Feeling alone, angry and depressed...

It's all hit me now. I feel so down and I can't talk to anyone about it, no one understands it, even my husband has run out of things to say. Everyone says the same things which just makes me so cross, it could not be less helpful and then when I don't have anything to say the tutting and the eye rolling begins like I'm the most ungrateful, inhuman woman alive. And I haven't even told anyone it's definitely a boy yet, these reactions only happened when I was saying I wanted a girl.
I so want to be happy but this just all feels wrong, I don't want to look at baby boy clothes, I don't like any names my husband suggests, none of them seem right and the thought of getting all my sons old baby clothes back out makes me tear up. I cannot get excited at all. All the things which should be exciting fill me with dread, I just don't want this to happen.
Plus I'm turning bitter and extremely jealous of anyone I know with a girl.
And all the what ifs, what if this feeling doesn't go away? What if this affects the bond with my baby? Because right now the thought of holding another baby boy and dressing him in the same clothes as my first isn't something I want to do.
And now of course I feel like an awful human being who doesn't even deserve another baby at all, maybe I don't.

Well honey...I remember being where you are when I found out about DD3. DH and I were so crushed we didn't speak to each other for a whole weekend. I couldn't face him and he just looked devastated.

I relate well to the dread. As I got bigger and bigger and giving birth got closer the comments from the local idiots got worse and my dread grew. I wanted the whole thing to go away too but a massive belly didn't help that. Not being pregnant anymore made a world of difference but until then this is a challenge.

My advice to you would be keep the gender to yourself unless you are telling someone you KNOW will be compassionate. Strangers just don't deserve the right to drain you of your emotions, you need them for yourself right now.

If someone wants to discuss your pregnancy/gender/etc and you don't feel like it all you have to say politely is "I don't want to discuss that right now". The older I get the more I cherish direct and blunt (but polite) communication.

Their is something to be said for "fake it until you make it'. I am not suggesting that you act excited or bubbly about something you are NOT excited about, but you are a mum and you are raising kids and being a wife so that is what you are doing. No where does life dictate that you have to do that with excessive joy and excitement. Just go through the motions and in time you will move on from this grief.

Allowing the grieving process to run its course is always advisable. If you don't know much about it reading up on it and finding your place in it can't hurt, might help. It can give you hope that you will eventually come out of it.

It may be advisable to speak to a counselor too. Even over the phone. With DD3 I lived overseas on a small military base and the counselors were morons. If I had been stateside when I found out about DD3 I would have gotten some help. Counseling has always helped me, even in short spurts.

Using the Serenity Prayer and the phrase "this too shall pass" can only help in those deep dark moment. Don't think you are alone, many of us have been there and are here to tell you it will pass. Try to be nicer to yourself than anyone else would be, this is your life, your grief, and your challenge. Its up to you, in many ways, to work through it and come out of it with the learning and understanding that only you can find.

As we wait to find out about this baby's gender, the dread of another girl is there, but I conquered my grief with DD3 and in the end I am happy to be able to have a 4th baby so I'll be fine either way. You will be where I am at one day too, I promise.

Big hugs mama...this pregnant lady cries at everything these days and thinking of the struggle you are in the middle of is making me cry. I PROMISE it will be ok. And what the future holds is irrelevant to today. Live in today and soon enough your "todays" will not be haunted by gender disappointment but the joys of living, being a mum and a wife.

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Originally Posted by Adia

Well honey...I remember being where you are when I found out about DD3. DH and I were so crushed we didn't speak to each other for a whole weekend. I couldn't face him and he just looked devastated.

I relate well to the dread. As I got bigger and bigger and giving birth got closer the comments from the local idiots got worse and my dread grew. I wanted the whole thing to go away too but a massive belly didn't help that. Not being pregnant anymore made a world of difference but until then this is a challenge.

My advice to you would be keep the gender to yourself unless you are telling someone you KNOW will be compassionate. Strangers just don't deserve the right to drain you of your emotions, you need them for yourself right now.

If someone wants to discuss your pregnancy/gender/etc and you don't feel like it all you have to say politely is "I don't want to discuss that right now". The older I get the more I cherish direct and blunt (but polite) communication.

Their is something to be said for "fake it until you make it'. I am not suggesting that you act excited or bubbly about something you are NOT excited about, but you are a mum and you are raising kids and being a wife so that is what you are doing. No where does life dictate that you have to do that with excessive joy and excitement. Just go through the motions and in time you will move on from this grief.

Allowing the grieving process to run its course is always advisable. If you don't know much about it reading up on it and finding your place in it can't hurt, might help. It can give you hope that you will eventually come out of it.

It may be advisable to speak to a counselor too. Even over the phone. With DD3 I lived overseas on a small military base and the counselors were morons. If I had been stateside when I found out about DD3 I would have gotten some help. Counseling has always helped me, even in short spurts.

Using the Serenity Prayer and the phrase "this too shall pass" can only help in those deep dark moment. Don't think you are alone, many of us have been there and are here to tell you it will pass. Try to be nicer to yourself than anyone else would be, this is your life, your grief, and your challenge. Its up to you, in many ways, to work through it and come out of it with the learning and understanding that only you can find.

As we wait to find out about this baby's gender, the dread of another girl is there, but I conquered my grief with DD3 and in the end I am happy to be able to have a 4th baby so I'll be fine either way. You will be where I am at one day too, I promise.

Big hugs mama...this pregnant lady cries at everything these days and thinking of the struggle you are in the middle of is making me cry. I PROMISE it will be ok. And what the future holds is irrelevant to today. Live in today and soon enough your "todays" will not be haunted by gender disappointment but the joys of living, being a mum and a wife.

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Your words are just so wonderful & wise Adia x x I needed to read this as GD is ever present even with ds3 being 12 months old now. I really really hope that you get your dream come true x x

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Thank you Adia. Your words are of great comfort to me, just knowing I'm not alone and you too have felt the way I do makes a difference. It's so nice to not have someone say the usual lines but instead sympathise and relate to how I feel and not make me feel like what I'm feeling is wrong.
Reading what you wrote made me cry too, pregnancy hormones eh?
Knowing that you have been down where I am and come out the other side is so good to know. So thank you and I really really hope you get your little man. xxx

You are not alone amo! I totally feel your pain. Adia, that was wonderful advice, and I take heart that in time, my gender disappointment / gender desire will subside.

I found it helped me to select the name of our son. It helped me let go of the little girl that was "baby #2" and start bonding with Justin Alexander, the little boy growing in my belly.

I was out shopping today and of course, all the most adorable Christmas dresses were on clearance. As I was standing in line waiting to return something I sat there just staring sadly at this beautiful little girls dress that just brought up all the gender disappointment stuff for me. The line was so long I probably stared at that dress for 20 minutes. Sigh....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..... Truly, this has been my prayer to God, over and over and over. Not, God, let the harmony test gender be wrong, but, let me make peace with the fact that I am never going to have a daughter.

You are not alone, amo. We will all get through this.


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I found that the GD with DS2 was the hardest. I felt like you. It was good to not tell ppl the gender. The first weeks were the hardest. But it helped picking a name and making the nursery Nice. Buying adorable outfits. (Online at first.)
Later it just came back in moments. I just couldn't Imagine loving another boy so much as our first. But as soon he was born I was overwelmed. He was so different and his own little person.

GD with DS3 was way less. Still there though. But way less.
I Told ppl after 5 WK's or so. When I Could do it without tearing up.
And he too is soooo special! They arent my 3 boys they are .... & .... & .... My children how just happend to be boys.
I love them so much I knew GD would be very limited if this would be a boy again.
Now I'm having a girl. And sometimes I feel a bit sad that I will never have a babyboy again. Pregnancy hormones.

I just needed to hold the baby smell the baby and see it to get pass GD. I had a hard time imagening the child while pg (even now. Pg isn't different then with the boys. It doesn't feel like heaven now or something. I really made it a bigger deal in my head then it is)

Give yourself time and take it one babystep at a time. 3 steps forward 2 back. But you'll get there.

Trying really hard not to let the anger take over recently.
I told most people my scan was a week later than it actually was just so I had that extra bit of time to process the result (if it was boy) before I had everyone asking me about it and also because my ds1's birthday was the day after and I really didn't want to talk about it whatever the result as it was his day.
Fair enough, right?
Well my bloody father in law told my brother & sister in law (who had just found out they were having a boy) when my scan really was. As they are on their first baby and wanted a boy they do not understand gender disappointment in the slightest and don't understand why I did what I did so I found myself having to try and explain and defend my actions, something you probably all know is quite difficult. We were all quite close before but now I find everyone seems distant and really judgemental when I was trying to explain my feelings.
I've always been open and sharing with everything else but now I feel everyone is condemning me for wanting to keep one thing to myself, just until I can deal with it before I share it with everyone else. Now they're not sharing anything at all and it feels quite spiteful, I was trying to ask them about names and they won't even discuss it.
I feel even more alone now, everyone seems pissed off with me because they can't even comprehend why anyone would feel like I do, they just think I lied and they can't understand why. I don't think I even want to know what they really think about my gender disappointment.

Amo, I understand how hard it is to be shut out and have to curl up into yourself. I have been shunned from my family for different reasons and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with it. But it is a blessing in some bizarre way.

You need this time for yourself. Every family/marriage/friendship, etc goes through ups and downs. This is just a bump in the relationship with your family and it will pass.

You have to make yourself your first priority to deal with this loss effectively. Be more about you than you have ever been, super hard for sweet mums who think of others first.

I didn't deal well with my grief when I found out about DD3 and I regret it. I ate poorly, gained tons of weight, cried, hated people, fought off bitterness at DH, etc....not good for anyone, me especially.

You have no idea what the future holds for you and the way you deal with this grief now will help you in the future in so many different things. I think it took me years longer to get past my GD because of my poor habits and coping during the last half of my pregnancy with DD3. I don't want that for you.

I was in your same shoes a year ago when I found out my second and most likely last baby was another boy.

I guess what helped me was that even though I was sad and depressed about not having the baby girl I dreamed about, I decided I was going to celebrate my new little man. It wasn't easy but I bought him special things just for him. You don't have to only use your older son's hand me downs. I shopped a lot online for extra cute clothes and unique toys. They ARE out there. And when I was ready I went through my older son's baby clothes and it was actually kind of sweet but I did get rid of stuff I just didn't like. Lol

Another thing that helped was preparing for the birth and focusing on that. I wanted a natural birth this time since I had so many complications from my first son's very medicated delivery. So, maybe however you are planning on delivering maybe focus on that and what you want to do differently or similar to your first baby. It's a tough job no matter how it's done, and"preparing" can really take the focus off of your GD. Even just researching things you want to do differently in caring for your second child or in your second pregnancy. It can make it all feel "new." If I'm making sense.

Also, take care of yourself. Not just for your baby but for you! You are going through a lot right now. Do whatever you can to rest, feel good about yourself and try, try to enjoy your pregnancy. I say that because now that my son is here and knowing he is probably my last, I wish I would have relished in my last pregnancy, if that makes sense!

You are not alone, a lot of women have been where you are, nothing wrong with how you are feeling!

Oh, and once you see your boys together it will melt your heart, I promise! I just tell myself my son needed a brother more than I needed a daughter. It still hurts not to have one but makes me happy for my son.

Unfortunately, there are some people who just don't get it. It doesn't mean your feelings are less valid...nor does it mean that you owe them any sort of explanation for your choices. So you wanted to wait to tell people, that is NONE of their business and even though you did attempt to explain it, them not getting it is not your fault and their treatment of you is not a reflection of how you should feel about things. I hate it when people behave as though they get to judge your feelings and decisions. At this point, I totally agree with with Aida (who spoke incredibly eloquently), only tell those who can support you appropriately. It's also okay to say to those who don't provide the proper support "I don't appreciate your judgement on something you clearly don't understand." It might sound blunt, but if they are rude enough to make comments on your family and your life, it's alsoyour right to or speak up when you don't feel hone conversation is worthwhile.

I am with everyone else. This feeling and these emotions WILL pass. In fact, I think many who have been through a particularly GD-ridden pregnancy end up with an even stronger connection to their child than they ever imagined. I was sad and feeling hopeless and was angry at times when I was expecting my second son. It felt isolating, since no one seemed t

(Sorry, keyboard froze!) to understand where those feelings were coming from or why I couldn't just accept things as they were. I did what others suggested...planned for him very extensively. I bought him tons of new stuff, made different choices, named him and talked to him. And when he arrived...the first words I said to him were "I've been waiting for you!" And it turned out to be true, I was waiting for exactly him. He is very special to me. He and his brother are just so different, I love the differences he introduced me to. Having a second child is such a different experience, you can't imagine it yet. But it's beautiful.

In the meantime, don't force yourself to waste time on those whose opinions don't matter. Try to connect with your baby. And know that this, while it feels yucky, won't last forever.

Hi Amo,
I hope you have found support reading these posts. I do truly know how you feel, had ds4 in July after an 11 year gap from Ds1, 18, ds2, 15 and ds3,11 and i have found it really hard. I find it hard not to be rude when people buy him clothes as we have so many and i am sick of boy stuff. He is a lovely baby, and i do love him very much, but i wish my joy in him wasn't tainted by sadness and i feel really guilty about it. I too have felt a lot of anger and i did have some counselling for it, i would recommend that if possible you go privately for this as if you mention GD and wanting a girl you get all sorts of NHS busybodies thinking you need watching which i found only added to my stress. I would definitely say not being pregnant really helps as we all know it plays havoc with the hormones, but acknowledging how you are feeling also really helps. I have spoken about my disappointment with many people and you know most mothers i have spoken to have understood, but my family (not my parents and MIL who have been great) but cousins and sisters in law have been quite franky crap and insensitive. I can tell you now that strangely it will bring you pleasure and not pain to see ds2 in ds1's old clothes, it often brings back happy memories and my boys love to know when ds4 is in their old things. I kone you will feel better when your little man arrives, but it is hard to be in the dark place you are now. I am sending you lots of love and cyber hugs. we are here for you, and the support you will get on this forum will be invaluable. xxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you all so much for all your support, it's amazing what a difference it makes knowing people understand and relate to how I feel.
Thank you all so much, without this forum I'd feel totally alone.
xxx

Hey Hun, I was very much where you are now about 4 months ago. I didn't really discuss my pregnancy with anyone, didn't buy much (more neutral clothes and nursery decoration than overtly boy stuff), didn't like any names, and I was so stressed about giving birth to a boy again, especially as he was 'supposed' to be my girl. I too also really worried about how I would feel towards him as ds1 was my whole world, and the prospect of my GD becoming pnd really worried me.

He is now 3.5 months old. He is wonderful; so smiley and happy. I can't imagine him NOT being here now. And I loved him the instant he was born. It didn't hit me like a truck like it did for ds1 but more like finding something you lost or put away and had forgotten about... More a 'oh there you are' as it had always been there I just had to find it. He is a boy, but more than that, he is MY CHILD. He is the same gender as his big bro but even now I can see his different personality. My GD has not gone 100% but it's not as all consuming as it was whilst I was pregnant. I think that fear of the unknown has a lot to do with it.

I'm sorry your family is behaving poorly. I honestly think GD is one of those things that had to be experienced to be understood. But again, once he is here I'm sure your family will start to behave better.

You will be ok. Give yourself time. We will support you here.

Xxx