DD #2

I can still go back there. Dark. Sad. Pissed off. Lots of cying. I think it is what really propelled me into the HT world even BEFORE DD3 would come along.

I remember what I was wearing. My pre-pregnany jeans with a white long sleeve short. Walking the mall with DD#1 shopping for who knows what.

The U/S appointment:

The first had been a girl. Tolerable. Not desirable but tolerable. I cannot rememebr the exact moment when we found out it was going to be DD2 but I do rememebr after the u/s. I remember crying leaving the room. Silently crying. I would call it sobbing. Trying to gather myself before the doctor, whom I had never met came in to meet with us. To listen to HER heartbeat. Talk about HER. All I could do was wipe my eyes. I am sure he was uncomfortable.

I remember going to the car. Sobbing. My DH pissed at me as HE loaded our 2 year old DD1 into the carseat of my car. I don't remember where I was going afterwards..I remember the highway...eventually calling my mom...she knew it was a girl by my tone...sure I had been crying...just total devestation.

I remember it clearly.

At dinner tonight with my parents and brothers and sister, we were talking about baby names and how a week after you have the baby, no matter what you name it, you cannot imagine that child with any other name. I cannnot imagine my DD2 without her name. Cannot imagine her not being here. She has made me who I am. She has helped create me. I created her but she made me who I am. Out of complete sadness and darkness came light. It was a long time coming but the light did shine again.

Yes, I can relate to it all. I had a similar experience with DS2.

My maternal grandmother had died the winter before I got pregnant and I was so convinced that God would give me a daughter after he took my beloved grandma. I was devastated, but held my composure until I got home and then locked myself in my bedroom and sobbed for hours.

I am so utterly grateful for my DS2. I can't imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't my son.

Your post took me back I was right there with you and yes the light does eventually shine but it took me along time and I still feel guilty about that now

NBP,

That was so beautiful what you wrote. I like the way that you said light was shining at the end.

May I ask why was your DH pissed at you?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

I can still go back there. Dark. Sad. Pissed off. Lots of cying. I think it is what really propelled me into the HT world even BEFORE DD3 would come along.

I remember what I was wearing. My pre-pregnany jeans with a white long sleeve short. Walking the mall with DD#1 shopping for who knows what.

The U/S appointment:

The first had been a girl. Tolerable. Not desirable but tolerable. I cannot rememebr the exact moment when we found out it was going to be DD2 but I do rememebr after the u/s. I remember crying leaving the room. Silently crying. I would call it sobbing. Trying to gather myself before the doctor, whom I had never met came in to meet with us. To listen to HER heartbeat. Talk about HER. All I could do was wipe my eyes. I am sure he was uncomfortable.

I remember going to the car. Sobbing. My DH pissed at me as HE loaded our 2 year old DD1 into the carseat of my car. I don't remember where I was going afterwards..I remember the highway...eventually calling my mom...she knew it was a girl by my tone...sure I had been crying...just total devestation.

I remember it clearly.

At dinner tonight with my parents and brothers and sister, we were talking about baby names and how a week after you have the baby, no matter what you name it, you cannot imagine that child with any other name. I cannnot imagine my DD2 without her name. Cannot imagine her not being here. She has made me who I am. She has helped create me. I created her but she made me who I am. Out of complete sadness and darkness came light. It was a long time coming but the light did shine again.

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Beautifully written, NBP. Thanks for putting this out here.

NY- He just didn't feel the way I did. He is a guys guy but would have stopped at 2.

Awwww you were just so determined and it all worked out in the end. Beautiful story!!!!!!!!!

It's amazing you are such a strong person. I wish I could meet you but I'm on the other side of the world!

I also remember being passed on to one mental health professional after the other. Noone knew what to do with me. Finally I was set up with a brilliant counsellor through the hospital who I still see now. What a trip!

Beautifully said:kiss:

I also remember like it were yesterday when I found out about dd2 at the ultrasound, I cried like a baby in the car, lucky my husband was unable to come to that ultrasound appointment, cause if he saw my reaction, he would have been sooo disappointed with me.

I look at her now & I still feel guilty at times, I love her more then anything in this world.

Yep can totally relate too xxxx

Beautifully written, NPB. I remember being sad, but there was only one reason- because my DH (ex now) was so pissed off about it. When dd2 was born, I remember the isolation and feeling like she was so unwanted by him, and I would just rock her for hours and tell her that I always wanted her, more than anything, and was so glad that she was given to me. Now, she is my spicy little meatball, and we have a bond that is incredible. I think she knows, she remembers in a strange way, how much I wanted her to know I loved her and was thankful for her coming along.

Now I know why I was given two girls....because in our divorce, they have come to be a source of strength for each other and for me....all three of us bonded in our "womanly" power to get out and be ok. If either one of them were a boy, the ex would be unrelenting about him, but he doesn't care about the girls, because he believes women are a weaker and subservient gender (I know.....all this info would have been helpful BEFORE we got married).

All this to say, as NBP so eloquently put it, life would not be the same without our amazing little daughters, and despite how sad we may have been in the beginning, you come around to realize that you would have it no other way.

Beautifully written and I so feel the same. I always say my DS2 "fixed" me. For all the heartache I went through while I was pregnant with him, it was like the moment he was born I just exhaled and relaxed. I always say he is my little ray of sunshine.

My first was (IS) incredibly challenging - profoundly smart but also profoundly challenging, and it wasn't until #2 came along and I finally let go a little bit that I realized that I had been suffering low-level anxiety since he first was born.

LolaInLove your post made me tear up. Now I feel like getting my little DS2 out of his crib and rocking him and telling him how much I want him, and how sorry I am for all the disappointment I felt.

You wrote exactly how I felt and what I did with DD3, and it was sooooo hard to put on a "normal face" much less a smile and DH had to think I was crazy because I would randomly cry, but I think that helped him see how much I wanted a boy