Feels like everyone favors girls....

Well, my MIL have made it perfectly clear that her daughter is the best thing that happened to her, and that boys just disappear when they get married. I dont like my SIL at all and think she have made big mistakes which have caused lot of problems in the family. MIL is of course blinded by the love for her daughter, who btw has the only girl in the family after 2 boys, rest of us all boys!
Of course she thinks that her daughter is blessed...hard to admit but yes she got her DD!

The problem is that lately it seems like EVERYONE is saying the same thing, I even read it in a book " you son is your son till he gets a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life"
We are three sisters so it is hard for me to see the dofference between sons and daughters. I met my uncle yesterday who was praising daughters and others telling how important it is to have a daughter, and that I definately should have one...well, if it just was that simple :(

Am I doomed without a daughter?? I have only met one person at my work saying she wished she had another son, bcz her son was more caring than her daughters. I keep tellig myself that if it is another boy, maybe he is this caring, loving person who us much better than a daughter...
It really bothers me that MIL must be right, and then she doesnt want me to have a daughter bcz she would like to see us suffer the way she did. Apparently she does not like her DILs.

This was a lot of babbling....
I dont know if I will be able to handle the disappointment of having another son, i only have a girl in my mind. Then I have to handle facing MIL....aaaarghh...and hiding my GD for her.....

Oh hon, I completely, COMPLETELY know where you are coming from and have grappled with similar issues myself.

When we announced this pregnancy (I had 2 ds's, aged 2 and 4) my MIL's first reaction was "can we make it a girl this time please?" Followed by "how many weeks until you find out?". I feel so pressured! Also because she had 3 boys and no girls of her own, so I feel her own GD as well as my own. I want a girl so much, but I know I will be ok with another boy in time.

Try to think of families you respect with all boys, I had to think hard but when I came up with some I felt better, imagining myself in their shoes wasn't as scary.

I don't think you are doomed at all, either way, but one road will be emotionally harder for a small time.

My ds2 is super loving and caring and I was just thinking today its so funny I was sad when we found out he was a he, but I wouldn't trade him for a girl ever.

I hope that helps. I am sort of in the same position mentally as you, and feel the same worries.

So sorry people make you feel this way. It's total bs though. Yes, it may be true in our case, we have a very strong bound with my family and DH does not speak to his mother anymore. But that is on HER not on him. I told my husband my concern about this, how I feared I might loose my sons one day. He told me that would not happen, as I am a loving, caring mother. I do what's best for them, without forcing them my way or pushing them in directions I want. I respect them, care for them and we make it our goal every day to make eachother happy. And of course we have our issues, we resolve them with communication, we explain and ask for their explanation (as far a spossible of course) in return. I think when you raise your children to become caring, loving people, who can emphasize with others, you're doing a good job. And your son will always be close to you. Not out of fear, or guilt, or whatever reason. But because they WANT to be near you. They want to have a good relationship with you. That's what I'm aiming for. And I'll aim for the same with a (hopefully) future daughter. No difference there, they are all my kids and they are all perfect to me. And what everyone else says or think, well they can either keep it to their selves or they can listen to me rant. I'd be very offended if someone would be dissapointed with the gender of MY baby. Mine and mine alone. And perfect, may I add. :hug2:

Your MIL sounds like mine (and also meeks...your comment of feeling her GD is VERY familiar - my MIL tells me that it is still her "biggest regret in life" that she didn't have a daughter and doesn't want me to make the same "mistake", as if I have control!). She actually thinks we are totally done and doesn't know we're trying...and we are going to be team green because of her, because she made so many hurtful comments and ruined happy moments (like the day of the 20 week ultrasound) when I was pregnant with our 2nd son (my FIL told DH that we had "broken his mother's heart" - ugh).

Obviously I don't have a daughter either, so I can't tell you for sure...but, no, I don't think either one of us is doomed if we have only boys. And one of my friends just found out she's having another boy and is THRILLED bc (she has both genders already, more than one of each) she didn't want anymore girls bc they're so mean to her versus her loving and affectionate boys.

I actually do kind of believe that "daughter is a daughter" saying, bc I've seen it play out so many times...however, we have each learned from that through seeing our own MILs so we can behave differently - and there ARE exceptions to every rule! I am babbling...but I guess I'm saying that I really do think it will be okay - actually, it can be *wonderful* - even if we do end up with all boys. I do understand the panic and worry you're feeling though.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again...
I think that whole thing about your daughter being your daughter is a load of hogwash...
I think it all depends on how you raise your kids.

My mother-in-law & I are VERY close...we don't even go on vacation without her. I love her & it's always been that way & I am so glad that my boys are seeing it, living it & understanding this is the way it is SUPPOSED to be.

I've also made each of them promise that they'll only marry a girl who loves their mom...lol :)

For some reason people just hate on boys. No one is excited when you give birth to a boy, but if it's a girl the comments don't stop. I'm not sure why it's like this because quite honestly - most girls I know were brutal to their parents.. including myself! I know so many guys that have great relationships with their parents and choose to spend time with them on the weekends over friends. Chances are one of our boys will be the same. I just tell DH that we'll be laughing 12 years from now when all the girls have reached the psycho teen years and are treating their parents like crap, while our boys are funny and easy going!

Oh and my dad goes to see his mother 4 times a week to care for her. She's been ill for the past 8 years and all the kids have made a schedual together so every child takes care of her. Everyday two of her kids come to care for her, no nurses or nursinghome needed. Which is unique in my homecountry, where old people are put in a home. My grandmother has 5 sons and 2 daughters, they all take care of her, lucky woman! Well maybe not just luck, maybe just very good parenting on her behalf, which makes her kids more adament to want to take care of her :) Oh and all her son in laws and daughter in laws care for her as well!

And oh yes, girls can be brutal to their parents, I know I was. But now I actually feel sorry for my MIL. If only she had done a better job parenting :( (and I'm not talking slightly bad job, I'm talking big big huge mess up on her part)

Its so crap, I feel I would be fine with a 3rd boy if it wasn't for other people. I know people will be much more excited for a girl than a boy for me but that won't make him anymore special if we have a 3rd boy....it will still be the first. And only time we have him :) I'm gonna be the best mum I can be so my boys never want to leave :) :rofl:

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Originally Posted by Cauliflower

Well, my MIL have made it perfectly clear that her daughter is the best thing that happened to her, and that boys just disappear when they get married. I dont like my SIL at all and think she have made big mistakes which have caused lot of problems in the family. MIL is of course blinded by the love for her daughter, who btw has the only girl in the family after 2 boys, rest of us all boys!
Of course she thinks that her daughter is blessed...hard to admit but yes she got her DD!

The problem is that lately it seems like EVERYONE is saying the same thing, I even read it in a book " you son is your son till he gets a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life"
We are three sisters so it is hard for me to see the dofference between sons and daughters. I met my uncle yesterday who was praising daughters and others telling how important it is to have a daughter, and that I definately should have one...well, if it just was that simple :(

Am I doomed without a daughter?? I have only met one person at my work saying she wished she had another son, bcz her son was more caring than her daughters. I keep tellig myself that if it is another boy, maybe he is this caring, loving person who us much better than a daughter...
It really bothers me that MIL must be right, and then she doesnt want me to have a daughter bcz she would like to see us suffer the way she did. Apparently she does not like her DILs.

This was a lot of babbling....
I dont know if I will be able to handle the disappointment of having another son, i only have a girl in my mind. Then I have to handle facing MIL....aaaarghh...and hiding my GD for her.....

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you know what some mil's are just horrid mine falls over backwards for my sil ans went on and on about how she'd have a daughter and give her the first granddaughter and how nice a girl would be in the family bring some balance, well she had a boy, i had the first girl but she still favours her daughters kids over mine, made no fuss over me having a girl and keeps going on that my sil will surely have a girl this time (she's just announced a bfp and waited until the day after my dd was born to do so!) and how nice it will be and you know what she will, my sil is one of those people she gets everything she wants.

i'm so fed of being compared to them, it makes me sad for mi kids that they are good enough til hers are around but i'm sick of letting it bother me - i have the family i wanted and my side of the family dote on my kids so they don't go without. whatever i do we won't be as good as them and i'm sick of trying. your mil is just picking something she knows is a sore spot and running with it, try to ignore her as long as you and your family are happy thats all that counts, yes a third of the same isn't easy but getting your dg may not please her either

I hope you dont mind me butting in, but i love my mum to bits, but we are not close, she has always favoured my brother (if i had time to write you a list i would!) and is the same with his son over my daughters.

I dont believe that saying, its all about how you treat your kids that makes the difference when they are older - my brother is always just popping in to my mums, i go round every sunday morning so i dont get told off!!

(I hope that helps!)

Xxx

I think the saying is crap too. My brother talks to my mom (who lives 2 hours from him and 25 minutes from me) more than I do. He texts her every single night and chats about the day. He loves on her and adores her. He is in a serious long-term relationship, so it's not like he doesn't have a significant other. But he loves his mom. I also love my mom, but I am crazy-independent and can go for days without talking to her. We can relate on some regards, naturally. But I think that both of my brothers relate to her on similar levels. My dad is also very close to his mom. And one of his three sisters is totally out of the picture. She is flighty and flaky and doesn't really interact with her parents at all.

I do truly believe it has to do with your parenting and your children's personalities. Sure, some boys disappear a bit when they get married. But the same is true for some girls (my aunts two sons both live close to her and visit constantly, her daughter lives 500 miles away and they only see each other two times a year). I don't think there is an across the board on this one. You may have a daughter who hates you (sorry, it's true, for anyone!). You may have a son who thinks you hung the moon. Your daughter may be a transgender and decide to live as a man (happened to Cher). Your son might not marry and stay close to you his entire life. All of your kids could move 300 miles away.

There are no guarantees. It's all a gamble. A gamble of personalities and life experiences and relationships. I don't think that all-boy moms are doomed. At all. I think they are blessed in lots of ways. My grandma "gained" a daughter when my dad married my mom. My mom was motherless by the time she was 20. And my grandma totally stepped in and they love each other like biological mother-and-daughter. In fact, my moms MIL (my grandma) saw me be born :) And that was the only birth she experienced. Even though she has three daughters.

I guess I am lucky and have tons of real life examples of the variables of gender and how it plays out in families. I never truly feared not having a daughter. Sure, I wanted one (duh, otherwise I wouldn't be here and wouldn't have swayed). But I don't think I ever felt that my life would be less blessed without one. And I do think that these people who act like their daughters are the best, at the expense of their sons, created that dynamic. They pushed their sons aside and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sons are sons for life. Some are closer than others. But that is true no matter what.

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Originally Posted by Mrs_P

you know what some mil's are just horrid mine falls over backwards for my sil ans went on and on about how she'd have a daughter and give her the first granddaughter and how nice a girl would be in the family bring some balance, well she had a boy, i had the first girl but she still favours her daughters kids over mine, made no fuss over me having a girl and keeps going on that my sil will surely have a girl this time (she's just announced a bfp and waited until the day after my dd was born to do so!) and how nice it will be and you know what she will, my sil is one of those people she gets everything she wants.

i'm so fed of being compared to them, it makes me sad for mi kids that they are good enough til hers are around but i'm sick of letting it bother me - i have the family i wanted and my side of the family dote on my kids so they don't go without. whatever i do we won't be as good as them and i'm sick of trying. your mil is just picking something she knows is a sore spot and running with it, try to ignore her as long as you and your family are happy thats all that counts, yes a third of the same isn't easy but getting your dg may not please her either

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I can totally relate to you, both SIL and MIL are alike, and they are always together, and the favoring part is mutual. Her children are favored over all the other kids. It hurts. But FIL, DH and BIL are such nice persons. It is true that she has pushed them away and that is why she is soo good froends with her daughter.

What bothers me is why I am thinking about how to face them if I get another son. I know it is not worth it, and yes it is the spot :( she is telling people how her sons never will be blessed with a daughter, bcz they treated her so bad (which is just in her mind). And it has been" true" for her second son, he has 3 boys! I just dont want to see that grin on her face if we get another too :(

I know I should rather focus on my family instead of them, but cant avoid. My DS1 is amazing, he is a small grown up, so affectionate and sensitive. He loves me so much...So I hope our relationship cn be as strong when he is a grown up man. I believe too that it is all about parenting and how you raise the kids.

What matters is our kids personalities, not what is between their legs! I keep telling myself that ;)

Thank you all, your words give comfort, make sense and means a lot to me. So glad I found genderdreaming!

Xxxx

Im so sorry sweety you have to go through this....wish I could hug you...you sound like such a genuinely nice person...how can your mil be mean to you is beyond me. If its any help, Im really hoping and praying this little one is a boy so my son can get a brother and I can have someone to take care of me in old age. Yes , in our culture boys are always favored over girls because we know all boys have a special place in their hearts for their mumsies and also because we raise them in a way where they know that they will have to care for us always.

I'm definitely feeling the same at the moment - I was the last girl born in the family we have since had 14 boys on the trot including mine and more recently my nephew so I am definitely feeling the pressure to have a girl - also my mother in law only had sons and nephews so is desperate for a grand-daughter. I feel like I have everyone else's disappointment on my shoulders as well as my own.

I also feel everyone around me tends to favour girls as well. All my friends have girls and go on about how they couldn't possibly cope with a son (they are all on their first so one of them will probably have to) and the other day when picking my eldest up from nursery the mums were all going on about how much easier it is to have girls and how great all the pretty summer dresses are (they all have either PP or all girls). I actually think all these things are making my gender desire worse than what it would be.:sigh:

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Originally Posted by OnlyPraying

Im so sorry sweety you have to go through this....wish I could hug you...you sound like such a genuinely nice person...how can your mil be mean to you is beyond me. If its any help, Im really hoping and praying this little one is a boy so my son can get a brother and I can have someone to take care of me in old age. Yes , in our culture boys are always favored over girls because we know all boys have a special place in their hearts for their mumsies and also because we raise them in a way where they know that they will have to care for us always.

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Thank you for such kind words!
I am also from a culture where boys are favored and I was so happy that DS2 was a boy. But all of the sudden, my MIL generation has started favoring girls. They are so disappointed with there sons, because their expectation from their sons and DILs are skyhigh! NOTHING is good enough. And the expectations from their daughters are zero. At least that is what I experinced...

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Originally Posted by Everyonehasgirls

I'm definitely feeling the same at the moment - I was the last girl born in the family we have since had 14 boys on the trot including mine and more recently my nephew so I am definitely feeling the pressure to have a girl - also my mother in law only had sons and nephews so is desperate for a grand-daughter. I feel like I have everyone else's disappointment on my shoulders as well as my own.

I also feel everyone around me tends to favour girls as well. All my friends have girls and go on about how they couldn't possibly cope with a son (they are all on their first so one of them will probably have to) and the other day when picking my eldest up from nursery the mums were all going on about how much easier it is to have girls and how great all the pretty summer dresses are (they all have either PP or all girls). I actually think all these things are making my gender desire worse than what it would be.:sigh:

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That is what cuts me the most.....my only girl group makes the comments that slice to my core. I have chosen to find out gender, but they will only know it when he pops out!!! I will get a single comment on his arrival, a girl would be complimented for the next year, showered with gifts, etc. I am choosing to celebrate for this boy and be excited for him.....and if need be, will retract into being a winter hermit and savour him if they can't see what a blessing he is.

I hope that lady luck is on your side and you get to experience both genders!!!

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Originally Posted by I Love Ladybugs

That is what cuts me the most.....my only girl group makes the comments that slice to my core. I have chosen to find out gender, but they will only know it when he pops out!!! I will get a single comment on his arrival, a girl would be complimented for the next year, showered with gifts, etc. I am choosing to celebrate for this boy and be excited for him.....and if need be, will retract into being a winter hermit and savour him if they can't see what a blessing he is.

I hope that lady luck is on your side and you get to experience both genders!!!

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Thank you! And your 3rd boy will make his special place in your heart and be this wonderful lovely person that nobody can ignore regardless of gender!
3 of same gender is so much fun, we are 3 sisters and best friends forever. That is actually the only comfort I have, when Si think that I will end up with 3 boys. I really hope they can have the same as me and my sisters have.

Big hug
Xxx

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Originally Posted by Cauliflower

Thank you for such kind words!
I am also from a culture where boys are favored and I was so happy that DS2 was a boy. But all of the sudden, my MIL generation has started favoring girls. They are so disappointed with there sons, because their expectation from their sons and DILs are skyhigh! NOTHING is good enough. And the expectations from their daughters are zero. At least that is what I experinced...

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My pleasure dear, no need to thank me. I DEF know about never being good enough for the inlaws. In the end, all you can do is try your best, focus on your boys and compensate for the love and attention they are missing out from the inlaws, they will prefer you over them and you can laugh all the way to your sweet and caring son's homes when theyre all grown up. Chin up sis, like they say, Tigers don't lose sleep over what the sheep thinks ;)

I definitely, 100% agree, you raise people, not genders, and if we raise our boys well, they will stay in our lives more than if we fail them. I do also think that inevitably all kids get married or partnered up or move away so we probably need to deal with that at some point anyway. I do worry about one day being a MIL myself, and that I may not be the 'chosen' grandparent as priority. BUT I think I will be a better MIL exactly because I'm worried about how good I will be.

Its easy to get swept up in gender desire when its in the family and culture in which we live, for sure. I would love a girl to try at least one of each sex, and to experience the mother daughter bond, which is different to boys and their mums, not less, just different.

Anyone hearing that 'girls are better' and 'who wants a boy?" can come over to my house and live my life for a while.

I constantly hear how hard girls are....poor me and DH with 3 girls....are we ever going to try for a boy....and other such un-welcome comments!

And then their is MIL and FIL. They came into town last week...I am so used to their comments of "when are going to have a boy? or Why don't you have a boy??" I was floored when MIL didn't say anything when she had the chance.

I asked DH later and he said MIL started in on him when I was gone and he very sweetly told her that she was to keep those comments to herself.

DH was great and I was so impressed because I was completely expecting MIL to start in on me about not having a boy like she always does!!

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Originally Posted by Adia

Anyone hearing that 'girls are better' and 'who wants a boy?" can come over to my house and live my life for a while.

I constantly hear how hard girls are....poor me and DH with 3 girls....are we ever going to try for a boy....and other such un-welcome comments!

And then their is MIL and FIL. They came into town last week...I am so used to their comments of "when are going to have a boy? or Why don't you have a boy??" I was floored when MIL didn't say anything when she had the chance.

I asked DH later and he said MIL started in on him when I was gone and he very sweetly told her that she was to keep those comments to herself.

DH was great and I was so impressed because I was completely expecting MIL to start in on me about not having a boy like she always does!!

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That's why I think gender doesn't matter. Some people just get a kick out of saying rude things. And isn't it the easiest thing to hurt someone with regards to their family? Anyone can guess you want a boy, as anyone can guess I want a girl. Dumb, simple, rude people like to play with other people's minds, only for them to feel better about their own sad lives. Shame on them!

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Originally Posted by Adia

Anyone hearing that 'girls are better' and 'who wants a boy?" can come over to my house and live my life for a while.

I constantly hear how hard girls are....poor me and DH with 3 girls....are we ever going to try for a boy....and other such un-welcome comments!

And then their is MIL and FIL. They came into town last week...I am so used to their comments of "when are going to have a boy? or Why don't you have a boy??" I was floored when MIL didn't say anything when she had the chance.

I asked DH later and he said MIL started in on him when I was gone and he very sweetly told her that she was to keep those comments to herself.

DH was great and I was so impressed because I was completely expecting MIL to start in on me about not having a boy like she always does!!

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It is not about gender, is it? It is about taunting people! Playing with their emotions and soft spots!
We are three sisters and our mum told me to pray for a brother.
We grew up to be the most well educated and well mannered girls in our family, and our parents are so proud of us. They dont miss having a boy now!

I think it is just that we want to experience both genders, not that the ones we have are not able to make us content and happy....

Your MIL is mean, just like mine. We should just ignore them!

Hugs
Xxxx

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Originally Posted by Dana-Alicia

That's why I think gender doesn't matter. Some people just get a kick out of saying rude things. And isn't it the easiest thing to hurt someone with regards to their family? Anyone can guess you want a boy, as anyone can guess I want a girl. Dumb, simple, rude people like to play with other people's minds, only for them to feel better about their own sad lives. Shame on them!

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MIL still went on about her other DS's sons (she has 5 sons including DH and 2 DD)...it really as is if the girls just don't count. It is beyond stupid and makes them look really dumb and uneducated....not to mention lacking manners.

I know FOR A FACT that MIL had hoped one of her younger DS was a girl because she didn't get along well with her other girls....but its all a game to them. She pushes us having boys because FIL says he need grandsons to carry on the family name. Hate to tell them but my DDs are already more accomplished and open minded than all of their grandsons...and my girls are young!

I usually ignore them but this TTC journey has been so heartbreaking that I was completely bracing for the shit they give me every time I see them...but DH took care of it for me and that makes me so proud of him.

Yeah, the crap people give about gender is a reflection of their own issues, its just hard to remember that in the trenches of GD.

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Originally Posted by Cauliflower

It is not about gender, is it? It is about taunting people! Playing with their emotions and soft spots!
We are three sisters and our mum told me to pray for a brother.
We grew up to be the most well educated and well mannered girls in our family, and our parents are so proud of us. They dont miss having a boy now!

I think it is just that we want to experience both genders, not that the ones we have are not able to make us content and happy....

Your MIL is mean, just like mine. We should just ignore them!

Hugs
Xxxx

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I think you are right. MIL and FIL had 2DD and 5 DS so they feel superior to those of us who can only produce one gender. They are in an extreme religion that teaches them they have all the answers and anyone who dares to leave the religion (such as DH and I) will be punished....3 girls & no boys is our punishment.....

As of a few months ago I am the only DD or DIL that hasn't produced a son...if they want me to feel inferior for that they will have to go elsewhere.

I am not a failure because I have all girls. Already my my kids are better educated, more well rounded, more well mannered kids than all of their cousins!

I have to agree with you, I just want to experience both genders. I am so happy to have girls, if I had had all boys I would desperately want a girl.

Cauliflower - I am so glad you posted this. The 'saying' has been rolling around in my mind since I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant with our second son (and last, no more babies for us). Many tears have been shed over that saying.

Luckily for me I didn't have the family pressure for a girl like you have - in fact quite the opposite. A boy is a rare thing on my side of the family. Gender disappointment is not, my grandmother wished my mum - her third and final child, was a boy and my mum wished that I was a boy (only child, not by choice). So DS one has been like the 'golden child' and it seemed everyone (my mum, my husband, my son) wanted another boy. So amongst their cheers and happiness I've felt quite alone and misunderstood in my disappointment.

My son is gorgeous, love him to pieces and it's not like I wanted a girl to dress-up and play tea parties with ... I've always been a bit of a tomboy and am actually more at home around cars than I am around dollies.

But, I wanted that bond later in life. I wanted to have the same relationship to a daughter that I have with my mum and SIL and MIL share. It doesn't help that I think about the men in my family (and as I said before ... there aren't many) and the relationships they have with their mothers and it saddens me.

My dad ignores his mother. Despite her not living very far away, will go months without seeing her and to see her is like a chore to him. Granted the woman is not perfect, but she has not done him any terrible 'injustice' to ruin their relationship.

I feel so terribly silly that the baby isn't even out of my womb and yet I'm stressing about what is going to happen 20 years into the future - it's almost like I'm grieving a loss of a relationship already when it hasn't even begun.

I'm sorry I've probably gone on a bit of a ramble too. I don't think we are doomed without daughters - maybe just doomed by trying to meet the expectations of close minded people. I wish you the best and hope your MIL keeps her meddling to herself.

Thank you for sharing your stories! Helps me a lot when I am TTC and have bad GD...
Xxxx