Does it feel better? I feel so overwhelmed :(

I have a DD, my first child, and I always had it pictured in my mind that I will have two girls, only it did not happen that way and I had a beautiful, healthy boy.

It was a shock and I had councelling after I found out. I was pregnant at the time, feeling very hormonal and the fact that I never had my dad around (parents divorced before I was born) and a bad relationship with older brother made me dread having my baby and cry for hours. Now at times I feel so sad for my little boy, even for my girl as this lost "dream" preoccupies me sometimes and I wish I were more present for them.

My boy is gorgeous and so well-behaved and I did connect with him and I do enjoy him when I am with people that actually see beyond the sex and only see his baby qualities and character.

But there are moments, like this week, that I have flashbacks and remember my pain, the dream second daughter that never happened and I cry. DH does not understand me and he was very upset when I was sad for my baby's gender so I do not feel I can share this with him.

A friend that confided in me she did not want a boy at all and only two girls, just had her second daughter and I was sad when I found out, because I did not have the same luck. It's cruel to not feel happy people got their dream, I know, but I feel I did not and I mourn.

If I knew I will have a third child and she will be a daughter, then I will be the happiest, but knowing
that may not be an option and I could end up with two boys makes me upset and sad.

Will it ever get better? I want to love my boy, he deserves it and he is such a good baby, it is unbelievable and I want to be good to my daughter. It's crazy, but sometimes I think she reminds me of what I "lost" by being different to DS and I want to mourn more.

Will it ever get easier? What can I do to surpass this?

Mama in mourning

Sigh, well as a mom of two boys these kind of posts from women who don't even want one boy really hurt my heart but I understand the loss of a dream. And that's what you are grieving is the dream you had imagined for your life.

For me it's gotten a little better after the post partum hormones subsided. I don't know how old your baby is but if he is under a year you are still in the thick of it.

I guess maybe you could think of how much fun it will be for your husband to have a son. That might make you feel better. Maybe his dream was to always have a boy. Even if he may or may not have admitted it, since your dream family was 2 girls.

I understand your sadness and I don't think you are a bad person for wanting two girls and being disappointed that you didn't get another girl.

However, your DD and your DH may have really wanted a boy.

Even though we have our desires as mums, its important to take into consideration that our DH and other children have their preferences too.

Maybe you could absorb some of the joy that DD and DH have. Your DD only has one sibling and he probably means a lot to her, and most men would love a little boy after themselves.

In time most of us who have lived with gender disappointment/desire have learned to separate our love for our child that was born in the disappointment with our desire for the other gender.

Again, its perfectly understandable that you wanted another girl, just remember that another girl is still possible. Even though you have a boy another girl is not impossible. Just more love to go around if you do have DD2.

Thank you pink bean and Adia!

Yes my little one is 7.5 months so still a baby and lately I have not been sleeping well, which contributes to my mood.
DH kindly offered to care for DS overnight so I feel better today after a better sleep.

It is hard as DH said whatever the gender he would have been happy and he always says good things about whatever the situation so I do not really know if he craved for a DS. He gets on so well with DD too and I know he loves her to bits, so it is hard to know what he means. He does say though that since finding out we will have a boy, he started thinking of all the things he could teach him with DIY and garden projects and he feels excited about it which is nice.

DD is only 2.5 so I do not know what she would prefer, we did not ask that, but I know she is sweet to her little brother and I started thinking what a tomboy I used to be and aside from a girl cousin, who was my best friend, I was very good friends at elementary school with a boy cousin next door, we were inseparable. And now that I live abroad, I always have a special bond with him whenever I visit and like to chat, so I would hope DD will have this special bond with her brother.

I plan to try my pink sway and purchase a plan in late autumn, so that DS will be at least 18 months before TTC again, I hope by then I will be stronger and decided that this time I will do anything to have a stress free life so that I will enjoy the process. I only have to sweeten up DH to start liking the idea :think:

I hope these feelings will disappear with time and DS will turn out to be my best friend and a gorgeous little boy like DH. It is hard but I really hope I will no longer have the gender disappointment feelings...

I understand the loss of a dream, I always dreamed of 2 girls or a girl and a boy. I got 3 boys. So you could have it worse to put it this way, you could be me. I would have dreamed to have your family, a girl and a boy :bighug:

It will get better with time, you will get to know your son as the person he is. It also really helps to hang out with positive boy moms rather than boy bashing all girl moms.

Most women, like myself are just super happy to get one daughter, so in that sense you're already one of the lucky ones. Sons are huge blessings, so you are also very lucky that you have a son!

Thank you Claire33, I know what you mean and I truly hope you will have your little girl very soon, I saw your pregnant girl sign and I truly hope this happened already :-)

I also like your idea about hanging out with positive boy moms, that is so true. My boy bashing all girl mom 'friend' did not even say anything positive about DS when he was born aside from, oh my god he is big and looks like your daughter and then went on to say how boys are not affectionate and she craves not to have one. I was very hurt and I guess that is why I may be so affected now she got her girl, though I should be happy for her.

I will move on though, let it go and try to hang out with positive boy moms, I like that idea and I wish I will be more positive myself and beyond this!

I wish that moms do not have to go through gender disappointment, wouldn't the world be a happier place if we were so content with our babies as they are, but dreams are dreams...

Did you sway for long to get your dream?

Regarding your friend, she may very well have wanted a boy herself and was jealous. Either way her comments to you were very rude and insensitive. I can assure you little boys are affectionate. I have 2 and they fight over who gets to cuddle mommy.

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. They may not understand our disappoinment, which is hard but at least they see the positive, which is the best way to live.

Another thing you might be mourning is the relationship you had with your daughter when it was just the two of you. I went through a grieving period after I had my second son because I really missed my ODS. Babies take up so much of our time and attention and that combined with sleep deprivation makes all of our feelings more intense. Including GD.

It sounds like you're enjoying and bonding well with your son.

One thing you should consider is that you probably are a better person for having to had to broaden your interests to include mothering a little boy and you will probably continue to grow much more from this experience than from the experience of getting what you wanted a second time.

Nobody develops character by getting what they want immediately or every time.

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Originally Posted by trifecta

It sounds like you're enjoying and bonding well with your son.

One thing you should consider is that you probably are a better person for having to had to broaden your interests to include mothering a little boy and you will probably continue to grow much more from this experience than from the experience of getting what you wanted a second time.

Nobody develops character by getting what they want immediately or every time.

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Wow, I love this!

Thanks, pink_bean! It's something I remind myself of often. I think if I had gotten exactly what I wanted I wouldn't have had to grow as much.

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Originally Posted by trifecta

It sounds like you're enjoying and bonding well with your son.

One thing you should consider is that you probably are a better person for having to had to broaden your interests to include mothering a little boy and you will probably continue to grow much more from this experience than from the experience of getting what you wanted a second time.

Nobody develops character by getting what they want immediately or every time.

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So true, very well said. I often think I would have been the Smuggest of smugs (smug mother of girls) had I have not had my boys ;) x

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Originally Posted by Kittybear

So true, very well said. I often think I would have been the Smuggest of smugs (smug mother of girls) had I have not had my boys ;) x

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I agree, if I'd only had girls, I would have also probably had no problem telling everyone that I'm really happy to only have girls and not a boy. So I have been humbled beyond belief and am super super careful to make any gender comments, and if I do I try to be really positive.

Dreamplanner, I had to wait 8 years and 4 pregnancies to finally hear girl. And I still don't quite believe it and am half expecting to hear boy at my 20 week scan. I've never swayed, so all my pregnancies happened as the luck of the draw.

I think your "friend" sounds like she would make even the most content of boy moms feel like crap with her comments and attitude. So, find someone to hang out with who loves having boys, so you can be part of that vibe, rather than your 2-girl-mom friend who apparently has nothing good to say about a poor helpless little boy.

Little boys are also people with feelings and need just as much love and cuddles as a little girl. Your love is going to teach him to be a devoted father later in life, and your love will help him choose a kind and loving partner for his to share his life with. The more love he gets from you, the more he will be affectionate towards you, the more likely he will make wise choices later in life, and the more likely he will be a kind and caring human being. So don't ever think that you are not the most important relationship he has, because you are (and his daddy of course!).

:bighug:

^^^ beautiful, agree absolutely ^^^

OP: just wait Hun, this little boy will mesmerize you in time and you will have such fun together! This will all be a distant memory soon, I promise :) xx

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Originally Posted by Claire33

I agree, if I'd only had girls, I would have also probably had no problem telling everyone that I'm really happy to only have girls and not a boy. So I have been humbled beyond belief and am super super careful to make any gender comments, and if I do I try to be really positive.

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Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure if I had a pigeon pair I would have been a total smug jerk.

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Originally Posted by pink_bean

Regarding your friend, she may very well have wanted a boy herself and was jealous. Either way her comments to you were very rude and insensitive.

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This was my first thought when I read your friend's comments about your son. People who are jealous make rude comments like this to make themselves feel better about the possible disappointment they are facing.

Having a daughter (even just one) has always been a dream of mine but it hasn't happened yet. I have 3 boys now and I would do anything to have a daughter. I've been through some serious GD with my 2nd and 3rd yet now I couldn't imagine my life without these 3 little boys. The fact that I dream of a girl doesn't take away the love I have for my boys. However, I too find myself sometimes feeling very disappointed and sad because of all this and feel I'm not present to my kids. It's sad because they're little only for a while and I can never have this time back. I don't want to look back to their first years realizing I spent those years grieving what I didn't have instead of concentrating to these little ones I actually have. But I know, it's easier said than done...



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I always pictured myself with either a pigeon pair or just girls. In 2 weeks, I will give birth to my third & last child - my third son. My sons are 6 & 4 & are the sweetest little humans in the world. They are forever cuddling me, kissing me, telling me I am beautiful & that they love me. My eldest son suddenly burst into tears when he realised that one day he is meant to leave home. There have been many surprising things to me about having sons; I was into music & performing as a child & my boys do martial arts. I have no interest in martial arts, but have been surprised to find that at demonstrations & gradings I end up weeping with pride the way I imagined I would watching my daughter sing & dance on stage. There are other practical advantages to having sons - I can't tell you how many times my girl mum friends have had to pack up & go home when one of their daughters needs the toilet, whereas my boys can sneak behind a tree [emoji12] Boys are great. You'll love him, I promise.


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This is so true, I would have been inconsiderate if I had my two girls, I totally understand this and feel I am already humbled form the experience.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by trifecta

It sounds like you're enjoying and bonding well with your son.

One thing you should consider is that you probably are a better person for having to had to broaden your interests to include mothering a little boy and you will probably continue to grow much more from this experience than from the experience of getting what you wanted a second time.

Nobody develops character by getting what they want immediately or every time.

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Thank you everyone for the lovely support. I do know what you mean and I hope one day I will feel so much better. I know it takes time and my counselor did mention these feelings will crop up again and again and it's just how we deal with them that matters.

I wish everyone of us gets their wishes someday and we get a new baby girl if possible...

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Originally Posted by Dreamsplanner

Thank you everyone for the lovely support. I do know what you mean and I hope one day I will feel so much better. I know it takes time and my counselor did mention these feelings will crop up again and again and it's just how we deal with them that matters.

I wish everyone of us gets their wishes someday and we get a new baby girl if possible...

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It's true. The feelings can come and go. I know for me things can be going great and I'm in a good place and something triggers it. But you sound like you are working through your feelings and coming to acceptance. In time, I think you will see how much this little boy was meant for your family. That doesn't mean your hope for another daughter will disappear but your love for your son will only grow.

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Originally Posted by PrimalMamma

I always pictured myself with either a pigeon pair or just girls. In 2 weeks, I will give birth to my third & last child - my third son. My sons are 6 & 4 & are the sweetest little humans in the world. They are forever cuddling me, kissing me, telling me I am beautiful & that they love me. My eldest son suddenly burst into tears when he realised that one day he is meant to leave home. There have been many surprising things to me about having sons; I was into music & performing as a child & my boys do martial arts. I have no interest in martial arts, but have been surprised to find that at demonstrations & gradings I end up weeping with pride the way I imagined I would watching my daughter sing & dance on stage. There are other practical advantages to having sons - I can't tell you how many times my girl mum friends have had to pack up & go home when one of their daughters needs the toilet, whereas my boys can sneak behind a tree [emoji12] Boys are great. You'll love him, I promise.


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You paint such a lovely picture Primal! I'm currently pregnant with number three and swayed girl for my DH. I secretly am hoping for a third boy! I love my boys and only wanted to have boys. I love everything about them and their energy. If this a DD I am carrying, I will be happy for DH (he had such BAD GD with DS2 [emoji20]), but I'll be sad to not have another boy. I'm hoping my happiness for DH will get me through. I had a solid sway so there is a good chance this bean is pink. Why couldn't this be BG twins. Sigh.

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Originally Posted by XXforhubby

You paint such a lovely picture Primal! I'm currently pregnant with number three and swayed girl for my DH. I secretly am hoping for a third boy! I love my boys and only wanted to have boys. I love everything about them and their energy. If this a DD I am carrying, I will be happy for DH (he had such BAD GD with DS2 [emoji20]), but I'll be sad to not have another boy. I'm hoping my happiness for DH will get me through. I had a solid sway so there is a good chance this bean is pink. Why couldn't this be BG twins. Sigh.

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I always love hearing from women who love having and want all boys.

I have actually ended up being really happy with having a 3rd boy. I am one of a pigeon pair & as adults my brother & I aren't close at all. I would have loved a sister. My husband is one of 4 boys & they LOVE each other, they are such good friends & even the age gap doesn't matter - he's off fishing with his youngest brother today who is 11 years his junior.


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