I think I'm having an early mid-life crisis

So I'm getting the feeling that, yeah, I'm like going through a bit of a midlife crisis. I do have a lot of stressors coming up, including:

-husband is posted (military) to another city that's 2 hours away for the next 2 years. It's not the worst thing ever, as he can come home most weekends, but it is still insane. Plus his new job involves a lot of travel and possible deployments so there might be a lot more separation than just weekdays for extended periods.

Also, because of this upcoming separation, I can feel myself entering that 'pre-deployment' psychological stage, aka - the stage where I pick fights - a LOT of fights - as a way of emotionally separating myself from dependence on him. It's a well observed phenomenon in the military community. This time around it feels like extra extra stressful since we're talking about two YEARS. Not 'just' 6 months.


-my son's ballet program commitments will be ramping up again starting next month. He's also been picked for a professional show in Oct, so in Sep/Oct the rehearsal schedule is absolutely insane killer. Especially juggling the other two as well. Leaves VERY little time for me-time, with hubby away.


So I always feel like I'm a slave to everyone else's lives anyhow, between being the 'good military wife' for good politics for DH's career, and being the 'good dance mom' for my kids. I'm not complaining, I'm glad to do it, but it's still exhausting with no validations for ME as a person. The one thing I am damned good at is being a mom. And of course we're trying, desperately, to have another baby. But we're not succeeding as of yet, and that is being a giant mindf&ck for me.

Because, well, that is who I am and have been for over a decade now. If it's coming to the end, I'm feeling lost, yk? What do I do with my life? I'm still so young, and is being a pawn for my hubby's career and a support system for my kids' dance careers, is that it for me? Who am I if my 'career' as a SAHM is over? And while yes, I will always be a mom, I won't always be the be-all-end-all for my kids. My older two are starting to blossom into the world, which is great, but I already have early-empty-nest terror.

I do want to join the reserves again, actually. It calls to me as a career. But alas my application is stuck in bureaucracy red tape. :( So, no progress there either, at least not yet. We'll see.

In the meantime I'm just feeling the blues at the thought of being torn in multiple directions and just plain exhausted doing things for everyone else but nothing for me. Without even the company of my husband in the evenings for the next few years on end. It just feels like a GIANT WALL coming up to climb. A very, very high one!

Anywho, I just needed to rant a bit, and just wondered if anyone else has had that crisis midlife crisis in their 30's. Too young it feels like! How to get over it? What worked for you?

Sorry. My dh travels internationally for works weeks at a time used to be months and commutes 1.5 each way daily. I def. Feel you on the pre trip stresses. Also have 16 year old so I can understand the stresses of letting go even though I still have lo's too. I'm sure many women especially moms can relate and feel that clock ticking against careers and finding their place alongside motherhood. I have no answers except try to find something you enjoy doing and make some time for that daily,weekly. You can do it.

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Originally Posted by Atsaukina1

Sorry. My dh travels internationally for works weeks at a time used to be months and commutes 1.5 each way daily. I def. Feel you on the pre trip stresses. Also have 16 year old so I can understand the stresses of letting go even though I still have lo's too. I'm sure many women especially moms can relate and feel that clock ticking against careers and finding their place alongside motherhood. I have no answers except try to find something you enjoy doing and make some time for that daily,weekly. You can do it.

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Thanks. :) I already try to have hobbies and such, I have for a while, but I have a yearning to find something more. A, well, career! LOL I know what I want, it's just a matter of trying to make it happen. The process is a little stuck right now, but....patience is a virtue, lol.

I just needed a bit of venting today, so, thanks for listening!

I think women have that crisis much earlier than men do because so much of what we are is wrapped up in doing for others. Doing things for myself that I enjoy (including this site) have saved my sanity on many occasions. It was important to me to have some kind of career or to be honest, outside recognition, because no one respected me as a SAHM, homeschooler, person with hobbies, working at whatever dead end job I was working at and even though I love doing those things, I also like getting some respect from people occasionally because of what I personally am and do so totally understand it.

The risk is that it is impossible to have it all. Something suffers, and there are many days where I wish I had the luxury of time to pursue hobbies or other opportunities in life but I think lots of us have so many passions in life it would take a thousand lifetimes to chase them all and we have to pick because of time and energy limitations. Kind of a bummer really because it ends up always feeling a little disappointing that you couldn't do X, Y, or Z even though you DID get to do Q, V, and W!! :)

I agree Atomic, it is so much about the lack of validation too. And the role of the 'military spouse' is even more thankless than my role as a SAHM. :(

There are actually two things that really speak to me as a long term passionate career. One is some sort of psychologist/counselor, but that would involve going back to school for years and I can't justify the cost of that much student debt again. The other is joining the reserves, and I've started the process but it's quagmired in red tape and going nowhere fast. Nothing to do but wait with no end in sight.

I guess I'm just wallowing this week because, well, it's tough being the one 'left behind' while DH goes off and does awesomely cool, worldly, and sometimes dangerous things. I just get the really thankless, dull, but stressful role of keeping house and home together. It's a tough job that few seem to appreciate, and it really often makes me feel completely invisible to the rest of the world. :( I really think that's why I have these crisis moments, since nobody likes to feel like they're toiling with no acknowledgement at all!

I certainly respect and appreciate your service. Is there a support group you can join? What about friends?

I think you have to have something for yourself. I have this site and I also work another job. I try to go out with friends occasionally. I am much like you catering to my kids, driving them to activities, etc. I understand the demands that you describe. I have made friends with the other moms that my kids do activities with and it is a major bond that we all share and I consider them almost like family because they "understand" the demands of what my kids are involved in and we are all in this together. So, I have the school friends' moms and the activities' moms. I leverage those groups when I need a break and something to do besides the kids stuff.

I would reach out to those groups and find your people. I think it is critical for you to form a support system while DH is away. Find a sitter. Can't afford a sitter? Look into hosting an exchange student.

Find your people. Even if you have another child, a daughter even, one day, they will ALL eventually go away and the girls can be brutal towards their moms and leave you far before your sons will. You just never know.

Thanks so much for your support, NBP!!

I'm working really hard at building my friends/support network. Because yep, you need people to lean on for sure when doing these insane separation assignments, LOL. So far I have a few and I'm working on networking to get to know more people. :) There's another spouse that's only around the corner I'm very close friends with, and she has a dog that's like my dog's bestie friend, so we will get together for walks and doggie playdates. :) My in laws live really close too so I see them often and they are always willing to sit the kids, I just don't like to ask ALL the time because then I feel guilty for taking advantage.

I've looked for support groups, so far unsuccessful. :( Most online ones are American, I've found two spousal ones in Canada and applied to join both and they seem to be dead. Argh!! But I'm always asking around for more.

One thing that is important to me too, is that I don't end up helicoptering my own kids too much for fear they'll pull away. I don't find that healthy at all - I like to see them grow and assert their own independence. My eldest for example, we're letting him walk to his YMCA lessons and his air cadet stuff next year, it's about 2km each way. Alas with the dance stuff I do have to be a slave to being a taxi driver, as the school is all the way across the city.

You're right though, that even if I have my longed for daughter, it won't be the solution to what I'm feeling. I need to find that something that I can pursue and work on that's for my own personal growth and satisfaction.

You have to do you. After getting my son, I can promise you that. It's not a miracle pill. I still have MY life to live and you have to make the decision to do something for yourself and not just live for the kids. That doesn't do them any good either. Organize a girls night out. Start a supper club....find a network of people. You can't be the only one. You DH can help you to by asking his fellow people where their wives are and help you connect with them.

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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

You have to do you. After getting my son, I can promise you that. It's not a miracle pill. I still have MY life to live and you have to make the decision to do something for yourself and not just live for the kids. That doesn't do them any good either. Organize a girls night out. Start a supper club....find a network of people. You can't be the only one. You DH can help you to by asking his fellow people where their wives are and help you connect with them.

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I've asked DH to reach out too. Though most of them are in the other city, lol, so not very helpful. I'm working on building my social network though, it just takes time.

But what I really need is something I can work on, for me, that's JUST for me. A goal/career/etc that can define the rest of my life. I hope I can make that happen starting soon.

Lace you're so well spoken, have you ever considered writing?? That is something you can do from home and it's really fulfilling. Even when nothing comes of it, it still is extremely personally fulfilling.

I just want to chime in and say that I agree with atomic and think you write beautifully.