is expansive but I know that there are countries where you can just adopt an orphan child in 10 mins..without any official work n no money involved either....but again that is not the case everywhere.

Also, in some places raising a kid doesn't only mean providing food, clothes, shelter n love....it does go beyond that in a way that parents are responsible for their marriages, higher education etc. So, for people with that mindset it's hard to fathom how others can go adding new members to their families just like that. I believe that we now truly live in a global society :) Not everyone has same views, faith, understanding n compassion.

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Originally Posted by coocoobananas

I'd just like to add that you are being judgmental as you aren't in anyone's position yet. You don't know what gender your 2nd child is so you couldn't possibly. I didn't til I found out my 2nd was in fact a boy. I hope you do get another boy and you are content, all of us wish we could feel this way. But maybe you just may end up with your foot in your mouth as you imagine your life without a girl. I am completely grateful for my boys. I am sad I can't experience both. They are two seperate matters.

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:agree:
i didn't have GD until my first two sons were 13 and 16 years old.

I wish I went in thinking I get what I get. I wonder if not expecting something would have made it easier? I know 2 people who wanted 2 boys, I wish I went in feeling that way... But I probably would have had a girl, doh!

As for international adoption, I did look into it before this babe as I thought since I didn't want to be pregnant again, wanted a certain gender than this would be the best outcome. Plus my husband has always wanted to adopt...if you can direct me to where it's "easy" please lead me because I have not found that to be true at all!!

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Originally Posted by coocoobananas

As for international adoption, I did look into it before this babe as I thought since I didn't want to be pregnant again, wanted a certain gender than this would be the best outcome. Plus my husband has always wanted to adopt...if you can direct me to where it's "easy" please lead me because I have not found that to be true at all!!

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" Here in USA adoption is expansive but I know that there are countries where you can just adopt an orphan child in 10 mins..without any official work n no money involved either....but again that is not the case everywhere."

Did you interpret above lines as suggesting international adoption? No, that is not what I meant here...I meant that within certain countries for their residents, the process is easy. Specially, the girls abandoned after birth in villages are adopted without any paper work ..just with the approval of elders. In my own family my doctor grandmother adopted a girl child, who was abandoned by parents after birth and left near the trash can. She already had three of her kids at that time but the adoption was mainly to save the child. Many of these children are born out of wedlock and the social stigma associated with it results in abandonement OR sometimes poor parents wanting boy don't have a way to find out the sex of baby until they are born. If you google you will find many such stories in countries like India, Nepal, Pakistan etc. However, I do agree and have heard that international adoption from those same countries is very difficult due to bureaucracy n other issues.

Here, is one such story that I found on Internet.
India - Saving Baby Girls from Abortions, Abandonment

J&K: Couple adopts abandoned baby with a cleft lip - India - Jammu and Kashmir - ibnlive

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Originally Posted by coocoobananas

I wish I went in thinking I get what I get. I wonder if not expecting something would have made it easier? I know 2 people who wanted 2 boys, I wish I went in feeling that way... But I probably would have had a girl, doh!

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I feel the exact same way...I believe that since I wanted it badly so it didn't happen...if I had gone in the baby making process with no preference then I may have been lucky. Now, looking back I think I should have just gone for baby dancing everyday starting 4-5 days before ovulation, similar to what people do to just get pregnant.

Um I thought I was gonna be so upset with my third if I found out he was a boy cause I want a girl so bad... I found out he was a boy at 17 weeks I did not have one ounce of dissapointment like I thought I might... Just love for him I would never resent any three of my boys for their gender! I don't want to adopt I think I would not be able to bond like it was my own that is my personal feelings :) I could have 10 boys and I would love them all the same and not resent a drop of them... In fact my third who I wanted to be a girl sooo very bad I have the strongest bond ever with him

To the OP,

YES! I have been pushing for adoption for years now and my wife still isn't on-board. I know that adoption can be expensive and can be heart-breaking, but it isn't always. A close friend of mine adopted a baby boy three years ago. She had heard from a friend-of-a-friend that one of their nieces was pregnant and was going to put baby up for adoption. So my friend contacted the girl and they met and soforth. She and her husband were there for baby's birth and named him and took him home for only the cost of lawer fees ($4,000) and they have a wonderful toddler now!

I desperately want a boy, but believe if we kept trying we'd have a whole volleyball team before we could have a boy. My wife really wants to HAVE another, so we will have to see how things work out in the next few years.

Adopting a human baby is not like adopting a puppy! As many have pointed out, it is extremely exclusive and expensive! You have about as good of odds as getting that girl or boy you dream of as having your own baby. PGD is also crazy expensive and on average takes 3 attempts to even get pregnant and could include traveling the world to find someone to do it. Also, a couple's own belief system plays into whether they feel it is right or wrong to choose. I am not saying there are not moms who let their gender disappointment affect their children. There are bad moms out there is every shape and form, but most of us moms on here are learning to cope or have learned to cope with gender disappointment or desire and are here to help one another. Comments and suggestions like yours are not helpful or wanted.

Can't believe I wasted three years + of my life swaying when I could of just popped down to the 'pick up a girl' supermarket (BOGOF on Fridays!! BTW) and adopted! So cheap and simple. Apparently if you order before the 13th you get a free counselling session on how not to resent your sons.

Is this woman for Real???

I don't think she is for real.. this smells way to much of trolling to me..!

I can't speak for others but I am not having kids just to try for a girl. My plan all along was to have three kids. If I had a boy and a girl already I'd still be having a third. Now that I have two boys already, I'd love the third to be a girl so I have both genders but even if I have a third boy I am done.

I have no idea what anyone would be doing here if they did not understand GD or empathise with those suffering GD. Unless, of course they were deliberately looking to provoke an argument with people who are suffering and that seems very cruel (not to mention a waste of everybody's time). Add all the smilies you like, but posts like these come across as anything but friendly.

Everyone is entitled to their point of view and if you don't believe in GD, that is fabulous for you. Well done. Many, many brownie points for you. But until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, it might be best to keep judgement to yourself or at least make sure you know what you are on about. Before I embark on an argument with anyone, I like to get my facts straight so that I can contribute to the discussion with factual information and educated opinion.

As many others have said, adoption for gender is not possible in many places, costs a lot of money like HT which is also not possible in many places. And also, like HT, adoption is not something that everyone is cut out for.

Many people want to have a large family and wanting a daughter is not about not wanting your sons. I love all three of my boys (and have not ever experienced any serious GD) but wanted to the opportunity to raise the opposite gender for my fourth and final child. Regardless of those motivations or anybody else's, I do not feel the right to comment on the way people create their families. It is absolutely none of my business, or yours. I don't pay their rent/mortgage, I don't pay their school fees, I don't have to feed them. So if people want to be *crazy* and have lots of children, far be it from me to comment on their choices.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people have an opinion on what other people do. Mind your own.

I do not think adopotion can be a real altenative to GD, adoption for me is much more than this, it is a very important choice much more more important (for me) than having another child.
We have three boys and we know four would be the limit, so we decided for HT, but this doesn't mean I love my children less or I would change any of them with a baby girl!!!