Wishing my contraception would fail

I feel like I have come a long way with my gender desire. I no longer feel pain looking at little or baby girls and do not hold silent jealous grudges when people get a girl after two boys like I always wanted. I even feel like if I had to, I could learn to live without her.

But every month I can't quite help but wonder when I am ovulating and then hope that my period does not come and I can be one of the few statistics whose IUD has failed. Last month I even got excited when I thought I could not feel the string for a second and that it must have slipped so I was no longer protected from pregnancy.

I know my life is natrually no longer one big Blue sway like it used to be and since I was an 'accident' and then my Mum went on to have three planned babies, all boys that if I had a surprise pregnancy it would be my girl too. My twins are 22 months now and If we were in the financial position we would start swaying in a few months and hope for conception later in the year.

It really might not be able to happen though and I don't want too bigger age gap either so feel like my chances are running out.
I just needed to vent really. Deep down I guess the strong desire for a daughter really is still there. Life is hard at the momment and I guess that is why my GD is making a come back. I thought I had it under good control, grrr this sucks.
I wish I could just be fine with not having a daughter

When life is good I learn to mostly cope with it and I focus on my blessings but when life is hard I struggle to do that. I know having a daughter wont fix all of my problems in life but I wonder if when life is hard it will be one less thingthat comes back to me to be down about that drags me down even more.
Know what I mean?

I know what you mean especially the second part. Maybe it isn't so much about wanting a daughter but just wanting to be happy and assuming that a daughter will fix that. I change my mind daily if not hourly about wanting a third child (of either gender) but I find when I am most unhappy I want my girl I don't have. When I look around at my family and my heart fills so much it feels like it might burst I feel complete and settled. Perhaps plan some things to make you happy with the family you have now like days out or a holiday and enjoy your life a little before considering another sway? Hugs for you. Gd is hard xx

Yes exactly that was totally true for me. I felt like (and still do) that if I was one of those people who had everything handed to them that I could have learned to deal with my gender desire and actually been quite happy with all boys. But I am not one of those people, everything in my life has been a struggle (obviously I'm not in a concentration camp and no one has cancer and I"m thankful for those things but just all the little things never seem to go my way without a huge effort, if that makes sense) and so not having a daughter was like adding insult to injury - because I could look around and see these people who had it easy in ways that I didn't, and then also had a daughter. It was like, can I just have this ONE thing that practically all other people have? And I still feel resentful about it because I had to do all this work and research and effort in order to get her, having to wait till I'm 42 years old and won't be around long enough to really enjoy her as an adult, while others it just happens. :( All my sister's friends (who are all about 10-12 years younger than I am) have all had pigeon pairs and are "done now".

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Yes exactly that was totally true for me. I felt like (and still do) that if I was one of those people who had everything handed to them that I could have learned to deal with my gender desire and actually been quite happy with all boys. But I am not one of those people, everything in my life has been a struggle (obviously I'm not in a concentration camp and no one has cancer and I"m thankful for those things but just all the little things never seem to go my way without a huge effort, if that makes sense) and so not having a daughter was like adding insult to injury - because I could look around and see these people who had it easy in ways that I didn't, and then also had a daughter. It was like, can I just have this ONE thing that practically all other people have? And I still feel resentful about it because I had to do all this work and research and effort in order to get her, having to wait till I'm 42 years old and won't be around long enough to really enjoy her as an adult, while others it just happens. :( All my sister's friends (who are all about 10-12 years younger than I am) have all had pigeon pairs and are "done now".

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Oh so well said Atomic. I have had nothing but turmoil in one way or another most of my life and a great deal of my adult life. Most of it is due to the way I was raised in an extreme religion that has been very hard to get away from, a rigid military mother who got bored raising her 7 kids and just checked out so I could finish raising them.

While I have had more control over things as an adult I have had little control on the crap my husbands have done, (ex-DH and DH) and little control over the mental illness 2 of my kids have. And certainly no control on the impact of the lousy economy which has hit us very hard with DH's line of work.

So like the others, if I could just have a boy, or even a baby at this point, life would have given me just one thing I "wanted". Albeit that 'wanted' thing would require a lot of money, energy and work, it is something I WANT.

And the people who just order their desired genders and get it....if I could just figure out why all they have to do is stamp their feet and say "i want it" and I have to work so hard for every little thing, I might feel a tiny bit better. If I could understand why several of my SILs say "I'll take BBGG" and it happens, I could swallow my reality a little easier.

And you make a good point Atomic, a lot of people who don't have to struggle with a lot of the basics in life are happier with all one gender. I have seen it many times. They have other things they want that come their way so, oh well, they reason, "I didn't get a girl/boy, but I have a great house, great figure, awesome career, fabulous vacations, etc. "

I try to tell myself that I have things that people like my SILs who order BBGG don't...I am independent of many chains that bind, I have a cool career ahead, I have lived and traveled a lot and had amazing experiences, etc. But at the end of it all i don't have a boy or a DC4 to watch grow up...so GD lives on.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer...just feeling your pain and wanting to know we hear you.

Atomic we are in the same boat. Life comes very difficult for us. Everything is a chore, everything goes wrong at all the wrong times. We struggle more than the average family and have horrible luck all the time and I too think why can't I have this ONE thing. Like you I am grateful we are cancer free and that we are not in a concentration camp but it doesn't make our life any easier knowing that, it just makes it more acceptable.

Sounds like my story, everything is always a struggle and if it can go wrong it does. We seem to be "cursed" at times and our extended family (who have everything and it's always just "handed" to them) just make our life worse so they can then boast about how better than us we are. If anything good does come our way, there's always something there to make sure it comes crashing down and just put us back in our place and remind us were not one of "lucky" ones. Sometimes I feel like I really do "deserve" our girl after everything else, but then I also feel like I'll never get her as I never get what I want, no matter how hard I work. Yes, also grateful for our health and I do know there are worse people out there throughout the world, but it is hard sometimes when nothing seems to go our way.


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One of these days I'm going to write my story called "the making and breaking of a boy mom" and post it in the Maternal Dominance Hypothesis thread because I think the reasons why some of us have all boys or all girls is rooted in things that happen to us in childhood and how it affected us. :)

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

One of these days I'm going to write my story called "the making and breaking of a boy mom" and post it in the Maternal Dominance Hypothesis thread because I think the reasons why some of us have all boys or all girls is rooted in things that happen to us in childhood and how it affected us. :)

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I'll look forward to reading it ;)

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Adia you said it perfectly. To be honest, sometimes I feel a little left out on this board, where everyone else wants just one girl or just one boy, and I want just one more. But it's really the same isn't it? It boils down to "I want something that I do not have, and I want it REALLY BADLY". Why can't I just catch a break, just this one time? Why does everyone else around me make the announcement that they want one more, and then weeks later announce they are pg?

I have to admit that I am doing a helluvalot better in adult than I ever could have imagined during childhood. My childhood sucked, to put it bluntly. I think I attribute my success in later life to a late start...I didn't meet a man I wanted to marry until I met DH. I was 35. But now getting that late start has come back to bite me in the butt. I'm too old to have another.

Well I haven't given up YET. We all need to vent every once in an while.

:wink:

Exactly and I do not want anyone EVER to feel out of place here if they just want another baby of either gender, whether it's a sibling for an outnumbered kiddo or if it's a first baby or another baby. I love having all you guys on here and I think everyone brings so much to the site and that is what makes this the best site around! :heart:

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I am not the only one who feels this way. Just as life gets easier for us something new comes along and I am really sensitive to these things now even though I no longer have post natal depression.

I haven't been on in a while but my contraception almost did fail and it led to a great epiphany but darn it, of coarse DP arrives home now just as my fingers were starting to get all fired up to type a noval

I can't wait to read more about your epiphany. I also wish my IUD would fail. It would be so much easier to not have make the decision about one more!

Just a month after I wrote this post funnily enough, my IUD fell out midcycle. It never did feel quite right. Anyway, there was quite a possible chance that I could have gotten pregnant because it was right about O day and we had been active that month. I was full of anticipation and excitement and all I could think of was my girl that could be on her way but when it came time to test both times I was absolutely freaking out about how there was no way I wanted to be pregnant right now. My twins just turned two and I am slowly starting to get a bit of my life outside parenthood back and I am not prepared to give that up. I would only be willing to go through that hard time again if I could garentee it would be for a girl. I really am not clucky for a baby. When I think of my girl I picture a child 4-11. I used to think that if I swayed hard and it was another boy at least I know I would have tried and it was not meant to be but I know that is not true.
While I would love my amazing new son it would not solve my problem of never having a daughter and I really think 4 is my limit. Would I then want to try again and again until I had her? No, it is a daughter next or never.

So I know I have to go PGD. I thought about it once before and changed my mind because it all seemed so extreme but I don't want to lose out on having a daughter in my life. I didn't get given what I wanted so I am going to have to 'cheat' and get it myself. I guess I word it that way because I used to be christian. I don't want to be an old lady who stares at little girls with regret in her eyes and who knows by then HT might be much more normal. I'd be happy to sway if I were going from 2 to 3 but I had twins and got to my 3 kid limit fast and I am only willing to go one over that. I always felt so sorry for 3 or more familes of one gender for the parent with no same sex companion and now I am just that. I don't feel sorry for myself but for some unknown reason I can not let go of my pining for a daughter. I really wish my boys could be enough. I had a long list of reasons why I thought I wanted a girl because I thought I needed reasons and I came up with ways to get around most of them and it helped but didn't fix them. I tried to see other peoples realities with sick or no children but that is there realities and as lucky as I feel it still doesn't solve my problem. The one thing I really need to make happen for myself.

The only problem is the money. I have read posts from Atomic and NBP who recommend HT before swaying if it wont put a signifacant strain on your life and hugely affect the way you live because of financial sacrafice or something along those lines. Well it would be like that for us. Life was good but now the recession has us living week to week and we don't own our house, DPs 9 and 11 year old will be needing a College fund soon and my partner has not seen his family in almost 7 years and desperately wants to but NZ to Germany for us would cost almost the amount that HT does just for the flights!!!

So I will just have to wait for her. I didn't want a huge age gap but better late than never. I am only 26 too and pretty healhty so time is on my side that way. I plan to train as a midwife and DP is slowly getting recognised for his Cheffing talents and being promoted but life is still hard but I think I can slowly save for the money. Crossing my fingers that by the time the time comes, Australia might have finally come to it's senses and lifted its PDG band.

Wow that sure turned into an essay! The last bit is what I think I need the most help with. How can you save for PGD?

And also I am just not sure how to deal with the huge wait and keeping it all to myself. I am happy about coming to this decission but it is a huge weight to carry and I will be reminded each time people ask if I plan to try for more kids. There is no way my family would understand

I want a girl so much that if HT didn;t work out I think I would be more willing to adopt than sway. And that says alot because I am adopted and I would prefer to have my own biological daughter since I never had a close female bllo relation. I have nothing against boys though. I always hoped for more boys. Only wanted one girl but not willing to give up on her and I think I can only have one more child as to what I know I can handle

Hey stranger! Its good to hear from you!

I see how much work you have done and I think your decision to go HT is spot on! Good for you! You are young and have many years of childbearing possibilities ahead of you. Just keep the dream alive and know that you will find a way to make it happen.

It always startles me when I think back a couple of years and how my life is drastically different now in ways I never imgained it would be. So many unexpected changes came our way. We are living in a place we never imagined we would live, not my favorite but its working out, and in careers we never imagined 3 years ago, again, not the pick of the litter but we are making it work and finding joy along the way!

Enjoy those babies while they are young and be confident that you will someday have the daughter you dream of!
Big hugs mama!!

123 I'm really really excited for you! Yes we're talking years from now - but you have a direction now, something you're going to work toward - and that's pretty darn exciting. Whether it's PGD or adoption - and maybe you'll research both - you know what you want and aren't afraid to say it.

You're so young...you have years to save for PGD. I started when I was 37 so that's a lot of saving years - though of course you won't wait THAT long.

First you already know you'll want to get an emergency fund squared away so you're not living week to week. Then comes prioritizing your savings goals and continuing to work toward two healthy income ******s.

As far as telling people -- my strong, strong advice is not to. You can't ever un-tell the people you tell, and this is a huge secret to expect them to keep. The only person who knows is my DH and though I was all emotional about wanting to tell my mom and siblings before I started, now I'm SO thankful I told no one. They wouldn't have understood - to your point about your family - and they'd think of it always. I get the support I need from the HT board and DH. I don't need questions about 'how's it going' from anyone else, and they can't provide any of the support I need.

So even though it'll be a long wait, I'd just answer the 'if you'll try again' questions however you'd answer them now....maybe....probably not...don't know....whatever the answer is. PGD can be something you're hoping for the future but its outcome can't be predicted, so don't let it affect that answer you're giving.

Oh and and yes - PGD is extreme. It certainly feels that way to me this month. But if it works, the way it worked will fade in time, and you end up with your dream. And that to me is worth all the angst leading up to it.

EXCITING!! Hope to hear more!

Thanks Adia and Ocean, love hearing from you both. I probably wont be on the Forems much for a while as there is not much I can plan for now and don't want to dwell on what I don't have as much as I can help. I do need to focus on my little ones without distractions such as the internet and FB. I am quite sensitive and never used to be so have to take care of myself and avoid triggers. I find it hard enough to get things done without the distraction of the computer and I get down when I am not feeling in control of housework etc. It is so busy with three kids 4 and under but I just want to do what is best for them.

Good news: I am getting a Nanny for 9 hours a week starting next week to give me a break finally. Mr 4 is at Kindy 3 days a week and she will come during two of those days to look after my two year olds. I have been a full on SAHM for over 4 years and finally I can explore my creative passions and have fun developing new skills that I may even make some money off before I have to knuckle down into hard core study for midwifery.

I have made some mega cute clothes for my boys. No girls at the playground are better dressed than my boys! I take pride in that!

And those are gorgeous clothes in the pic if they're yours!!

Good plan to be on here less. I do that too when I need to focus on the life in front of me.

There's a financial program called ivf advantage from fertility authority - don't know anything about it but worth a look. Avail to all, you just have to cycle in the US though.

I do think gd shows up when you're most depressed. I did get my little girl and am so thrilled by it. But life with four is hard. When I'm having a difficult day, I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. Getting my desired gender definitely took away my gd but I traded it for a new set of problems. It's like anything else, you have to stay positive and take a deep breath thru the rough parts. I hope you all get your desired gender!

Thanks, I am prone to depression for the rest of my life now since I have had it twice and it runs in the family. I have to really look after myself. That is why I feel like I will never get over GD. I really only wanted three kids but with the slightly bigger age gap, I hope it makes things a bit easier. I would only be transferring one. I know how hard twins are so am hoping to enjoy a singleton again. I have heard a single after twins feels alot easier so hoping she can just slot in nicely.

I didn't make those outfits in my profile pic but might be good enough to do something like that soon. I should post pics when I make things for my boys