No more 'one day'

I had my 4th boy 6 weeks ago. I had my first experience of gender desire and disappointment when I was pregnant. But we had planned on having at least one more, no matter what the gender was. After we found out we were having another boy, DH started hinting at being done, and would joke to people about having 'the snip' I hoped he'd come around, and after my youngest was born in October, I knew whatever the gender of number 5 would be, I'd be ok because I love my baby boy so much. I mean I love my others, but I was worried I wouldn't bond or love the baby due to the GD. But I do and wouldn't swap him for a girl now. I just hoped that 'one day' we'd get that girl.
Last night DH confirmed that he didn't want any more! Thats it, dream over. I will NEVER have a daughter, and all though GD feelings are coming back up.
How do you get over the fact that its no longer something thats been delayed from 'this baby is my girl' to 'that baby could be my girl' (and I do know I could have had a 5th boy but I drew comfort from the hope) but that the options been taken away?

And he insists theres no chance of a girl, that his cousin had a test on his sperm and only produces girls so had a vasectomy and that because the history in his family of one man in each generation only having boys that he must only produce boys. Doesnt matter what research says about all men making both because his cousin had that test and so the research is obviously wrong and his cousin is right.

Well, men make sperm 50/50 so that is just not true at all. The body makes both by design.

I am sorry that you don't get a chance with number 5. Is there any way HT is an option. The gender guarantee has a way of convincing people that you can try again. It's the ony way to know what you are getting and sometimes men do better with facts than what if's.

I'm sorry you are down.

I don't think HT would be a possibility for us just because of the cost. We'd only get one go at it, if I didn't fall pregnant that would be it.
He said he'd 'have to get tested' but I said theres no point. I know all men produce equal amounts of each gender, but I said whats the point if he doesn't want any more. I didn't want another just for a girl, but was hopeful that 5 would be our lucky number.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak right now. Could you talk to your dh and ask him to wait at least a year or 18 months before getting the snip? I only say this because a lot of men get this way right after a new baby. They worry about money, the lack of sleep, they usually have to help with the older kids while mom is taking care of newborn. And for a lot of guys this cuts into their "downtime". My sister's best friend went through this about a year ago, she had just had her third son and the best friend's hubby was done and done, even though they had just talked about having one more down the road. He ended up waiting, they are trying as of now but who knows, sometimes just getting him to back off the snip talk will at least buy you some time. Even if he doesn't change his mind right away, he isn't doing anything drastic right now. Good luck!

I'm really sorry :( My husband doesn't really want any more after this one either. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and don't know the gender yet so the thought of not getting another chance is killing me. I really hope your husband comes around. Does he know about your gender desire/disappointment? Maybe he doesn't fully understand it...I bet if he was in the position of not having his desired gender he might feel the same way.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am sure this puts some stress on your marriage as well seeing you both sort of want two different things at the moment. I do agree with purplemonkey, though. Try and see if your dh will wait and not make a quick decision to get the snip and you both practice careful birth control so there are no ooppsies. Maybe in a year or so when things have cooled down/settled down he might be more willing to have another child or just think about it. That way you both have had time to cool down and think about things and this way no quick decision to get fixed has been made and you both at least have made some effort to take eachother's feelings into consideration. At the end of the day you both need to be happy/satisfied with the end decision, otherwise there will be a lot of resentment about the decision.

Dh was this way after dd1. We had always talked about having 2 or 3 children and we would stop at two if we had a boy and a girl. After dd1 was born, dh was 100% ready to not have anymore kids, to the point where even if I brought up ttc it would turn into an argument. When dd1 turned about 8 months, he started to become more open to the idea of having another but he wasn't 100% agreeable. When dd1 was 9 months, dd2 was conceived (first month trying). After the reality of having 2 kids, finances, childcare hit him, he initially became slightly resentful because it really wasn't what he wanted or so he thought. When things cooled down/settled and saw that we could manage 2 kids and it wasn't as bad as he thought, he was a lot better and happier. When dd2 turned 1 we started having the ttc talk, and for a while he was hesitant but willing. We have been ttc #3 for almost a year now, and he wants another child just as much as I do..lol.

At the end of the day, you both have to come to some sort of an agreement where you both are satisified, other wise there will be a lot of anger and resentment.

Good luck, hope things turn out the way you want them to.

I have to second what the others are saying. If you can ask him to hold off on the snip then that buys you some time.

Planning the next baby while you are cooking the current baby sends men into a tizzy.

DH was adamant that their may not be a DC4 when I had horrid GD with DD3 and right after she was born. But now that we have been trying for DC4 for so long, he realized he really wants another one as much as I do.

Thanks for all your advice. I know I'm probably more sensitive having only had a baby 6 weeks ago anyway.
He has wanted a daughter all along, he has been convinced each time that we'd be getting our girl, and on the way to the gender scan with DS4 he admitted he was scared incase we heard boy again. It was after that scan that he started changing his mind.
He had said when DS3 was born that if we had a gap or 3-4 years then we could try for another close age gap between numbers 4 and 5. But after the scan he started to say he thought 4 was enough. Then one day, after looking on here about swaying (we hadn't swayed before) I asked him if we could try again, even if it meant waiting till we moved in a few years, and try to sway. His reply was simply "how can I make a girl?" and that was it.
I wanted a closer gap like we had between DS1 and 2, but am prepared to wait if it means I get another shot. I just don't feel my family is complete yet, boy or girl, I still feel theres another child for us.
I've not mentioned it again as I don't want it to be something we argue over and cause a stress to our relationship. As long as he doesn't announce he is going to have anything done yet then I'll wait a while to bring it up again.
I don't think it helps that his mother was not pleased to hear number 4 was on the way.

Based on your latest post, I wonder if he is feeling a sense of failure and it's keeping him from wanting to try again. Like the kid who falls off the bike 2-3 times in a row and doesn't want to ride anymore.

If he is really wanting a girl and keeps hearing boy, he might feel it's 'better' to not try than be disappointed again. And when you pile that onto the typical worries guys have about money, time, energy, etc, he might just be thinking he wants to "cut his losses" and not go for the fifth. It sounds like he wants to protect himself emotionally and really is convinced he can't have girls.

I think the advice is the same. Let it drop for a while, with him not making a permanent move and using good BC practices. Then, down the line, try a conversation about it. About how there is not a test on sperm to determine what a man "shoots" and that you would love to help him try for a girl one last time. That you can work through the feelings if it's another boy. And most importantly, that it's not on him that he hasn't had a girl yet and it's no "failure."

My husband was resistant to swaying girl at first because, in his mind, if we tried and failed it would be worse than if we just got another a boy by luck. I had to talk about that with him and it turned out that even though I was the one with a strong desire, he was feeling the pressure and was afraid of how we both would react if it was another boy. Sometimes, I think men try to stick this stuff in a little box and not deal with the real emotional aspects. So he might just be shutting all those feelings down by saying "I just don't want to try again."

I hope it works out for you guys!!

confusing bloody men. yesterday afternoon he mentioned having a girl so I pointed out he didnt want a baby at all and he said "not while we are living here there would be no room for her" and then later last night he was talking about when DS4 is older and there was no mention of a baby.

mmm, men are from mars and women are from venus!!

He has said when we move we can have one more. But that will all depend when we can move as he is already 45, so if its not in a year or 2 then I doubt it will happen.

Just a quick idea- in terms of buying a bit of time. My husband is going for snip as 3 is more than enough for him ( he only ever wanted 2 and it took me years to persuade/bully him into number 3).
I got a friends husband to chat to him- he had a very painful vasectomy! It's made my husband decide to 'postpone'- for a few months anyway.

Tee hee hee.

I know it's not a long term solution but it means its not final just yet ; )