Shocked about my babies gender disappointment!!!

Kind of long but I need to explain...

I am the 3rd oldest of 8 kids (2 are step-sibs and 2 half-sibs). My older sister died 3 years before I was born. My brother and I were only 18mths apart and close as kids. When I was 4 and my little sister was born my parents split and my mom moved us to Illinois... My mothers family was odd. My grandmother hated her daughters and had 5g's and 1b.The middle child Janet was the same way and hated girls, she was 16 at that time. While we were there she watched us and spoiled my brother and as for me I was her victim. 16mths of extreme abuse and torture because I was a girl. My sister was lucky to be a newborn and was being cared for by my grandpa. I did repress the memories for a few years and started to remember them when I was 10 and at that timed learned about my older sister... a few years later I blamed her for what happened me because if she was alive maybe my aunt would have hurt her instead or being a big sis she would have helped me... I hate myself today for once thinking those thoughts. I did always wanted boys when I was younger, because I was afraid I would abuse a daughter.

When I was 16 I got pregnant and he was premature at 6mths gest and never took a breath. Many years later when I got pregnant again I did pray for a boy so I could have the boy I lost. Hearing James cry had more meaning to me and I held my boy for 6mths and never let him out of my sight. When hubby and I talked about more kids I only talked about wanting a girl, after loving my son so much I knew I could never hurt my child. Turned out I was already pregnant and at 18wks the US showed boy, a very clear boy. Hubby was happy but I hid my feelings with a smile until I was alone. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight. I felt like God was punishing me for something I did. I prayed for the rest of my pregnancy that the baby would be a girl or be stillborn... worst thoughts ever in my life. The second I saw Charlie I was in love. He looks like me and had such a sweet face. He was born with an ear tag (1/4in by 3/4in long) I blamed myself for it because I didn't want him. Within the first weeks I was so much in love and couldn't see my life without him.

I had started talking about baby #3 very early on and was often shot down. But hubby never went to get cut to prevent another baby from happening. I asked him to be open to talking when Charlie was 1yo and he agreed. He was the one who brought it up first and said he would like another one. My heart sank. I knew I had to start planning. But to also prepare myself for another boy. Not to hard this time because I know I love my boys with all my heart and no one could take that away.

I know there is a chance that I would have to live with 3 boys and the what if's. But when it comes down to it my boys are my life and another child no matter what the gender is will fit nicely in my heart.

Huge Hugs it takes big courage to share your experience

You are amazing to overcome hardship and be such a loving mom. I hope you get everything you want and more.

Thanks for sharing. I hope everything works out for the best!

I hope you get your girl this time. You have definitely earned her! Your sons sound wonderful, and I am sure they would love a baby sister or brother.

I am sorry you had such a rough upbringing... did your aunt ever go on to have her own children? If so, I hope she got help before hand so she could learn to be a decent parent.

HUGE hugs! You have gone through one hell of a time no doubt about that!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(((hugs))) our past can be the toughest thing to deal with. It's a wonderful thing to be a parent yourself, though - you get the chance give your children a good, stable home life.

Don't beat yourself up with guilt for your feelings as a child or now... I also had really, really dark thoughts when my GD was the worst with the babe I'm pg with now. I'm ashamed of the thoughts that went through my mind, but I know that it is in the past. Guilt is not going to help me or my sweet baby. Just remember that even if we made mistakes/thought bad things in the past we can change now :)

I hope you get your DG this time around hun - it will be wonderful for you to nurture a little lady :)

What a sad start:( I truly hope you get your little girl soon and break the horrible hold those sad times had on you. Your boys sound absolutely adored:) and I'm sure if it was another little man come along he would showered in love from you all, but we'll keep our fingers secretly crossed for a lady ;) xxxx

So many of us (even the people who seem really together now) had horrible thoughts and even did horrible things during their darkest GD moments. But I promise that you can come back from even the worst GD and go on to find happiness even if you never get your desired gender.

I think for many of us who had rocky childhoods the idea of a girl that we can protect and raise in a better place than we were, is very healing.

(((hugs))) and I am praying that your little girl will come to you soon.

((HUGS)) purplepoet! ITA with Atomic ... whether it is boys or girls we want, it does seem that there are a number of those whose GD stems from something in their own childhood. I know mine does for sure.

FX you get your sweet daughter this time around.

You write so honestly about your experience and thoughts, I admire that very much. ((((((HUGS)))))) I hope you get your wish.

Omg Im sooo sorry! How can anyone hurt a 4 year old little girl? My DD3 is 4 now and so sweet I really can't imagine . And no one helped? omg
You must have a your baby girl! I really hope you get one!:hugs:

I am sorry that I never responed to this...

The Evil Witch (aunt);
Unfortunatly she never got help. She went on to marry and her first child was a girl, middle name after me. My aunt had sent a letter to my mother saying that she was a changed person and gave her daughter the middle name after me as a promise that she would never hurt her... While still married to her hubby she had an affair with a married man (who had 7 sons) and she had another girl. Her husband and her divorced and that is when it started. She abused her girls daily (ages 3 and 9mths) she was even living with my grandma and together they did horrible things. When my aunt became pregnant again the state (CPS) was already involved and all 3 girls were taken away, at 2 days old, 3yo, and 5yo.... they are now A-18 (living with dad), M-16 and J-13 (both with foster parents). The evil witch gets visits every 2wks.

I have days where I could fly to Illinois and do the things she did to me... and there are days I feel sorry for her because she just did what she saw growing up. But no matter what if she ever showed up at my house or anywhere near my kids :hair::mad::nono::holysheep::whip: well you all know what happens when you go into supermom mode!

Out of everyone living in the house... my grandpa was caring for my baby sis and worked 12hr days, my grandma helped to cover it up, my mother was working and told me to not tell because I deserved it, my other aunt was 14 and did know any better, and my brother was still to young to understand what was happening... my mother didn't let us talk to our dad. When I did have to go to the ER for some bad cuts on my back the Dr called CPS and they called my dad.

No actions were taken against my aunt because she was a minor, but it was noted and that is why she was watched when she had kids.

I still have extreme fears of hurting my kids... but thinking of the possiblity that I could hurt them makes me cry and breaks my heart!

Thanks for all the support... this website is the best. Not only have I been able to get some feelings out but I have been able to except the fact that I would be happy with all boys...Love you all like sisters!

I read all this now and made me cry. Im so sorry!! I feel like I want to go and beat them up too! hurting little girls and babys too? Monsters!!!!:mad::mad::mad:

Im sure you would not hurt your little girl! I saw very bad things too and I don't do the same for sure!.

I cried while reading this. You shared with so much honesty some of the darkest feelings I sometimes have when GD takes over. My own personal experiences make me think sometimes I'm being punished for the things I've done in the past. I wish I had your courage in facing my next pregnancy.

I wish I would see it as courage... more like I feel I have to prove that I would love my child no matter the gender.

I still think that I am doing all this swaying and I will end up with another boy. And so far I am ok with that. I have a name for a boy and I have all the boys clothing. Sometimes I think it is easier to have all the same gender so boys don't have to ballet with a bunch of sisters or a girl doesn't have to play hockey with brothers. But in a small part of my heart I do hope for a girl.

It takes courage to soldier on despite feeling ambivalent about something. It takes courage to do your best and still realize that realistically you may not be able to change anything. And it takes courage to be a wonderful mother to your sons. So many parents don't even make an effort with their offspring; it's really sad. I too desperately want a girl, and honestly when I get pg if I hear 'boy' it's going to be impossible to hold back the tears. But I know I'll adore him, no matter what. And like you said, we do have all the boy clothes and things!
((HUGS)).

Reading this I am also so incredibly moved. I truly believe abuse is like a virus, and when someone is abused, often as a means of understanding the abuse, they turn the tables and become the aggressor as coping mechanism, but it is truly that they have been poisoned. Then there is another alternative to surviving abuse, and that is to heal, to love, to be among the strongest people on earth and end the cycle. I can see you are someone who is able to end the cycle- who wants to end the cycle, and I can feel your longing to live that truth through loving and protecting a daughter.
I am so devastated for the childhood you had- and for your nieces. I hope they can grow to be strong like you.
I do hope your aunt finds help.