Really bad evening at dance class last night
This is part gender desire/envy, and part secondary infertility rage.
So there's a preggo lady in my Thurs night ballet class. She's about 6 months along. I've had to bite my lip and suffer through class being just plain jealous of her pregnancy.
Last week, we find out she is having a girl. Well gee whiz of course she is! And I HATE that class because everyone wants to talk about her pregnancy EXCEPT ME. So I have to just stew and be bitter and paste a fake smile on. For the whole hour. Well more, because she'll yak and yak about it in the dressing room before and after too.
Yesterday evening, a second lady announced her pregnancy. And all I could think was, F*CK ME. The two of them are now 'pregnancy BFF's'! I wanted to puke. They yakked before class. They yakked ALL DURING CLASS. And worst of all, in the middle when we usually stretch for 5 min or so before continuing class, everyone just sat around on the floor while they talked endlessly about pregnancy stuff for 15 min. So not only do I have to LISTEN to an entire class of nothing but pregnancy (and baby girl!!!!) talk, but now I'm being cheated out of actual dancing.
My fake smile was failing me so badly I had to get up and pretend to stretch at the barre for awhile because I couldn't not look mad.
The part that makes me want to STAB THINGS, was how preggo lady #2 was doing nothing but bitching. Whining, moaning, bitching. How shitty her doc was for going on vacay so she won't get her early scan! So most people would think it was because she was worried to make sure baby is healthy. Nope. She is upset she won't get her scan at 11-12 weeks because any longer and she might show, and that just wouldn't do if she terminated because people might know she was pregnant.
Ok at that point I was just raging inside. Yes I have huge gender desire for a girl. But I'm hitting the point where I just am desperate to have another baby. I'm listening to all this thinking, last BFP I had ended in a m/c. And we've been, while not actively tracking and trying to nail O, at least 'not preventing' since Feb 2013, and I'm not pregnant. Not to mention that with DS#3 we went through a Down Syndrome scare (which fortunately turned out ok) and had to make the VERY HARD decision not to terminate, and had even made plans for what we would do if we had a Down's child. So to hear the matter tossed around so trivially was a really sensitive trigger for me.
I can stand to be around pregnant woman. But being around obnoxious preggo woman who yak on like the entire world should be as interested in their pregnancies as they are is a whole 'nother story.
Sometimes I feel like having secondary infertility tendencies (it took us 14 months to finally get preggo with DS3) is such a lonely place to be. I don't fit in with infertility boards, and I don't want to be judged for looking 'greedy' since I already do have healthy children. But secondary infertility hurts too, it always hurts when you want more children and have a hard time conceiving, whether it's child #2 or child #4+. Add in the gender envy and I was in an hour of HELL. It's not prenatal class, there's no reason I should have to put up with this. I can't even see any way to bring it up to the teacher since the teacher is good friends with preggo lady #1 and likes all the preggo talk.
I spent the whole drive home afterwards crying in the car. What an absolute sucktastic evening that was.
