Dealing with judgements and those who disapprove.....

I've just started on this journey.

I had a hugely supportive OBGYN when having my second son who really encouraged me to not feel guilty and go for what I felt was best from my family.

A lot of people tell me that fate decides and I can't mess with that but he had a valid point that if that was widely believed you could argue that IVF is messing with fate. I understand those who are against it, those that see me as greedy or selfish.

Are you telling anyone? Its such a big process to go through solo but the judgement is really affecting me despite my determination to continue the process of course.

Yesterday I was even told that I needed see a psychologist to understand my personal issues around gender preference. I personally believe that gender preference is wide spread a lot of families openly share that they would like one sex or another and some even have more kids than planned just to get what they want....

I do dream for a girl but I also don't have any preconceived notions or who or what I want her to be. No perfect mould for her to fit and sit like a pretty princess in pink.

I also love my boys to bits and yes I would have more of them I just have a limit financially on what we as a family can afford.

So yesterday I found out that my WONDERFUL SUPPORTIVE obgyn has resigned leaving me feeling a little alone and isolated in trying to get my journey back on track without him...as I was planning to go the Hawaii rather than Dr Potter. I read on here about getting a supportive GP to maybe write referrals for tests and so braved a visit to my local GP today...BIG MISTAKE....

He was horrified and went on to tell me that he would never "pay" to pick a gender in his family (apart from the fact he already has one of each). He also went on to say in his professional opinion (with nothing to back up his claims) that he felt while practising that he has seen the health of a child is worse when they are through IVF - from what he's seen. And why would I essentially jepodize the health of my child to choose it's gender.

I'm feeling battered and judged and I guess I just need 1. Support and 2. advice on how you are done this solo or have you shared?

Ugh so sorry, this is so hard and unfair! I've told my mom and sisters and they thought it was a wise decision, rather than to go on and try to make a girl and end up with more boys. Not that I wouldn't love them, but like you there's a limit to the amount of kids we can afford. Let alone the amount of kids I can have and keep my sanity lol. I haven't started the HT journey yet, but once I do, I would be very carefull about who I tell. I don't think I would tell my GP, I would get the meds through the clinic and have the scans done without telling them why I'm doing ivf. You can tell them you fear a miscarriage of there's an illness in your family you want to rule out. People just don't understand how hard this journey is and I'm not about to get judged by any of those ignorant people. So sorry you had to go through that! Wishing you all the best and a sticky pink baby!

I'm so sorry! People are so judgemental unless they have empathy for your situation.
Before finding this site I learned about shettles and attempted a cut off. I have an Instagram account that I only use to talk to mamas all over the world with babies that are my littles ages. Well I did share what I learned about shettles on here with one other mom who told me in secret that she was trying for a girl. She told me in secret bc I had shared my chart and I think she could see what I was doing too.
I also know a mom in AZ that has 2 of her own boys and was pregnant with a 3rd baby. Her Dh had 4 boys already. She texted me and told me she was pg with an oops baby and that she knew it would be a boy bc her Dh only makes boys. So. I shared a bunch of stuff from this site with her. She is the only one that knows that I read this stuff though.... Know one knows my sway plan. I think though my family would be more supportive of i was doing ht though to guarantee a girl, instead of making this last attempt.
I won't be telling anyone that doesn't see me in my day to day life about my pregnancy in general bc I already felt so much judgement for having ds4.


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I'm sorry to hear you've been made to feel guilty. It's your life at the end of the day not theirs and if I could have afforded to go down your route I most probably would have done. My feeling is that if people have never suffered from gender disappointment themselves then they will never truly understand us. For that reason I wouldn't tell anybody that isn't already a supportive person in your life. Maybe you could stretch the truth with friends to say you need to have IVF for another baby full stop. Maybe then you can't talk about half the journey with them as you go through it.
Don't feel guilty. You are trying to make your dream a reality and there is nothing wrong with that.

Sorry to hear this. I think that doctors should help in this situation whether they agree with it or not as it is their job to help their patients. I too feel nervous about starting the process due to professional judgement. Hugs, that must have hurt. I hope you can find better support from now on and don't feel bad. Someone who has not experienced GD can not understand. If I had gotten what I always dreamed of so easily than I too would probably be one of those ignorant people on their moral high horse to say tough, it's life and you should just learn to deal with it.

I also have no way I plan for my daughter to be and would love her unconditionally. I don't believe in gender stereotypes or that your gender effects what you can do in life. I know it effects your relationships in life though. My desire comes from the heart and does not need an explanation, it is just there and is a pain that I need to fulfill and I would be super mad if anyone on their moral high horse tried to stop me.

I feel dubious to sway since DP has had 6 sons. I love boys and am not gender biased. I'd happily keep having boys until I got my girl too but can't because of money and also because I know what I can handle as a Mother and one more is it so pressure is on. It is all so scary. HT is still not a definate for us. I wish I wasn't in this situation.

Goodluck to you on your journey

I really really feel that is grounds for filing an official complaint.

I really resent the high % of editorializing and moralizing that OBGYN and RE's (both male and female) feel that they are entitled to subject their patients to. SHUT UP and get us pregnant LOL. It's not only over gender preference either, it's also family size, age at conception, etc. So many people have had the absolute rudest comments made to them by OBGYN and RE's that there is absolutely no justification for it.

I personally believe that gender desire is innate in us and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Any more than wanting a family to begin with, is.

Stay strong and don't let the b--stards get you down.

I am pregnant through HT and I won't be announcing it on Facebook or at work until I have reached the point where I could have a gender scan.
I don't want to explain to people whose first question will be about the gender (I have 4 boys) that we went HT because people can be so judgemental. My mum (who is super supportive and looked after my kids both times) says how am I going to lie when they say 'aren't you lucky'. I say it won't be a lie, I'm lucky that HT worked for me and that I have the money to afford it. So while I'm not ashamed, I still have to hide the truth.

I also did not tell my GP once I got pregnant why we had IVF, just that we had aCGH testing

Only me and hubby and oldest son know I did ht I did tell midwife but no one else knows x

I've found a heap of supportive GPs because every time I go to the medical centre Ice ended up seeing a new doc as they were away or busy. All our close friends know what's going on also this cycle but we did our thai one in secret. Try another GP, good luck

Where are you from?

Western Sydney

Hanbee if you want to pm me I can give you details of a dr who deals with Hawaii for GS. They won't make you feel guilty and will help you with everything. Hawaii is significantly more expansive then hrc though.

I would definitely try another GP, mine was fantastic right from the start. I am lousy at keeping secrets so practically everyone I know, knows what we are doing and absolutely no one has said anything negative. Maybe I am lucky to have super supportive friends and family, maybe some are secretly judging behind my back, but at the end of the day it's your decision and your life, and only you know how you feel and what can make you happy.