Do you feel "left out"?

It seems it's pretty rare to come across other all-boy moms. Pigeon pairs are the norm where I live, or if it's a family of three it's always a mix of genders. One of my big worries about having a third boy would be that I'd always feel different from most other moms. Does anyone else worry about this?

Almost every mom I see, it seems, eventually gets that mother-daughter connection. Once they have their GIRL!! (all caps and explanation points), they have a certain fulfilled look about them, especially after already having boy(s). I can totally understand that. It must be amazing to get the opportunity to raise a child like them that they can relate to well into adulthood, that they can understand the same way dads understand their sons.

Mothers and little boys have a very special bond, sure... and even grown boys always love their moms and will jump to protect them at every turn. I love having boys for this reason. But like most women, I also want to be able to experience the "other side". My side.

I already get this feeling, even when I'm with former "boy moms" who now have a daughter, that they're already in a different world than me. They instantly have a connection to moms of either gender now, but especially "girl moms". It starts very early. Eg, I've been with girl moms and boy-girl moms, and the boy-girl moms talk excitedly with the girl moms about how they can't wait for ballet lessons, or how much more adorable girl clothes are, etc... while I just sit there and smile. I can understand their excitement about essentially raising tiny women... but it feels strange their world is a completely alien world to mine. They're definitely in a "club" that I may or may not ever be able to join.

Boy moms are moms who are raising children who will grow to be more like their husbands, so they will look forward to boy-oriented activities. Things that, unless they are self-described tomboys themselves, probably don't interest them as much as something their potential daughters might be interested in. I am generalizing greatly here, but I hope I'm getting my point across.

Maybe this doesn't worry people like it worries me.

You've put into words exactly how I've been feeling for years and it really does suck, doesn't it? You're not alone Lemonade xx

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I totally get it! Most moms I know have children of mixed genders so I feel sorta left out like you say because I have two boys. I really, really want to have a daughter someday so I can have that mother-daughter bond. I see this excitement that moms of girls have and I've never known what that's like.
During my second pregnancy, I felt a bit alienated by other people (strangers even!) when I told them we were having our second boy. People seemed disappointed?? As if what we have will make a difference to them! I have found other moms out there (online) who have two, three, four+ boys and that makes me feel a little less alone. Nevertheless, I still long for a daughter!
P.S. I see in your siggy my boys were born the same years as yours! :happy:

Nope, not alone, totally get the feeling. Although I do surround myself with other all boy moms, not on purpose, but it just turned out that way. So I don't feel left out for that reason. I do however feel weird and different because my yearning for a girl is so strong. I think they understand up to a certain point, but they are done having kids. I wish I could also just give up on my dreams and just be happy with my two boys. But no, I want to be in that group that talks about dresses and curles and ballet lessons and pink glitters. And have a mini-me I can relate to as my husband plays rough ballgames with the boys. I don't like ballgames, I duck when a ball comes my way. Ugh GD sucks :(

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Originally Posted by pink_bean

But I know some women with all girls who wanted at least one boy and I feel like we can relate to each other in a way that I can not relate to mixed gender families. Especially those with one of each.

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I have girl-mom friends and I feel like I can relate to them well, also. It's even been helpful to see their parenting struggles up close, because they have them, too.

I do feel left out when I deal with mixed-gender families. If they have a PP I try to remind myself that they're missing out on the experience of having a pair of brothers or sisters, and that is a significant experience, too.

Agree 100% Hun xx

I can totally relate to this! My friend with two boys also, has changed dramatically since having her gorgeous girl. It's now awkward as she knows I would love a girl too eek!

Never mind, `I am so happy for her`( said through gritted teeth)

I struggle with this too. So much so that I find myself gravitate towards Mums with same sex children! Im still not sure its because I feel awkward/left out or just envious! ;) x

I have a unique perspective on this since I actualy have adult sons and have been at this a long time.

I never felt left out because of my kids' gender. I am just weird and I would have felt left out no matter what, I suspect. So be careful not to attribute "normal" feelings of being an oddball that virtually everyone probably experiences to GD just because you're viewing everything through a GD lens. Honestly, if I had had all girls I probably would have felt even more left out, and it's NOT that I"m this outrageous tomboy because I don't really think that I am, but that I'm interested in things that kids of either gender could get on board with (like Harry Potter or Pokemon)

In our family relationship, my husband is the one who has always felt left out. He has said that he feels like there's a club with my older sons and I that he's not welcome in. I actually think he had a weird kind of GD for a son even though he already had two because he didn't really bond with the first pair. My sons are very interested in much of the same things I am and I have never, ever felt excluded from their lives because of gender stuff - unlike my husband who actually HAS felt excluded simply by the virtue of not having that much in common with them!

I know many moms who have boys or girls and are not interested at all in what their kids are interested in. my mom stares at me blankly regarding much of my life experiences and interests and I do feel more in common with my stepmom on many issues.
So, in a nutshell I do think that to some extent, what you get out of it is what you put in.

When I've have to hang out with girl moms, I always remind myself of the fact that behind the princess dresses and glitter, behind the cowboy guns and trucks, all there is, is a child. This child needs bedtime cuddles and kisses, food, throws tantrums and needs boundries, regardless of gender. So I try to think of what we MOMS have in common, not what we don't have in common. In the end, parents of whichever gender, have more in common than people who don't have children.

I remind myself of the people I know (quite a few of them unfortunately) who can't manage to have children and who would die to have my 3 boys, but instead have an empty room in the house that was meant to be a baby room. So, despite my GD, I still have more in common with girl moms than I don't have in common. Our lives revolve around our children, we get woken up at night, we don't have time to shower, we live for cuddles and laughs with our kids, we want our kids to succeed in life, we worry, we go on family friendly vacations, we're tired, we're happy. This is what I remind myself of when I hang out with girl moms who get to buy dresses and braid hair, that all of that is just superficial. The things that actually matter, I still get to do, like have a little person to love, to see myself in my child, to have a bond that I cannot have with anyone else but with my own child.

I agree with this in a way. I don't feel left out, as such. More like I can see the future and see the relationship these girl moms may have with their DD and it makes me sad I *may* never get to have that relationship. The fact I feel like this doesn't reflect on my relationship with my boys who I love beyond measure, its a reflection on me and the relationship I have with my own mother and how I long to right those wrongs with a DD of my own. I know lots of mothers with a PP and I do feel that those moms can be quite smug mainly when they have a DS first and then go on to have their girl. A friend of mine had her DD recently and shes like a different person, that just makes me feel sorry for her though. If having a PP makes you a smug so-and-so then I'm even more happy I have my sons.

I do feel a bit left out at large family gatherings with my in-laws as our household is the only one without a daughter and they all share clothes and bring their DDs for "girls days out" and even did a sign language class for my niece with Downs that I wasn't asked to partake in. I try to take the "ostrich approach" most of the time and just ignore things but sometimes it proves to be hard.
All of that being said I'm being positive about ttc our third child. My friends mom recently said if I put positives thoughts/vibes out there then they will come back to me and my life will be more positive and full filling as a result. I'm hoping that we end up with a DD at some stage but if we don't I hope that maintaining a positive outlook will mean I can be at peace with it more easily and seeing other moms with their DDs won't continue to trigger my GD.

bump this for me, have something to add

bump!!

I think there's also a difference between feeling left out socially and feeling left out of a life experience.

I've sometimes experienced feeling left out socially because I don't have a girl but what bothers me much, much more is feeling left out of this life experience. It's almost like a rite of passage I'm being denied and that makes it harder to move on to the next stage of my life: the post-childbearing years of raising bigger kids. It's so hard to move on without having had this experience that was really important to me.

bump

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Originally Posted by trifecta

I think there's also a difference between feeling left out socially and feeling left out of a life experience.

I've sometimes experienced feeling left out socially because I don't have a girl but what bothers me much, much more is feeling left out of this life experience. It's almost like a rite of passage I'm being denied and that makes it harder to move on to the next stage of my life: the post-childbearing years of raising bigger kids. It's so hard to move on without having had this experience that was really important to me.

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DH said almost the exact same thing to me last night. He was explaining his GD with me and felt that he was missing out on a huge life experience of raising a daughter. It is a very visceral feeling for him, almost like feeling there is someone missing from our family. I sure hope this baby I'm carrying is a girl for his sake! I can't imagine having another baby after this one- three will be enough for me!


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Originally Posted by XXforhubby

DH said almost the exact same thing to me last night. He was explaining his GD with me and felt that he was missing out on a huge life experience of raising a daughter. It is a very visceral feeling for him, almost like feeling there is someone missing from our family. I sure hope this baby I'm carrying is a girl for his sake! I can't imagine having another baby after this one- three will be enough for me!


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OMG this is exactly how i feel. Like something is missing. Its how im going to feel for the rest of my life. Still up in the air about no5. I just feel in limbo right now

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I was recently discussing my GD with the only person other than DH I would feel comfortable talking about it with and she just GOT it! She has a PP and had her DD first. She said she had no desire either way but the moment her DD was placed in her arms she said she just felt complete. Like a part of her had been missing and she never knew. I told her I feel like that daily and she really sympathized with me. It was nice to be understood by a non-GD sufferer.

Glad you could share it hopper. I don't have many people I can share it with due to my own feelings still aswell as worry people won't understand. I don't have alot of close female friends and the one I do have has fertility issues and I wouldn't feel right talking to her about it. My sister has told me to 'get over it' before (she has x2 girls) so there is no way in hell i would talk to her about it. So apart from dh and here its pretty much my only outlet. I really feel like my daughter is missing. I just don't know how to get her home

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I totally couldn't share it with anyone else. Other mothers seem to get a thrill out of mom shaming other mothers, the only time I mentioned it in a room of other moms they made me feel *this* big with phrases like "whats wrong with sons?" "you should be grateful for what you have" etc. My own mother (mom of two girls and no boys) has told me I need to "build a bridge" and my sister has some fertility issues too so my family think I am terribly selfish to express a desire for a DD. I feel like sometimes I am overwhelmed by the NEED to have a daughter and sometimes I get so sad thinking I may never have the relationship I so desperately desire! I wrote an email to DH recently, it didn't start out as an email but in the end I mailed it cause I expressed how I felt and thought he could read it and perhaps understand things a bit better. I don't mind sharing it here, its a safe place, so here it is:

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I don't want to feel this way any more. I would not wish this feeling of wanting a daughter on my worst enemy!!
I feel like I am broken, a part of me is missing. I feel like I am the most selfish woman in the world to be unable to be happy with what I have.
I feel sad knowing that I am such a spiteful person I would take joy out of the fact a friend had to have her daughter by section. I feel sick to think about what kind of a person this feeling has made me become.
I feel guilty when I look at my wonderful, loving, gorgeous boys and think they deserve a mother who is complete.
I feel such sorrow knowing that I may never experience the love of a daughter. I feel such real and present grief at the possible loss of a relationship I have wanted my whole entire life.
I feel angry at women who have daughters and mistreat them. I feel jealous of anyone who has both sons and daughters. Especially pigeon pairs.
I feel a real NEED to have a daughter - not to dress her in cute clothes and parade her around like a Barbie doll. I want to shape another female into someone I can be proud of. I want to watch her grow into a happy young woman. I want to raise a proud, independent and driven girl into the woman I could have been. I want to see her marry and watch her body grow big with my grandchildren. I want to help her be a good, loving mother. I want a friend for life.
Is that too much to ask for, really?!
I feel like if I "sway" to the best of my ability and it doesn't work and I have a third little boy then that was fated to be. That boys need to be here was stronger than my need for a daughter.
I don't know where to go from here. I need some support :(

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I feel a *little* better since writing it down...

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

bump this for me, have something to add

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Well, I can't remember what I was going to add LOL but I agree with what you're saying Hopper. Everyone seems to assume that this is about having a princess or a Barbie or mini-me or a ball-crushing man-hating feminist depending on who you are talking to but it really, really is about none of that. It is just a need that I had, and I didn't know why or where it comes from, to have a daughter. It is partly because I feel like there are things I want to pass down to another woman but it's more than that - I just wanted to SEE her and have her. This is so hard to describe but I just like the way she LOOKS, she's pleasing to my eye (and my sons were equally pleasing to me, especially my first one, I just loved to LOOK at them as babies and little boys, you know??) and when I look at her it is like looking at the ocean for the first time or a sunset or a flower LOL - like something that deep inside of my subconscious mind knew existed even if I had never seen it. It is really hard to describe but that's how it was, almost like something that is outside of my control - we all recognize beauty when we see it (and I don't mean my daughter is beautiful, she isn't, well she is to me of course, but whatever) and to me it's like seeing something beautiful when I look at her. :) hope that makes sense. It's a different kind of beauty then that which is present in my sons, like the moon and the stars. It isn't psychology or being selfish or spoiled, it's like a physical response!

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Well, I can't remember what I was going to add LOL but I agree with what you're saying Hopper. Everyone seems to assume that this is about having a princess or a Barbie or mini-me or a ball-crushing man-hating feminist depending on who you are talking to but it really, really is about none of that. It is just a need that I had, and I didn't know why or where it comes from, to have a daughter. It is partly because I feel like there are things I want to pass down to another woman but it's more than that - I just wanted to SEE her and have her. This is so hard to describe but I just like the way she LOOKS, she's pleasing to my eye (and my sons were equally pleasing to me, especially my first one, I just loved to LOOK at them as babies and little boys, you know??) and when I look at her it is like looking at the ocean for the first time or a sunset or a flower LOL - like something that deep inside of my subconscious mind knew existed even if I had never seen it. It is really hard to describe but that's how it was, almost like something that is outside of my control - we all recognize beauty when we see it (and I don't mean my daughter is beautiful, she isn't, well she is to me of course, but whatever) and to me it's like seeing something beautiful when I look at her. :) hope that makes sense. It's a different kind of beauty then that which is present in my sons, like the moon and the stars. It isn't psychology or being selfish or spoiled, it's like a physical response!

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YES! THIS! This is pretty much it! I've sat there for months, maybe years wondering why it 'mattered' if I had a girl or not. And all I kept coming up with the fact that although I'd dearly love a DD, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't... but I'd really *really* like a DD. But I can live without one... (lather, rinse, repeat...ARGH!). I couldn't say or get my head round why. This sounds like my reason, wraps up my thought process. This is what my brain was trying to say but couldn't get out - thanks AS!

OK, there's also the part that DH hasn't had a new girl in the family bloodline for the past 60+ years, but that's a whole different kettle of fish.

...Still not sure if I'm going to attempt trying for another, though! :hide:

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Well, I can't remember what I was going to add LOL but I agree with what you're saying Hopper. Everyone seems to assume that this is about having a princess or a Barbie or mini-me or a ball-crushing man-hating feminist depending on who you are talking to but it really, really is about none of that. It is just a need that I had, and I didn't know why or where it comes from, to have a daughter. It is partly because I feel like there are things I want to pass down to another woman but it's more than that - I just wanted to SEE her and have her. This is so hard to describe but I just like the way she LOOKS, she's pleasing to my eye (and my sons were equally pleasing to me, especially my first one, I just loved to LOOK at them as babies and little boys, you know??) and when I look at her it is like looking at the ocean for the first time or a sunset or a flower LOL - like something that deep inside of my subconscious mind knew existed even if I had never seen it. It is really hard to describe but that's how it was, almost like something that is outside of my control - we all recognize beauty when we see it (and I don't mean my daughter is beautiful, she isn't, well she is to me of course, but whatever) and to me it's like seeing something beautiful when I look at her. :) hope that makes sense. It's a different kind of beauty then that which is present in my sons, like the moon and the stars. It isn't psychology or being selfish or spoiled, it's like a physical response!

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:agree::agree::agree: I totally get this! I KNOW she's there, waiting for me. I just need to believe she is. My friends mom is a psychic and she refuses to give me a reading about this stuff but she has told me many times to remain "positively pink" and so thats what I am *trying* to do! I can SEE myself with my daughter. Gosh, I hope this dream becomes a reality!!

This must be what my DH feels. He has always said it is hard for him to describe why he wants a DD. he may not go with me this Friday to my 20 week scan. We already know the gender, but I think he wants to deal with it on his own. I think it might be a punch in the gut feeling for him again. I won't make him come if he doesn't want to. I know he will love this little guy in time, and he already talks about him and things he hopes for.

Sigh. I may try for him again, but it will have to be a secret. He doesn't want to put it out there to the world again. I get it.

Hugs to all of you ladies still trying for your DG. I feel blessed to have had mine three times now. I want you all to have that too, just once [emoji8].


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I can definitely empathise with your DH XX! My BIL has two girls and I swear the look of pure unadulterated longing her gets in his eyes when playing with my boys is just heart breaking. His wife has agreed to try once more but not for another couple of years and their youngest daughter has special needs. I would nearly mention swaying to him if I thought it would help, or be something his wife would be into trying. But he's a big smoker and that's a heavy pink sway factor right there so maybe he will give up to get his boy! Or maybe he will just be one of those lucky ones! I have a huge desire for my someday daughter but for some reason it's nearly harder to see him long for a son, I dunno why. Something about seeing a big tough grown a$$ man melt into a puddle of emotions!

Yep. My 3rd son is 9 weeks tomorrow. He is a delightful little boy. And yet...

My brother & his wife rang the other night to advise they are pregnant with a daughter. After saying all the right things & then getting off the phone I could not stop crying.

I told my husband - all my life I wanted to be a mother. But there's more to it than that: I wanted to be the mother OF A DAUGHTER. I wouldn't change any of my sons now, of course, but I still want a daughter.

The funny thing is, for me, it's not about ballet or cheerleading. I didn't do either, & I love the idea of my girl playing boy sports with her brothers. But I feel like someone is missing. I feel like I am grieving for someone who, in reality, has never existed.

So we are now considering High Tech. We are in Australia so this would mean travel which would be logistically very hard. Not to mention our finances don't stretch that far, so we will need to take out loans. And we are already a family of 5 in a 3 bedroom house.

Plus, I don't know how I will cope with another baby. But that being said, I don't know how to live without my daughter, either. [emoji24][emoji24][emoji24]


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Thats exactly how i feel Primal. I am in Australia too and we just did a big move financially to abigger house and car and as much as I would love HT I just don't think I can stretch the pocket anymore. DH was initially a supportive but hes backtracked which I can understand. Im trying to see a local psychic asap see if they have insight maybe even closure. I just feel so alone and lost right now.

Wish you well with your HT journey

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Originally Posted by PrimalMamma

Yep. My 3rd son is 9 weeks tomorrow. He is a delightful little boy. And yet...

My brother & his wife rang the other night to advise they are pregnant with a daughter. After saying all the right things & then getting off the phone I could not stop crying.

I told my husband - all my life I wanted to be a mother. But there's more to it than that: I wanted to be the mother OF A DAUGHTER. I wouldn't change any of my sons now, of course, but I still want a daughter.

The funny thing is, for me, it's not about ballet or cheerleading. I didn't do either, & I love the idea of my girl playing boy sports with her brothers. But I feel like someone is missing. I feel like I am grieving for someone who, in reality, has never existed.

So we are now considering High Tech. We are in Australia so this would mean travel which would be logistically very hard. Not to mention our finances don't stretch that far, so we will need to take out loans. And we are already a family of 5 in a 3 bedroom house.

Plus, I don't know how I will cope with another baby. But that being said, I don't know how to live without my daughter, either. [emoji24][emoji24][emoji24]


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:agree: it is funny because my two older boys do a lot of "girl" things like music and art and drama and cooking (like I've said before I actually think my husband had a weird kind of GD for a more "manly man" son with DS 3) and then with my girl I am 110% fine with her being and doing anything she wants even if that is BMX biking. Ellen Page was one of the worst for aggravating my GD. So many people would tell me "well there's no guarantee she'll be pink, purple and polka dot princess" and I was like "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??" Neither am I. A lot of times I don't even remember to comb my hair LOL. I simply don't get why the assumption is that we are doing this for some nefarious stereotypical purpose??

And this is in no way to take away from the relationship I have with my sons, esp. the two older ones, which I feel is very precious and close as any mother and child could be, but not weird LOL. I was up crying in the night last night because since we moved I have hardly gotten to see them and it makes me really sad. They are everything to me!! I felt like I could share 80% of everything in the world with them but it was just that 20% that they weren't interested in. Unfortunately, it's a big 20% meaning that there are some things that I really value that dudes just aren't going to care about, you know??

Yep thats how i feel. Love my boys but theres this bit of me thats girlie and wants to do/teach girlie things. My eldest is quite into music aswell. Wanted his nails painted once or twice aswell 😂😂😂

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Pink_bean what you have written about your first son sent shivers down my spine. Exactly my story, the PPD & birth trauma, GD because he was a boy, then maybe not GD but general "baby disappointment" because he was nothing like I imagined my baby to be. And yes, I look at him now & I adore him so much & it hurts terribly to remember how disappointed I was in every little part of him.

And yeah Atomic.... It's hard to explain isn't it, I'm actually horrified at much of the gender stereotyped toys and outfits for girls a lot of the time. I take my boys to the park & get SO frustrated watching little girls tripping over long skirts & running around in sequined ballet flats. Obviously you never know how you would parent until you're doing it but find that sort of thing so limiting for girls and I think I would dress my daughter in shorts & t-shirts & joggers for the park - just like my boys. I would NEVER enter ANY of my kids in a modeling contest & the thought of learning to French braid makes me shudder in fear.

Still.... A little girl... [emoji7][emoji166][emoji517][emoji307]

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Primal- me too!! I was the little girl on the playground dressed as you would dress a little girl! I told my mom at 4, "Pick either the patent leather shoes OR the dress. I'm NOT wearing both!" She chose the dress so I happily out on my worn out smurf velcro shoes! I'm the same way to this day, although I do wear makeup (a natural look).

If I can secretly sway for a DD for my DH when this little guy I'm carrying is 6mo, I plan on doing just that too! Unless she wants to wear those things. Sometimes I think children need to figure some things out for themselves, yk? I just feel badly for the girls who are younger and try to keep up with the boys but their attire holds them back :(. It makes me sad for them!!


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