gutted. thinking about options.

Hi Ladies,
I just found out i am having a 4th boy after 18 years of waiting it still is not to be for me and i am not sure i can do this again. I am seriously considering my options and realise now i should not have gone for a sway after hi tec failed. DH is gutted and i think this will finish us as its his first baby and i don't want it. I am 13.5 weeks and had the harmony test. I do not think i can get an abortion even though i really want to and i can't try again as this will be my 4th c section. i just don't want to do this again, i have found the 3 boys i have really difficult to raise and i was nearing the end. I said at the beginning of this relationship i did not want any more as i only wanted a girl. After hi tec failed DH was so sad i allowed myself to be convinced that a sway would work, but as he has dodgy sperm we had to give up most sway stuff to even get pregnant at all and now i realise i should have just said no. I have booked myself in for some counselling, but it won't change the fact that i'm having a boy. I think this will be the end for us as i just am not able to share this with him as i feel so angry and i now have to go through this pregnancy and another c section at 38 for a baby i don't want.:tissue:

Aww, hun,
I didn't want to read and run, but I also can imagine that not much is going to make you feel better at the moment.
I am sure though, that if you hadn't have tried for this baby, then you would always have regretted it for DH. Its lovely that you will have a baby together.
I know its easy to feel and say that you don't want this baby now, but I am sure that in a years time you wouldn't be able to imagine life without DS4. Give it a bit of time for you to get over the shock and I am sure in a week or so you will feel a little different.
I really feel for you and wish I could say more to help. You obviously do a fab job at raising boys!!
We are all here for you xxx

As your DH does not have any children is he okay with having a DS? You may find that raising a child with a hands on father and intact home is much easier than your other boys. As hard as it is try to think of the positives. Maybe this baby boy will be the Momma's boy that mows your lawn and runs your errands when you're old. Maybe he will be just like you and a buddy for shopping, cooking, whatever you enjoy.

He very well may be the little love of your life. First, you have to believe this may be true.

All of that being said....I'm on here for a reason. When I had DS2, I recall wanting to miscarry so I could have another go. The gender disappointment was so severe. It lasted until he was about six months and we really bonded. He was such a fussy baby. Now he makes me laugh everyday, sleeps with me (sneaks in) each night, and is the first volunteer to run errands with me. I too was gutted and thought things that I had never thought before and cannot imagine today. This is the place to mention cutting off your husband's balls, tying up your first three boys and wishing DS4 didn't exist ;) I think it is great that you realize you have GD. Now that I have gone HT I imagine it is amplified.

Jen I am firstly so sorry that it didn't work out and secondly I just wanted to let you know I totally understand where you are coming from...I had a 13year age gap between ds2 and 3 and I could not believe I had waited so long and now had to go thru another pregnancy and birth and babyhood for another boy. It was like my uterus was only 2 days away from retirement and I thought, well at the least this way if something goes wrong I won't care. :( now of course 6 years later I would not trade him or DS 4 for anything.

I think one child as a functional only child is going to be a whole different ball game than raising 3 boys together and this baby can be a fresh start for you with kiddos - raising one with your new partner in this new scenario with experience being a mom is going to be a lot easier. 18 years ago you were but a girl and 3 boys can be a challenge at any age, but you're an expert mum now and I while I do TOTALLY understand what you're going thru I just want to give you hope that things can be better and different.

I feel your pain. I felt the exact same way almost a year ago when I found out my 4th was another boy. My other boys were 11, 9 and 6 and I already felt like I was starting all over as it was and then for it to be another dreaded boy. Let me tell you my older boys are awful. They fight CONSTANTLY. With most families when you take one kid out of the equation (one goes to a friends, etc) it gets better but not in my house. It was constant turmoil. I always felt like a freak show anytime I ever went anywhere because they were always acting up and I was always getting on to them. Their dad and I are married but he is useless on the discipline front and our boys do not respect his authority at all because he has always relied on me to deal with it. When I found out this was another boy I locked myself in our bedroom and SOBBED for at least 2 days. I didn't leave the house for a week and cried all the time. I feel A little bad now because I didn't even try to hide my disappointment of another boy from my other boys. It was awful the only way that I could even describe the pain I felt is to compare is to compare it to the death of a loved one, I felt that bad. Up until I found out he was a boy I really felt a connection to the baby and all of a sudden I didn't even like it anymore. I resented him for my being pregnant and dreaded the rest of the pregnancy and loathed the fact that I had to pick another boy name.

The best advice I can give you is to say that it is ok to feel awful about having another boy, it really is. It is ok to dread having 4 boys and to think about how horrible you think it will be. I think that this is part of the process to healing your heart. Just. Don't make any decisions during all of the pain you are going through. Take the time to be sad and upset and when you finally feel like you are at a point of acceptance then think about your options.

I will say that for me that it got better as time went on. The more I prepared for him the better I felt. It was really hard for me to refer to him as a "he" while I was pregnant and right afterwards I said "the baby" because it felt to definite to say he. After he was born I really struggled deciding on a name because frankly I didn't want to name another boy. And didn't decide on one until an hour before we were released from the hospital.

This all sounds really gloomy so I want to let you know that things changed a lot for me. Somehow with the birth of the new baby my older boys found this sense of responsibility that they had never had. Sure they still fight but not as much as they did. I still feel like a freak show when we go out but now it is because we have 4 boys and people always notice when there are 4 but my kids are acting better. I think it is because they just know (partly because I've told them) that there are too many of them for me to deal with and that they have to behave because I can tolerate nothing else. They all love to help and show off their little brother and I don't think that I could ever love a baby more. There is something about knowing that he is the last that make me love and cherish him even more. It will get better, which I know is really hard to hear and accept but it will and hopefully you will reach a point too where you really don't know what you would do if you would have had a girl because there is something really special about having 4 boys that you would have missed out on. If I could go back I would do everything exactly the same.

Good luck with your baby, he truly is a blessing!

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. I am expecting my second boy, and with just under 3 months to go I still struggle to refer to the baby as 'he'. I always say 'it' or 'they' even when speaking to dh. I thought that this would pass quicker, but I feel like I'm clinging onto the gd for some reason. I hear stories of people who had been told they were having a boy, only to deliver a girl and I feel hope. Makes me feel wracked with guilt! The jealousy I feel when all these other baby girl announcements are made is so strong that I hope that anyone I know who is pregnant has a boy too, as if it makes a difference to me!? Anyway rambling aside as I know this isn't helping but just want you know that you are far from alone in your situation and I'm sending you big hugs. If there is one thing we can not do that is to decide on our feelings as much as I wish we could!! You will come to terms with this somehow and I hope you and your partner are ok Xxxx

So sorry honey. I had horrid GD with DD3 so I can relate to all those feelings.

I am 38 also and trying to sway boy for ages now. If I end up with another girl I know it will gut me but this is my last baby and a huge amount of begging and bargaining with DH has been the only way to keep trying.

Hang in there. So many of us understand what you are going through. I have to agree with other posters. Raising a baby at our age should be a TOTALLY different experience than raising kids in our 20's. I had DD1 too young and never really got to enjoy being her mom but with my other DDs I have actually ENJOYED being their mommy. Age has some advantages. :wink:

Huge hugs. We're here to help any support whatever you decide to do.:hugs: I applaud you for getting counseling. It can be a wonderful thing when you are in a dark place.

thanks for trying to help ladies,
I already have 3 lovely boys who will look after me and mow the lawn, they do not fill the huge DD hole in my heart. I never even wanted a boy at all, always a girl. I am sure he will be lovely and i will love him, but i will stand again on the rugby pitch put of love and duty not pleasure and all day long i will raise the beautiful DDs of others 12 hours a day 5 days a week for the next 20 years, feeling the same heart ache and longing i have for the past 20 years. I do not want to turn my body, that has betrayed me again, over to a boy i do not want and then have a massive operation that will take months of recovery and at the end still feel cheated robbed and bereft. I still have problems with raising Ds3 and he is 11, i have done this and i don't enjoy it. I know parent hood is not all about enjoyment and self satisfaction, but surely it should have some. i do not think i can bear to listen to any more stories about guns and shooting and superheroes. i am sick of having a house full of boys and attending and doing boy parties, and in the future i have to look forward to always being the mother in law. great! it's not the MIL who goes wedding dress shopping or is there when the babies are born. My DHs reaction also re affirms to me how different we always are and will be. he has not even been to see his mum. just told her by text that he is sad because its a boy. I raise children all day every day so i totally know what i am missing out on, which makes it even harder.:broken:

I am very sorry. Just wanted to say that when something in life makes me really deeply sad and there is no way of chancing the situation that it always "helps" me one tiny little bit to know that someday, when some time has passed, I will feel better. You will feel better and you will grow to love this little man - but yes, probably not at the moment - it may take months or years - but it will be better than today someday in the future!!
You will not always be as sad and as gutted as today.

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Originally Posted by jen75

thanks for trying to help ladies,
I already have 3 lovely boys who will look after me and mow the lawn, they do not fill the huge DD hole in my heart. I never even wanted a boy at all, always a girl. I am sure he will be lovely and i will love him, but i will stand again on the rugby pitch put of love and duty not pleasure and all day long i will raise the beautiful DDs of others 12 hours a day 5 days a week for the next 20 years, feeling the same heart ache and longing i have for the past 20 years. I do not want to turn my body, that has betrayed me again, over to a boy i do not want and then have a massive operation that will take months of recovery and at the end still feel cheated robbed and bereft. I still have problems with raising Ds3 and he is 11, i have done this and i don't enjoy it. I know parent hood is not all about enjoyment and self satisfaction, but surely it should have some. i do not think i can bear to listen to any more stories about guns and shooting and superheroes. i am sick of having a house full of boys and attending and doing boy parties, and in the future i have to look forward to always being the mother in law. great! it's not the MIL who goes wedding dress shopping or is there when the babies are born. My DHs reaction also re affirms to me how different we always are and will be. he has not even been to see his mum. just told her by text that he is sad because its a boy. I raise children all day every day so i totally know what i am missing out on, which makes it even harder.:broken:

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First off hugs. I had bad GD when I found out my 4th was a boy. He was supposed to be my last. He is the light of my life. I can't imagine my life without him. I had both my MIL and my mom go shopping with me for my wedding dress. My MIL was there right after my second son was born. Her first grandchild my mom was watching my oldest son. With my third neither of them came until after he was born. My mother took me to the hospital with my 4th my husband was on a train working. He almost did not make it. My Mil watched the kids. With my 5th my MIL watched the kids again and my mom came to the hospital. I would not have cared if the roles were reversed. My MIL is retired and my mom did not know if she could get time off of since she started a new position so that is why she did not watch the kids. My MIL was there within a few hours of each birth. Sometimes I feel closer to my MIL then my mom. My husband and is his brother are close to their mom. I had my MIL and my mom come to ultrasounds. My MIL was first to know about my 5th pregnancy besides my husband and one friend. Many people do not like their MIL, but I like my MIL and let her be part of all the events in our lives. I just want to let you know that not all DIL's will leave you out. I learned from my MIL to make sure your family knows you are there for them, but do not step on toes. She does not tell me how to parent etc. She does not make judgements. I want to be like her when my sons get married.


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Your feelings really resonate with me because I considered termination when I found out I was pregnant with dd3. The minute I conceived the pregnancy I prayed every night that I would miscarry if it was a girl so I could try again for a boy. When I found out that it was another girl I sobbed my heart out and even got on the phone to abortion clinics to find out what cut off periods etc i had to be aware of. My husband was horrified. I could not help it, it was like mad grief had taken over. I was in denial most of the pregnancy and even when I gave birth I asked that they confirm the gender as I was hoping for something else. She is now three weeks old and my husband and I are struggling to name her. I love her, yes. But sometimes I find myself looking her face and I feel a tinge of sadness for the son I don't have. Hubby and I have briefly discussed having #4 but has told me that he can't go through it again with me if we find out it is another girl. Hi tech isn't an option because he doesn't believe it in. I am sure my love for this child will continue to grow, but I can't help but envy those who have boys.

I just want to say this thread broke my heart. I feel for you, really, I do. I can't even begin to understand how you feel. I have 3 boys, and twice I prayed to hear 'it's a girl' but it never came, but I honestly loved my boys regardless, never failing to bond, I was a bit sad I wasn't having my little girl, but I also knew in my heart things happen because they are meant to be and I was meant to have every single one of them, so there was a lot of acceptance of my part for whatever little life was there, I knew it would be welcome. I just couldn't read your post and not say anything, I wish I could give you some comfort and say that all will be well, to please focus on what's positive about this pregnancy and your family. I know there are stereotypes about boys and girls and yes, I always wanted to have a daughter so we could do girlie stuff, I guess I was lucky enough to have sons and share my taste in music and hobbies, so we still did lots together that I enjoyed, but it had to come from me to pull them into my world as well. I'm sorry you can't seem to find that with your boys. Please, don't take this as criticism because it's not meant that way, but maybe you do need some serious counselling or even a psychologist to learn to see things differently or adjust your expectations. You can't be in this pit of misery because you still have a family who depends on you and needs you. I'm sure your DH and your boys would feel much better if you could accept it and move forward. I am against judging tough decisions because only the one who makes them knows how much it hurts, and termination is an option, but how will that affect your relationship with DH? What about your relationship with your boys? Before doing anything I would definitely look for emotional support and counselling, someone who could help you change the negative way you see this pregnancy and even having your boys. In the end, GD is ALL in your mind, and that can be changed and re-shaped. I had psychological help for other issues in my life, including relationships and I didn't trust much some stranger would help me, but believe me, they do. Maybe you can even have medication to help you cope and assimilate, after all you sound depressed. Please, search for help and don't do anything you might regret later. My heart really aches for you and I pray you can find some light in the end of the tunnel. :heart:

This is a hard post to read and run from. So sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think there's anything anyone can say to make you feel better. I think we can all understand to a certain degree how you feel. I was angry when I found out ds3 was a boy. I just thought great, I'm pregnant, and for another boy! But he's just perfect. Things do change. You just need to allow youself to be angry right now.
As for the future, my mil is a bit of a selfish person. Not really maternal at all. She has 2 sons, one never sees her. She used to say to me my boys will grow up and I'll know how she feels...because 'I have just boys too'. But what a load of rubbish that is. Her boys don't see her often because she doesn't put any effort in. She said to me last week that I'll be ok now I'm having a daughter....as if I wouldn't be bothered about never seeing my sons now!! Crazy!! Of course I will be. I intend to be a cool mil so my sons wives want to spend time with us. I'll make sure we always have a relationship and so can you. You won't be left alone.
Being pregnant with all the extra hormones doesn't help either. They have a lot to answer for!
I really hope you start to feel better soon. Your situation is a tough one but you will feel better once he's here. X x

I am so terribly sorry you are going through this and feel like this. Please, please do not take anything I say in a negative way because it is not meant as such!! First, I am so sorry you heard boy again! We all know too well the ache in our hearts for a certain gender and what it is like to not ever get to experience that (that's why we are here!). I am fortunate to where I love my DS2 to pieces...but I was still always thinking about that baby girl I didn't have. Who knows, if this last one is a boy I may always think about it. So, hugs to you!
Second, and most important...it sounds like the abortion thing is not a possibility and I just hope it never is. Aside from my own personal feelings about it, I know too many woman that had one and regret it. Either regret it right away, or even years later! These women, as well as any woman that gets an abortion are hurting...everybody has their own reasons but it doesn't matter. It is a pain that cannot be erased. I don't know much about these blood tests that show gender but are they 100%? What if, that baby was the 1% chance it was wrong? (Not to get your hopes up, just would be a terrible thing to happen.)
As someone touched on earlier, I am actually closer to my MIL than my own mother. She has a great relationship with all three of her boys. I just highly encourage you to keep your relationship with your boys as best as possible...then hopefully that increases your chances of having your children visit or bring grandchildren over. I also know a lady that had all boys, then she got a granddaughter...she said that made her relationship with her so special and she wouldn't change a thing now. Her and granddaughter are super close!
You don't know what kind of daughter you would get (me either) and I personally would rather only get to dream of her than to have one and end up having a really bad relationship with her, or have her hate me. There are those mother/daughters that just never get along. Or, the mom has so many dreams of and about her daughter, but when they are born they are nothing like it. Some girls are very much tom boys and can be just as loud and obnoxious as boys! I have a close friend whose daughter is a wild child! I totally understand wanting a break from the boy stuff and loudness, but there is no guarantee that a girl would quietly color or play with barbies, or be sweet.
Then there are those people that never get the chance to be a mother at all. They have an ache in their hearts to just be able to hold their own baby, as well as the pain of not being able to conceive.
As someone else touched upon...our minds control our thoughts and feelings! When I really struggled with GD I know it was times that I was constantly thinking about it, and thinking about all the things I would miss out on! When I tried to accept it and all the benefits to having boys it wouldn't be as bad. Things such as...well when the boys want to be just like daddy and spend time with him a lot, then I will be able to catch up on things I want to do. Or, now I'm just going to have to make girl time, go spend time with my girl friends, or pamper myself!! I have to make myself get rid of the negative thinking sometimes!
I know that nothing we say will be able to take the pain away or change the fact you didn't get your girl. Just take the time to grieve, hit your pillow whatever. But for your sake, your husband, and your children....please try to be happy and don't torture yourself for the next 20 years!

I just wanted to give you a big hug, I went through your same heart ache 3 times myself, and have come through to the other side. I think, even though I don't have a daughter, the more sons (children) I get, the likelier that one of them will stick around and be there later on. I hope for great DILs and grandkids, and will just be the greatest and most loving boy-mom I can be, and the best MIL I can be to my DILs. So, you are blessed with 4 children who will be there for you, and who you can love, give you grandchildren etc. So even if none of them are girls, you have the advantage of number. Some people only manage to get one child, and if that one child moves away or never marries/has children, you will still be there with no child around or no grandkids. It helps me to think this way, I have no daughter, but I am a rich woman with many children and the future will be bright :)