Trying to decide about TTC

Hello Everyone!

I joined a while ago at the end of 2011 and swayed for a girl and was so very lucky to get pregnant with our little girl on our first attempt. She was born September of 2012 and we have thought for a while our family was complete. So I kind of disappeared from the forums. However, now my husband and I are debating having another child. We originally wanted 4 children however, our oldest son has high functioning Autism and our 2nd son has suspected ADHD (he is only *almost* 4 and they don't officially diagnose until 6 or older but DH has ADHD and that combined with the signs he shows now leads our pediatrician to think an ADHD diagnosis could be coming down the line). I say those things to say parenting has been a bit more difficult than we originally thought and we have no real support system (our families both SUCK majorly and just tell us we should not have had the kids in the first place) and that lead us to a decision of no more. But right now I'm getting that all to familiar "baby ache" and even though I'm so so tired at the end of every day and have even questioned what I was thinking having 3 a few times I feel I might regret it later in life if we don't have any more. But then I sometimes wonder if the thought of having no more will always make me sad no matter how many we have and it's just something I need to get past. To add even more to the decision we have also discussed adoption (my DH was adopted and has a desire to help a child). I guess I'm just looking for someone to commiserate with and was not really sure of where to go and remembered how supportive everyone was here when I was TTC my DD.

I think a lot of women still have "the urge" no matter how many children they have. I know that I contemplate whether or not a third is a good idea (for many reasons). But when it boils down to it, when I look at my family, I feel someone is missing. I will look at my boys and think about what our third (hypothetical) child would be doing (sleeping in the swing, playing with them, learning to crawl)....The decision is yours and not your familys (my family would love for me to have more, so that's not an issue for us...except pressure to have more). It's a personal decision....if you feel you and your DH can support another children (emotionally and financially) and you are both on board, then I think you're good to go (whether it be naturally or adoption).

Angie

Yeah I guess that's the issue, sometimes I feel that someone is missing and then other times I think I'm so overwhelmed already how could I even consider another. And that's where the family support comes in, not that I want them to weigh in on the decision of having another child just that I wish we had people around us who also loved our children. Mainly because I feel sad for my children. I know they don't notice much now but things like not being able to have birthday parties because no one would come. When we had our daughter we had 1 "visitor" after she was born, my mom, most of our family hasn't even met her (she's 20 months). That just turned into a whine session so I'm sorry for that but that is why I mentioned family support being a consideration in our decision. My DH says he wants another but doesn't want to push me so I guess I just have a lot more thinking to do. I have heard others so confidently say they are done having children so I guess I've wondered if everyone gets that feeling but you are probably right there are probably some women who will always have "the urge." Thank you for your thoughtful response and good luck!

Oh, wow, that was not what I was thinking about your lack of family support! It's heartbreaking that they haven't even MET your daughter...that's so sad. But I'm sure you, DH and your boys love her enough for everyone!!!! At least your DH is supportive :) I had to browbeat mine into submission and it took almst 4 years! (our DS2 is 3.5). And just because I feel someone is missing doesn't mean I don't have those "what are you thinking, you want another one?!?!" days (or weeks). I'm sure you will figure out what will be best for you, DH and your kids.
Angie

Thank you so much for the encouraging words! It is sad they haven't met her and I know it's their loss (she is amazing as are our boys :) even though I might be just a little biased). And I am very glad DH is on board but he's the type that is always up for something new! I guess my OCD brain needs to get over the notion that all our kids have to be equally spaced. That is why I'm feeling so much pressure to decide now because I know that if we wait much longer the time difference between 3 and 4 will be noticeably longer than between 1 and 2 and also 2 and 3 (they are 2 years and 3 months apart each). I need to remember we have time; we had kids young (sometimes I worry too young) and our youngest is only 20 months.

Good luck and I wish you peace and joy!!!

I don't know if you are still visiting here but I am in a similar situation!

My DS1 was born in 2007 and has autism. He needed so much from us for so long, we thought we would not have another. But then things started going really well and we had DS2 last year. That pregnancy was hard for me, healthy but hard (lots of nausea, pelvic pain, and scary bleeding issues the first trimester). And then the sib adjustment for DS1 has been challenging. He adores his little brother but he definitely could use some more attention from me. I homeschool him. We also have had very little support living on the opposite side of the country from all our family. The one amazing thing for us is my parents are moving to our city this week (after months of prep) and that is going to be very helpful. One other wrinkle for us is that I am 41 (will be 42 this fall) and DH is 46. So we are running out of time if we want to try for one more baby.

I thought we'd be done after DS2 but ever since he was born I have been thinking about having one more. Literally every day, even on the most difficult days. Part of it is I would love one more chance for a girl. And then also I just always wanted more kids and getting a taste of it with DS2 and managing even though it is hard has reawakened my old dream.

ANYWAY I just wanted to empathize. I really know where you are coming from. I am not sure I have any good advice other than to just keep considering it and see what feels right. We haven't completely decided yet and won't for at least 6 more months. DS2 was a C-section so I need to wait until he is 18 mo before I consider pregnancy again. But after some long talks with DH (who was initially against it) I think we are leaning towards it. I keep thinking I would never regret a child I had but I could regret not having one I wanted.

I would live to hear what you both decide. I'm ttc #4. I'm also a the same age beingmommy. It's been an enormous struggle for me. Thinking about it daily. Knowing that I have some tired days and some days that I just can't handle one more thing. HT and swaying have not worked out for us. But, when I think about what would bring me the most joy of all scenarios, it's another child. This has been one of the most stressful decisions of my life. I am going for IUI in a couple of days. Terrified....excited...and obsessed....

I meant "love to hear"

It's amazing how much this can take over your brain! Good luck with your IUI! Are you doing HT swaying with it?

I am still going back and forth a bit. I know I want to try again. I know I would love a little girl for our family. I know I would love another little boy if that was what was meant to be. I do worry about the pregnancy which are always hard for me. And the exhaustion. But we will see!

Wow I was just about to start a thread about this same subject... I also have very hard pregnancies, which makes me scared of a next pregnancy. I get so nausious I barely stayed out of the hospital as I didn't keep enough in but with meds we managed to keep the vomiting to only 3 times a day for 9 months, ugh. And my pelvic pains were so horrible it put me in a wheelchair for a year with each pregnancy (5 months into pregnancy and 7 months after baby is born) I have rheumatism and the infections are crippling. My first baby died during the pregnancy, my second baby has autism and ADHD and my third baby is only 2 yo and will be going to get observations to see if he also has autism and/or adhd. I'm exhausted, every day it feels like I'm running a marathon and I do not reach the finish line by loooong. So why do I want another baby? Not just a baby, but only a little girl. I'm only 30, but time is pressuring me as I'll only consider going Ht as I really want this to be my last pregnancy, I can not take anymore pregnancies or kids. But right now I'm still nursing our youngest, so no ivf for me and we have no money for ivf until next year or maybe even in 2 years. If ivf works for us, my two youngest kids would be 5 or 6 years apart! Ugh I just don't know what is the right thing to do for us, so can completely understand all the struggles you all have, it's so hard.

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Originally Posted by beingmommy

It's amazing how much this can take over your brain! Good luck with your IUI! Are you doing HT swaying with it?

I am still going back and forth a bit. I know I want to try again. I know I would love a little girl for our family. I know I would love another little boy if that was what was meant to be. I do worry about the pregnancy which are always hard for me. And the exhaustion. But we will see!

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I'm not really swaying. I'm controlling my calories and exercising more. But that is it. I'm not using any HT to select gender either. The reason is that I already failed IVF twice. My response to stimulation was bad. I could not get many embryos past day 3, and the one embryo that I got at my last cycle to PGD was abnormal. I went to another Dr. In another clinic who basically said that for me, my age is the only limiting factor. Most of my eggs are abnormal at my age. So it may take 3 or 4 more cycles to find the golden egg. I don't have the money for 3-4 more IVF cycles. So that is the main reason I am switching to IUi. She also told me that the PGD process is hard on the embryos as well. A mixed quality embryo in the lab that might not make it to day 5 in the lab, but could potentially make it the human body. If I was younger I would have tried more IVF. But at my age and my IVf history, I don't feel like I have that option anymore. I don't know what else I could do to sway with IUI. I have been trying to sway and had a miscarriage. Other than that miscarriage, I have not been able to get pregnant for a number of months, which Is why I went for iUI--not to waste any more time. I think that just getting pregnant will be a gift at this point.

Good luck to you. I hear what you are saying about the exhaustion. It terrifies me too.

Thank you all so much! I'm sorry you are struggling with decisions as well but it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

My sons having autism and ADHD and my daughter, so far, has been the easiest baby and toddler so that makes me feel even more desperate for a girl this time. Even though logically I know that it's about personality and girls aren't "easier" than boys but since that has been my experience it's hard to get it out of my head. Not to mention we do have an increased "risk" of having another child with autism and that goes down a bit if we have a girl. You ladies have helped put that into perspective for me by helping me remember every pregnancy, no matter the gender, is a gift.

We are going to be trying again and I have started to do the same light away I did last time. I have anxiety and if I get too obsessed with swaying I know it will defeat the purpose because I will stress so much and sway blue. My husband is convinced we will have another girl and doesn't even give it a second thought. But I will say he has been right every time. With our 1st he wouldn't even talk about girl names because he *knew* it was a boy. With the 2nd he had no preference and didn't say much about gender and we did talk about both. And then from the moment we conceived our 3rd he would only talk about girl names and even bought girl outfits as soon as I was pregnant. I was nervous because I thought that would make it harder if it was a boy but DH was right again so let's hope he's right this time too.

Good luck to all of you as well! I'm going to try and get back involved on here for support. Although it might be kind of difficult, it had taken me 30minutes to type this because I keep having to stop to address my little ones so forgive me for typos and just plain bad writing.

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I wanted to share a few pictures with you ladies of my family (so far ;))

Lovely family!! :heart:

I won't butt in here but I did want to mention one thing- my daughter is NOT my easiest child LOL! ;)

Thanks so much atomic! And thanks for the perspective I definitely know several families where that is the case and that is something I'm finding oddly comforting. I guess it makes me feel more like things will be fine either way and each child is unique so matter the gender we will be getting a new unique personality.

Jamie, your kids are beautiful! I am glad to hear you are going to try again. Even though things are hard and have been hard for us I keep finding that deciding to have more kids brings on this lovely hopeful feeling about life in general. It is helping carry me through some of my fears.

I keep hoping that if we had one last little babe and it was a girl she'd be a sweet little easy one. I know, though, that you can never tell! My DS2 who seems NT so far has been super high needs. Much higher than my DS1 with ASD. DS1 seemed high needs when he was a baby but DS2 is so much more! Whew!

We still haven't fully decided if we will try for one more but DH is getting more on board with it and I think it is a real possibility. But we wouldn't start TTC until next year.

What a gorgeous family!! 💜
We have no support either and our families suck big time too, are more a hindrance than a help and don't think we should have had any kids either, let alone six, but here we are trying again. 😉

I thought we would be done after DS6 but I just don't have that "were done" feeling. I so feel like after this baby, we will be done (although secretly hoping for twins again so we have even numbers 😉).

Goodluck in whatever you decide to do and you do have all the support and understanding ever possible on this site. 😊👍