Horrible day...anybody else with me?!?

Somedays I really think I will never be happy again. Always in the back of my mind is that daughter, the one who doesn't exist. On the bad days, when I am so tired and drained from my two boys, I accept never having another baby, never having my girl because I can barely handle two kids, never mind three. And with that acceptance comes so much grief I am almost numb. Imagine grieving something you never had? I didn't ever think it was I possible. Hoping tomorrow is brighter...if not perhaps Easter chocolate can help? Lol


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Just imagine your life with out those two, look at their smiling little faces, and the sweet little kisses they give. Tomorrow will be better, give your self some time.

I know exactly what you mean. I have 4 boys and there are days when my life is just a complete whirlwind. So much noise and rarely a moment of peace. There are times when everyone seems to be tag teaming me. And on those days, things can get on top of me, and I think "can I really cope with another child?" And I can imagine it. The 4 boys growing up and things getting easier, and me there with no daughter, still silently aching inside but accepting that's just how it is.
But there are moments, like yesterday walking home from the park, I was at the back pushing ds4 in the pram, ds3 was on dh back and ds1 and 2 either side of him. I watched them running round him, him jog along a bit bouncing ds3, all of them laughing. I looked down at ds4 wrapped up tight against the chill of the wind, fast asleep. And my heart swelled. We'd all had a great time at the park and I felt good and right.
I felt in that moment that another child was a blessing and that even if I get another boy, I will be ok.
I know the feeling of grieving. I know the numb feeling. I can't say what is coming down the line, and what is the right choice. I do at times think it would be easier to just move on now rather than try again, but I said 5 kids before we knew we'd have all boys and I've never swayed so I want that last chance. And those moments like I described above, they are worth all those days of chaos.
Give yourself today, be gentle with yourself. I hope that tomorrow is better for you.


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I have three girls and my days are also a whirlwind of noise and no peace! I think the gender differences are exaggerated sometimes - my three are as messy, noisy and attracted to dirt as any boy.

I agree mum to three girls. I am usually the one butting into posts on Facebook groups when people ask "those with both genders, which is hardest" my ds2 was a real shock to the system after my chilled out, good as gold, wouldn't know you had him ds1. If ds2 had been a girl is have sworn girls were harder and the opposite way round I'd have sworn boys were. I do really think it's all a child's personality rather than their gender. But, having said that, at times of deep GD, I often think it would have been so much easier if I had a girl. I know it wouldn't have really, but it's just one of those things that creep into your mind when thinking how things could have been. And we do tend to put all these expectations on children we may never even get. I know a lot of us pink swayers want pretty dresses, ballet class and hair clips. When in reality we could have major tom boys on our hands who would rather play football with their brothers and refuse point blank to wear a dress as soon as they found their voice.
The one thing I know is true is that when things are hard, and I don't know if I could handle another child in the mix, is that had I had a girl at any point it would have made the decision to stop having babies before we hit our planned number a lot easier.



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Thanks motherofboys❤️. I feel the same way you do. If one girl could be thrown in the mix it would make childbearing a little more fun. I always said I wanted 3 kids, but I never imagined how hard being a mom can get. Now I am kind of wanting some freedom again, some me time. If I could have had a girl I could be planning other things now instead of being on this forum feeling alone and desperate.
I see friends of mine who got their boy and girl and they are now selling all their baby stuff and enjoying their kids as they grow. I am envious of that in a way. The thought of having another is overwhelming at times, regardless of the gender. The thought of not having a daughter is even more overwhelming and actually quite unbearable. It's a tough place to be in. Thanks again for replying. I really needed a bit of love today.




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I wish I could see into the future and know 100% if I'd ever get a girl, it would make relaxing now and enjoying my boys so much easier.
I hope whatever the future brings we can all find peace and happiness.


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What a great thread! I am right there with you ladies. Motherofboys, you put into words exactly how I feel! Some days I feel so blessed and happy, and others I feel envious (usually of a boy mom I know IRL who just had a girl) or anxiety about never having a daughter. :(
I'm about 6 weeks PG and already panicking. I swayed but I wonder was it a good enough sway? I just feel like it's not in the cards for me to have a girl and I wish I could get to *that* place where I can be happy without one. Before I started swaying and got PG, I actually had a very good couple of years without much GD (after DS3 was born). Then it kicked in again and I had to make a decision (because I am 36) whether to try once more or not, so we took the plunge.
Anyway, I feel exactly the same!

As they get older, it gets easier. DK how old your boys are but this is a temporary phase and before you know it, you'll suddenly realize that it got easier without you even noticing.

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Originally Posted by Mum to three girls

I have three girls and my days are also a whirlwind of noise and no peace! I think the gender differences are exaggerated sometimes - my three are as messy, noisy and attracted to dirt as any boy.

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My daughter is also very hardcore and one of my boys was super duper mellow so I totally agree it's not a gender thing necessarily.

I'm right there with you. And yes, it is possible to grieve for the daughter you don't have. It's the loss of a future you expected, that you wanted. It's the grief of what could have been but wasn't.

I relate to the constant struggle - I want to try for a girl, but how can I possibly manage 3 children. It's a challenge to manage 2. The other piece is how do you reconcile the financial responsibilities? I constantly think about what is more important...an attempt for a girl (with an opposite being a real possibility) or the type of lifestyle that having only 2 children would allow us to have. I also have a hard time because I have 2 healthy boys (have had 3 m/c) and feel like I don't want to push my luck....

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about me! I understand the feelings of grief and loss and grapple with feelings of guilt and selfishness (it's selfish for me to want another child when DH isn't all that keen and it's selfish of me to not want another child to have a certain lifestyle). Ugh.

I hope today is a better day for you....and that any chocolate you had assisted wtih feeling better :P Be kind to yourself, we all have hectic days filled with a whirlwind of emotion! It will be okay :)

Angie

You know I think I worry more with each pregnancy and child because I feel like my luck will run out.


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Originally Posted by 2boysJustOneGirl

Somedays I really think I will never be happy again. Always in the back of my mind is that daughter, the one who doesn't exist. On the bad days, when I am so tired and drained from my two boys, I accept never having another baby, never having my girl because I can barely handle two kids, never mind three. And with that acceptance comes so much grief I am almost numb. Imagine grieving something you never had? I didn't ever think it was I possible. Hoping tomorrow is brighter...if not perhaps Easter chocolate can help? Lol


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I feel exactly like this too...

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Originally Posted by granddaughter

Just imagine your life with out those two, look at their smiling little faces, and the sweet little kisses they give. Tomorrow will be better, give your self some time.

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…and this made me cry!…thank you for the wake up call x

After all my talk of feeling blessed, a few little comments from one person I barely know have sent in back into a blubbering wreck. Apparently we have an inbuilt need to see girls as more in need of protecting as they are more valuable because boys are only needed for 1 small part of baby making and can spread their seed. Girls and boys are not equal. "Not that I'm saying boys are not worth anything"
No not exactly but you are saying they are not worth as much as girls.
It was a discussion on what age you would let your kids play out alone and she started going on about boys allowed out earlier than girls and why was that and that if a boy gets a girl pregnant he can walk away and it won't effect his life.
I don't have to worry cos I have boys.


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Motherofboys I am not even sure how I would have taken that conversation?? Was this a person who had only girls? I really don't know how you ladies hold your tongue when people say awful things like "Not that I am saying boys aren't worth anything" or "if a boy gets a girl pregnant he can walk away"? Who thinks like this? This woman sounds like she might be having her own GD issues she is dealing with.

She has 1 daughter an apparently no desire for any more children. I don't even know what pregnancy had to do with whether or not it was ok to let an 8 year old play out the front of their house or not!
And I would hope that when they are old enough to be doing anything like that I had raised my boys well enough to be careful if a pregnancy isn't wanted and if something does happen to take responsibility for his actions. One of my fears with boys is that the girl could take off and I'd never know my grandchildren.


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Wow she sounds like a total b... kind of feel sorry for her DD stuck alone with a Mom like that. She sounds like a rather miserable woman.

So are their no laws in the UK that prevent Moms from just up and leaving with children? Here you can go to court, get paternity tests, have joint custody, etc. If she decides to take off it would be considered kidnapping and she would be in contempt of court. If she does that enough she could go to jail. Problem is not to many boys/men actually follow through and press this issue.

I think it's the same here where legally if he wants contact then the dad has the right to it. But I don't think that many men realise the rights they have.


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Originally Posted by motherofboys

After all my talk of feeling blessed, a few little comments from one person I barely know have sent in back into a blubbering wreck. Apparently we have an inbuilt need to see girls as more in need of protecting as they are more valuable because boys are only needed for 1 small part of baby making and can spread their seed. Girls and boys are not equal. "Not that I'm saying boys are not worth anything"
No not exactly but you are saying they are not worth as much as girls.
It was a discussion on what age you would let your kids play out alone and she started going on about boys allowed out earlier than girls and why was that and that if a boy gets a girl pregnant he can walk away and it won't effect his life.
I don't have to worry cos I have boys.


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This is unreal. Her comments are completely ignorant and obnoxious. It's because of women like her mothers of any gender are struggling to accept what is and be proud and happy for it. Try to take the comments lightly...she is obviously uneducated and bitter.


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Can't believe that conversation at all. How could anyone say that. Without a man her precious daughter wouldn't be there anyway! :(

I'm having a bad day. Maybe it's hormones but I'm just down today. My three best friends all have girls, I am the only sole boy mom. And my friend with a pigeon pair is still despairing over being pregnant with her second boy. I know I'm just whining, but this is the place for that right? :(

It's definitely the place for it WillowsGirl. It's hard when everyone around you has a girl. I know there are those who will be looking at us and thinking how lucky we are to have boys. It feels for me like almost everyone I know has one of each and so no one can possibly begin to understand how I feel.

The woman's comments hurt most because I feel that people do place more value on girls in my community. There's always the "will you try again for a girl" "bet you'd like a girl wouldn't you" questions. It does make you feel like they are saying your boys are second prize.


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Originally Posted by motherofboys

The woman's comments hurt most because I feel that people do place more value on girls in my community. There's always the "will you try again for a girl" "bet you'd like a girl wouldn't you" questions. It does make you feel like they are saying your boys are second prize.


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I wonder if they would make the same comments if we had only girls? Would they ask us if we try again for a boy? Probably they will.....aren't we sometimes too sensitive about these comments?

I think we are too sensitive at times. Most of the people obviously don't see a problem with the questions and there must be people who are not as bothered by only having one gender as we are. I mean one time I was asked this question I was sat in a room with 4 other women and between us we had 13 boys and 1 girl. I have 4, another had 4, 2 had 2 each and the last had 1 of each. And it was the one with 4 who asked and said she couldn't cope with 5 boys. So perhaps the fact I was getting another shot was a sore point for her.
But if I had stopped after my 2nd son, I'd have been quite happy. At that stage I felt incredibly lucky to have got 2 boys. So there has to be those out there who are happy with their lot. And so don't think it's upsetting to ask those questions.

I'm not sure if I was rambling then, if so please ignore it lol

Today was a better day all round


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I saw a post on my FB the other day. Friend of mine has 2 girls and is PG again and was announcing it was a girl. She got the same comments... the "well maybe next time it will be a boy" and "you can only make girls (directed at the DH)". People just don't understand how hurtful comments like that can be. Almost always from people with a PP.

Some people don't stop to think. And some people I think want a reaction, so want you to say "hold on a minute!"


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Only moms of sons can know how we feel. Mothers of all daughters cannot relate to what we are experiencing even though they are having their own grief. All humans want what the don't have! It's a law! But the grief over no daughter cannot be the same as a grief over no son. We want each gender for different reasons, fulfilling different needs.

A mom who raises daughters is very different than one with with sons based on the life experiences those kids will bring. For instance my mom was here for the birth of my second son, met him first and I was happy she was. My MIL wasn't invited. I know not all ppl have a good mother daughter bond like I do but I think bc of that bond and my desire for a girl, I would do all things possible to make that bond with my own. I also know some women (not me!) enjoy their mother inlaw and may include her more than others. It's all circumstantial.

Anyway what I do know is that yesterday I attended a birthday party with my boys and I was the only mother with all sons there. And I didn't feel like an outcast. In fact it wasn't until I got home I realized the case was so. So maybe this will all hurt less and less for me. And you ladies too.

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Originally Posted by 2boysJustOneGirl

Somedays I really think I will never be happy again. Always in the back of my mind is that daughter, the one who doesn't exist. On the bad days, when I am so tired and drained from my two boys, I accept never having another baby, never having my girl because I can barely handle two kids, never mind three. And with that acceptance comes so much grief I am almost numb. Imagine grieving something you never had? I didn't ever think it was I possible. Hoping tomorrow is brighter...if not perhaps Easter chocolate can help? Lol


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This was so me, especially last year. I could go on and on.... :) No matter what, we love the children we do have so much but we can't help wonder and wish for that little girl (or boy) we don't have/might not ever get.

I think it is a different dynamic, especially when you have more than one boy. I know someone that has a boy and a girl and thinks I shouldn't be upset at all having 3 boys. She thinks boys are easier, but what she doesn't understand is that when you have more than one it changes things. As in, the rowdiness in them seems to come out more than when they have a sister instead, and sometimes birth order can influence that too. She talks to me about how hard and picky her daughter is, but you know what? I bet she wouldn't trade her for another boy and not get that experience of a daughter.

Anyways, we couldn't (esp I) get over this feeling so we finally decided to go for #3, even though there were days I thought I couldn't possibly handle three children and have always only wanted two!! When I felt like we had hope for a girl, it was weird...it almost made me more patient and appreciative of my boys! I also wanted to make sure they never felt like I didn't love them as much. Unfortunately it didn't work for us and we are pregnant with boy #3 now. But I am hoping once this little man comes, I will realize that a lot of my emotion/dissatisfaction/incompleteness (whatever you want to call it) was because I really wanted another child and a bigger family. I hope he gives us a feeling of completeness so that I can finally let go of that little girl I've dreamed about and thought about for so long.

Good luck to you, and hope you are able to make the right choice and feel good and content! :)

I hate that people think one gender is harder than another. I'm often told I'm lucky having boys as they are easier but then someone else will tell me boys are harder as they are so hyper and unruly.
I agree that it changes things having lots of boys. I think an alpha male gene kicks in and they start fighting for supremacy same as if you get a group of girl together the b*tchiness starts.
I also have a friend with one of each that insists boys are easier, but then sits laughing about how I'm the only one with out a girl and she asked with ds1 if I was disappointed he was a boy, and she didn't want a boy at all herself so I know she wouldn't trade her pp for my 4x DS.
I too find the days I think I will never have a girl I feel so sad that I become impatient. The days I feel like we can try and that we have a chance, I feel much more positive and patient and then I even feel like as long as there's a chance it doesn't matter if it's another boy.



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hugs ladies. I feel the same and glad there is such a thread for us to let out.
My bestie just announced she is having a gal (#1 was boy). Can you imagine the feeling that I was in tears when I sms her "wow that great!" It even hurt me when she said she is fine with any gender for #2 yet got a girl while my heart ached for a daughter yet DS2 was born.
I trying to walk out from it by bonding more with my boys.

It seems so unfair at times like this doesn't it? I'm sure there is a lesson somewhere for us


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Originally Posted by motherofboys

It seems so unfair at times like this doesn't it? I'm sure there is a lesson somewhere for us


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yes is unfair but i still believe god has plan for me to turn thing this way

I firmly believe in everything happening for a reason, and that each child is who we are meant to have. I just hope that I'm meant to have a girl eventually too.


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motherofboys: me too. :-(