Can you top it!?

So my story is i married into a wonderful family, one wayward brother in law but other then that all good. First to get married been together years to the love of my life, perfect. Hugely male dominated family, MIL wants a grand daughter after two grandsons and 4 sons of her own. Dh and I start trying and created our son. Mean while wayward BIL meets a chick some random and gets her pregnant within 3 weeks of knowing her name, and has her son 3 weeks before or first born son. Next we start trying again 2 years later, guess who falls pregnant right when we start trying and guess what they have YEP a girl. A year it takes me to make ds2 after 2 miscarriages and one d and c., was such a hard year especially with an expectant niece constantly shoved in my face, no body knew what we where going through. Now said BIL are drug addicts who can't keep a house to rent are always fighting, no jobs. How can they get what they want so easy the first granddaughter of the family went to them!! Really!! They are SOOO proud of their daughter yet don't deserve any children!!

But I wouldn't swap my boys for anything and wouldn't want their life for quids.

My story can you top it?


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Can't top it, but relate, SIL is a nut, opposite in my husbands family, I had a DD first and DH family didn't even blink. SIL hasn't found out gender and said if it's a girl, it's a fluke, I'm pretty positive that she will get her desired DS, wouldn't trade DD for anything but it's hard when someone gets what you want with little effort and it's in your face all the time

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Why are you so angry with them? Is it helping you? Will it change anything? DH and I have been through a lot, but I'm not angry with people for what they have. Everyone has their own life, I'm not concerned with their life. I wish everyone the best and hope people feel the same about me. Of course I get upset sometimes, but their life is their own. I love this Polish proverb: not my monkey's, not my circus. Don't allow GD to ruin your life and happiness like this, don't let others affect how you feel about your own family. I bet your boys are perfect :)

DH and i each have 5+ siblings each. Most are married with kid...so I have lots of stories. And we have moved around with DH job for years so I have met A LOT of people over the years.

But I have to mention, my gender desire/disappointment is funny/odd in that when I knew the ins and outs of someone's life, (and it was crappy or they were just crappy people), I rarely had as much GD against them....my GD was more at people who worked overtime to always present their "highlight reel", especially on Facebook, and in day to day living.

It's the old saying that when you really knew someone else's problems, you would never trade your own problems for their problems! I found that true with GD. Even SILs and BILs who ordered certain genders or certain family make-up and got it without any effort, I wouldn't want to live their lives for the world for many reasons.

I totally relate to being upset that others can easily make a girl without effort and not deserve to have children at all, but you wouldn't want that life for you or any child of your own.

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Originally Posted by Adia

DH and i each have 5+ siblings each. Most are married with kid...so I have lots of stories. And we have moved around with DH job for years so I have met A LOT of people over the years.

But I have to mention, my gender desire/disappointment is funny/odd in that when I knew the ins and outs of someone's life, (and it was crappy or they were just crappy people), I rarely had as much GD against them....my GD was more at people who worked overtime to always present their "highlight reel", especially on Facebook, and in day to day living.

It's the old saying that when you really knew someone else's problems, you would never trade your own problems for their problems! I found that true with GD. Even SILs and BILs who ordered certain genders or certain family make-up and got it without any effort, I wouldn't want to live their lives for the world for many reasons.

I totally relate to being upset that others can easily make a girl without effort and not deserve to have children at all, but you wouldn't want that life for you or any child of your own.

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I can relate to once you know the ins and outs of someones life. I think more than anything....its how the person treats me, if they are mean and don't have my best intentions in mind, I find it a lot easier to have GD, negative feelings towards them. I think family can almost always make it worse as well. But for example one of DH friends wife has B,G,B and complains about how she would have been totally fine having only boys, never wanted a girl and complains about her DD (only 2 years old)....she then went on to get pregnant very easily with another DS (my desired gender) and stole our baby boy name. My GD towards her was so bad that I had to block her feeds from facebook. But now that I am getting a DS, she doesn't bother me as much, and I actually re-followed her. Although I still do NOT have a baby name because she stole the one I wanted to use.

SIL on the other hand is giving me a hard time, and my GD is out of control around her, and I am struggling to get it under control, but she is cruel and very mean regarding me having a DD, and it just puts my GD to a new level. Besides these two people, I have very little jealousy or GD towards anyone else, In fact for the most part I route for people to get what they want and am over the moon happy for them when they do.

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Originally Posted by Dana-Alicia

Why are you so angry with them? Is it helping you? Will it change anything? DH and I have been through a lot, but I'm not angry with people for what they have. Everyone has their own life, I'm not concerned with their life. I wish everyone the best and hope people feel the same about me. Of course I get upset sometimes, but their life is their own. I love this Polish proverb: not my monkey's, not my circus. Don't allow GD to ruin your life and happiness like this, don't let others affect how you feel about your own family. I bet your boys are perfect :)

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I think your questions are spot on and rationale. And I think that's the thing that gets most of us, is why am I angry? Will this change anything? Is it helping?

At least in my case I can ask my self these questions until I am blue in the face, but it still does no good and frustrates me to no end...why do I feel this way? Why can't I stop feeling this way? Why can't I just let it go and live in my own life feel happy about my own family? It drives me nuts and these feelings are very atypical from what I normally feel which just fuels my frustration with the way I feel even more.

In my case, almost always when I feel this way about someone its because they are projecting such negativity my way that I can't help but ignore it or leave the situation. The people in my life who create the most GD, are almost always the people who I wouldn't have in my life by choice (SIL, DH's friends wife) and they typically have caused other issues which I have looked past/can get over...but my weak spot is gender, and its like a raw nerve, that once they touch it, I go crazy. I hate this about myself, and pray, out loud sometimes, to stop feeling those feelings, thinking those thoughts! One day I hope to get there, but at least I am aware enough to realize that I shouldn't feel the way I do and should be grateful for what I have...I just am not always rationale enough to do so.

I understand the feelings of anger toward family members who have children irresponsibly. My older sister was a teenage mother and later a drug addict (heroin). It was hard to see her neglect her kids and although I was much younger than she was I stepped in a lot when she was at her worst. Through her own enormous good-faith effort she was able to get clean and has repaired her relationships with both of her kids.

In my case my sister's kids have nothing to do with my GD (if anything I see her kids as proof that I could have been a good mother to a girl) but until she got clean I felt almost unbearable anger toward her for having and neglecting them.

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Originally Posted by Pebbles&BamBam

I think your questions are spot on and rationale. And I think that's the thing that gets most of us, is why am I angry? Will this change anything? Is it helping?

At least in my case I can ask my self these questions until I am blue in the face, but it still does no good and frustrates me to no end...why do I feel this way? Why can't I stop feeling this way? Why can't I just let it go and live in my own life feel happy about my own family? It drives me nuts and these feelings are very atypical from what I normally feel which just fuels my frustration with the way I feel even more.

In my case, almost always when I feel this way about someone its because they are projecting such negativity my way that I can't help but ignore it or leave the situation. The people in my life who create the most GD, are almost always the people who I wouldn't have in my life by choice (SIL, DH's friends wife) and they typically have caused other issues which I have looked past/can get over...but my weak spot is gender, and its like a raw nerve, that once they touch it, I go crazy. I hate this about myself, and pray, out loud sometimes, to stop feeling those feelings, thinking those thoughts! One day I hope to get there, but at least I am aware enough to realize that I shouldn't feel the way I do and should be grateful for what I have...I just am not always rationale enough to do so.

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My questions were not to judge, but to make ts think of what is really making her feel this way. Where are these feelings coming from? And I wonder the same with you, genuinely, what makes it so bad? Do you still have GD even though you have your DS on the way now? Is it possible your SIL and friend were jealous of you? Is it possible they felt bad and went looking for your weak spot and found it? And once you know why they are doing that, doesn't that make you feel better about yourself? Don't allow people to bring you down. They may be the trigger, but you allow them to! I think the only way for us to dodge GD or any negative feeling other people are giving us, is by getting stronger ourselves. It's called positive affirmation. Basically what you do is very simple: you change the voice inside your head. I say basically, as it's simple to say it but hard to believe it. But once you keep saying it to yourself, you start to believe it more and more. Say it, repeat it, whatever gives you strength and power. Whatever makes you happy. As soon as you get feelings or thoughts that drag you down, stop and repeat your positive words. It only has to be one word or one sentence, a few examples: I'm good enough, I am so lucky to have my children! or I'm blessed with my family or SIL would wish she had such a great life like mine! Straighten your back, shoulders back, chest out, raise your chin, look at your strong points and soon you will start to grow as a person.

It will not change the fact we still desire a son or a daughter, but we can be happy with the life we have now. We can be happy with ourselves. We can guard ourselves against the rude comments and jealousy other people express towards us. Because think about it: happy people don't want to hurt others, so the people that do must be unhappy, right? Making yourself feel superior, only means the person that's doing it feels inferior. Knowing that changed everything for me. And since then, I just smile at those people and it confuses them, as I will not be brought down by anyone. I will not allow it. And trust me: I used to get put down a lot. Especially after my little girl died, baby girls seems to be born everywhere! And people would make rude comments like: maybe you're better of now and you can only make boys etc. Like a kick in the face. I was furious, really hated so many people, wished they would understand what it feels like what I was feeling. Honestly, I would never wish the death of a child on anyone, but to walk in my shoes for one day and it will shut anyone up about my life. But they can't and I don't need anyone to understand, not anymore. This is my life, it may not be perfect but it's mine. And I fought hard to get here and I am proud of myself. Perfection is not what I want anymore, what I'm looking for is acceptance and happiness. And i think I'm well on my way!

I would also like to add I have been severely depressed for years and have started anti depressents recently and therapy, it has helped a great deal with my feelings of sadness, anxiety, jealousy etc. I realise now I was ill and I think a lot of us are overwhelmed and depressed as well. We owe it to ourselves to get better, as life can be so good. And I wouldn't have believed it myself if you had told me one year ago, so maybe you all think I'm full of crap ;) But it has helped me and I hope my story can help others and give them strength. Big hugs to you all!

Your posts inspired me Dana-Alicia. Thank you so much for sharing. I had counciling when I had post natal depression 9 months after having my twins. I forgot about positive affirmation. I'm going to try it again. My councilour told me first to stay "stop" to my self to stop the bad thought in it's tracks and to picture a stop sign or something and then go on to the positive thought and it really did save me some days. I still have a hard time with low moods as an after/side effect so I really need to look after myself. It is not because I have GD but when I am at my worse then the GD really flares up. The better a person I become (and I am working on it) and the happier I allow myself to be then the easier I can handle other things in life. I am glad to read that you feel like you are on your way. Congratulations :)

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I can't believe people would actually say mean things to you about losing her.

Great questions to ask myself, my GD has only been due to them. I guess I was just the one in the family meant to have the first girl, mil even bought me a baby shirt saying nans #1 granddaughter etc, years ago. The first time mil met this girl she was 5 months pregnant, she just seemed to swoops in and takes it all. She copied my engagement ring down to the tea and now has one exactly the same........I'm being childish aren't i!?!?

I need to start positive affirmations and get over it. The whole GD hasn't bothered me for ages but now coming up to start ttc again I feel like so much pressure is on me and GD is starting to creep up again, which would be there regardless but I feel it's there just a bit more due to my niece.


I think about being pregnant again and if it is a boy announcing it and just getting sympathy stares like they feel sorry for me, I hate that. I hated defending me ds2 before he was even born. I wouldn't change my boys for anything they are so amazing.


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Dana I'm so sorry about your daughter that's awful!


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Originally Posted by Magical22

Great questions to ask myself, my GD has only been due to them. I guess I was just the one in the family meant to have the first girl, mil even bought me a baby shirt saying nans #1 granddaughter etc, years ago. The first time mil met this girl she was 5 months pregnant, she just seemed to swoops in and takes it all. She copied my engagement ring down to the tea and now has one exactly the same........I'm being childish aren't i!?!?

I need to start positive affirmations and get over it. The whole GD hasn't bothered me for ages but now coming up to start ttc again I feel like so much pressure is on me and GD is starting to creep up again, which would be there regardless but I feel it's there just a bit more due to my niece.


I think about being pregnant again and if it is a boy announcing it and just getting sympathy stares like they feel sorry for me, I hate that. I hated defending me ds2 before he was even born. I wouldn't change my boys for anything they are so amazing.


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I totally understand this. I have one SIL in particular that sounds very parallel to yours. For some reason it just gets to me. And TTC while knowing that you may very well get another of the same gender, and that SIL could easily laugh at you if you did, is very hard.

HOWEVER, I know the ins and out of her life and even though I wish I could easily produce all the genders I order, in the pattern I order, I wouldn't want to be her for a list of reasons.

At the end of the day, when our children are grown and move away, it is us with ourselves and the way we handle the mud thrown at us in life dictates how much we enjoy the journey of life and raising children.

This is my last baby and as much as I dreaded finding out that it might have been another girl, I was looking forward to moving on either way. GD has taken far to much of my time and emotions over the years. Hating and wishing for something that might have never been is exhausting too. Their is more to life than the gender of our children and once we can lay those possibilities to rest we owe it to ourselves, and our loved ones, to make the most out of what we have.

Big hugs mama, I know the cliff of possibilities you are standing on and its very hard and very private.

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Originally Posted by Dana-Alicia

I would also like to add I have been severely depressed for years and have started anti depressents recently and therapy, it has helped a great deal with my feelings of sadness, anxiety, jealousy etc. I realise now I was ill and I think a lot of us are overwhelmed and depressed as well. We owe it to ourselves to get better, as life can be so good. And I wouldn't have believed it myself if you had told me one year ago, so maybe you all think I'm full of crap ;) But it has helped me and I hope my story can help others and give them strength. Big hugs to you all!

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I take antidepressants as well, and they do help! I don't however take them while preggo, but start up immediately after! They make a huge difference for me, and maybe part of why I've been feeling so down/anxious and had slight GD. Who knows! I was at first embarrassed by taking them, but even the DR said, you don't judge someone who needs glasses so why would u judge someone who needed anti depressants ? I do believe that it is a lot of a chemical imbalance. And that I had such bad GD and a reactions with DD due to the fact that I wasn't taking my meds , but to me, in my case, I can survive pregnancy without them.

Thank you for your uplifting words!

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Originally Posted by Dana-Alicia

My questions were not to judge, but to make ts think of what is really making her feel this way. Where are these feelings coming from? And I wonder the same with you, genuinely, what makes it so bad? Do you still have GD even though you have your DS on the way now? Is it possible your SIL and friend were jealous of you? Is it possible they felt bad and went looking for your weak spot and found it? And once you know why they are doing that, doesn't that make you feel better about yourself? Don't allow people to bring you down. They may be the trigger, but you allow them to! I think the only way for us to dodge GD or any negative feeling other people are giving us, is by getting stronger ourselves. It's called positive affirmation. Basically what you do is very simple: you change the voice inside your head. I say basically, as it's simple to say it but hard to believe it. But once you keep saying it to yourself, you start to believe it more and more. Say it, repeat it, whatever gives you strength and power. Whatever makes you happy. As soon as you get feelings or thoughts that drag you down, stop and repeat your positive words. It only has to be one word or one sentence, a few examples: I'm good enough, I am so lucky to have my children! or I'm blessed with my family or SIL would wish she had such a great life like mine! Straighten your back, shoulders back, chest out, raise your chin, look at your strong points and soon you will start to grow as a person.

It will not change the fact we still desire a son or a daughter, but we can be happy with the life we have now. We can be happy with ourselves. We can guard ourselves against the rude comments and jealousy other people express towards us. Because think about it: happy people don't want to hurt others, so the people that do must be unhappy, right? Making yourself feel superior, only means the person that's doing it feels inferior. Knowing that changed everything for me. And since then, I just smile at those people and it confuses them, as I will not be brought down by anyone. I will not allow it. And trust me: I used to get put down a lot. Especially after my little girl died, baby girls seems to be born everywhere! And people would make rude comments like: maybe you're better of now and you can only make boys etc. Like a kick in the face. I was furious, really hated so many people, wished they would understand what it feels like what I was feeling. Honestly, I would never wish the death of a child on anyone, but to walk in my shoes for one day and it will shut anyone up about my life. But they can't and I don't need anyone to understand, not anymore. This is my life, it may not be perfect but it's mine. And I fought hard to get here and I am proud of myself. Perfection is not what I want anymore, what I'm looking for is acceptance and happiness. And i think I'm well on my way!

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This is so true and I appreciate your uplifting comments, especially regarding your comment regarding happy people don't want to hurt others! I'm not sure if the feelings I feel are GD or if they are just hurt feelings when people say negative things about girls to me? It hurts to hear people say how they wouldn't ever want a daughter or that daughters are a handful, and it makes me even more upset when the people that should be there to love and support her can't see past that. The reality on this site, so many lovely women wanting DD, is so very different from from what I hear in my own reality? But such a refreshing point of view!

Regardless it's those peoples problem and not my own, and your right that I shouldn't let it bring me down!