What are your strategies for those who trigger you GD

o\I need advice, I'm 20 weeks pg with my desired gender (DS) and for the most part have very little GD left, I know that sounds odd, since I am getting my DG, however I am feeling very hormonal. My cousin just announced she is having her second boy (2 boys was my dream family) and I barely blinked an eye and was actually genuinely happy for her. The only thought that crossed my mind was, feeling a little like we "cheated" in order to get our DS...when a lot of people in my family get DS so easily. Our gender split was 7 XX, 4XY, I'm have some Martha traits (PM, complete control freak) but when it comes to diet/exercise I am 100% LE, and could never see myself doing HE. Otherwise I was fine. I'm surrounded by boys (8 boys to 2 girls, one just born a few weeks ago) and I think part of my GD stems from wanting a closer friend or family member that also has a DD to relate with.

My SIL/BIL are still HUGE triggers and as far as I know the only remaining triggers that I have encountered. On Xmas they announced they were having a baby and were 7 weeks along. The previous 2 years before that, they have gone on and on about how they are only having boys, never want a daughter, having a daughter for them would be a fluke, and have pegged us as only have girls, my SIL even cried when we announced we were having a DS. `I had to see them a lot during the holidays (when no one knew we were having a DS) and my SIL took every opportunity to discuss our baby's gender. Now that they are expecting and are almost 12 weeks along, I hear non-stop at EVERY possible moment that they are only having boys and that their baby is a boy. (they don't know yet) And it drives me nutty! The only thing that has helped is completely avoiding them, I've been lucky enough to avoid family functions the last 3 weeks and been on cloud nine. But tomorrow I have to see them, partly because its their birthdays AND my own, yep I'm lucky enough to share the same birthday week as those two nut jobs.

I'm so upset about not having a way to avoid them, that DH even found me crying...I feel like I have NO coping skills with those two and they use every opportunity to point out that we have a DD and they will never ever have one (even though they don't know their child's gender). I also find myself SO happy with my DD, especially when its just me and her, so it drives me mad when they have negative things to say about her or her gender. So what are your skills when dealing with the people who trigger you DG? How do you handle them? What do you tell yourself?

Also, do you encounter people like this? People who are SO certain that they are only having a certain gender? And wouldn't want anything else. I know at least 3 other girls that were so confident they would have a certain gender or gender combo, and of them only 1 was right. Has anyone else encountered these type of people, and if so, were those people right or wrong in their bold statements?

Well - they are defo nut jobs! Is crazy that they are so insistent they'll never have a girl - unless of course they plan on doing HT for every child they have. I'd be so tempted to say "Did you do IVF and choose the gender or something? I've never met anyone as certain as you guys of the gender of their baby before"!!!

I think the worst part of their behaviour is what they say in relation to your DD. I'm not sure how old your DD is or if she'd understand their comments. That used to be my main bug bear when I had all boys, people would come up and say "poor you - all boys, how awful, your house must be so messy and noisy, are you going to try for a girl?" etc etc…. While my sons were all standing there! Either way I would feel the need to stand up to them and defend her when they say negative things about her or girls generally. You needn't be as rude as they obviously are. Although I often used to be rude and say "Do you mind? My boys aren't deaf you know!" You could say sthing along the lines of: "Well I actually have a daughter and that's not been my experience" or "perhaps some girls behave that way, I'm sure some boys do too". If they talk about only wanting boys I'd say "I'm really excited about getting to parent and experience both genders." Remember you have what most people dream of, one of each. Keep telling yourself that. And be kind to yourself as the pregnancy hormones are probably making you more sensitive than usual. I would also talk to your DH and tell him that if they start girl bashing or carrying on about only having boys then he needs to intervene and back you up. Whether that is by defending your DD or changing the subject, or asking you to help him with something - whatever works.

I think your SIL (despite her comments) might actually be protecting herself, maybe she secretly does want a girl? In my experience that is usually what drives people who make sweeping bold statements like this about wanting just the one gender. Though its weird that they are like this when its their first baby. Its usually after a couple of the same gender I tend to find people say things like that.

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Originally Posted by MatildaMai

Well - they are defo nut jobs! Is crazy that they are so insistent they'll never have a girl - unless of course they plan on doing HT for every child they have. I'd be so tempted to say "Did you do IVF and choose the gender or something? I've never met anyone as certain as you guys of the gender of their baby before"!!!

I think the worst part of their behaviour is what they say in relation to your DD. I'm not sure how old your DD is or if she'd understand their comments. That used to be my main bug bear when I had all boys, people would come up and say "poor you - all boys, how awful, your house must be so messy and noisy, are you going to try for a girl?" etc etc…. While my sons were all standing there! Either way I would feel the need to stand up to them and defend her when they say negative things about her or girls generally. You needn't be as rude as they obviously are. Although I often used to be rude and say "Do you mind? My boys aren't deaf you know!" You could say sthing along the lines of: "Well I actually have a daughter and that's not been my experience" or "perhaps some girls behave that way, I'm sure some boys do too". If they talk about only wanting boys I'd say "I'm really excited about getting to parent and experience both genders." Remember you have what most people dream of, one of each. Keep telling yourself that. And be kind to yourself as the pregnancy hormones are probably making you more sensitive than usual. I would also talk to your DH and tell him that if they start girl bashing or carrying on about only having boys then he needs to intervene and back you up. Whether that is by defending your DD or changing the subject, or asking you to help him with something - whatever works.

I think your SIL (despite her comments) might actually be protecting herself, maybe she secretly does want a girl? In my experience that is usually what drives people who make sweeping bold statements like this about wanting just the one gender. Though its weird that they are like this when its their first baby. Its usually after a couple of the same gender I tend to find people say things like that.

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Thanks Matilda! This helps settle my nerves and exactly what I was looking for. The prego hormones are def in full force , which doesn't help the situation. I 've discussed w/DH he even admits that it's hard to tune them out, but it doesn't seem to bother him, I wish I could brush that off so easily! I think what adds to my anxiety is I've heard of them talking about this for years and now it's within weeks of them actually knowing. DD is too little to understand them, but there will be a time when she does. I think what worries me the most is that they won't end up having a DD, and they will continue this talk, and DD will understand. I already feel guilty about the GD I had when prego, I don't ever want her to know how I felt or hear other people say negative comments about DD.

What I love about this site is so many people love and want a DD, in contrast to what I hear and see in my own reality...it seems everyone I know really wants a DS and prefers DS. At least for the first child, I'm not sure if that shifts after the first DS, but coming from SIL, it stings.

I agree that for SIL to be so positive for her first is odd, I remember really wanting a DS, but never being so positive I would get one. I can just imagine if she's right, she's been going on about this for years, so if she's right, I will never hear the end of it!

Thank you for your reply! It helps more than you know!

This is so strange and makes me kind of mad. Your SIL is a girl. You should say, what's wrong with girls, you are one. Or her vagina doesn't define her, sorry you are so clueless. I know things like that are easier thought of than actually said but she is being so awful. I hope she stops before before your DD can hear her. People who are this mean really do not deserve to get what they want right away but it would be better if she did so some poor little girl doesn't have to suffer with such prejudice parents.

It sounds like they are nutty, annoying people and gender is their current issue. I bet if you were at a different stage in life they would be hung up on some other bizarre thing.

Personally, I would come up with a list of good responses to their wacky comments and conversations and use those when you are around them. I would even write them down and rehearse them in your head. Maybe good ways to clearly change the subject or let people know you don't want to discuss that topic again.

Some people are just nuts, even family. DH and I have huge families and some of they are just down right crazy. We have decided to be polite when we see them at weddings and funerals and avoid them otherwise.

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Originally Posted by 1+2+3boys

This is so strange and makes me kind of mad. Your SIL is a girl. You should say, what's wrong with girls, you are one. Or her vagina doesn't define her, sorry you are so clueless. I know things like that are easier thought of than actually said but she is being so awful. I hope she stops before before your DD can hear her. People who are this mean really do not deserve to get what they want right away but it would be better if she did so some poor little girl doesn't have to suffer with such prejudice parents.

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My girl friends who have also witnessed their behavior think exactly the same, that they deserve NOT to get what they want, but then again the poor girl who has them as parents. I've already decided that if they have a DD and are cruel, I will take her in as much as I can (include her in outings and try to have DD form a relationship with her as well) I struggled silently with GD, but once I met my child, that all washed away, there is a possibility that will also happen! Her children will probably be my only niece/nephews and I feel bad that there is already SO much expectation on them, this child is also expected to get their Masters and Doctorate, which was also decided years ago , a lot of pressure for someone not yet born :-) I will love them though, regardless of their gender or level of education (and that's not because DH and I are uneducated, we are very well educated but would never put that expectation on our children, we just want them to be happy!) I just wish their parents were easier to swallow! And I am much better at tolerating them when I am not pg :-)

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Originally Posted by MatildaMai

I think your SIL (despite her comments) might actually be protecting herself, maybe she secretly does want a girl? In my experience that is usually what drives people who make sweeping bold statements like this about wanting just the one gender. Though its weird that they are like this when its their first baby. Its usually after a couple of the same gender I tend to find people say things like that.

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That's exactly what I think--she probably just doesn't want people to pressure her to produce a girl or express disappointment with her boy. Go easy on her because she's probably just protecting her own feelings. And congratulations on your incoming little boy!

You are probably right, of coarse they will love their daughter and then hopefully treat your one better. They sure will have some humble pie to swallow if they don't get their DS and who knows, maybe they might even need your help to see how amazing girls are. FX it would bring you closer. They do sound like dicks at the momment but it would still be nice to get along easy for all your childrens' sake, and yours of coarse. If they get DS first I am sure they will love to rub it in but I'm sure you will find a way to deal with it, and you will get some good ideas from this forem for sure. It makes me mad that people think getting children of a particular gender makes them better than someone else or because they are 'better people' they will get what they want and 'deserve.' Hugs to you and I hope for peace in this situation what ever happens.

As for the cheating thing over HT. SOmetimes I think I would feel a bit like that. Like I would be bound to get another boy if I tried naturally and would that be unfair to people who tried naturally and got 4 boys? Well it is my life not theirs and my choice to take control of the situation to help make my dream come true. So don't feel bad! I assume you have kept it a secret from your family?

I actually know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am also someone who has gotten my DG. I have two boys and a girl and my daughter was my DG. We are pregnant again and don't have a preference (although we did lightly sway girl, mostly because I wanted a 50-50 shot at either!). My cousin is expecting at the same time as I am, she is due about 6 weeks after me. And she made it VERY clearly that they were only having girls. That boys were messy and boring (her words, exactly). She said they were loud and their clothes were dull. And here I am sitting with my two amazing sons, whom I am so blessed to have and just adore thoroughly. And pregnant with what could easily be a third boy (and thrilled about that prospect). She said she would cry at the sonogram if their baby turned out to be a boy. This is also their first child.

I am so angry when I talk to her. She acts like boys are subpar humans and that her life would be "ruined" if she had a boy. And much like your SIL, she was saying this stuff well before she found out the gender. As though it wasn't even an option for her to have a boy. And, because of some major unfairness of the universe, she is getting exactly what she wanted and doesn't even have five seconds of appreciation for it. She complains about her discomforts constantly and makes comments about how "baby better sleep" or "gosh, her labor better be easy." It makes me want to scream.

But I am lucky and she doesn't live local, I can avoid her emails, and basically act like she doesn't exist. If I had to see her on a regular basis, I know i would have to say something to her about it. And I think you should. It could even be a nicely veiled comment about "Oh gosh, I do hope your baby is a boy since you want one so badly, but if it's a girl, you'll see that there are so many wonderful things about little girls that even I didn't know until I had one!" You could follow it up with how lucky you feel to experience both because you would miss something if you didn't have DD in your life. If they continue, I think I'd have DH address it in private with his sibling (whichever of the pair is his sibling). Something about how it really bothers HIM and you how they speak of your child and how it's inappropriate to say such things in the company of his family. If my cousin ever came here and said this stuff to my boys, I would have to tie my hands behind my back to not punch her in the throat. And in so many ways, I feel bad for her DD on the way. What if she is loud? Messy? Heaven forbid, boring? Lol. It's just unfair to put those expectations on a kid. While none of mine are boring (I doubt any kid is!), they are all three loud and messy, my daughter potentially topping the boys!

I'm sorry you have to listen to her drivel. Hold your head high. And possibly laugh to yourself if they end up with a girl after all. Although when people are like that, I don't know whether it's a good thing for them to get an opposite. I worry about the kid. (And no, I've never met someone who was "so sure" about the gender of their children and was correct.)

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Originally Posted by hotdogz&boyz

I actually know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am also someone who has gotten my DG. I have two boys and a girl and my daughter was my DG. We are pregnant again and don't have a preference (although we did lightly sway girl, mostly because I wanted a 50-50 shot at either!). My cousin is expecting at the same time as I am, she is due about 6 weeks after me. And she made it VERY clearly that they were only having girls. That boys were messy and boring (her words, exactly). She said they were loud and their clothes were dull. And here I am sitting with my two amazing sons, whom I am so blessed to have and just adore thoroughly. And pregnant with what could easily be a third boy (and thrilled about that prospect). She said she would cry at the sonogram if their baby turned out to be a boy. This is also their first child.

I am so angry when I talk to her. She acts like boys are subpar humans and that her life would be "ruined" if she had a boy. And much like your SIL, she was saying this stuff well before she found out the gender. As though it wasn't even an option for her to have a boy. And, because of some major unfairness of the universe, she is getting exactly what she wanted and doesn't even have five seconds of appreciation for it. She complains about her discomforts constantly and makes comments about how "baby better sleep" or "gosh, her labor better be easy." It makes me want to scream.

But I am lucky and she doesn't live local, I can avoid her emails, and basically act like she doesn't exist. If I had to see her on a regular basis, I know i would have to say something to her about it. And I think you should. It could even be a nicely veiled comment about "Oh gosh, I do hope your baby is a boy since you want one so badly, but if it's a girl, you'll see that there are so many wonderful things about little girls that even I didn't know until I had one!" You could follow it up with how lucky you feel to experience both because you would miss something if you didn't have DD in your life. If they continue, I think I'd have DH address it in private with his sibling (whichever of the pair is his sibling). Something about how it really bothers HIM and you how they speak of your child and how it's inappropriate to say such things in the company of his family. If my cousin ever came here and said this stuff to my boys, I would have to tie my hands behind my back to not punch her in the throat. And in so many ways, I feel bad for her DD on the way. What if she is loud? Messy? Heaven forbid, boring? Lol. It's just unfair to put those expectations on a kid. While none of mine are boring (I doubt any kid is!), they are all three loud and messy, my daughter potentially topping the boys!

I'm sorry you have to listen to her drivel. Hold your head high. And possibly laugh to yourself if they end up with a girl after all. Although when people are like that, I don't know whether it's a good thing for them to get an opposite. I worry about the kid. (And no, I've never met someone who was "so sure" about the gender of their children and was correct.)

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It's so great to know that someone else has experienced this, or something like it. After tonight we have no plans to see them for awhile, so it will be nice to have a break, I did VERY well when I didn't have to see them for a few weeks. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it makes me feel SO much better that I'm not alone, and not the only person experiencing this. If tough when people say negative things about your children especially if it's something no one can control.

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Originally Posted by 1+2+3boys

You are probably right, of coarse they will love their daughter and then hopefully treat your one better. They sure will have some humble pie to swallow if they don't get their DS and who knows, maybe they might even need your help to see how amazing girls are. FX it would bring you closer. They do sound like dicks at the momment but it would still be nice to get along easy for all your childrens' sake, and yours of coarse. If they get DS first I am sure they will love to rub it in but I'm sure you will find a way to deal with it, and you will get some good ideas from this forem for sure. It makes me mad that people think getting children of a particular gender makes them better than someone else or because they are 'better people' they will get what they want and 'deserve.' Hugs to you and I hope for peace in this situation what ever happens.

As for the cheating thing over HT. SOmetimes I think I would feel a bit like that. Like I would be bound to get another boy if I tried naturally and would that be unfair to people who tried naturally and got 4 boys? Well it is my life not theirs and my choice to take control of the situation to help make my dream come true. So don't feel bad! I assume you have kept it a secret from your family?

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I don't feel like I cheated often, but I do feel it at times, and think the more time passes the less likely I will be to even remember I did HT. I was consumed with HT for 2years, now I can't even remember my pretesting results or what other peoples results mean when they post! I also think at times that I will miss out on that "big" u/s and hearing its a boy, but I also remind myself how excited/nervous I was in DR. Ps office to find out if we had ANY XY, so there are trade offs for sure, but they are pretty minor and leave fairly quickly, unlike GD, which eats away at you for months

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Originally Posted by trifecta

That's exactly what I think--she probably just doesn't want people to pressure her to produce a girl or express disappointment with her boy. Go easy on her because she's probably just protecting her own feelings. And congratulations on your incoming little boy!

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I do try to go easy on her :-) and see her point of view, it just eats me up inside! I'm even hosting her baby shower, at 9 months prego...hehe so I try to be kind, I just struggle at times and wish they weren't so in my face. And who knows, part of this still doesn't seem real (having a boy myself), probably won't until he is here:-)! I do love when I get to say my son, I've just started to say it, and it is SO special, truly blessed!

Wow, that's really nice of you to host a shower for them at 9 months!