need to vent to those who I know will understand

Today I went to visit my sister and her 6 month old baby girl. My niece. My sister is struggling a bit at the moment and so I am going to visit her every Weds, right after I drop my boys off at school. It's an hour drive away, and I stay until I have to pick my boys up again. I am a very good big sister!

So today I arrive and my sister announces that as she has a load of shopping vouchers that were baby gifts we are going to her local shopping centre to go and buy baby clothes.

Usually, whenever I buy clothes for my boys I have to make myself look away from the girl clothes or it's too upsetting, so it was like being confronted with my worst nightmare!

Well, I hid my feeling really well and so off we went to the shops and together we chose my niece all these beautiful pink frilly outfits….It was literally physically painful, torture, and I had to hide the tears in my eyes.

I just need to have a big therapeutic vent on here as you ladies are the only people in the world who will understand how that felt, and how guilty I feel about feeling those feelings. I know your replies will make me feel less alone.

Am I a terrible person for not enjoying (i.e. hating!) shopping for my own niece??? with my own sister???

thanks for listening x

No. You're not alone. It's hard when you want something so badly. I really hope a change in clinics make a big difference!!

I know how you feel, everyone I know is having girls and a friend just had twin girls and I had to go girl shopping to buy her something pink. It's hard when you want something so bad and know there's only so much you can do to try to get it, but everyone else seems to make no effort and they have what you want. When I was pregnant with DS6 a friend was pregnant at the same time and had her girl a few days before I had our beautiful boy, and as much as I love our little man I was so jealous and cross that she got a girl. :(

You're not alone in feeling this way.

You are not alone! When I found out I was having a second boy I felt like everyone was having girls! I had a month with 5 girl a showers and I almost didn't go to the last few because I was so tired of shopping for pink stuff that wasn't for me!!! I'm thankful that right now I know 4 women having boys and I can just be happy for them and get a break from the pink. It's really hard!!!

You're not alone and you're not terrible. I recently bought a baby present for a new girl cousin and I don't usually buy clothes but I was already buying some things for my sons... shopping on the "other" side of the store, the forbidden side, the side that has come to represent all the sweet things I won't experience in this life, was hard. I never thought I would do this and but I bought a few adorable girl outfits for "my daughter" and put them away in my closet. It's not very likely we'll try for another child and it made me feel like I had had the experience of buying something for "my daughter" because that is who they are for: not my friend's little girl or my baby cousin. I don't know if I would recommend it to everyone because it could get out of hand or make the fixation stronger but it seemed to make me feel better. It might be something you could weigh.

Nope. I think it's a normal reaction. When I would go to girl baby showers or parties, I would buy something neutral or useful (diapers, toys, bath stuff) instead of something girly just so I didn't have to look over there and buy something for someone else's little girl. And I never considered my GD to be all that strong. It was just easier for me to avoid it all together. Almost like I had it all under control unless I opened that door...so I just left it closed!

I think it's actually huge that you were able to go at all. Even if it was really hateful for you. I think it really shows that you ARE a fab big sister. Putting your sister and your nieces feelings first and going anyway.

And, not to stick up for your sister, but she might have thought you would enjoy it. I think people who don't understand GD think some interesting things sometimes. My aunt, who desperately wanted a daughter had a best friend with two daughters the same age as my aunts boys. And one day her friend was like "why don't we go watch my daughters dance recital together?" And apparently my aunt went ape nuts on her (which was probably pretty funny, my aunt is a hoot) about how that would just make things worse, that it was rubbing salt in a wound. And her friend apologized and said that she honestly thought my aunt might enjoy it, like she was feeling a part of having a daughter (they were military wives together, so really close). She genuinely didn't get why that would hurt my aunts feelings. So maybe your sis was thinking something like that? (And my aunt and her friend are still friends some 20+ years later...my aunt told me sometime after I had my second son).

Totally understandable and no it doesn't make you a bad person. You're human and gd is tough. I try to get overly bright and excited about having opportunities to buy pink to mask my real feelings which I guess are jealousy. Hope you find acceptance one day xx

Thanks all! I knew you'd make me feel better!

I guess having a niece is going to throw all sorts of situations in my face that will highlight my GD that I didn't have to deal with before, and I really need to get used to it…

As hotdogz story shows, I am sure that one day I will be sitting watching her do a ballet recital! OMG!

Boys are kinda awesome too :) and I know a male adult ballerina so you never know you might be attending your own children's recital one day!! (He became a ballerina later in life rather incredibly!!) xx

What helped me (my brother had an unplanned baby girl with a teenager, 6 months before I got DS 3 so I was expected to fully partake in showers, see the baby, hold the baby, yadda yadda yadda) was that deep down on some level I didn't want THAT baby (although I love her to bits!). I wanted MY baby, the one that I just really felt was out there. To me, the shopping wasn't that hard really because it was for another person's kid and it just didn't have that much to DO with me and what I wanted. Although I have to say that would be very difficult and my heart goes out to you.

When they finally put my daughter into my arms I had this huge wave of recognition and I just felt that I knew her. That's what will happen for you too, all the shopping and showers you have to do for other people really are no more important than if you had to go to buy a present for your boys to take to a birthday party!! Good luck!!

So sorry you had such a horrid day yesterday, Lucky and of course you are not a bad person for feeling like that. It is so hard when some people just seem to get what they want so easily and don't even realise it! I sooo get the shopping, after DS3 was born I couldn't even go into a shop to buy him anything new, because it was just too painful knowing there would be pink in there that I couldn't have and at the time thought I never would. You will get your DD though, one way or another. So keeping everything crossed for you for April. Big hugs xx

You are not a bad person. I have a 7 year old niece and I felt the same way when she was born. She is 7 months younger than my third son. I started going to her recitals at three. I was somewhat happy that I could buy clothes and toys for my niece, but still felt the void. Now I have my daughter and of course that void is filled. I do hope you get your daughter one day.

You are not a bad person, you are a human person with feelings. You cannot help how you feel any more than you can help what you want. I used to feel like the girls sections in department stores were like a secret society I wasn't allowed to join. But think of it as practice. You will need to find out where all the good stores are so that you will know where to go for your DD!!

thanks Zibi - that made me smile and well up at the same time!

I so completely understand Lucky - I have 2xDS and my sister recently had a daughter. I just knew she was going to have a girl from the very start and I was gutted tbh (sounds so mean!!). She often talks about how she is convinced that the next one will be a boy, which feels like she is completely throwing in my face that I can't make girls and boys, but she can!!
Anyway, I digress! I honestly don't think that unless you have at least two DC of the same gender, then you don't always really get Gender Desire and so she either thinks she is giving you a look into the otherside (as a nice thing) or she genuinely isn't thinking about/understanding your GD. If she was to have another DD, then she might get it more.
Its hard for us to know how to channel and deal with GD, but sounds like you are being a fab big sister.
Fingers crossed to you having your own DD!!xx

thanks Jen, you're right…and I am sure my sister will have a boy next, she has always wanted a boy! hopefully by then I will have a DD and I won't care!