So over it

I found out at 14 weeks I'm having boy #3. I was devastated. We tried so hard for our girl and I had already had severe GD with my 2nd son and my pregnancy was exactly like the surrogate pregnancy I did where I carried a girl so I didn't understand. After doing a million hours of research I had basically convinced myself that it was at least still 50/50 because so many people had wrong determinations then. Well at 19 weeks it was confirmed a boy and so I'm drowning in the disappointment once again.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I'm so alone in it. It's beyond aggrivating to feel so negatively about something people not only don't understand but something that you are expected to be excited about. I'm tired of my husband and my mom blaming my hormones for how I feel when I'm upset and whenever they mention "little brother" I feel like they're rubbing it in. My mom is the worst about it she had 2 boys then me and she says "yeah I think I felt that way too" BS! You had a girl 3rd and if you did feel this way it wouldn't be a maybe, this is all consuming, it's not a fleeting thought here and there and it's not something I've forgotten with my 4.5 year old or ever will. She will show me a picture of my cousins daughter and say "why can't you make one of them" or point out cute girl clothes that I can't buy and she knows one girl who wanted only boys and would be devastated to have even one girl and she HAS 2 BOYS and no girls and my mom says I should talk to her because she feels how I feel. Really?!?!? No.

I don't have anywhere else to go to talk about this and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm either drowning in the disappointment or I'm swimming in it but it never goes away and yet when I'm having those days where I literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry my mom and husband both are utterly baffled as to what could possibly be on my mind. They don't get it and I'm sick of being so alone. It literally will take one little thing like seeing someone out with a boy and a girl and I won't even have the strength to get out of the car to grocery shop anymore.

If I had been guaranteed to have a 3rd boy I don't think I would have had anymore kids (definitely not right now). Not because of the child but because of the pregnancy. I feel so trapped and I feel like I have no one to talk to who doesn't just think it's hormones. Why don't people understand how insulting it is to brush off things you're upset about to hormones?

I'm so tired of feeling this way and of crying in dark corners and trying to hide the tears. I came here because I feel like no one understands and like I can't explain it to someone who doesn't....

First of all I am so sorry that despite all your effort your pink sway turned out to be a boy!!
Second of all, you are not alone in this!! I too swayed for a girl and found out at 14 weeks pregnancy that we are having a 3rd boy!! I am due 5/12, so we are not that far apart!
When the tech said that he saw a tiny penis my world just collapsed. after months and months of swaying I was sure I was carrying our little girl! I just barely could hold it in, but the second we were outside the tears came. That is now two weeks ago and I still don't think I Will ever get over the sadness, disappointment and grieve. It is horrible!!! I don't think I ever be this sad in my life, I cry every day, like you. The only difference between you and me (and I feel very bad for you!!) is that my DH and mom totally understanding my feelings and even cried withe me too that day we found out the gender. Your story makes me realize how lucky I am that I can share my tears with the people I love most. Yet again I am so sorry your mom and DH don't understand your feelings!! Did you ever Said to your mum she hurts you with that kind of talk??
I hope you don't feel alone at here!! Again I am at the same place as you are at the moment, feel free to PM me if you need support!!
:hug:

I am so very sorry to read your post and I want to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. Try to block out the stupid and ignorant remarks!
I am off to read for my DS but I just had to write to you. Sending you a bit, virtual hug and warm thoughts.
:heart:

Oh and I also would not have gotten pregnant for the third time if I would have known it would be again another boy! :( :(

My husband's not bad about it but he definitely doesn't feel the same way so he would never get upset. Has the kind of guy who it would take death to see him drip one tear out. We've been married 10 years and I've seen him cry like 3 tears once and that was when we had our 2nd miscarriage before our first son. He says he understands but doesn't have much to say about it but i also know that he would have stopped at 2 boys and been thrilled and it annoys me for him to be happy about something that makes me miserable. He says he would have been just as fine with 3 girls but since that's not the case i find it hard to believe. He would never have cried or been even 5% as upset as I am but I feel like he would have missed having a boy. He says he gets it but then I'll have a bad day where I don't even want to be pregnant anymore and he'll be like "just feeling depressed?" And I have to explain that I'm still sad that I'm not getting a girl after hoping for once since literally 2007 when we started trying for kids. I hoped and thought all 3 of mine were girls and was okay with my first being a boy after like 10 minutes of shock in the ultrasound room but I'm sick of feeling like this and feel like it'll never happen for me and don't really want 4 kids but don't know how to give up and never even try and spend the rest of my life wondering what if. But I also think after 3 boys and all I did to sway for this one, could I really get a girl? Doubtful.

I kind of wish I was that person who thought everything happens for a reason and in fate and all that so I could tell myself it was meant to be and be happy with that but I'm not and even though I know I won't love this one any less when it's here (can't even get myself to call it he yet) it's hard to see that far right now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also went through SEVERE GD with DS3. It was horrible. I just wanted to die, or for the baby to die. I didn't know how I was going to survive the heart ache. My husband said we could go for HT for a girl, and this is the only thing that kept me going throughout my 3rd pregnancy.

DS3 is now a delightful little 2 year old, who loves to snuggle and he is just wonderful in all ways. You have so much to look forward to, you just don't know it yet. I love seeing my 3 sons playing, they are such good friends (most of the time!). I just want to give you a big hug and let you know that you are not the only one who is going through this or has been through this. I went through it and came out on the other side, something I could NOT imagine 3 years ago. I just loved my baby from the day he was born, and now I couldn't imagine my life without my wonderful little 3rd son :awe::bigboy:

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need. :bighug:

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Originally Posted by Claire33

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also went through SEVERE GD with DS3. It was horrible. I just wanted to die, or for the baby to die. I didn't know how I was going to survive the heart ache. My husband said we could go for HT for a girl, and this is the only thing that kept me going throughout my 3rd pregnancy.

DS3 is now a delightful little 2 year old, who loves to snuggle and he is just wonderful in all ways. You have so much to look forward to, you just don't know it yet. I love seeing my 3 sons playing, they are such good friends (most of the time!). I just want to give you a big hug and let you know that you are not the only one who is going through this or has been through this. I went through it and came out on the other side, something I could NOT imagine 3 years ago. I just loved my baby from the day he was born, and now I couldn't imagine my life without my wonderful little 3rd son :awe::bigboy:

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need. :bighug:

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My husband would go HT but we could never afford ivf with pgd testing so we could maybe do sperm sorting but I've heard of that failing also so I'm not sure. I've even considered the foster to adopt program but really would prefer one of our own. I know I'll love my 3rd but right now that doesn't matter to me since its not a person I know it's just an anonymous idea of a child I've never met.

I don't ever want to smile about anything because I feel like people will think I'm happy when I'm not. I also have bad thoughts at times about losing the pregnancy and hate it that I have no control over my emotions or feelings :(

I remember I too was in total shock when I found out my first baby was a boy. We stayed team green the whole pregnancy, so when he was born it took me several days(!) to get used to the fact that I was not having a girl.....the second time we also stayed team green and when the baby was born and the midwife hold him up and I saw again a little penis at that moment I was totally fine with it and now as a more experienced mother I loved him instantly very very much. The GD came the next day.....I was already planning my next pregnancy!! I felt so quilts towards my 2nd son that I swore I would succeed in swaying and never feel this way again...........and yet here I am AGAIN! It is unbelievable, after such a strong sway! I guess the only thing I did wrong was that I was in competition with myself.....I would not failt this, I would have my little girl at all cost.......too much Martha......I hate her! I also wish I would believe in fate.......I used to.........but now I am even not sure I believe in God anymore.......seriously.....I grew up by men, now I have to take care of men........and of course my sister in law Will have a babygirl when they start having kids.......the thought alone is afwull!!
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought we will go HT the next time, but I don't know if I want 4 kids......if I can handle that.......life sucks just right now, just accept that it Will be a fase and don't be to hard on yourself for these feelings you have!! Maybe you just have to name your baby or schedule a 3D/4D ultrasound, so it will become more of a person to you.....it helps, it really does! I had a wonderfull 2D/3D ultrasound at 14 weeks and the tech just discussed every little detail and recorded the whole thing, so everytime I watch it at home I am just amazed by the little miracle he is........

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Originally Posted by Girlwish

I remember I too was in total shock when I found out my first baby was a boy. We stayed team green the whole pregnancy, so when he was born it took me several days(!) to get used to the fact that I was not having a girl.....the second time we also stayed team green and when the baby was born and the midwife hold him up and I saw again a little penis at that moment I was totally fine with it and now as a more experienced mother I loved him instantly very very much. The GD came the next day.....I was already planning my next pregnancy!! I felt so quilts towards my 2nd son that I swore I would succeed in swaying and never feel this way again...........and yet here I am AGAIN! It is unbelievable, after such a strong sway! I guess the only thing I did wrong was that I was in competition with myself.....I would not failt this, I would have my little girl at all cost.......too much Martha......I hate her! I also wish I would believe in fate.......I used to.........but now I am even not sure I believe in God anymore.......seriously.....I grew up by men, now I have to take care of men........and of course my sister in law Will have a babygirl when they start having kids.......the thought alone is afwull!!
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought we will go HT the next time, but I don't know if I want 4 kids......if I can handle that.......life sucks just right now, just accept that it Will be a fase and don't be to hard on yourself for these feelings you have!! Maybe you just have to name your baby or schedule a 3D/4D ultrasound, so it will become more of a person to you.....it helps, it really does! I had a wonderfull 2D/3D ultrasound at 14 weeks and the tech just discussed every little detail and recorded the whole thing, so everytime I watch it at home I am just amazed by the little miracle he is........

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If we do go for a 4th I'm thinking I'll have to not find out the gender until birth but I'm a little worried about the GD coming then like you said. With my 2nd son it disappeared instantly at birth but I don't know if I got it all out then or what I just don't want to ever feel like this again. Then again if it was a girl I'd want to be able to experience a true girl ppregnancy (my surrogacy with a girl we didn't find out until birth) and shop etc. The only thing I'm ever even remotely excited about is naming the baby Roman but my husband keeps fighting me on the name even though he's never done that in the past. Normally as long as it a not a goober ish name he's fine with it so that's annoying too but I think he'll come around. We've thought of a couple other names but I swear I just feel like this baby is telling me that's the right name.

Spermsorting is not reliable no, and I can understand that IVF/PGD is too expensive. This GD beast sucks so much... I did the opposite of you though, I pretended to everyone that I was SUPER happy with a 3rd son, I did not want anyone to know I was sad. Only my DH knew. I faked it til I made it because if you let people know you are sad they come with even worse comments. If you pretend you are happy then you don't get so many pity comments, I think these are the worst. I don't want anyone to know I was ever sad about having my boys, maybe they'll feel sorry for me for the rest of my life :oops: But it was hard to keep on a happy face when inside I just wanted to die.

May I ask if your surrogate pregnancy was biologically yours? Just wondering, since maybe letting a biological child go might be harder than if the child is genetically someone elses :)

hugs to you mama!

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Originally Posted by Claire33

Spermsorting is not reliable no, and I can understand that IVF/PGD is too expensive. This GD beast sucks so much... I did the opposite of you though, I pretended to everyone that I was SUPER happy with a 3rd son, I did not want anyone to know I was sad. Only my DH knew. I faked it til I made it because if you let people know you are sad they come with even worse comments. If you pretend you are happy then you don't get so many pity comments, I think these are the worst. I don't want anyone to know I was ever sad about having my boys, maybe they'll feel sorry for me for the rest of my life :oops: But it was hard to keep on a happy face when inside I just wanted to die.

May I ask if your surrogate pregnancy was biologically yours? Just wondering, since maybe letting a biological child go might be harder than if the child is genetically someone elses :)

hugs to you mama!

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No my surrogate baby wasn't biologically mine. Traditional surrogacy is rare and generally not recommended by anyone but I wouldn't do that even if it was because then it would be hard for me. It wasn't even hard that she was a girl and people worried that would be affect me with how I feel but it's no different than anyone's daughter that's not mine.

I don't really express any of this to anyone but my husband and even then I try to keep it in when I can. I'm not able to act thrilled but I act like "goodness me another boy ahaha" basically but I wish I could pretend that well. With my mom (who lives with us fyi) I just don't talk about it at all and some days I just don't talk about much at all and others I'm able to just not talk about that. :P there are definitely worse days than others and occasionally I can see a good point or 2 but then there are days when I'm shaking my fist at the heavens for the unfairness of it all. I don't actually want to lose the pregnancy and I know that would put me in a worse spot than I'm in now but sometimes I just want it to go away like it never happened if that makes sense.

I'm glad you at least haven't struggled because your surrogate baby was a girl. Yes, traditional surrogacy is rare, but I saw a TV program about it, so I thought you never know! You are an angel for having been a surrogate! I wish I could be a surrogate but I just don't function during pregnancy, so it's out of the question.

I really hope you can manage to get through this. It's so difficult, I didn't think I could ever get over the heart ache and disappointment. It must be difficult trying to hide it from your mom who lives with you, you can never just get really upset in the privacy of your own home. Take care of yourself sweet heart! Big hugs to you! :bighug: