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Sometimes I am overwhelmed with resentment for my husband, I blame him for me not having my girl. I am just so angry and feel like it's all too unfair. I want him to hurt like I do. I see him with his two sons and sometimes I get so envious I can hardly stand myself. It's terrible. Please tell me this will pass.
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I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't think it's fair to blame one's partner. Men may biologically determine gender but most research shows it's the woman's environment that selects which gender is conceived.
There is no blame for either party. Your life is what you make it and the only thing we can control in life is how we respond to things when it doesn't go as planned. We try so hard to create the life we think we should have, should live but the universe has its own plans and how we choose to respond is what matters. That's what life is all about. There's always something to overcome and something to manage.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your husband. As much as you would like to control the outcome of life, neither you not he has the power to do so.
I don't hate my husband but sometimes I envy him for getting to be happily oblivious with his two boys. When do I get to be happily oblivious lol? Nuthinbutpink is right, though. It's not something within anyone's control. I'm sure your husband would prefer you to be happy, as I know mine would. The sex of our kids is just not something we're in real control of about our lives.
Hate is a strong word...truly my husband is wonderful and maybe that is why I feel so guilty about resenting him. We have had many ups and downs since our kids have been born, like all couples who have kids our marriage has been put to the test. I am simply dissatisfied. Completely and utterly empty without that little baby girl in our family. And in this exact moment I know that HT is the only way to fill this void. I try to be kind, I try to feel more appreciation for having these 3 gentle men in my life. I try. Thanks for letting me vent! Aside from my one friend who is a mother to only sons, all the other women in my life have daughters and they don't get this!!!!
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I too decided to take control and use HT to move forward. You will need his support through that.
How you feel is your choice everyday. It's all of our choice. If HT is an option, that's great!
I kind of envy my hubby, I know he wanted a girl too but he wasn't completely devastated and he is able to 'get over it' to look past the bad parts of what we don't have and look at the good parts. (He says things like "at least we don't have to..." "Good thing we don't have a girl or..." )
He is lucky, he has his boys. He gets to watch football matches with them, take them to football practise, show them all the cool things he enjoyed as a child. I know you can do that with a child of any gender, but lots of the things I want to show my boys they are completely uninterested in. He doesn't seem to understand the full extent of my gender desire.
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My husband is much better able to accept all boys too. It is easier for him than me by a lot. I know in his heart he really wants a daughter and I have seen him shed a tear or two over it but he said he won't live life wondering about a daughter if he never has one, he will be able to be happy with all boys. Me...not so much. I will need time to move on from the loss of never having a daughter and there will be many times where I will feel sad and envious. I will have a hole in my heart forever but that won't mean I won't be happy with all my boys of course.
I have never once blamed my Dh seriously for having all boys. I have always felt it was my fault instead!
Just a little perspective from the other side. I do not know the sex of my baby yet but will in a couple days. Right now I think my husband and I have the hope still that it will be a boy since we have a daughter already. He never voices his desire either way I should note. BUT of course I assume every father wants a son right? And I know my father and his father really want a boy. Which put this unknown pressure on me as the carrier of this child. How bizarre is that! And unfair. BUT the fact is I want the boy more than any of the above!!! Like I am obcessed with the though. If you et my daughter you would want another just like her....in every way. Dont get me wrong, she is the most angel ever...but I do long for a boy that is unexplainable. So while you want for yourself a daughter. I want for about five other people in my life....and if it is another girl the letting down other people kills me. That kind of guilt is very hard to live with as well. So while you feel this way...you are living someones elses dream! I cannot imagine not having a girl at all in my lifetime so I get that part of a womans instinct...but I want a boy so bad I think I am making myself sick with worry and anxiety. Why do we do this to ourselves????
I don't blame dh, I've always felt it was me making the boys, or at least (and I know it's irrational and not at all true) me who doesn't deserve a girl. But I didn't know that the woman's condition could influence the gender. And I think dh still doesn't really believe that it does. He is the one who takes the blame with out me placing it on him. Out side our gender scan with ds4 he told me he was scared in case it was another boy. But once we had the scan, I came away wanting to cry, he came away finding positives. I guess it's our personality and how we deal with things. I think I'm probably being unfair saying it's ok for him, he has his boys, because I expect he'd be ok with all girls. I of course want everything, so wouldn't be ok with all girls either (in fact I used to want all boys, talk about being careful what you wish for) the hardest part is that my boys want a sister, and I always want to make them happy and give them what they want and this is something I can not give them. I know my father in law was one of 3 boys and his father one of 6 boys and had wanted a daughter so much. My father in law provided the first granddaughter, but I know he sees more than he lets on and he had hopes for us having a girl. My niece is surrounded by boys too. She had 3 brothers, 3 step brothers, one grown up girl cousin and 5 boy cousins. She's wanted me to have a girl since she was 6 years old and I was expect ds1. I think the pressure from others can sometimes be worse than your own desire, or at least fans the flames, as you feel you are letting people down.
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I often feel something similar to this; I think my husband is better at being a man than I am at being a woman.Quote:
Originally Posted by motherofboys
Don't get me started. :p
I think sometimes when we feel strongly about different things our emotions can get their wires crossed and we end up feeling passionately one way when really those emotions are coming from another thing.
Long story short, since having my daughter I have had to come to the realization that some of my GD emotions were misplaced feelings coming from other areas (marriage among them) and I was thinking it was entirely from not having a DD. It wasn't.
My husband will never comprehend how earth shattering it was for me to not have a daughter. Nobody but those who have lived it can ever really know how terribly much it hurts. I have stopped trying to make him understand or "pay" for this. Instead I use this site as an outlet to be understood and gain some empathy. Thank you ladies!Quote:
Originally Posted by motherofboys
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I think this is always the case atomic sagebrush. When one thing in my life is not right, all things channel into that. Almost like the recourse of not having a daughter is the cause of all things wrong in my life. Rationally I know this isn't true and I am glad you mentioned this! Thanks!!!
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Rosie85 I blame my husband less and less these days and am starting to accept that our boys were born for a greater reason than a girl. Maybe to teach me to let go and let things be.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosie85
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I totally agree. It's so nice to be around people who understand but can also see the other side. Whether that was getting the DG or not.
When everything is up in the air, and the boys are not listening to a word I say and there seems to be a bajillion things that need to be done or to worry about, I find myself thinking "if i had a girl this would be better or that would be better" or even "I'm being punished for not being satisfied with what I have, for wanting a girl and not being grateful for my boys"
Of course we all know this is utter rubbish. We don't get one gender as a punishment for actually wanting the other or caring which gender we get at all.
But I think when we are dissatisfied, it's just one more thing to feel down about and it's so easy to blame it all on GD.
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I can completely relate with this post... 100%. Before DD I would try to talk to my DH about my GD but he just didn't get it. He is such a "guy" it is hurtful sometimes. I remember him calling one of his friends after DS2 uls and telling his friends "my guys swam right... it's another boy!". WTF?? Right?? So a girl is wrong?? He was very vocal about not wanting a girl because of how emotional they are as teenagers. When I would tell him about why I wanted a DD he would just say "there is no guarantee that you will have a Mother/Daughter relationship like you and your Mom do". He was very dismissive of my feelings which is what hurt the most. I would say to him "what if we had two daughters, wouldn't you want a son?" to which he would say "don't know since we aren't in that situation". My DH didn't understand at all and didn't even try... that is why I resented him so much. Plus I was the one who went through all the MS, aches, pains, stitches, etc. and he got what he wanted and I didn't get what I want. Plus he said he didn't want more kids after the two boys. I had to ask for YEARS to try for a third. I think all of my DH not being understanding fed into the GD.
Now that I have a DD I really do feel so much better. It isn't a source of resentment and frustration in our marriage anymore. What is even better is that DH is so good with DD... he is more attentive with her than he was with the boys. He is always holding her, talking to her, cuddling her, feeding her, etc. He even volunteers to get up with her in the night.
Funny now with this baby he says that he wants another boy but he isn't as vocal about his preference for a girl or a boy.
i can feel u. Couple days ago, I just blamed my husband for not able to give me a daughter. But after the cooling period, I realised I was wrong. Compare to those parents with needy child, I feel Im fortunate to have my boys. Healthy is still my priority. If between gender and health, I will choose latter. And I believe god has plan for me for having two boys. Who knows, one of them maybe the next minister and another maybe the top lawyer in my nation :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by 2boysJustOneGirl
I SO get this. I don't hate my husband or anything and I don't really blame him for our first two boys because we didn't sway. Our first we 'tried' for a boy by one attempt on O day, and our second we just did multiple days around O day. This time I tried to sway (finding this place way too late). I put myself through torture trying to go without breakfast and eliminating snacks. Other than DTD stuff he didn't sway at all, even though he wanted a girl. I am sure if it was a boy we were trying to get he would have made sure he did everything possible. To his defense it was right around Thanksgiving so we had a lot of family get togethers. But considering his dad had 4 boys, I wish he would have tried something...especially with diet and exercise and taking out the beer drinking. I see as well how he gets to do things with his sons, even at these young ages and they will have a lot in common and it tugs at my heart. I love seeing it, but wish I had a mini-me.
I'll always wonder if he would have tried, if it would have helped us get our girl, even though I know there is no changing things now.
Whenever anything goes wrong it always leads back to my grief, which is drenched in resentment for my husband for me having to bear the weight of motherhood to only boys. It sucks. I am in a very tough spot today. Probably didn't help that I attended a stupid play group and was once again the only mom with all boys amongst the group I associate with. I looked at all these other women and couldn't stand them or the fact that I am so sad. Today is a bad day.
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:( I'm sorry, been there done that and it's not pretty. Hoping you find peace!