Anyone else feel they don't belong here anymore?

Hi,
I'm still struggling with the news I'm having DS3 and one of the worst things is a feeling that I no longer belong on this site.

I've been on this site almost every day of the last 18 months, planning my sway, consulting atomic, chatting to the other ladies in the TTC Pink forum, but now I feel lost.
After my loss in Jan I was too nervous to join my due date group until I'd had the twelve week scan and felt more confident in the pregnancy, so I stayed in the TTC Pink long-termers thread. I really feel happy there and like I'm sharing a special bond with all these wonderful women all over the world who share my GD experiences, but now I feel I don't want to join the due date group because I can't bear to see others getting their DG knowing I'm not.

I no longer have the excitement about my 20 week scan because I already know what the gender is going to be. It's fantastic that a lot of the long-termers have got their BFPs lately but inevitably, eventually they'll all drift off to due date groups and join in with the excitement there and I don't know where that leaves me.

I suppose what I'm posting here for is to ask if anyone else has felt like this? How did you get through it? The last thing I want is to leave this site, but I know that I feel sadder about my failed away every time I come on here and see another poster getting all "girl" guesses in the ultrasound forum, or someone's announcement that they're getting their girl. Logic says I should stay away, but I don't want to end what has been a really nice and important relationship for me with atomic and the ladies I've come to know.

:sad:

Im sorry for the massive pity party, but does anyone have any advice?

X

Emmy I am not convinced by a 12 week potty shot that you are def having ds3. I want to say that first and foremost. Even a boyish nub is not conclusive. I just don't think that by 12 weeks anything is definitive.

That said, I think it's a good idea to prepare to hear boy. I had a boyish nub with ds3. It was gutting hearing all the boy guesses. The worst bit was that on my due date board on in gender, practically everyone was getting their girl after two boys. I felt so gutted to be the one that just wasn't getting what I had hoped for. I felt pretty numb for the rest of the pregnancy and honestly it sucked being on those due date boards especially when the little girls started to be born.

But then my third son was born. And when I held him in my arms I felt a moment of pure magic and total all consuming love. And it didn't matter that he was a boy anymore, just that he was mine.

And I announced his name and showed off his picture as proudly as I would have if he had been a girl. And I'm glad that I stayed because I met some dear dear friends that I am still friends with on a group for mummies.

I know it's hard, I've totally been there, but Ive seen lots of ladies on here recently not get their dream. Even when it felt like my soul was lead, I always tried to be as gracious and as happy others got their dream. And eventually I genuinely was happy for them.

I don't know if I believe on karma or whatever, but I have always felt that deep down if I continue to be patient and gracious that one day I will be rewarded if not with my little girl then my grand daughter or maybe my desire for a daughter will fade. I have to believe in that, and I tell myself that if I do get my daughter, I will be glad I was able to celebrate with others getting the dream. I hope that makes sense.

I'm not trying to sound preachy because that is the last type of person I would ever be. I think you absolutely belong here. If you need to steer clear of certain threads or the site completely for a while to get your head round thing, do that. But please don't go. You seem like a wonderful, much loved and valued member of this site.

Big hugs hun. It will get easier, I promise x

I felt very badly after DS 4 when I was on IG and once I took a break for awhile I felt a lot more upbeat. I would love to see you continue to hang around and keep us posted on how you are and what you're up to - would it be better to have a thread for opposites?? Or even a forum??

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I agree that you can't fully write off a DG just because of the 12 week ultrasound, but I know it's good to prepare ourselves so that there isn't this huge letdown. Honestly, this is a main reason why DH and I aren't finding out - not really just because of this site, but because of people in real life too. For me, I know the second this baby comes out and I hear DH or whoever say "it's a boy" I will be so in love that it won't matter. For both my sons we found out at the 20 week ultrasound and it was a horrible experience. We always regretted doing it and promised ourselves after DS2 that if we ever had another we wouldn't find out. I can imagine how hard it is to see people getting what they swayed for, or getting all girl guesses (which by the way means not much as I've seen many recently who've had almost all girl and got a boy!) but it's hard - and then to have to deal with it in real life with family and friends comments is just super annoying. I'm not sure when you're due, but I'm from the Dec/Jan/Feb due date group and out of 10 or 11 people we've only got 1 girl - so many of the girls can fully relate and there is lots of support there. Anyway, just wanted to say I understand and you aren't silly for feeing this way or anything!

I totally get it. It's been 2 years for me. I have been part of 2 due date groups. I've been part of groups in swaying threads, now I'm on the HT side. Everyone seems to get pregnant move to due date groups. (and i know I'm not the only one)

It's funny how its the Internet but you still have a sense of belonging or want to belong and get connected to others that you have started building a relationship with. No matter what YOU still do belong here even if its an opposite you almost belong even more iykwim. I know it hurts to see others get their DG. it sounds to me like you may be counting yourself out too early.

What if there was a general thread just to chat with "friends" you've connected with regardless of due date, baby gender etc!

The ladies from the uk used to have a smog thread. It was a general place/thread regardless of pregnancy status, gender whatever. Although I am an American I was on it for awhile bc they were my first on line "friends" I think that would be nice for you!

I definitely don't feel like I belong on here anymore, EmmyRoo. We found out in June that we are having a 3rd boy and it's been crushing. The only thing that has gotten me through is that I started doing research on HT. Never EVER considered it before, but I feel like I still need to have hope that someday I will have a girl, I just can't explain it. I am very bitter and sad when I see all the girls that people have conceived and are conceiving, so it's torture some days. Just wanted to let you know I feel the exact same way as you do. (((hugs))))

Thanks for your lovely replies, it's good to know I'm not the only one who's felt like this.

Atomic I think an opposites forum sounds like a great idea! This GD forum is great for when you've just had the news and are reeling, or when you're having a particularly bad day, but it would be good to have somewhere to move on to where everyone is in the same boat and you can support each other to see the positives in an opposite. Post pics of what you've bought for your little opposite, reasons to be cheerful at having an all boy/all girl family etc. I can see it being a good place to keep in touch with friends you've made along the journey but without having to have success stories rubbed in your face (not that anyone rubs it in, you know what I mean though). You can still join your due date group or any other group on the site when you feel ready or not if that's how you feel. Yes I think it could work very well if it was something you were able to do?

I love reading people telling me not to count myself out already but that nub looked so boyish, I just wish I'd asked for pics of it and the potty shot, it's so hard remembering what they both looked like. I really don't think I have a chance though and it's probably best for me to believe that so I can work on coming to terms. I think we are going to book a "cheap" gender scan at 18 weeks though, to give me a couple of weeks or so to get over the final nail in the coffin of my girl dream, before my sister has her second baby (due 2 days before our 20weeks scan). She has a DD already and although they are team green again I just know it'll be DD2 for her, and to hear that within a few days of finding out I'll never have a DD is too much.

I wish we had the money or time to go HT but we just don't. I'll be 37 by the time this baby is born and DH is 42 so we really don't have the time to endlessly have babies in the hope of getting a girl. We really can't afford a large family either, three will stretch us to the max. I just have to accept that it wasn't meant to be and I'm finding that so hard. I want to be angry with someone, who decided it wasn't meant to be for me? Why should someone else get their dream and not me? I'm not religious, maybe if I was it'd be easier but I'm not sure it would, it still comes back to the "whose fault is this?" question. The fact that the answer is noone is really hard to swallow. I just don't know where to start. I think this is going to be a long, hard road but I'm desperate to accept it and move on, I can't bear to think I'll be in tears for days every time someone has a girl - which I was ever since DS2 was born, up until we decided to sway for no.3 - for the rest of my life. How do you accept it though? Where do you start? Can you ever completely get past gender desire?

Thanks for reading. X

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Originally Posted by mindyjean

I definitely don't feel like I belong on here anymore, EmmyRoo. We found out in June that we are having a 3rd boy and it's been crushing. The only thing that has gotten me through is that I started doing research on HT. Never EVER considered it before, but I feel like I still need to have hope that someday I will have a girl, I just can't explain it. I am very bitter and sad when I see all the girls that people have conceived and are conceiving, so it's torture some days. Just wanted to let you know I feel the exact same way as you do. (((hugs))))

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I think we were posting at the same time mindy, thanks, it really helps so much not to feel alone. Do you think you will go HT one day or is it a placebo to get you through? I hope you feel ok soon, if atomic is able to set up this opposite forum we can help each other through. :hugs:.

X

I think it's rawest at this stage, with babies. When there isn't much to define baby other than the little clothes they go in. I personally think as kids get older and develop their personalities more and more, gender just sort of fades.

I know woman who have had to let go of the dream and they have found happiness without their dg. I know I could do that to if I had to. There are some things in life we just don't get the chance to experience. I have other dreams I will let go and accept, and I know I could move on from this one too. It'd be hard but I could do it.

I think there is already an opposites thread somewhere. Sure I stumbled across it and bookmarked it for when I'll need it. Loads of really cute boy bits out at the moment. I was just melting looking at the h and m catalogue with the cutest coolest outfits for baby boys. Swoon!

For anyone else reading this thread, you're very welcome to join us on this thread

http://genderdreaming.com/forum/due-...2013-14-a.html

I really really think that you are better of knowing now. As hard as this is during pregnancy, with the crazy thoughts running through your head, once this baby, boy OR girl joins your family, you will have already dealt with the bulk of your gd. It will get a lot better - it just seems like an endless road now but there is a light at the end, and a very cute baby, waiting for you.

Thanks kidatheart, I've been wondering whether I'd have been better waiting till the birth to enjoy the pregnancy, but there are major disadvantages to "ruining" that moment too - there's no good time to hear what you don't want to hear. I am hoping to have dealt with it by the time I get to the birth, seems like a long road though.
X

Your not alone. Talking to other mums in this similar situation has helped me & I hope will you too. I'm pg with my 3rd DS and a crumbling mess a lot of the time, all my pg friends are having girls & I used all the tricks in the book so still can't actually figure out how this can be a boy-but I wish I could stop dwelling on that!! Deep down I know there are no more baby's in my future, but there's a twinge of hope I may get a girl one day-which makes no sense... The biggest thing is finding a way to cope, personally I'm still working on it so not much help, sorry. Just know your not alone & I wish you all the best in your pg.

Be gentle with yourselves ladies. The third baby of the same gender is brutal. In our minds we feel like we have a shot at "third times the charm!" and when it doesn't work, it is a crushing blow.

I think we also feel like we couldn't possibly see how we could make our DG when all we 'naturally' produce is the opposite gender.

Finding out DD3 was another girl was such a kick in the gut for me and 5 years later I am not disappointed she was who she is, but I still struggle with not having a boy.

As I have said to many moms having their 3rd of the same gender, be cautious about who you tell IRL. For some reason people are just stupid when it comes to comments about 3 boys or girls. If I did it all over again I wouldn't tell anyone but DH and my GD friends about DD3 being another girl. I would just lie and say 'baby wouldn't cooperate" or something like that.

Hang in there, it gets better, I promise. Once you aren't pregnant your perspective will change.

Big hugs mamas!

That's what I worry about Adia, that I won't ever really get over it and will still be longing for a girl 5, 10, 40 years from now. I wish I could find a way to turn off the longing. I love this wee boy already and he'll always be loved, like my other two, but it's the longing for a daughter I am scared of. I want to be happy for people having daughters, but I know I'll spend a week crying EVERY time it happens. I'm not sure how to cope with that. :sad:

X

What made you guys try for #3? Because you wanted the opposite gender or just wanted 3 kids? We debating a second for so long mainly me I wanted a boy with dd1 and she. We found out dd2 was a girl I don't think I could handle trying again because I just know it would be another girl :( so how did you guys decide it was time to try again.

My post didn't type right, I meant we debated on #2 for a long time. My husband wanted 2 girls so he got his wish but I wanted all boys, never had an interest in having a girl I guess because I've always been such a tomboy, I adore my daughter now, but it wasn't easy. She wanted a little sister so bad so that makes dd2 being a girl a little better

Quote:

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Originally Posted by EmmyRoo

I think we were posting at the same time mindy, thanks, it really helps so much not to feel alone. Do you think you will go HT one day or is it a placebo to get you through? I hope you feel ok soon, if atomic is able to set up this opposite forum we can help each other through. :hugs:.

X

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Well, the first few days that I started reading about it, I just kept thinking "there's no way I could go through that." But when I was faced with that reality that there would be no daughter for me, I started to wrap my head around the idea. I waited about a month before I brought it up to DH--I was so nervous. But immediatly, he was like, "I want a daughter just as much as you, so we should definitely consider it." I felt like I had won the lottery. So for now, yes it is a placebo, but it's also a very big dream that I have hope will come true some day.

We definitely don't have the income to do it, but we also aren't big spenders. We figure we can give up a few family vacations, and buy less expensive vehicles for the rest of our lives. It would be SO worth it to have our daughter.

EmmyRoo - After years on these boards, and from my own experience, the hardest time is from the time you find out (or think you 'know') to 3-4 months after birth. The pregnancy hormones are running rampant, your body isn't your own, and you're tired. Once the baby starts sleeping a little better and is smiling up a storm, the love and pride really kick in -- at least that's been my experience. I was team green but 'sure' of the gender, and then explored HT aggressively until ~3 month post-birth mark. I'm now months past that and though I did have one last consult recently, set up months ago, overall I'm doing much better emotionally. I don't know if we'll go HT - for me, yes it is a placebo for now. And I haven't mentioned it in a couple months to DH - I just haven't had that burning desire to talk about it. DH and I are the same age as you and your DH, and/but it's not even the money....it's realizing with a clearer head that I love my kids and I do have a good life. And maybe just maybe, this warm heart of happiness I have is real.

I know what you're feeling. But forecasting out how you're going to feel for the rest of your life....when I did that, turns out I was wrong. Already, I know I was wrong, and it's only been a few months. A lot changes in a few months. Your baby is REAL, your baby is YOURS, your baby is the blessing you were always, always meant to have. Other peoples' lives and other peoples' DDs have faded away in a way I didn't think was going to happen. A very close family member had a DD within days of my DS2 and even before they were born, I thought I couldn't recover from that - but boy, have I. It took time.....it wasn't a 'poof!' where one day the sky is clear and Nina Simone is playing and my heart is suddenly happy. It was day by day, living my own life, smiling and laughing and tickling my son and loving my husband. 95% of my time is spent at work or in my little world with my own family. And that life, today, this moment right here, is a good one, no matter what happens next.

Sorry I just spotted this, I don't set things up, I just show up and answer q's! ;) if you need anything set up then please contact Nuthinbutpink, she is the genius that does the technical stuff.

Thank you so much ladies, I haven't checked this thread in a few weeks, in an attempt to steer myself away from wallowing, but I really appreciate all your comments. We now have a thread in the dec/jan/feb 2014 due date board for opposites, and I'm hoping it'll really help me and others in the same situation to find the positives in our all-boy lives. I'm trying to "fake it till I make it" too, hoping if I keep telling myself this is for the best and reframing how I see boys and what I think the rest of the world thinks about having boys, eventually I'll realise it's all true. Who knows if it'll work or how long it'll take, but I'm hoping it'll be soon that I am able to forget about what others have and focus on my own blessings. DS3-to-be has started moving now, which helps a lot. I love that feeling, it makes him more real.

X