How do you cope with friends with the desired gender?

A very good friend recently miscarried twin girls. My heart completely breaks for her. I feel awful -- she has a little boy already and really wanted a girl. She also has a history of miscarriages and the whole thing is tragic.

But, I was thinking... in real life, I am not close to anyone with daughters. My sister, my friends -- all boys or no children. I do not know how I would cope with someone having a daughter. I imagine my friend -- and while my heart truly is broken for her -- I know that I would have had difficulty being a very good friend once her daughters were here. A few less-close friends, I just drifted away from entirely when they had girls (I don't even send perfunctory Christmas cards). Maybe it sounds really shallow, but it hurts. It hurts to know the one piece I wanted for my family will never be... and others have it.

But, if my sister-in-laws ever have daughters, do I just stop going to family functions with my husband's family? If good friends do end up with daughters, do I just stop returning phone calls and let it fade away.

How do you cope with it? What do you do?

It really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I mean I had some yucky moments with my niece especially when I was pg with DS 3, I don't enjoy her birthday parties AT ALL still even though I'm ok with my GD these days, but at the same time, I was never plummeted into assuming a fetal position or crying over it or anything even at my worst (and I was crying and in a fetal position a LOT during that time LOL.)

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

I wouldn't have known this at first, it was only after I forced myself to face the experience a couple times and be around some little girls that I realized I wasn't jealous and I didn't want any of them. The person who I would be jealous of doesn't exist.

It bugs me WAY more when people who I think are just vile, get their DG. WAY more because it feeds the "universe hates me" aspect of my GD. That part, I still really struggle with sometimes.

I worry about this quite a bit. Our currently infertile friends could get pregnant any day, and I have a terrible fear of how I will react if they have a girl. I'm not really close to the woman, so it won't ruin a good friendship or anything, but the idea of it will mess me up, I think.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

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ITA with this. A lot of the time, it's the idea of a girl that hurts so much. When you're in a situation with one specific girl, and you get to see how she acts and dresses, you realize that you'll only feel satisfied with a little girl if she's yours.

That doesn't mean that seeing the clothes and the hair and the non-truck toys won't hurt. But hopefully it won't be that deep, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing an anonymous pretty girl in the store.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. .

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Exactly!! I try to remeber this everytime I find out someone else is having agirl, TRY to be happy for them! I do get jealous sometimes and it annoys me if people are smug about it. Though sometimes when people get their DG, especially after 1/2/3 of the same gender it gives me hope that I will one day get mine!

I understand that, a friend of mine is going to be having her baby shower on Jan 22nd for her 2nd girl (that is what she wanted) and I dont know if I can even go If I hear "Its a boy" for the 4th time. I am not sure it is enough time between now and then to cope with the my GD for my dear daughter I will never have.

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Originally Posted by all3lovecars

I understand that, a friend of mine is going to be having her baby shower on Jan 22nd for her 2nd girl (that is what she wanted) and I dont know if I can even go If I hear "Its a boy" for the 4th time. I am not sure it is enough time between now and then to cope with the my GD for my dear daughter I will never have.

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If you hear boy, don't torture yourself: stay home from the shower. (Come down with a very convenient cold.)

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

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I'm like this too. I'm not really a kid person, and don't particularly like other people's kids. So even though there is a bit of jealousy when I hear that someone else is having a girl, their actual daughter doesn't make me feel bad or jealous. It's not MY GIRL. Well said!

atomic sagebrush: soooo well-said. I couldn't have said it better. The only exception is my brother's dd, who (I think and everyone says) looks and acts just like me! She is soooo precious in her mannerisms, the way she talks, I am just head-over-heels in love with her, and my brother is totally sweet and supportive toward me knowing that I would give just about anything to have my dd someday, but it just hurts in my bones. It makes sense what you said about the "universe hates me" part of GD. I get that alot. I think about "am I not a good enough person" or "why am I being punished" sorts of thoughts... I am totally looking forward to having our third little man, because I love him and will surely be absolutely crazy about him, but I soooo mourn the loss of the little girl who didn't come to us, and the fear that she may NEVER come to us... and the fear behind the future -- to go high tech, will it work, how will we manage all of the details from Europe to the U.S., what if it doesn't work, would I be willing to try swaying again, can I even handle 4 kids?????.... So many questions and fears and unknowns... and life has already thrown us a lot of hardballs in the last 5 years...

Anyhow, sorry for my pity-party. I just really liked what and how you said that. It rings so true and it really helps to feel less alone in this tough journey of GD.....

Ok so I totally understand how you feel!!
However to me depends who is having my desired gender, my sister and brother had each a boy I was SUPER happy now my sister in law who also has two girls is prego if I find she is having a boy I am sure I will be DEVESTATED just because it is HER not baby she is a bit$$ and anyways just think if one day you will have you desired gender he /she will be the most precious baby you have ever seen

I have a very difficult time being close to anyone once they have a daughter! My best friend of 20 years and I barely talk anymore, and I think a lot of our "problems" may actually be due to my issues with her having a daughter. She had her first child (a girl) when my first boy was 18 months old. It didn't bother me at first because I just assumed I would have my own girl next time. Well, now I have had 2 more boys, and I almost can't deal at all with anyone that has girls. I mean...I wanted all girls, and I don't even have one!!! :-(

If my brother and SIL ever have a girl, I will probably just lose my mind. Their two boys are already very much the "favorites" in my parents eyes, and I don't need them to have a girl just to rub it in further!

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't cope well at all with this! Until I have a daughter of my own...I don't think I ever will! :-(

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER.

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This is truly a great way of explaining it.

A friend of mine who had a DD first, just found out she's having a boy yesterday. She's over the moon and ecstatic beyond words and telling everyone she can think of, as most people who get their DG do. Of course after I cracked open the wine bottle in a pity party of "why didn't I get that?" and a huge fight with DH over my mood about it, I came on here late last night. And this is a great way of explaining my envy or jealousy. I don't want "her" son, I want my own. I want him to look like my DH and me and so I can name him and dress him and raise him in the way that I want to experience. So while I'm envious of her situation, I know once he's here, I won't want her son, I still want my own.

It bothers me when I see my SIL and her daughter Myah... BIL is hubbys halfbro, same dads.

I only see them about 6x's a year because they keep to themselves mostly. But it is hard to be around them mostly because I see my MIL heartbreak for a girl of her own. Just 2wks ago my IL's came to visit and my BIL and his family came to town as well. They decided to spend 4hrs shopping and then wanted to meet us for a quick dinner. My MIL asked if they wanted to drop Myah off while they shopped and they said no. My MIL was so heartbroken she cried for hours and kept saying they don't trust her because she isn't Myah's grandma.

It pains me to be around Myah and see how her parents ignore her and ignore the love my MIL has for a little girl she calls her granddaughter.

Next weekend is going to be so hard because we are all going to be together for about 4 days for Thanksgiving. And like the past few years everyone else will be responsible for watching Myah while her parents lock themselves in their rooms. I do love her but she has so many behaviour issues from being ignored...

I want so badly to give my MIL a girl of her own. We share the boys and my MIL knows that she doesn't have to ask permission to give something to them. It is sad that she has to ask my SIL if it is ok to give Myah a cookie, breakfast, or even water when Myah says she wants something.

Sorry for the babble I am a little sad just thinking about everything... I really wanted to be prego and know the gender for the Holidays so I could tell everyone!

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Originally Posted by envisioned

This is truly a great way of explaining it.

A friend of mine who had a DD first, just found out she's having a boy yesterday. She's over the moon and ecstatic beyond words and telling everyone she can think of, as most people who get their DG do. Of course after I cracked open the wine bottle in a pity party of "why didn't I get that?" and a huge fight with DH over my mood about it, I came on here late last night. And this is a great way of explaining my envy or jealousy. I don't want "her" son, I want my own. I want him to look like my DH and me and so I can name him and dress him and raise him in the way that I want to experience. So while I'm envious of her situation, I know once he's here, I won't want her son, I still want my own.

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ITA with this. I'm envious of the situation, not the actual child.

Hugs, PP. Hope next week goes well.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

It really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I mean I had some yucky moments with my niece especially when I was pg with DS 3, I don't enjoy her birthday parties AT ALL still even though I'm ok with my GD these days, but at the same time, I was never plummeted into assuming a fetal position or crying over it or anything even at my worst (and I was crying and in a fetal position a LOT during that time LOL.)

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

I wouldn't have known this at first, it was only after I forced myself to face the experience a couple times and be around some little girls that I realized I wasn't jealous and I didn't want any of them. The person who I would be jealous of doesn't exist.

It bugs me WAY more when people who I think are just vile, get their DG. WAY more because it feeds the "universe hates me" aspect of my GD. That part, I still really struggle with sometimes.

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I agree with all of this, especially the last paragraph. I'm close to a lot of people who have girls but my GD only really flares up when it comes to one person, my sister. She hasn't had her baby yet and I'm hoping that once she does it doesn't bother me as much. I have other nieces and I adore them and being around them doesn't hurt at all. So hopefully once the new one is here and I know the real person, I'll better be able to deal.

You know, the absolute hardest person I've had to deal with has been my sister. She had a boy first and I was absolutely ecstatic! After that i went on to have my second boy. The following year she got pregnant with her second, a girl. It hurt so bad. She never had to experience GD. She had ONE boy and then a girl, without even trying. Without doing anything differently. She just got lucky. Oh and by the way, she wanted a girl. So, what happens two years later? She has a surprise/accidental pregnancy. She was all upset but she said she wanted another girl. To me, as a mom of two boys, that seemed so selfish! It made me mad that she even had a preference after already having one of each. And guess what. It was another freaking girl. I was beside myself, and could never ever show it.

Now her oldest girl is 4 and baby is 2. The little one has some developmental issues so i don't feel jealously toward her (and that is mainly because i already have a child with a disability and I would never long for another child with issues regardless of gender), however I do get jealous of the other daughter. She's just very sweet and cute, etc. But like Atomic said, I don't want her, I want MY girl.

It's very annoying because when I've mentioned my feelings to my mom, she said, "well at least you have neices! You can buy pretty pink things for them!" Doesn't she know that makes it hurt even more? No, she doesn't because she had nothing but daughters. *sigh*

Luckily my sister and I are still close, and we get together all the time. I do fine with it now. There are times when it hurts (especially when I see how much my mom seems to favor the girls), but I've kind of accepted it. But I haven't even told my sister that I'm TTC because I hate for her to know I want something so badly that she has. And also, I don't want to tell her I'm swaying and all of this crap and then have to tell her I'm having another boy. Ugh. I'd rather say "oops, I accidentally got pregnant! Damn ,i should have swayed! Oh well!" LOL Does that make ANY sense? I just don't want her to know how hard I'm trying for a girl!!

I'm not telling anyone that I'm swaying, I told my Mom but she disapproved of the time period (we are going to do it sooner than later, she wants me to wait until late next year or the year after) I want 2 and 3 close together, and hubby is aboard right now, and hubby is a bear sometimes, and while he's in the mood to TTC, I want to catch it while it's hot!

Some friends of mine know that I am going to TTC next year but I've been telling them that I want a 3rd boy to complete my family...a "trio of cute boys" because I think it would hurt a lot more to tell them I'm TTC a girl and get a boy. It's easier I think pretending I want a boy all along so if it does happen, I won't have to deal with their sympathy when I'm already going to be upset.

Only my mom and brother know how badly I really want a daughter, my sisters I don't talk to much. Sometimes, I don't know if I really want a daugther because everyone will get off my back about having two boys or if I really, really do want her for myself. My husband does not want a daughter at all, and I know he is hoping the sway fails. He's terrified of dealing with a daughter, he has all kinds of wrong preconcieved notions about a daughter. Obviously, I hope we have a daughter because I think it would help HIM work through those issues.

My SIL has a boy. I will lose it if she has a PP. It will be the only girl grandbaby. When I see with moms with boys, I get so happy because I feel like I have solidarity with them.

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Originally Posted by auroara78

Some friends of mine know that I am going to TTC next year but I've been telling them that I want a 3rd boy to complete my family...a "trio of cute boys" because I think it would hurt a lot more to tell them I'm TTC a girl and get a boy. It's easier I think pretending I want a boy all along so if it does happen, I won't have to deal with their sympathy when I'm already going to be upset.

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I did this and it helped tremendously. I talked for a year about wanting another and that I was hoping for a boy. I even had myself convinced of it. When I finally got pregnant and announced the sex almost everyone was just flat out happy and excited for me because they thought I was getting what I wanted.

@lucysky, I feel the same way. I saw lots of boy moms while out shopping today. It made me happy. I wish I had some all boy mom friends in real life. Everyone I know has a mix or all girls.

agree, I love seeing boy moms out and about when I'm shopping..makes me feel like I'm part of an elite group!!

Hi
I'm 8 weeks pregnant with #4. After 3 boys (and a huge GD with #3) i'm praying and hoping for a little girl now. But I'm trying to tell myself that 4 boys would be great. That it would be sad for that one girl growing up with 3 brothers, that i really don't care if it's a boy again, as long as it's healthy blablabla....but deep inside I know better...

Amen to what Atomic said. I feel identical to that. The only reason I don't 100% get too depressed is b/c we planned on a large family anyway, so I feel like it's still within my reach. If DH didn't want more or something, I thing everyone's pregnancies and announcements would put me totally on edge and I'd be more nervous for their ultrasounds than them!!!

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Originally Posted by Halah

I agree with all of this, especially the last paragraph. I'm close to a lot of people who have girls but my GD only really flares up when it comes to one person, my sister. She hasn't had her baby yet and I'm hoping that once she does it doesn't bother me as much. I have other nieces and I adore them and being around them doesn't hurt at all. So hopefully once the new one is here and I know the real person, I'll better be able to deal.

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I agree with Atomic too, and yes, especially the last paragraph. When my sisters - whom I am close with - had girls it did not bother me. They are my nieces, and an extention of my family. When a "friend" who had a reputation for being, hmm how shall I say this? Permiscuous is putting it nicely. Well when she had 2 daughters around the time I had my 2 sons, I was livid. All I could think was that something was "off" with the universe or that the universe hated me. Why would this happen? I also have another type of person who bothers me. I guess they still fall under the category of "vile" people. These people were very vocal about wanting a boy but then they had a girl. That is not what I have an issue with - it's how some of them acted afterwards. I know 2 of them who are the worst offenders. They say things like, "I thought I wanted a boy, but now I'm SOOOO glad I have a girl" as if they were wrong for wanting a boy, and instead got the better deal - and they say it to ME without even thinking about how that might make me feel! These same people go overboard with the princess stuff, dresses and all things girly. They'll say things like "MY princess!" or "Spoiled? Oh, not MY little diva!". It bothers me, because I feel as though they are purposely and annoyingly rubbing it in my face. There's also the fact that I can't say, "I thought I wanted a girl, but I'm SO glad I had boys!" It's just not true! I don't even think I could say it with a straight face, and even if I could, I don't think anyone would believe me! The fact that the opposite was true for them really does make me feel like they got the better deal. I really can't stand to be around those people and I have purposely distanced myself from them.

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Originally Posted by purplepoet20

It bothers me when I see my SIL and her daughter Myah... BIL is hubbys halfbro, same dads.

I only see them about 6x's a year because they keep to themselves mostly. But it is hard to be around them mostly because I see my MIL heartbreak for a girl of her own. Just 2wks ago my IL's came to visit and my BIL and his family came to town as well. They decided to spend 4hrs shopping and then wanted to meet us for a quick dinner. My MIL asked if they wanted to drop Myah off while they shopped and they said no. My MIL was so heartbroken she cried for hours and kept saying they don't trust her because she isn't Myah's grandma.

It pains me to be around Myah and see how her parents ignore her and ignore the love my MIL has for a little girl she calls her granddaughter.

Next weekend is going to be so hard because we are all going to be together for about 4 days for Thanksgiving. And like the past few years everyone else will be responsible for watching Myah while her parents lock themselves in their rooms. I do love her but she has so many behaviour issues from being ignored...

I want so badly to give my MIL a girl of her own. We share the boys and my MIL knows that she doesn't have to ask permission to give something to them. It is sad that she has to ask my SIL if it is ok to give Myah a cookie, breakfast, or even water when Myah says she wants something.

Sorry for the babble I am a little sad just thinking about everything... I really wanted to be prego and know the gender for the Holidays so I could tell everyone!

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That's so not right! I don't particularly care for my exMIL but she adores all 3 of my DDs (even though the last 2 are not anything to her except her GDD's little sisters). My exMIL had 4 boys and 1 girl. Her DD can't have kids and of my ex and his brothers, there's 5 grandsons so my DD is her only GDD. She has always thought of my 2 DDs on holidays and birthdays and often asks DD #1 to bring her sisters over to her to visit. Despite my feelings for the woman, she's always been good to my girls and they even call her GrammaMary which I'm OK with (we don't use "half" in our family).

Here's to hoping you and your MIL get your pink!!!!

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Originally Posted by auroara78

I'm not telling anyone that I'm swaying, I told my Mom but she disapproved of the time period (we are going to do it sooner than later, she wants me to wait until late next year or the year after) I want 2 and 3 close together, and hubby is aboard right now, and hubby is a bear sometimes, and while he's in the mood to TTC, I want to catch it while it's hot!

Some friends of mine know that I am going to TTC next year but I've been telling them that I want a 3rd boy to complete my family...a "trio of cute boys" because I think it would hurt a lot more to tell them I'm TTC a girl and get a boy. It's easier I think pretending I want a boy all along so if it does happen, I won't have to deal with their sympathy when I'm already going to be upset.

Only my mom and brother know how badly I really want a daughter, my sisters I don't talk to much. Sometimes, I don't know if I really want a daugther because everyone will get off my back about having two boys or if I really, really do want her for myself. My husband does not want a daughter at all, and I know he is hoping the sway fails. He's terrified of dealing with a daughter, he has all kinds of wrong preconcieved notions about a daughter. Obviously, I hope we have a daughter because I think it would help HIM work through those issues.

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Good luck!!! Here's to pink!!!

My mum was more upset that we used IVF and didn't (couldn't) use the rest of the embies we created. I had a hard enough time with it myself (they're MY kids, why can't I have them all?) but knowing they wouldn't have survived makes it easier for everyone to understand (even my mum). So at Christmas her cousin finds out she's gonna be a grandma for the first time (she's 15 years younger than my mum) and my mum gets all moody cuz she's not gonna be a grandma (again). My 4 kids lit into her on THAT one! My brother's new wife won't have kids with him (she's got 2 of her own and is using the "Down's Syndrome" excuse! Man, I want to punch her on that one!!!) and none of my cousins will ever have kids so it's been me.
I can't tell you how smug she is now knowing there's 1 cooking.... and a boy to boot... Now, we'll see if MIL is going to be as smug.... (she only wanted 1 grandson ~ has one from SIL and 1 granddaughter ~ our first, and she doesn't acknowledge our DD #2 so should be interesting to see her reaction to DS. Last time she was pissed; she'll get over it!)

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Originally Posted by auroara78

agree, I love seeing boy moms out and about when I'm shopping..makes me feel like I'm part of an elite group!!

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LOL, I want back in that group!!!

I just start distancing myself when I find out there is a pink bundle on the way.....I realized this recently, and it pains me to think that I am that shallow. I do hope to join the ranks of my friends who have had 2 boys, then a girl.